This is likely one of the harder things to write about. It's not painful or bothersome or anything negative like that. It's not something I dread writing or avoid writing out of fear. I simply don't fully know how to say what all it entails. And even if I do put it all out there, I fear it wouldn't do any good anyway, that no one would listen or care. But I don't want to just hold things in anymore. I don't want to keep things to myself, at least not where my feelings are concerned. Not where he is concerned. So before I let myself sleep, I want to put everything out there. On here, a medium I know he reads. If it gets brushed aside, well, at least I took the chance.
When I first saw Justin, I acknowledged him, but not much else. At the time, he was the new guy who was brought into the Guild to be the Queen's drummer. I thought he seemed interesting, but my mind was on Tom and the life he was promising we were going to build together. I really didn't have the time or energy to think about a newcomer beyond the superficial. He seemed like a pretty good guy, but not someone for me.
Then, things fell apart with Tom, and I got that damned breakup letter just before the following Spring faire. Abruptly, I had to learn to live without someone who has promised me for years that I was the one for him. I had to dream for myself, instead of dreaming for us, because there wasn't an 'us' anymore. He was able to walk away easily (at least, that's how it appeared. It's hard to say how easily he actually walked away), while I had to heal and go on without knowing why I was left behind. So what would have been our first Faire together was my first Faire 'alone'. I'd already broken down once that first morning when telling friends about the breakup, and going backstage at Glade I did so again. I don't specifically remember what was said, but I remember how Justin was there. He was there with a hug, he was there with that ubiquitous Kleenex he always has in plentiful supply...he was just there. It seemed like almost anytime that day that I felt myself start to come apart, he was nearby to squeeze my shoulder or offer more Kleenex to get me through that particular rough patch. The following weekend, Patty told me he was interested in me, and suggested I get to know him. It felt really rushed to me, and I was understandably leery of going from a breakup right into something new, but I didn't outright dismiss the idea. I wasn't ready by a long shot, but I didn't reject the idea completely.
And looking back now, I'm glad I didn't. To this day, I still don't know what made me rummage through my things looking for his phone number. I don't know what made me make that first call and start talking with him. I just know I did, and nothing that's gone on since would have happened if I hadn't done so. Even before that I was softening a bit in my view of him, I just didn't want to admit it to myself for fear of winding up back at square one again. I guess I was still a bit shellshocked after what happened the prior year.
Wow, I must be tired. I'm rambling. I really need to get to the point so I can sleep.
Now, I won't argue with the faults people see in him. Trust me, I see them as well as anyone. But I accept them as part of who he is. I don't sugarcoat them, or really even like them all that much; truth be told, they annoy me probably as much as they do anyone else. But they're part of him, part of the package that makes him who he is, just as my own faults shape who I am. I don't have to like them, but changing them means changing what fundamentally makes him who he is. And I don't want that.
I love him. And not in that sappy sweet puppy-love sort of way. Not anymore. I respect him a great deal as a person (even if I tend to tease him here and there), and I accept him, flaws, shortcomings and all. There are still so many things he has to learn about himself, but I don't mind at all. I wouldn't have him any other way than how he is. I want to be there when he succeeds, I want to help him reach that point, no matter where he ends up. I love how he always finds a way to make me smile, even when I feel like I forgot how to. I love that he's willing to put his own comfort aside to make me happy, even when it involves driving long distances or helping me in other ways. I love how he's been willing to drive almost three hours in the past in order to spend a day with me before making the same drive back. I love how he helps me, even if he tends to panic me in the process from time to time. I love his honesty, even when I could smack him for using it in selfish ways (Friends with Benefits, anyone?) I love how gentle he is with me, making me feel special in some small way. I love that he encourages me to be independent, to not solely rely on him for everything. I love that he wants me to succeed for my own reasons, as opposed to his. I love that he tries to include me, even if I don't particularly always want to be included, or I worry I won't belong. I really could go on and on, but I think that all gives a good idea.
I love who he is and what he is. His gentleness, his goofiness, his geekiness, his kindness...all of it. I don't want him to drastically change, because then he won't be who I fell for. I don't mind if he adapts here and there, as I'll adapt with him. I love him, I want to take care of him, I want him to succeed, I want to help him succeed...all of that and more. Even if he doesn't feel as strongly for me, I don't mind. I just want to stay with him, to continue loving and supporting him no matter what.
In the end, I only can hope the same might be said of me someday. Yet I don't know....
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