It seems that, the more I keep pushing forward, the less I'm leaning on this. I'm not ignoring it intentionally, I just feel like an idiot at the thought of constantly having entries that are merely 'Today, nothing happened', or some variant thereof. I like to write when I feel the need to, whether for good or for bad.
This definitely turned out to be one of the 'good' ones. I'm writing this on the last night of my visiting my parents for Thanksgiving.
...Yeah, I'll wait for the shock to dissipate. I've got all night.
Kidding aside, I know it seems counter-intuitive that I'm here. Many people who know me and know what I've dealt with over the past eleven months or so were worried about my visiting. But I wanted to test the waters for myself, so to speak. To put it simply, I've been tired of the 'can I or can't I go home' Limbo I've been stuck in since last December. Even though Mom had told me I could visit if I wanted, I still wasn't totally sure it was necessarily a good idea. So Thanksgiving was to be a test-run of sorts. I was extending an olive branch, to see how my parents would handle me visiting. If they were negative, then I wouldn't have any qualms about staying away. If they were neutral-to-positive, I'd see about visiting whenever I could.
So this first visit back home in nearly a year overall was good. There were one or two little snags, but all in all no really huge issues. The 'snags' were things that their past behavior set up to happen in some ways, so I hope they weren't too surprised at them happening. But they've been interested in my schooling, interested in what classes I'm still needing, giving what input/advice they can, and taking care of me without necessarily enabling me or letting me off the hook. I'm still answering to them and to my aunt; they'll all kill me if I give up now.
They have made promises to me that I hope to hold them to, especially where a vehicle is concerned. I was told that they'll help me get a vehicle if I save up $3-$5K towards it. That seems totally doable on my end, so why not?
I have something of a theory about all of this: Simply put, I think we needed space from each other. My parents were operating under the assumption that I knew exactly what they wanted and needed, whereas I was wanting them to tell me what they needed from me. It just kept building from there until things fell apart. My being away for nearly a year before this visit allowed us all to cool off, catch our breath, and just have space from one another to work through things. (My going to CSUN certainly seems to help with all of that, I think.) I think from here there's a good chance of things working better.
Guess we'll see where things go from here. (Oh yeah. Mom made the remark that, based on his behavior towards me, she thinks I've likely outgrown Justin. At this point in time -as well as the foreseeable future- that feels like an accurate assessment.
Showing posts with label freewrite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freewrite. Show all posts
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug (Continued)
My last posting proves that I should really stay away from computers at 2AM. I didn't realize just how exhausted and overwhelmed I was. So, let's try it again, shall we?
In short, I'm officially done with Justin. I tried being good to him, I kept trying to be good to him, and it wasn't enough. I'm tired of not getting a straight answer from him. I'm tired of his wish-washy 'it doesn't affect me, so I don't care about your life events' crap when I ask him if he's supportive of my going to CSUN. I'm tired of him using his flawed, circular logic to try and prove his points, I'm tired of him trying to pit me against Becky when I call him on his crap, all of it. I have tried so hard to compromise with him, I've tried bending over backwards to understand what he wants, and I'm getting nothing in return except insulted. He has essentially told me he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks my attempts to try and understand him and be good to him are 'manipulative' and 'stalker'-ish, and he keeps insisting he's perfectly fine while also talking about how he has zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence.
And I'm sad. This all makes me so incredibly sad. I believed in the guy, I knew he has so much more value than even he gives himself credit for. I never thought he was a screw-up, just that he (like many of us) just needs some work. He's so incredibly talented that, with the right training and confidence, he really could go far. But he won't believe in himself and his work, and he refuses to have anything to do with people who truly care and want to help him. He's hurt a LOT of people this way, and now I'm just another one. It breaks my heart, it makes me sad, it feels like an utter waste...I could go on and on about how all this makes me feel. He's falling apart piecemeal, I can see it. But I can't save him. I can no longer help him, I can't save him, I just need to leave.
And so I'll leave. Optimistic little thing that I am, I'll keep a tiny bit of hope that he'll one day actually start bettering himself, but it's a slim hope that I doubt would even come true. He's apparently happy with his lot in life, nothing's really going to change. I think in some small way I'll always care (it isn't easy to just switch that off), but I can't watch him keep spiraling downward while he claims nothing is wrong with him. It really does hurt, but I can't let him and his attitude keep me from pursuing what I'm doing.
In short, I'm officially done with Justin. I tried being good to him, I kept trying to be good to him, and it wasn't enough. I'm tired of not getting a straight answer from him. I'm tired of his wish-washy 'it doesn't affect me, so I don't care about your life events' crap when I ask him if he's supportive of my going to CSUN. I'm tired of him using his flawed, circular logic to try and prove his points, I'm tired of him trying to pit me against Becky when I call him on his crap, all of it. I have tried so hard to compromise with him, I've tried bending over backwards to understand what he wants, and I'm getting nothing in return except insulted. He has essentially told me he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks my attempts to try and understand him and be good to him are 'manipulative' and 'stalker'-ish, and he keeps insisting he's perfectly fine while also talking about how he has zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence.
And I'm sad. This all makes me so incredibly sad. I believed in the guy, I knew he has so much more value than even he gives himself credit for. I never thought he was a screw-up, just that he (like many of us) just needs some work. He's so incredibly talented that, with the right training and confidence, he really could go far. But he won't believe in himself and his work, and he refuses to have anything to do with people who truly care and want to help him. He's hurt a LOT of people this way, and now I'm just another one. It breaks my heart, it makes me sad, it feels like an utter waste...I could go on and on about how all this makes me feel. He's falling apart piecemeal, I can see it. But I can't save him. I can no longer help him, I can't save him, I just need to leave.
And so I'll leave. Optimistic little thing that I am, I'll keep a tiny bit of hope that he'll one day actually start bettering himself, but it's a slim hope that I doubt would even come true. He's apparently happy with his lot in life, nothing's really going to change. I think in some small way I'll always care (it isn't easy to just switch that off), but I can't watch him keep spiraling downward while he claims nothing is wrong with him. It really does hurt, but I can't let him and his attitude keep me from pursuing what I'm doing.
Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug
It is done. I am done, and I am over it.
I'm tired of the bad treatment, tired of being strung along, tired of being told I'm somehow 'lesser' for merely being human, tired of my caring being thrown back in my face...all of it. I'd been wavering for the past few months about Justin, but I know now that cutting him out of my life is the right thing to do. He cannot and will not treat me with respect, he refuses to compromise or attempt any sort of understanding, then he blames me for his behavior.
Any friendship with him had essentially been on life support for the past few months as I evaluated how he was treating me. While there have been good times, there have been even more bad times, even more times when he refused to treat me with the simplest decency, then told me it was somehow MY fault that HE chose to behave in that manner.
And I'm done. It hurt to come to this decision, but I can't be hurt anymore while waiting for him to be decent. I won't let myself be hurt while wishing he were the type of man I know he can be. He can be so much more than he is, but I can't let myself wait for the day he realizes that fact. He chose to be this way, I now choose to walk away.
I'm tired of the bad treatment, tired of being strung along, tired of being told I'm somehow 'lesser' for merely being human, tired of my caring being thrown back in my face...all of it. I'd been wavering for the past few months about Justin, but I know now that cutting him out of my life is the right thing to do. He cannot and will not treat me with respect, he refuses to compromise or attempt any sort of understanding, then he blames me for his behavior.
Any friendship with him had essentially been on life support for the past few months as I evaluated how he was treating me. While there have been good times, there have been even more bad times, even more times when he refused to treat me with the simplest decency, then told me it was somehow MY fault that HE chose to behave in that manner.
And I'm done. It hurt to come to this decision, but I can't be hurt anymore while waiting for him to be decent. I won't let myself be hurt while wishing he were the type of man I know he can be. He can be so much more than he is, but I can't let myself wait for the day he realizes that fact. He chose to be this way, I now choose to walk away.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Freewrite 10/5: Week 6
So here I am. I'm in week 6 of my first semester at Cal State Northridge. And by extension, week 6 of my time here in Reseda.
If I seem underwhelmed, I don't mean to. I'm just telling it like it is, so to speak. It only really occurred to me Monday afternoon that this was my sixth week, and it just feels so...natural. I've gradually been meeting people, gradually getting into things on campus, and I'll have a decently paying job soon if all works out well. So I think things are skewing in a more positive direction, which is a nice plus considering there have been a few naysayers along my way who swore I'd never make it to this point. My living environment is great as well. Sure, I share it with a bunch of people, but it's worked out well for me. The space is big enough that you don't feel like you're walking on top of anyone else, and the sleep area is far from being a 'shoebox' or anything else super small. Plus, on days when other people have classes and I don't, it's nice to have this huge of a space practically to myself.
