Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug (Continued)

My last posting proves that I should really stay away from computers at 2AM.  I didn't realize just how exhausted and overwhelmed I was.  So, let's try it again, shall we?

In short, I'm officially done with Justin.  I tried being good to him, I kept trying to be good to him, and it wasn't enough.  I'm tired of not getting a straight answer from him.  I'm tired of his wish-washy 'it doesn't affect me, so I don't care about your life events' crap when I ask him if he's supportive of my going to CSUN.  I'm tired of him using his flawed, circular logic to try and prove his points, I'm tired of him trying to pit me against Becky when I call him on his crap, all of it.  I have tried so hard to compromise with him, I've tried bending over backwards to understand what he wants, and I'm getting nothing in return except insulted.  He has essentially told me he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks my attempts to try and understand him and be good to him are 'manipulative' and 'stalker'-ish, and he keeps insisting he's perfectly fine while also talking about how he has zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence.

And I'm sad.  This all makes me so incredibly sad.  I believed in the guy, I knew he has so much more value than even he gives himself credit for.  I never thought he was a screw-up, just that he (like many of us) just needs some work.  He's so incredibly talented that, with the right training and confidence, he really could go far.  But he won't believe in himself and his work, and he refuses to have anything to do with people who truly care and want to help him.  He's hurt a LOT of people this way, and now I'm just another one.  It breaks my heart, it makes me sad, it feels like an utter waste...I could go on and on about how all this makes me feel.  He's falling apart piecemeal, I can see it.  But I can't save him.  I can no longer help him, I can't save him, I just need to leave.

And so I'll leave.  Optimistic little thing that I am, I'll keep a tiny bit of hope that he'll one day actually start bettering himself, but it's a slim hope that I doubt would even come true.  He's apparently happy with his lot in life, nothing's really going to change.  I think in some small way I'll always care (it isn't easy to just switch that off), but I can't watch him keep spiraling downward while he claims nothing is wrong with him.  It really does hurt, but I can't let him and his attitude keep me from pursuing what I'm doing.

Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug

It is done.  I am done, and I am over it.

I'm tired of the bad treatment, tired of being strung along, tired of being told I'm somehow 'lesser' for merely being human, tired of my caring being thrown back in my face...all of it.  I'd been wavering for the past few months about Justin, but I know now that cutting him out of my life is the right thing to do.  He cannot and will not treat me with respect, he refuses to compromise or attempt any sort of understanding, then he blames me for his behavior. 

Any friendship with him had essentially been on life support for the past few months as I evaluated how he was treating me.  While there have been good times, there have been even more bad times, even more times when he refused to treat me with the simplest decency, then told me it was somehow MY fault that HE chose to behave in that manner.

And I'm done.  It hurt to come to this decision, but I can't be hurt anymore while waiting for him to be decent.  I won't let myself be hurt while wishing he were the type of man I know he can be.  He can be so much more than he is, but I can't let myself wait for the day he realizes that fact.  He chose to be this way, I now choose to walk away.

Freewrite 10/5: Week 6

So here I am.  I'm in week 6 of my first semester at Cal State Northridge.  And by extension, week 6 of my time here in Reseda.

If I seem underwhelmed, I don't mean to.  I'm just telling it like it is, so to speak.  It only really occurred to me Monday afternoon that this was my sixth week, and it just feels so...natural.  I've gradually been meeting people, gradually getting into things on campus, and I'll have a decently paying job soon if all works out well.  So I think things are skewing in a more positive direction, which is a nice plus considering there have been a few naysayers along my way who swore I'd never make it to this point.  My living environment is great as well.  Sure, I share it with a bunch of people, but it's worked out well for me.  The space is big enough that you don't feel like you're walking on top of anyone else, and the sleep area is far from being a 'shoebox' or anything else super small.  Plus, on days when other people have classes and I don't, it's nice to have this huge of a space practically to myself.

Academics-wise, I'm in a good place where I feel like I belong.  Personal-wise, I don't know if it's really home or not.  I've worked so hard to reach this point, but the people whom I promised I would get here don't seem to care.  There are days when I feel cut off personally from things, even when academically things are going well.  But in the end, who knows?