How do I quantify this month? Let me use one word (okay, expression): ACK!
I have really kept myself going this month! In addition to school, I've had a few other projects and sidequests (geek chick FTW here) that have kept me rolling. I've been so busy that I haven't really thought to write in this for the month, yet I really haven't felt it affect me too badly. It's rather interesting how that works; I'd thought I'd need to write more frequently, yet I just went the majority of the month without a post. Weird.
So, what has this busy girl been busy with? At the most mundane, my usual life functions. Sleeping, eating, working, going to school, playing video games...real exciting stuff there. At the not-so-mundane? These:
~I've stepped up on the Podcast Justin and a couple friends of ours work on together. I was planning to be more involved from the revival, but life kept getting in the way. Now I can step in and do more. I've got more of a voice on the show itself, and I'm gradually getting into the audio and website editing. If this is my boyfriend's baby, I should help him nurture it whenever I can, shouldn't I? (In case anyone's curious, you can find the main website at http://scarlet-rhapsody.com/geekfm/. Take a listen!)
~I've been volunteering behind-the-scenes with the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade. For Episode 10 of the aforementioned GeekFM Podcast, we interviewed Ryan Omega, who is involved with the LoJ. While talking to him before the show and interview, I expressed a desire to volunteer to help out, and he has very awesomely kept me in the loop about shoots and othersuch. Monday of last week, I volunteered on the first video shoot for the LoJ, and if all goes well, I plan to do so again this Thursday for another shoot. It's going to be a LOT of fun! I really look forward to seeing Ryan, Shawn, Sasha, and everyone involved with LoJ again. (And who knows? Maybe I can go to this year's LoJ. I heard a friend talk about going last year, and I've wanted to go since then.)
So that's essentially been my free time in a nutshell. Nothing utterly fascinating (except to me), but still enough to keep me rolling and keep me happy. It's been a good -if not busy- month, and we'll see where things go from here.
(I do have other thoughts. Those I'll stick in a separate post, since they're long, slightly rambly, and could take a while to properly formulate.)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Fluff: Much more than words
This is likely one of the harder things to write about. It's not painful or bothersome or anything negative like that. It's not something I dread writing or avoid writing out of fear. I simply don't fully know how to say what all it entails. And even if I do put it all out there, I fear it wouldn't do any good anyway, that no one would listen or care. But I don't want to just hold things in anymore. I don't want to keep things to myself, at least not where my feelings are concerned. Not where he is concerned. So before I let myself sleep, I want to put everything out there. On here, a medium I know he reads. If it gets brushed aside, well, at least I took the chance.
When I first saw Justin, I acknowledged him, but not much else. At the time, he was the new guy who was brought into the Guild to be the Queen's drummer. I thought he seemed interesting, but my mind was on Tom and the life he was promising we were going to build together. I really didn't have the time or energy to think about a newcomer beyond the superficial. He seemed like a pretty good guy, but not someone for me.
Then, things fell apart with Tom, and I got that damned breakup letter just before the following Spring faire. Abruptly, I had to learn to live without someone who has promised me for years that I was the one for him. I had to dream for myself, instead of dreaming for us, because there wasn't an 'us' anymore. He was able to walk away easily (at least, that's how it appeared. It's hard to say how easily he actually walked away), while I had to heal and go on without knowing why I was left behind. So what would have been our first Faire together was my first Faire 'alone'. I'd already broken down once that first morning when telling friends about the breakup, and going backstage at Glade I did so again. I don't specifically remember what was said, but I remember how Justin was there. He was there with a hug, he was there with that ubiquitous Kleenex he always has in plentiful supply...he was just there. It seemed like almost anytime that day that I felt myself start to come apart, he was nearby to squeeze my shoulder or offer more Kleenex to get me through that particular rough patch. The following weekend, Patty told me he was interested in me, and suggested I get to know him. It felt really rushed to me, and I was understandably leery of going from a breakup right into something new, but I didn't outright dismiss the idea. I wasn't ready by a long shot, but I didn't reject the idea completely.