Academics-wise, I'm in a good place where I feel like I belong. Personal-wise, I don't know if it's really home or not. I've worked so hard to reach this point, but the people whom I promised I would get here don't seem to care. There are days when I feel cut off personally from things, even when academically things are going well. But in the end, who knows?
If I seem underwhelmed, I don't mean to. I'm just telling it like it is, so to speak. It only really occurred to me Monday afternoon that this was my sixth week, and it just feels so...natural. I've gradually been meeting people, gradually getting into things on campus, and I'll have a decently paying job soon if all works out well. So I think things are skewing in a more positive direction, which is a nice plus considering there have been a few naysayers along my way who swore I'd never make it to this point. My living environment is great as well. Sure, I share it with a bunch of people, but it's worked out well for me. The space is big enough that you don't feel like you're walking on top of anyone else, and the sleep area is far from being a 'shoebox' or anything else super small. Plus, on days when other people have classes and I don't, it's nice to have this huge of a space practically to myself.
Academics-wise, I'm in a good place where I feel like I belong. Personal-wise, I don't know if it's really home or not. I've worked so hard to reach this point, but the people whom I promised I would get here don't seem to care. There are days when I feel cut off personally from things, even when academically things are going well. But in the end, who knows?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Freewrite 9/23: the Nature of Things
With my semester kicking into high gear, I've had the chance to really sit down and think about how things have been going for me. I must say, they feel like they're going well. I still feel like this is where I belong at this point in my life, and that this is what I should be doing for the interim. I'm enjoying learning about myself and about the environment around me, since it's all still so new to me.
I've also let myself think about me, about where I came from and where I've been for the past nine months. Surprisingly enough, it isn't nearly as difficult to think on as I'd thought it might be; if anything, it's been rather easy. I've come a long way since that night in December when my parents told me they didn't want me staying in their house, and each day I grow that much stronger. It used to be that remembering that night would make me tear up, now I can think of it with dry eyes. I sigh a bit at remembering it all, but nothing terribly painful. It just feels like a waste, of sorts. I wanted that parting to be a better one, not one influenced by Dad and his temper tantrums. But sometimes that sort of painful separation is the best way to break free, lest one remain complacent for too long.
Or worse. Some of you might note that I often jest that I'm too 'stubborn' to die. I still believe that of myself, but I also know that, had I remained in that environment much longer, I would have been another statistic. Even if all hadn't fallen apart, even if I had managed to remain there until I began CSUN, it wouldn't have mattered. The thing was, being there was making me compromise my own nature, it was making me be someone I couldn't keep on being. And that sort of life hurts, it hurts a lot. Had I stayed, I would never have made it to CSUN because I couldn't keep holding in that kind of pain while living that kind of lie.
You know what sucked about those first several months? If you know me well enough, you know I tend to be a rather bright, cheerful (or at the least mellow) individual. Those first five or six months? I. Was. Depressed. No, literally. I was literally depressed. Depressed, grieving, and struggling to pull myself back up to where I needed to get to. The problem with that depression is it was so subtle, and it was intertwined with so many other things that I couldn't even identify it until I distanced myself from it by a few months. In the process, I didn't take care of myself as I needed to, and I made a LOT of mistakes. I took things that weren't mine without asking, mostly out of fear and prior manipulations. Any ability I'd previously had to ask for my needs to be met was intimidated out of me because it was 'inconvenient' for me to have needs. I was in a lot of pain, and I was struggling to get from zero to sixty, as it were. I wasn't happy as I was, but I didn't know at the time how to fix myself, or how long it would take. Could I have done better? Maybe. I did what I could with what I had and the capacity I felt I had to do it with. I accomplished a few things that helped me along the way, and so shaped me now.
I really don't have regrets. Regret implies that I wish I hadn't gone through things because they were unpleasant for me. And yes, there were very unpleasant things. But I learned from them, so why should I regret them? The negatives turned into positives in the end, and they helped me to get to this point, so I really can't regret them. What I can do is acknowledge them for what they were, acknowledge that there were things I could have handled better or done differently, forgive myself for what I had control over, and move from there. That is what I have a say in, and that's all I can do myself. Acknowledge, learn, forgive myself, and keep forging ahead. What others think of me in that regard is irrelevant, as I have no control over that sort of thing.
I'm not afraid anymore. A little nervous at times, yes, but not afraid. I've learned a lot about myself and what I can do. I'm not who I was, and yet I am. I'm not judged for who I was, as I was back home. When someone sees me for the first time, they don't think 'Oh, it's the Chiropractor's daughter', or 'Oh, it's Stephanie's little sister'. I'm seen as just me, and that's fine with me. I'm judged by what I do for myself, instead of what the 'fishbowl' expects me to do.
From here, who knows? I just wish this path didn't feel so lonely sometimes.
I've also let myself think about me, about where I came from and where I've been for the past nine months. Surprisingly enough, it isn't nearly as difficult to think on as I'd thought it might be; if anything, it's been rather easy. I've come a long way since that night in December when my parents told me they didn't want me staying in their house, and each day I grow that much stronger. It used to be that remembering that night would make me tear up, now I can think of it with dry eyes. I sigh a bit at remembering it all, but nothing terribly painful. It just feels like a waste, of sorts. I wanted that parting to be a better one, not one influenced by Dad and his temper tantrums. But sometimes that sort of painful separation is the best way to break free, lest one remain complacent for too long.
Or worse. Some of you might note that I often jest that I'm too 'stubborn' to die. I still believe that of myself, but I also know that, had I remained in that environment much longer, I would have been another statistic. Even if all hadn't fallen apart, even if I had managed to remain there until I began CSUN, it wouldn't have mattered. The thing was, being there was making me compromise my own nature, it was making me be someone I couldn't keep on being. And that sort of life hurts, it hurts a lot. Had I stayed, I would never have made it to CSUN because I couldn't keep holding in that kind of pain while living that kind of lie.
You know what sucked about those first several months? If you know me well enough, you know I tend to be a rather bright, cheerful (or at the least mellow) individual. Those first five or six months? I. Was. Depressed. No, literally. I was literally depressed. Depressed, grieving, and struggling to pull myself back up to where I needed to get to. The problem with that depression is it was so subtle, and it was intertwined with so many other things that I couldn't even identify it until I distanced myself from it by a few months. In the process, I didn't take care of myself as I needed to, and I made a LOT of mistakes. I took things that weren't mine without asking, mostly out of fear and prior manipulations. Any ability I'd previously had to ask for my needs to be met was intimidated out of me because it was 'inconvenient' for me to have needs. I was in a lot of pain, and I was struggling to get from zero to sixty, as it were. I wasn't happy as I was, but I didn't know at the time how to fix myself, or how long it would take. Could I have done better? Maybe. I did what I could with what I had and the capacity I felt I had to do it with. I accomplished a few things that helped me along the way, and so shaped me now.
I really don't have regrets. Regret implies that I wish I hadn't gone through things because they were unpleasant for me. And yes, there were very unpleasant things. But I learned from them, so why should I regret them? The negatives turned into positives in the end, and they helped me to get to this point, so I really can't regret them. What I can do is acknowledge them for what they were, acknowledge that there were things I could have handled better or done differently, forgive myself for what I had control over, and move from there. That is what I have a say in, and that's all I can do myself. Acknowledge, learn, forgive myself, and keep forging ahead. What others think of me in that regard is irrelevant, as I have no control over that sort of thing.
I'm not afraid anymore. A little nervous at times, yes, but not afraid. I've learned a lot about myself and what I can do. I'm not who I was, and yet I am. I'm not judged for who I was, as I was back home. When someone sees me for the first time, they don't think 'Oh, it's the Chiropractor's daughter', or 'Oh, it's Stephanie's little sister'. I'm seen as just me, and that's fine with me. I'm judged by what I do for myself, instead of what the 'fishbowl' expects me to do.
From here, who knows? I just wish this path didn't feel so lonely sometimes.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Freewrite 9/12: A Tenuous Olive Branch
So you might remember a while back I had talked about cutting my parents out of my life completely due to their perceived toxicity? It's kind of a long story, but this is sort of an update to that.
Saturday was Mom's birthday, so naturally I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday. We talked for a little while about things, and she really seemed interested in my schooling. She gave her typical 'Mom' advice, and we ended our chat on a positive note.
Continuing on, Mom had mentioned my sister moving to Virginia with her job, so last night I called and chatted with her for a while. As with Mom, she seemed really interested, and gave some good 'Big Sis' advice that I'll definitely be keeping in mind and pondering on.
