Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug (Continued)

My last posting proves that I should really stay away from computers at 2AM.  I didn't realize just how exhausted and overwhelmed I was.  So, let's try it again, shall we?

In short, I'm officially done with Justin.  I tried being good to him, I kept trying to be good to him, and it wasn't enough.  I'm tired of not getting a straight answer from him.  I'm tired of his wish-washy 'it doesn't affect me, so I don't care about your life events' crap when I ask him if he's supportive of my going to CSUN.  I'm tired of him using his flawed, circular logic to try and prove his points, I'm tired of him trying to pit me against Becky when I call him on his crap, all of it.  I have tried so hard to compromise with him, I've tried bending over backwards to understand what he wants, and I'm getting nothing in return except insulted.  He has essentially told me he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks my attempts to try and understand him and be good to him are 'manipulative' and 'stalker'-ish, and he keeps insisting he's perfectly fine while also talking about how he has zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence.

And I'm sad.  This all makes me so incredibly sad.  I believed in the guy, I knew he has so much more value than even he gives himself credit for.  I never thought he was a screw-up, just that he (like many of us) just needs some work.  He's so incredibly talented that, with the right training and confidence, he really could go far.  But he won't believe in himself and his work, and he refuses to have anything to do with people who truly care and want to help him.  He's hurt a LOT of people this way, and now I'm just another one.  It breaks my heart, it makes me sad, it feels like an utter waste...I could go on and on about how all this makes me feel.  He's falling apart piecemeal, I can see it.  But I can't save him.  I can no longer help him, I can't save him, I just need to leave.

And so I'll leave.  Optimistic little thing that I am, I'll keep a tiny bit of hope that he'll one day actually start bettering himself, but it's a slim hope that I doubt would even come true.  He's apparently happy with his lot in life, nothing's really going to change.  I think in some small way I'll always care (it isn't easy to just switch that off), but I can't watch him keep spiraling downward while he claims nothing is wrong with him.  It really does hurt, but I can't let him and his attitude keep me from pursuing what I'm doing.