I hadn't realized how much I missed Stephanie and James, how much I really miss home. For all the really bad -especially there at the end before I left- there was a lot of good as well. I miss the Terriers, miss the Boxers, miss the chats Mom and I would have about school...I really could go on. I reiterated with both Mom and Steph that I'd like to visit if I can manage, and they seemed open to it.
The volatile variable in all of this still seems to be Dad. When I talked with Grandma, she was telling me that she felt Mom wasn't able to tell her as much as she might have wanted (and by extension didn't seem that receptive to what was said) because Dad may have been nearby. Talking with Steph confirms this a bit better, as she told me Dad's the same as he ever was. That really worries me, and I told her as such. She reassured me that Mom's dealt with it for 33 years now, so she's likely the best person to keep dealing with him, so to speak. Still, that doesn't sit well with me. I don't like the idea of her being in that environment, even if she 'knows best how to handle him'. That really doesn't seem fair.
But then, not a lot of things in life are fair, are they?
Saturday was Mom's birthday, so naturally I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday. We talked for a little while about things, and she really seemed interested in my schooling. She gave her typical 'Mom' advice, and we ended our chat on a positive note.
Continuing on, Mom had mentioned my sister moving to Virginia with her job, so last night I called and chatted with her for a while. As with Mom, she seemed really interested, and gave some good 'Big Sis' advice that I'll definitely be keeping in mind and pondering on.
I hadn't realized how much I missed Stephanie and James, how much I really miss home. For all the really bad -especially there at the end before I left- there was a lot of good as well. I miss the Terriers, miss the Boxers, miss the chats Mom and I would have about school...I really could go on. I reiterated with both Mom and Steph that I'd like to visit if I can manage, and they seemed open to it.
The volatile variable in all of this still seems to be Dad. When I talked with Grandma, she was telling me that she felt Mom wasn't able to tell her as much as she might have wanted (and by extension didn't seem that receptive to what was said) because Dad may have been nearby. Talking with Steph confirms this a bit better, as she told me Dad's the same as he ever was. That really worries me, and I told her as such. She reassured me that Mom's dealt with it for 33 years now, so she's likely the best person to keep dealing with him, so to speak. Still, that doesn't sit well with me. I don't like the idea of her being in that environment, even if she 'knows best how to handle him'. That really doesn't seem fair.
But then, not a lot of things in life are fair, are they?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Freewrite 9/6: Continuing to Excise
The more I interact with and see Justin, the sadder his behavior makes me. He claims he doesn't hate me, has said in the past he wants to remain friends, yet he's the worst sort of fair-weather friend. He really only seems to 'care' when there's something he wants; most other times he says he cares little and finds a ot of my behavior 'annoying'.
I don't care, personally. He can find me as 'annoying' as he wishes, that doesn't excuse his being a disrespectful jerkass. I haven't turned in my right to be treated like a decent human being, and I'll be damned if I let him get away with disrespecting me. If I extend him an invitation, he can decline it like a mature adult, instead of throwing a whining fit like a toddler. Last I checked, the guy is nearly 30, not going on 3. He should have long since grown out of the whiny 'I want my way or I'll throw a fit' behavior he still shows. I mean, I can understand being peeved if one is extended an invitation every day, f'rinstance. But he's not actually extended an invitation every day, just when I feel it would be enjoyable. Even I'm not that desperate to see him.
But whatever. He wants Becky and I to leave him alone, fuck him. I'm done with the whining, with the hissy fits, with the 'I'm better than you even though you're way out of my league' behavior from him. We can leave him alone, easily. So in short, until he actually improves his behavior, I'll be saying 'So Long' to this loser. Maybe if he can actually behave himself around us we'll let him back.
I don't care, personally. He can find me as 'annoying' as he wishes, that doesn't excuse his being a disrespectful jerkass. I haven't turned in my right to be treated like a decent human being, and I'll be damned if I let him get away with disrespecting me. If I extend him an invitation, he can decline it like a mature adult, instead of throwing a whining fit like a toddler. Last I checked, the guy is nearly 30, not going on 3. He should have long since grown out of the whiny 'I want my way or I'll throw a fit' behavior he still shows. I mean, I can understand being peeved if one is extended an invitation every day, f'rinstance. But he's not actually extended an invitation every day, just when I feel it would be enjoyable. Even I'm not that desperate to see him.
But whatever. He wants Becky and I to leave him alone, fuck him. I'm done with the whining, with the hissy fits, with the 'I'm better than you even though you're way out of my league' behavior from him. We can leave him alone, easily. So in short, until he actually improves his behavior, I'll be saying 'So Long' to this loser. Maybe if he can actually behave himself around us we'll let him back.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Freewrite 8/30: Vanishing Act
I'll start this off with a bit of explanation about me.
Some of my traits lend themselves well to being both negative and positive. They're positive because they keep me focused and working hard, yet they're negative because other people often don't know how to respond to them. They also serve to remind others that I am a person with my own feelings and needs, that I won't lay down quietly and take bad treatment from others. Much of it is due to how I was treated in the past; my feelings and wants were disregarded, so now I redouble my efforts to make sure they're taken into consideration. Sadly, it also can mean that I tend to react more harshly when I feel others are pushing my buttons or treating me badly, no matter how innocuous their intentions. I have to be blunt: If I feel like I'm being disrespected or treated badly, I will very likely be triggered and I will very likely react accordingly. I hate that I'm currently wired like this, and I plan to work on trying to defuse those wires so I can react less extremely. CSUN has great resources for mental health/counseling that I plan to take advantage of now that I'm in an environment where I feel I belong and can thrive.
Justin, however, is still a sticking point that just doesn't seem to have an easy remedy. I'm not sure he fully realizes just how triggering a lot of his behavior is for me (at least, I hope he doesn't. I don't think I could handle it if he knew he was being triggering and behaved that way anyway). But the fact is, a lot of his behaviors push my 'trigger' buttons, then he throws it in my face that I 'have issues' that he can't deal with. Sadly, telling me I'm 'overreacting' does essentially nothing to help matters, and only will get me angrier. (Hey, YOU try reacting perfectly rationally when someone tells you you're overreacting when your buttons are pushed and you're upset.) I think the toughest part is when he knows I'm hurt, yet he refuses to show empathy. Even just saying 'sorry things are rough; hang in there, they'll get better' or some variant thereof can be a help. Or even just apologizing for something that was misconstrued. My parents wouldn't show much empathy when they hurt me, or they would show very shallow and false empathy but never change their behavior to prevent it from happening again.
I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt here. A lot of people don't always fully realize when they trigger someone, especially when that 'someone' has dealt with invisible trauma and is healing from it. My transitional period is over, and now I feel I can heal much more deeply than I could during the first 8 months. I don't get the feeling he's doing any of it maliciously, but more because he doesn't understand how better to handle things. I always ask him to be sensitive, but I don't think he knows how to do so without a bit of help. I really want to help him to help me, so to speak. I want to help him be able to navigate my moods and my touchy spots so as to make things easier on both of us, just as I've been trying to do for him.
Of course, as much as it pains me to have to do, I also have to acknowledge that he just might plain hate me. I'm used to that, dealing with it from my parents, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've told him if he hates me, it's no issue for me to disappear. I won't stay where I'm not wanted, and I'm good as disappearing from those sort of situations. I've wanted him to succeed, wanted to be supportive, wanted to see him succeed, and wanted him to see what a success I'll become. But if he hates me, then I can't do that. I genuinely miss his company, miss just spending quiet time with him, even if just watching a movie and talking. But I won't force myself into his company if he hates me. I miss him so much that I'm crying a bit as I write this, but I won't stay if he doesn't want me to.
Some of my traits lend themselves well to being both negative and positive. They're positive because they keep me focused and working hard, yet they're negative because other people often don't know how to respond to them. They also serve to remind others that I am a person with my own feelings and needs, that I won't lay down quietly and take bad treatment from others. Much of it is due to how I was treated in the past; my feelings and wants were disregarded, so now I redouble my efforts to make sure they're taken into consideration. Sadly, it also can mean that I tend to react more harshly when I feel others are pushing my buttons or treating me badly, no matter how innocuous their intentions. I have to be blunt: If I feel like I'm being disrespected or treated badly, I will very likely be triggered and I will very likely react accordingly. I hate that I'm currently wired like this, and I plan to work on trying to defuse those wires so I can react less extremely. CSUN has great resources for mental health/counseling that I plan to take advantage of now that I'm in an environment where I feel I belong and can thrive.
Justin, however, is still a sticking point that just doesn't seem to have an easy remedy. I'm not sure he fully realizes just how triggering a lot of his behavior is for me (at least, I hope he doesn't. I don't think I could handle it if he knew he was being triggering and behaved that way anyway). But the fact is, a lot of his behaviors push my 'trigger' buttons, then he throws it in my face that I 'have issues' that he can't deal with. Sadly, telling me I'm 'overreacting' does essentially nothing to help matters, and only will get me angrier. (Hey, YOU try reacting perfectly rationally when someone tells you you're overreacting when your buttons are pushed and you're upset.) I think the toughest part is when he knows I'm hurt, yet he refuses to show empathy. Even just saying 'sorry things are rough; hang in there, they'll get better' or some variant thereof can be a help. Or even just apologizing for something that was misconstrued. My parents wouldn't show much empathy when they hurt me, or they would show very shallow and false empathy but never change their behavior to prevent it from happening again.
I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt here. A lot of people don't always fully realize when they trigger someone, especially when that 'someone' has dealt with invisible trauma and is healing from it. My transitional period is over, and now I feel I can heal much more deeply than I could during the first 8 months. I don't get the feeling he's doing any of it maliciously, but more because he doesn't understand how better to handle things. I always ask him to be sensitive, but I don't think he knows how to do so without a bit of help. I really want to help him to help me, so to speak. I want to help him be able to navigate my moods and my touchy spots so as to make things easier on both of us, just as I've been trying to do for him.
Of course, as much as it pains me to have to do, I also have to acknowledge that he just might plain hate me. I'm used to that, dealing with it from my parents, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've told him if he hates me, it's no issue for me to disappear. I won't stay where I'm not wanted, and I'm good as disappearing from those sort of situations. I've wanted him to succeed, wanted to be supportive, wanted to see him succeed, and wanted him to see what a success I'll become. But if he hates me, then I can't do that. I genuinely miss his company, miss just spending quiet time with him, even if just watching a movie and talking. But I won't force myself into his company if he hates me. I miss him so much that I'm crying a bit as I write this, but I won't stay if he doesn't want me to.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Freewrite 8/21: Further nails
In one of my blog posts last month, I talked about my last chat with Mom, and how low she made me feel when I was doing exactly what she always wanted me to do. Well, I now have reasons to add more nails to her proverbial coffin.
Ever since I moved out back in December, I had meant to get back in touch with my grandmother. Mom had mentioned it, Aunt Mary Lou had mentioned it, and it was on my mind quite a bit. I finally decided to do so. While talking to my aunt and catching up on things with her (She's doing well, by the by. Chemo's been rough on her, but she's handling it as well as she can.), I asked her if she could give me my grandmother's phone number, since my weird memory has her address memorized, but it refuses to store her number. Needless to say, she was happy to give it to me, and I gave my grandmother a call.
My grandmother was incredibly happy (and relieved!) to hear from me, since it had been so long since I'd last talked to her. She then told me that Mom was essentially badmouthing me to her whenever the two of them would talk. It got to the point that my grandmother yelled at her for essentially abandoning me when I needed her the most. She didn't share specifics about what Mom was saying about me, but from her voice and her words it couldn't have been anything good.
...Yeah, that sound you heard? That was the sound of my feeling like I was slapped in the face. I've grieved leaving (never regretted it!), wanted to keep some sort of communication open with her, maybe even reestablish some sort of relationship. Now, I wouldn't spit on either of them if they were on fire. After how abhorrently she and Dad behaved toward me, I would have thought eight months would be enough time for her to accept my choices and be more accepting of me. Apparently some people have nothing better to do than stew in their bitterness; not that it matters to me since I no longer have to personally put up with it.
I will say this. I love how my grandmother stepped up and supported me. I admit, I'd been a bit leery of talking to her because I worried she would have heard the whole deal from Mom and thought I should try reconciling with her. It is a HUGE relief to know that she is supportive of CSUN and that she encourages me to keep the 2.5-3 hour distance from Mom and Dad. It makes all of this hurt quite a bit less.
Ever since I moved out back in December, I had meant to get back in touch with my grandmother. Mom had mentioned it, Aunt Mary Lou had mentioned it, and it was on my mind quite a bit. I finally decided to do so. While talking to my aunt and catching up on things with her (She's doing well, by the by. Chemo's been rough on her, but she's handling it as well as she can.), I asked her if she could give me my grandmother's phone number, since my weird memory has her address memorized, but it refuses to store her number. Needless to say, she was happy to give it to me, and I gave my grandmother a call.
My grandmother was incredibly happy (and relieved!) to hear from me, since it had been so long since I'd last talked to her. She then told me that Mom was essentially badmouthing me to her whenever the two of them would talk. It got to the point that my grandmother yelled at her for essentially abandoning me when I needed her the most. She didn't share specifics about what Mom was saying about me, but from her voice and her words it couldn't have been anything good.
...Yeah, that sound you heard? That was the sound of my feeling like I was slapped in the face. I've grieved leaving (never regretted it!), wanted to keep some sort of communication open with her, maybe even reestablish some sort of relationship. Now, I wouldn't spit on either of them if they were on fire. After how abhorrently she and Dad behaved toward me, I would have thought eight months would be enough time for her to accept my choices and be more accepting of me. Apparently some people have nothing better to do than stew in their bitterness; not that it matters to me since I no longer have to personally put up with it.
I will say this. I love how my grandmother stepped up and supported me. I admit, I'd been a bit leery of talking to her because I worried she would have heard the whole deal from Mom and thought I should try reconciling with her. It is a HUGE relief to know that she is supportive of CSUN and that she encourages me to keep the 2.5-3 hour distance from Mom and Dad. It makes all of this hurt quite a bit less.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Freewrite 8/19 2/2: Privilege
I'll say it. I really hope Justin appreciates his family and their interest and support of him. I'm not saying that to be nasty, or sarcastic. I really do hope that every time he goes and sees them -regardless of the reason- that he really appreciates the privilege that he has.
In this morning's bout of insomnia, I thought about how incredibly cheated I feel as I start finalizing my CSUN gear-up. I thought about how so many people get support from their families as they move to a new school, starting something this new and exciting, and I don't have that. My parents can't be bothered to give more than the most cursory care about things, no matter how positive they are for me, and I doubt my sister is much better in that regard. And you know what? I'm far from the only one who is in a boat like this, who has had to climb out of their own personal hell, and has the broken nails to prove we clawed our way out.
I honestly feel incredibly scarred by the psychological wounds I've had to carry. I've been belittled, had my sense of self chiseled at, threatened, called names...I really could go on and on. I've had to carry those secrets internally, because I was told that a) no one would believe me, and b) I would lose all security (roof over my head and so on) if I said anything. Making that anecdote worse? I was threatened with the latter when I was sixteen years old. You read that right. I was psychologically forced through the wringer, then told I would be kicked out at sixteen if I said anything to anyone. More recently, I had to stand there the evening of December 21st and hear my own dad call me 'street person' to my face, and suggest I no longer deserved to sleep in a bed (he told me I was going to sleep in the garage). Making things worse, Mom's only response was to tell him I couldn't sleep in the garage because it was cold and stormy that night. No attitude of 'how could you say something like that to your own child'. That, coupled with my sister's hemming and hawing about letting me stay with her, cut that much deeper. And again, I know I'm far from the only one who has had to deal with circumstances like these, and others who have dealt with worse.
And that is the danger in privilege. It's the wool people pull over their eyes so they can deny problems around them. Justin is no exception. He uses his privilege as an excuse to look down on me for my purported 'issues', all the while refusing to deal with his own real issues. I don't care what justifications he spews, he has been deteriorating over the past several months. So many of us can see it, but he won't see it and refuses to do anything about it. All the while, he treats me progressively worse and worse, and I'm sick of it. I do what I can to help him out, and I get silence in return. I find talent jobs for him, support him as much as I can, and only really ask he do the same for me, but I get none of the same in return. I think of things that I know he wants to see or experience, and I work to include him, and again get none of the same in return.
I think what saddens me the most is I can't save him from his own privilege. I can only shake my head and watch him flounder and bury himself deeper. He's the only one who can save himself.
In this morning's bout of insomnia, I thought about how incredibly cheated I feel as I start finalizing my CSUN gear-up. I thought about how so many people get support from their families as they move to a new school, starting something this new and exciting, and I don't have that. My parents can't be bothered to give more than the most cursory care about things, no matter how positive they are for me, and I doubt my sister is much better in that regard. And you know what? I'm far from the only one who is in a boat like this, who has had to climb out of their own personal hell, and has the broken nails to prove we clawed our way out.
I honestly feel incredibly scarred by the psychological wounds I've had to carry. I've been belittled, had my sense of self chiseled at, threatened, called names...I really could go on and on. I've had to carry those secrets internally, because I was told that a) no one would believe me, and b) I would lose all security (roof over my head and so on) if I said anything. Making that anecdote worse? I was threatened with the latter when I was sixteen years old. You read that right. I was psychologically forced through the wringer, then told I would be kicked out at sixteen if I said anything to anyone. More recently, I had to stand there the evening of December 21st and hear my own dad call me 'street person' to my face, and suggest I no longer deserved to sleep in a bed (he told me I was going to sleep in the garage). Making things worse, Mom's only response was to tell him I couldn't sleep in the garage because it was cold and stormy that night. No attitude of 'how could you say something like that to your own child'. That, coupled with my sister's hemming and hawing about letting me stay with her, cut that much deeper. And again, I know I'm far from the only one who has had to deal with circumstances like these, and others who have dealt with worse.
And that is the danger in privilege. It's the wool people pull over their eyes so they can deny problems around them. Justin is no exception. He uses his privilege as an excuse to look down on me for my purported 'issues', all the while refusing to deal with his own real issues. I don't care what justifications he spews, he has been deteriorating over the past several months. So many of us can see it, but he won't see it and refuses to do anything about it. All the while, he treats me progressively worse and worse, and I'm sick of it. I do what I can to help him out, and I get silence in return. I find talent jobs for him, support him as much as I can, and only really ask he do the same for me, but I get none of the same in return. I think of things that I know he wants to see or experience, and I work to include him, and again get none of the same in return.
I think what saddens me the most is I can't save him from his own privilege. I can only shake my head and watch him flounder and bury himself deeper. He's the only one who can save himself.
Freewrite 8/19 1/2: Hope
As I sat trying to unsuccessfully clear my head enough to sleep, I started pondering things. Two in particular occurred to me.
The 22nd of this month is a pretty big milestone for this girl. My 8-month healing milestone. Yup, it will have been 8 months ago on the 22nd of this month that I was able to leave the toxic environment that I had been in for my entire life. I've never held any illusions that it would be easy, or fun, or any other little cutting mockeries that have been tossed at me; believe me, 'fun' is one of the last words I would use to describe the process. I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of, as well as just how strong I can be. Things can really only go up from here, and it's a ride I'm looking forward to taking.
The other? A topic for the next post. It warrants its own separate entry, believe me.
The 22nd of this month is a pretty big milestone for this girl. My 8-month healing milestone. Yup, it will have been 8 months ago on the 22nd of this month that I was able to leave the toxic environment that I had been in for my entire life. I've never held any illusions that it would be easy, or fun, or any other little cutting mockeries that have been tossed at me; believe me, 'fun' is one of the last words I would use to describe the process. I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of, as well as just how strong I can be. Things can really only go up from here, and it's a ride I'm looking forward to taking.
The other? A topic for the next post. It warrants its own separate entry, believe me.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Freewrite 8/2: Further cutting
Adding onto my prior posting about cutting Justin off...
Becky and I have been talking and hashing things out. And we're both done. Finished. Fed up with how he's treating us both. He still refuses to treat me with any sort of respect, refuses to act toward me like the friend he promised he would be, and he treats Becky as though she's a toy to him. When he's called on it, he answers with excuses and whining, but no action. And we're both tired of it. We're tired of his games, we're tired of his lacking respect...all of it.
So from here on out, she and I both are cutting him off. As with my own decision, if he actually gets his head out of his ass and starts treating us with decency and respect, then we'll consider letting him back into our lives. But this is getting us nowhere. And it hurts. It really hurts to watch him keep burying himself with no desire to change his circumstances. But we can't save him. I can't save him. He has to do the job himself, has to admit that he has major problems and needs help with them. Until he does, he'll just keep drowning in his own stagnation, always whining and making excuses about why he isn't a success. All the while, he'll blame other people for his own failings, never taking responsibility for his own actions.
And we're done. Done watching him drown himself with no struggle to free himself from his own problems. Maybe if he admits to his problems and works on bettering himself we'll be back. Until then, we aren't holding our collective breath.
Becky and I have been talking and hashing things out. And we're both done. Finished. Fed up with how he's treating us both. He still refuses to treat me with any sort of respect, refuses to act toward me like the friend he promised he would be, and he treats Becky as though she's a toy to him. When he's called on it, he answers with excuses and whining, but no action. And we're both tired of it. We're tired of his games, we're tired of his lacking respect...all of it.
So from here on out, she and I both are cutting him off. As with my own decision, if he actually gets his head out of his ass and starts treating us with decency and respect, then we'll consider letting him back into our lives. But this is getting us nowhere. And it hurts. It really hurts to watch him keep burying himself with no desire to change his circumstances. But we can't save him. I can't save him. He has to do the job himself, has to admit that he has major problems and needs help with them. Until he does, he'll just keep drowning in his own stagnation, always whining and making excuses about why he isn't a success. All the while, he'll blame other people for his own failings, never taking responsibility for his own actions.
And we're done. Done watching him drown himself with no struggle to free himself from his own problems. Maybe if he admits to his problems and works on bettering himself we'll be back. Until then, we aren't holding our collective breath.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Freewrite 7/25: Cut
In short, it's done. I hated to do it, but I had to. There really wasn't any better way to do it.
As I'd said in my last posting (and a fair few before that) Justin wasn't treating me with the respect I was promised. He always said he wouldn't abandon me, yet he essentially did just that. He stabbed me in the back, just as he backstabbed Vic and Jared. The worst part about it is that we all wanted to remain friends with him. We wanted him to succeed, wanted everything for him that a friend would want. But he is the only one who could do what was necessary, and he never really did.
I find all of this incredibly sad. I wanted him to succeed, wanted to support him in pursuing a goal that is extremely difficult to achieve. I know he can do it. But I also know my own emotional and mental state come first. He has repeatedly shown that he just doesn't care about anything that isn't related to him in some remote manner. He has shown that he can't even live up to his own words and promises, nor will he make any sort of attempt to do so. When he's called on it, he constantly tries to project blame onto the other party, claiming they're the ones with the issues, instead of being a man and owning up to his mistakes. I really could go on, but it would be redundant at kindest, so why bother rehashing them again?
Having been encouraged to by my good friends, I sent him a message officially cutting him off. I didn't do it to be hateful, or cruel, but so that he can get himself on track without bringing me down with him. I'll be starting at CSUN next month (already have my classes picked out! I'm excited!), and I can't let someone like him adversely affect my academic goals. I encouraged him to get the help that I know he knows he needs, even though he is averse to therapy. I also encouraged him to further his own acting potential by trying to go back and get an acting degree. I guess in spite of everything, I still want him to succeed and don't want him to flounder. Ball's in his court from here, lets see how he plays with it.
And who knows? If he can show me lasting courtesy and respect, if he can show he's actually improving, maybe he'll be back in my life again. Considering his track record to this point, I have to concur with my friend, Vic. He hasn't done so to this point, so chances are good he still won't follow through, he'll still want things done the 'easy' way. But I do still care for him, and all I can do is hope he actually does what he knows he must.
As I'd said in my last posting (and a fair few before that) Justin wasn't treating me with the respect I was promised. He always said he wouldn't abandon me, yet he essentially did just that. He stabbed me in the back, just as he backstabbed Vic and Jared. The worst part about it is that we all wanted to remain friends with him. We wanted him to succeed, wanted everything for him that a friend would want. But he is the only one who could do what was necessary, and he never really did.
I find all of this incredibly sad. I wanted him to succeed, wanted to support him in pursuing a goal that is extremely difficult to achieve. I know he can do it. But I also know my own emotional and mental state come first. He has repeatedly shown that he just doesn't care about anything that isn't related to him in some remote manner. He has shown that he can't even live up to his own words and promises, nor will he make any sort of attempt to do so. When he's called on it, he constantly tries to project blame onto the other party, claiming they're the ones with the issues, instead of being a man and owning up to his mistakes. I really could go on, but it would be redundant at kindest, so why bother rehashing them again?
Having been encouraged to by my good friends, I sent him a message officially cutting him off. I didn't do it to be hateful, or cruel, but so that he can get himself on track without bringing me down with him. I'll be starting at CSUN next month (already have my classes picked out! I'm excited!), and I can't let someone like him adversely affect my academic goals. I encouraged him to get the help that I know he knows he needs, even though he is averse to therapy. I also encouraged him to further his own acting potential by trying to go back and get an acting degree. I guess in spite of everything, I still want him to succeed and don't want him to flounder. Ball's in his court from here, lets see how he plays with it.
And who knows? If he can show me lasting courtesy and respect, if he can show he's actually improving, maybe he'll be back in my life again. Considering his track record to this point, I have to concur with my friend, Vic. He hasn't done so to this point, so chances are good he still won't follow through, he'll still want things done the 'easy' way. But I do still care for him, and all I can do is hope he actually does what he knows he must.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Freewrite 7/24: Excision
This has been a while coming. It's taken me a lot of thought, a lot of tears, a lot of everything these past few weeks. I really think a lot of this is what Vic went through a few months ago when she cut Justin out for good.
In short, he's getting exactly what he wants. He has shown just how much he hates me, just how much he wishes I weren't there, so I'm planning to no longer be there. He has shown no consideration for me, for my feelings, for anything pertaining to me that doesn't also jibe with his own selfish wants. He has been called out on his behavior several times, but he blows it off. I've watched him be lazy, waffle on his own wants and goals, and refuse to take any responsibility for his life and his choices.
I'm not saying 'good riddance' to him or anything of that sort. If I take this route, I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. But I can't focus on my future when he's being a horrible so-called 'friend'. He says he wants to be friends, but he makes it all about HIM and HIS schedules and HIS wants. He refuses to try to balance between his wants and needs and mine. Being friends is about compromise and balance between two parties, not stacked unnecessarily in favor of one party.
In short, if he really wants to have anything to do with me, then that's great and I'd be glad to have him as a part of my life when I'm entering a very exciting phase of it. Otherwise, I've come extremely close to wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. He won't change, he refuses to see that his actions are problematic, and I don't need that.
In short, he's getting exactly what he wants. He has shown just how much he hates me, just how much he wishes I weren't there, so I'm planning to no longer be there. He has shown no consideration for me, for my feelings, for anything pertaining to me that doesn't also jibe with his own selfish wants. He has been called out on his behavior several times, but he blows it off. I've watched him be lazy, waffle on his own wants and goals, and refuse to take any responsibility for his life and his choices.
I'm not saying 'good riddance' to him or anything of that sort. If I take this route, I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. But I can't focus on my future when he's being a horrible so-called 'friend'. He says he wants to be friends, but he makes it all about HIM and HIS schedules and HIS wants. He refuses to try to balance between his wants and needs and mine. Being friends is about compromise and balance between two parties, not stacked unnecessarily in favor of one party.
In short, if he really wants to have anything to do with me, then that's great and I'd be glad to have him as a part of my life when I'm entering a very exciting phase of it. Otherwise, I've come extremely close to wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. He won't change, he refuses to see that his actions are problematic, and I don't need that.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Freewrite 7/22: Secrets, Lies, and Manipulation
Okay, I've had enough of this. For all his whinging about my purported 'issues', Justin has far more than his own fair share of them. The worst part now is he tells Becky (in a manner that he seems to think is behind my back) that I'm manipulative. I kid you not. He essentially said that, because I grew up in a household where most of my needs were met, I can tend to want to manipulate things so I can get my way. (In case you hadn't already guessed, I'm still waiting for specific instances in which I've been manipulative any more than any other normal human being.) Becky confirmed to me that I'm as far from manipulative as anyone she might know, so I'm going to call BS on him.
His childish behavior is getting old very quickly. He wanted to remain friends, yet he continues to treat me like shit. He talks behind my back like a fucking high school student, but won't say anything to me directly about things. He whinges when he doesn't get his way, but won't let anyone else have their way from time to time. In short, he's an arrogant prick who really has little-to-no reason to be arrogant. It's all really pathetic.
I'll say it right here. The guy has far more issues than the petty few of mine he's so gleefully latched onto. His run much deeper and are more damaging to him than mine could ever be to me. I hate to play the tit-for-tat game, but once he actually makes an effort to help himself by getting the psychological help he needs, then I'll do the same for any of my own lingering troubles. The fact that he's too damn blind and arrogant to see what he's doing and how to fix himself leads me to have little confidence in that matter.
I guess in short, I'm tired. Tired of his arrogance, his attempts to degrade me, his insults, the backbiting he does in the hopes of winning sympathy from Becky (which he's losing based on how he's treating me)...I could go on. I'd hate to cut him out 150%, but he's starting to leave me no choice. I will say, once I start down that path, it won't be so easy to find me, nor will I be as sweet and gentle as I have been toward the person. I don't want to have to cut him off -especially since he swears he wants to remain friends- but why should I tolerate his shit when he throws a tantrum?
His delusions of grandeur and his manipulative arrogance really make me just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from him. But he still means a great deal to me, and right now I can't turn my back on him. Once he gets the help he so desperately needs, maybe things will be better. Until then, the arrogant prick (who is so different than he was when we first started dating) is running out of support from even me.
Speaking of manipulation, I'm just going to come out and say it. I feel as though I was lied to for an entire year. I feel like I can't trust anything Justin has told me, because he essentially lied to me for the year we were together. And that makes me so incredibly sad. He always treated me so well during the first year, now he's just an arrogant bastard. All the time she told me how he loved me, many of the ways he treated me...none of it makes sense. Jerk. What, am I supposed to be a porcelain doll with limited motion so he can mold me to his liking. I say 'Fuck. No."
Great, I need sleep.
His childish behavior is getting old very quickly. He wanted to remain friends, yet he continues to treat me like shit. He talks behind my back like a fucking high school student, but won't say anything to me directly about things. He whinges when he doesn't get his way, but won't let anyone else have their way from time to time. In short, he's an arrogant prick who really has little-to-no reason to be arrogant. It's all really pathetic.
I'll say it right here. The guy has far more issues than the petty few of mine he's so gleefully latched onto. His run much deeper and are more damaging to him than mine could ever be to me. I hate to play the tit-for-tat game, but once he actually makes an effort to help himself by getting the psychological help he needs, then I'll do the same for any of my own lingering troubles. The fact that he's too damn blind and arrogant to see what he's doing and how to fix himself leads me to have little confidence in that matter.
I guess in short, I'm tired. Tired of his arrogance, his attempts to degrade me, his insults, the backbiting he does in the hopes of winning sympathy from Becky (which he's losing based on how he's treating me)...I could go on. I'd hate to cut him out 150%, but he's starting to leave me no choice. I will say, once I start down that path, it won't be so easy to find me, nor will I be as sweet and gentle as I have been toward the person. I don't want to have to cut him off -especially since he swears he wants to remain friends- but why should I tolerate his shit when he throws a tantrum?
His delusions of grandeur and his manipulative arrogance really make me just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from him. But he still means a great deal to me, and right now I can't turn my back on him. Once he gets the help he so desperately needs, maybe things will be better. Until then, the arrogant prick (who is so different than he was when we first started dating) is running out of support from even me.
Speaking of manipulation, I'm just going to come out and say it. I feel as though I was lied to for an entire year. I feel like I can't trust anything Justin has told me, because he essentially lied to me for the year we were together. And that makes me so incredibly sad. He always treated me so well during the first year, now he's just an arrogant bastard. All the time she told me how he loved me, many of the ways he treated me...none of it makes sense. Jerk. What, am I supposed to be a porcelain doll with limited motion so he can mold me to his liking. I say 'Fuck. No."
Great, I need sleep.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Freewrite 7/13: Edge
So things have been...interesting, to say the least. But Becky and I are on the same page here.
We both wanted to be friends with Justin. But now, after she and I have been talking extensively, we're in agreement. He has been incredibly disrespectful toward both of us recently, and he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. In short, he acts as though we're here to fulfill his needs, without his feeling he has to do the same for us. Last time I checked, we girls aren't objects. We're individuals with emotions and needs of our own, and we're sick of the lack of respect he regards us with.
He tells me that I'm 'irrational', that I have 'issues'. He does anything in his power to hurt me, then pawns me off on Becky while telling her that I'm 'her problem' because we're best friends. He even once told her (quoted practically verbatim) that he 'hates to play this card, but she's your friend', never mind that I was supposed to be his friend as well. He refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior, acting instead as though he's totally innocent. He says he resents me for my 'issues', but refuses to give me the time I need to find the security I need in order to keep them from becoming troublesome. (I've mentioned in this space before that my past traumas and other issues are exacerbated by a lack of security. Once I'm going 150% in the right direction, they won't affect me quite as much.) He wouldn't even be supportive when I needed a friendly ear for a few minutes after my last chitchat with Mom. Even though he's been told not to do it, he continues to try hitting on Becky, even when I'm right there in his company. When called on it, he shrugs it off and says he doesn't care, since I'm 'no longer his problem'. He shows bare bits of emotion to me when he really wants something, but he refuses to be there for me in any capacity that would resemble the 'friendship' he told me he wanted. To make things that much worse (and more insulting), he insists up one side and down the other that he remains on 'good terms' with all of his ex-girlfriends. If that really is the case, then why is he treating me like shit? Does he really care that little, or is he just lying through his teeth so he's not painted as the 'bad guy' in all of this? Last time I checked, I didn't lose my right to courtesy the moment he threw his little tantrums and insisted he was 'done'.
As for Becky, he pretty much treats her as though she's some sort of prize to be caught (as per my prior remark about his hitting on her). He doesn't act as though she has any other feelings beyond that, or that she should receive anything other than cursory attention. She's been sidelined for a few days now with a sprained ankle, and he's barely even acknowledged it, let alone told her he hopes it gets better soon or some other jazz. All of his actions make her essentially feel used, which she appreciates (as in abhors) because they dredge up all sorts of painful memories for her.
So in short Justin, thanks for being a selfish douchebag. Thanks for alienating two people who truly care about you and don't want to cut you out of their lives completely. I literally am about thisclose to cutting him 100% out of my life and never so much as letting him breathe on me again, and I'm pretty sure Becky feels the same way. He is a selfish, disrespectful asshole who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior, and we refuse to be the subjects of his disrespect. We are NOT his playthings to be used and tossed out on a whim, we deserve all the courtesy and respect in the world, simply because we're human beings. If he wants those, he needs to buy himself a few more Megatron figures for his collection. But he has NO right to treat us like garbage, and honestly, we won't even consider keeping up any sort of relationship with him (asides from an EXTREMELY cursory one at Faire/Guild events) if he won't grow the fuck up and realize that.
We both wanted to be friends with Justin. But now, after she and I have been talking extensively, we're in agreement. He has been incredibly disrespectful toward both of us recently, and he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. In short, he acts as though we're here to fulfill his needs, without his feeling he has to do the same for us. Last time I checked, we girls aren't objects. We're individuals with emotions and needs of our own, and we're sick of the lack of respect he regards us with.
He tells me that I'm 'irrational', that I have 'issues'. He does anything in his power to hurt me, then pawns me off on Becky while telling her that I'm 'her problem' because we're best friends. He even once told her (quoted practically verbatim) that he 'hates to play this card, but she's your friend', never mind that I was supposed to be his friend as well. He refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior, acting instead as though he's totally innocent. He says he resents me for my 'issues', but refuses to give me the time I need to find the security I need in order to keep them from becoming troublesome. (I've mentioned in this space before that my past traumas and other issues are exacerbated by a lack of security. Once I'm going 150% in the right direction, they won't affect me quite as much.) He wouldn't even be supportive when I needed a friendly ear for a few minutes after my last chitchat with Mom. Even though he's been told not to do it, he continues to try hitting on Becky, even when I'm right there in his company. When called on it, he shrugs it off and says he doesn't care, since I'm 'no longer his problem'. He shows bare bits of emotion to me when he really wants something, but he refuses to be there for me in any capacity that would resemble the 'friendship' he told me he wanted. To make things that much worse (and more insulting), he insists up one side and down the other that he remains on 'good terms' with all of his ex-girlfriends. If that really is the case, then why is he treating me like shit? Does he really care that little, or is he just lying through his teeth so he's not painted as the 'bad guy' in all of this? Last time I checked, I didn't lose my right to courtesy the moment he threw his little tantrums and insisted he was 'done'.
As for Becky, he pretty much treats her as though she's some sort of prize to be caught (as per my prior remark about his hitting on her). He doesn't act as though she has any other feelings beyond that, or that she should receive anything other than cursory attention. She's been sidelined for a few days now with a sprained ankle, and he's barely even acknowledged it, let alone told her he hopes it gets better soon or some other jazz. All of his actions make her essentially feel used, which she appreciates (as in abhors) because they dredge up all sorts of painful memories for her.
So in short Justin, thanks for being a selfish douchebag. Thanks for alienating two people who truly care about you and don't want to cut you out of their lives completely. I literally am about thisclose to cutting him 100% out of my life and never so much as letting him breathe on me again, and I'm pretty sure Becky feels the same way. He is a selfish, disrespectful asshole who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior, and we refuse to be the subjects of his disrespect. We are NOT his playthings to be used and tossed out on a whim, we deserve all the courtesy and respect in the world, simply because we're human beings. If he wants those, he needs to buy himself a few more Megatron figures for his collection. But he has NO right to treat us like garbage, and honestly, we won't even consider keeping up any sort of relationship with him (asides from an EXTREMELY cursory one at Faire/Guild events) if he won't grow the fuck up and realize that.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Freewrite 7/10: One Last Nail
I think it's official. In some ways, it hurts a little to have to say all of this, but I feel like it needs saying. I feel like I need to say it in order to move forward, in a way.
I decided to talk to my mother. Might not have been the greatest idea, but I wanted to tell her about my plans for CSUN and other updates on my life. While I wasn't expecting her to be gushing and happy for me, it would have been nice to hear some kind of support from her. The result? The verbal equivalent of a shrug and a 'that's fine'. That was the limit of my support from her, even after telling her about financial aid and everything else I was doing to make it. For someone who always valued an education, she really didn't seem to like what I was doing in terms of my education.
I don't want to give up on all of this, but at the same time I don't know what to do emotion-wise. It hurts more than I can say to have so very little support from her over something so important. All I can really do is hang onto the people who are currently the closest to me and get through this.
What makes this suck even more is how it makes me second-guess if I even want to go back to San Diego to visit at all. Faire is different, but I'd thought about going back and seeing them. Now, I feel like I just got cut off from a big part of my life that I loved, and I resent it.
I decided to talk to my mother. Might not have been the greatest idea, but I wanted to tell her about my plans for CSUN and other updates on my life. While I wasn't expecting her to be gushing and happy for me, it would have been nice to hear some kind of support from her. The result? The verbal equivalent of a shrug and a 'that's fine'. That was the limit of my support from her, even after telling her about financial aid and everything else I was doing to make it. For someone who always valued an education, she really didn't seem to like what I was doing in terms of my education.
I don't want to give up on all of this, but at the same time I don't know what to do emotion-wise. It hurts more than I can say to have so very little support from her over something so important. All I can really do is hang onto the people who are currently the closest to me and get through this.
What makes this suck even more is how it makes me second-guess if I even want to go back to San Diego to visit at all. Faire is different, but I'd thought about going back and seeing them. Now, I feel like I just got cut off from a big part of my life that I loved, and I resent it.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Freewrite 7/5: Consideration and Courtesy
Y'know, the last time I checked I didn't turn in my 'right to be treated with respect' card.
And yet it seems Justin refuses to get that. He was spouting off at me about how he didn't want to have to deal with my 'traumas' and my 'issues', and how that was keeping him from being truly considerate of me.
Fuck. That. Noise.
No, seriously, fuck it. That is such utter garbage. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated like a human being. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated with the respect and courtesy that I deserve. Do I have traumas to face and issues to deal with? Sure, who doesn't? Even he has issues and troubles he has to confront.
See, here's the thing. And I've tried to explain this to Justin, but he refuses to see it. The majority of the 'trauma' I deal with is security-based in nature. I literally had days when I would be afraid to say something that might be taken as out of line, lest I be told to leave. And don't get me into a lot of the physical threats, both promised and carried out, that I had to live with. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it happened. It happened enough to erode my security, my trust in others, and everything else emotionally that mattered to me. More recently, my current landlord and his douchebag behavior aren't helping, and while I do have a place to go, the extra stress dealing with him has been causing certainly hasn't helped. Also not helping? Justin sitting up on his high horse condescendingly telling me how my 'issues' affect him to where he resents me. Asshole.
Also, Justin is hardly innocent of having issues and faults of his own. There have been times when I've gotten upset to the point of crying when I don't know what's going on with him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, yet between his OCD and his other faults he can make it next to impossible.
So here and now, I'm going to say what I plan to do from here. I'm much stronger than I was 6-7 months ago, but now it's time to work on galvanizing myself, as it were. No more focusing on my purported 'issues' and 'traumas', and certainly no more sharing them with that idiot. Any work that might need to be done (which really there isn't all that much at this point. Just some fine tuning) will be done on my own, with little to no word to him unless utterly necessary. Let's see how things go from here. I think it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
And yet it seems Justin refuses to get that. He was spouting off at me about how he didn't want to have to deal with my 'traumas' and my 'issues', and how that was keeping him from being truly considerate of me.
Fuck. That. Noise.
No, seriously, fuck it. That is such utter garbage. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated like a human being. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated with the respect and courtesy that I deserve. Do I have traumas to face and issues to deal with? Sure, who doesn't? Even he has issues and troubles he has to confront.
See, here's the thing. And I've tried to explain this to Justin, but he refuses to see it. The majority of the 'trauma' I deal with is security-based in nature. I literally had days when I would be afraid to say something that might be taken as out of line, lest I be told to leave. And don't get me into a lot of the physical threats, both promised and carried out, that I had to live with. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it happened. It happened enough to erode my security, my trust in others, and everything else emotionally that mattered to me. More recently, my current landlord and his douchebag behavior aren't helping, and while I do have a place to go, the extra stress dealing with him has been causing certainly hasn't helped. Also not helping? Justin sitting up on his high horse condescendingly telling me how my 'issues' affect him to where he resents me. Asshole.
Also, Justin is hardly innocent of having issues and faults of his own. There have been times when I've gotten upset to the point of crying when I don't know what's going on with him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, yet between his OCD and his other faults he can make it next to impossible.
So here and now, I'm going to say what I plan to do from here. I'm much stronger than I was 6-7 months ago, but now it's time to work on galvanizing myself, as it were. No more focusing on my purported 'issues' and 'traumas', and certainly no more sharing them with that idiot. Any work that might need to be done (which really there isn't all that much at this point. Just some fine tuning) will be done on my own, with little to no word to him unless utterly necessary. Let's see how things go from here. I think it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Freewrite 6/29: Respect (or the lack thereof)
I'm just going to come right out and ask this.
Who the HELL does he think he is?
I'm serious. For someone who wants to remain friends, he's being an asshole. There, I'm calling him out right here and now. He is being a disrespectful asshole and I refuse to sit quietly and take it. I was forgiving before, I'm not being as forgiving now. He told me to my face that he wanted to remain friends. I am fine with that, since he and I have become rather close since first meeting. But his recent behavior has shown what a fucking LIAR he is. He has done nothing but lie through his damn teeth about the whole 'friends' thing, and I'm not dealing with it anymore.
He is completely disrespectful of any wishes I might have, no matter how small. I've asked him numerous times to talk with me about what we each expect from things, and each time I get silence. He won't agree, he won't disagree, he just ignores me as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. He won't tell me he'd prefer doing things with others, he just ignores me, again as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. I know he's got a lot on his plate with moving and all, but he still ignores me like I'm fucking garbage. The least he could do is let me know something, even if just 'hey, I'm busy right now. Can we talk about it later?'. But apparently, I'm not even worth that in his mind.
Do I really want to be friends with a lying, disrespectful prat like him? Do I want to put myself through the whole deal with trying to remain friendly while he treats me like shit? I am so sick of this. The guy CLEARLY has no fucking clue how to treat friends, and I've just about had it. I've had it with being ignored, with being blown off, with his acting like I'm a fucking nuisance. Trust me, I'm about thisclose to cutting him off for good. All it would take is him giving me one more reason, and that's it. I'm through being nice simply because he's a so-called 'nice guy'. I refuse to stomach it any further.
Who the HELL does he think he is?
I'm serious. For someone who wants to remain friends, he's being an asshole. There, I'm calling him out right here and now. He is being a disrespectful asshole and I refuse to sit quietly and take it. I was forgiving before, I'm not being as forgiving now. He told me to my face that he wanted to remain friends. I am fine with that, since he and I have become rather close since first meeting. But his recent behavior has shown what a fucking LIAR he is. He has done nothing but lie through his damn teeth about the whole 'friends' thing, and I'm not dealing with it anymore.
He is completely disrespectful of any wishes I might have, no matter how small. I've asked him numerous times to talk with me about what we each expect from things, and each time I get silence. He won't agree, he won't disagree, he just ignores me as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. He won't tell me he'd prefer doing things with others, he just ignores me, again as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. I know he's got a lot on his plate with moving and all, but he still ignores me like I'm fucking garbage. The least he could do is let me know something, even if just 'hey, I'm busy right now. Can we talk about it later?'. But apparently, I'm not even worth that in his mind.
Do I really want to be friends with a lying, disrespectful prat like him? Do I want to put myself through the whole deal with trying to remain friendly while he treats me like shit? I am so sick of this. The guy CLEARLY has no fucking clue how to treat friends, and I've just about had it. I've had it with being ignored, with being blown off, with his acting like I'm a fucking nuisance. Trust me, I'm about thisclose to cutting him off for good. All it would take is him giving me one more reason, and that's it. I'm through being nice simply because he's a so-called 'nice guy'. I refuse to stomach it any further.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Freewrite 6/28: Back and Forth
I think the title says it all. Emotionally, I'm going back and forth. A lot. And if you know me well enough, you know I hate the feeling. I like my emotions to be at least manageable, if not even and somewhat controllable. It isn't simply my emotions, of course, but right now that's the big thing.
There are times when I want to just sit him down and yell at him. I want to ask why he would hurt me as deeply and as badly as he did, why he kept treating me like garbage, why he would choose such an asinine, cowardly approach to try and make me leave (since 'being nice wasn't working'), but I know it won't get me anywhere. He refuses to take the time to give me the answers I need. Sure, he's given me some, but it feels like I only have more questions.
I want to be near him, but part of me is disgusted at the thought of him (or anyone) even so much as breathing on me. I want to trust him, but at the same time he aggravated the trust issues I already have. I want to be friends, yet given his drama queen tendencies I'd just as soon he stay as far away from me as possible.
I think the hardest thing for me is feeling like a chunk of the support I had from him has been eroded. Part of why I've been working so hard to stay on my own was so he and I could grow as people, as well as growing as a couple. I've always believed that a couple should see the less-than-positive along with the positive so each member can grow as an individual, and in so doing the pairing can grow stronger. (As you can tell, I don't really believe in the same ol' same ol'. That gets stale really fast.) I also wasn't looking at marriage or any sort of serious commitment at this point. At some point down the road, when I'm ready? Sure. But all I wanted now was to get to know him better, spend time with him, and in the process better establish myself. But now, I feel as though there's a bit less of a reason for me to keep trying. He wants as little to do with me as possible (he's even said as much), which also cuts me off from some of the support his family was providing me. So I'm left feeling like I've just lost the equivalent of two family units in six months.
In talking with my aunt yesterday, she suggested I try reconciling with Mom and moving back to San Diego for a time, if not back with my parents then with my sister and brother-in-law. And honestly? That's becoming more and more tempting as time goes on. Only the fact that I have limited education options if I go back down there keeps me from actually doing so. I'm putting a lot of hope into getting into Northridge, and most of me wants to stay up here even if those hopes are delayed a few months. And yet, why should I stay if it feels like I have so little support?
In the end, I still don't know...and what makes it worse is that I may never know.
There are times when I want to just sit him down and yell at him. I want to ask why he would hurt me as deeply and as badly as he did, why he kept treating me like garbage, why he would choose such an asinine, cowardly approach to try and make me leave (since 'being nice wasn't working'), but I know it won't get me anywhere. He refuses to take the time to give me the answers I need. Sure, he's given me some, but it feels like I only have more questions.
I want to be near him, but part of me is disgusted at the thought of him (or anyone) even so much as breathing on me. I want to trust him, but at the same time he aggravated the trust issues I already have. I want to be friends, yet given his drama queen tendencies I'd just as soon he stay as far away from me as possible.
I think the hardest thing for me is feeling like a chunk of the support I had from him has been eroded. Part of why I've been working so hard to stay on my own was so he and I could grow as people, as well as growing as a couple. I've always believed that a couple should see the less-than-positive along with the positive so each member can grow as an individual, and in so doing the pairing can grow stronger. (As you can tell, I don't really believe in the same ol' same ol'. That gets stale really fast.) I also wasn't looking at marriage or any sort of serious commitment at this point. At some point down the road, when I'm ready? Sure. But all I wanted now was to get to know him better, spend time with him, and in the process better establish myself. But now, I feel as though there's a bit less of a reason for me to keep trying. He wants as little to do with me as possible (he's even said as much), which also cuts me off from some of the support his family was providing me. So I'm left feeling like I've just lost the equivalent of two family units in six months.
In talking with my aunt yesterday, she suggested I try reconciling with Mom and moving back to San Diego for a time, if not back with my parents then with my sister and brother-in-law. And honestly? That's becoming more and more tempting as time goes on. Only the fact that I have limited education options if I go back down there keeps me from actually doing so. I'm putting a lot of hope into getting into Northridge, and most of me wants to stay up here even if those hopes are delayed a few months. And yet, why should I stay if it feels like I have so little support?
In the end, I still don't know...and what makes it worse is that I may never know.
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