And looking back now, I'm glad I didn't. To this day, I still don't know what made me rummage through my things looking for his phone number. I don't know what made me make that first call and start talking with him. I just know I did, and nothing that's gone on since would have happened if I hadn't done so. Even before that I was softening a bit in my view of him, I just didn't want to admit it to myself for fear of winding up back at square one again. I guess I was still a bit shellshocked after what happened the prior year.
Wow, I must be tired. I'm rambling. I really need to get to the point so I can sleep.
Now, I won't argue with the faults people see in him. Trust me, I see them as well as anyone. But I accept them as part of who he is. I don't sugarcoat them, or really even like them all that much; truth be told, they annoy me probably as much as they do anyone else. But they're part of him, part of the package that makes him who he is, just as my own faults shape who I am. I don't have to like them, but changing them means changing what fundamentally makes him who he is. And I don't want that.
I love him. And not in that sappy sweet puppy-love sort of way. Not anymore. I respect him a great deal as a person (even if I tend to tease him here and there), and I accept him, flaws, shortcomings and all. There are still so many things he has to learn about himself, but I don't mind at all. I wouldn't have him any other way than how he is. I want to be there when he succeeds, I want to help him reach that point, no matter where he ends up. I love how he always finds a way to make me smile, even when I feel like I forgot how to. I love that he's willing to put his own comfort aside to make me happy, even when it involves driving long distances or helping me in other ways. I love how he's been willing to drive almost three hours in the past in order to spend a day with me before making the same drive back. I love how he helps me, even if he tends to panic me in the process from time to time. I love his honesty, even when I could smack him for using it in selfish ways (Friends with Benefits, anyone?) I love how gentle he is with me, making me feel special in some small way. I love that he encourages me to be independent, to not solely rely on him for everything. I love that he wants me to succeed for my own reasons, as opposed to his. I love that he tries to include me, even if I don't particularly always want to be included, or I worry I won't belong. I really could go on and on, but I think that all gives a good idea.
I love who he is and what he is. His gentleness, his goofiness, his geekiness, his kindness...all of it. I don't want him to drastically change, because then he won't be who I fell for. I don't mind if he adapts here and there, as I'll adapt with him. I love him, I want to take care of him, I want him to succeed, I want to help him succeed...all of that and more. Even if he doesn't feel as strongly for me, I don't mind. I just want to stay with him, to continue loving and supporting him no matter what.
In the end, I only can hope the same might be said of me someday. Yet I don't know....
When I first saw Justin, I acknowledged him, but not much else. At the time, he was the new guy who was brought into the Guild to be the Queen's drummer. I thought he seemed interesting, but my mind was on Tom and the life he was promising we were going to build together. I really didn't have the time or energy to think about a newcomer beyond the superficial. He seemed like a pretty good guy, but not someone for me.
Then, things fell apart with Tom, and I got that damned breakup letter just before the following Spring faire. Abruptly, I had to learn to live without someone who has promised me for years that I was the one for him. I had to dream for myself, instead of dreaming for us, because there wasn't an 'us' anymore. He was able to walk away easily (at least, that's how it appeared. It's hard to say how easily he actually walked away), while I had to heal and go on without knowing why I was left behind. So what would have been our first Faire together was my first Faire 'alone'. I'd already broken down once that first morning when telling friends about the breakup, and going backstage at Glade I did so again. I don't specifically remember what was said, but I remember how Justin was there. He was there with a hug, he was there with that ubiquitous Kleenex he always has in plentiful supply...he was just there. It seemed like almost anytime that day that I felt myself start to come apart, he was nearby to squeeze my shoulder or offer more Kleenex to get me through that particular rough patch. The following weekend, Patty told me he was interested in me, and suggested I get to know him. It felt really rushed to me, and I was understandably leery of going from a breakup right into something new, but I didn't outright dismiss the idea. I wasn't ready by a long shot, but I didn't reject the idea completely.
And looking back now, I'm glad I didn't. To this day, I still don't know what made me rummage through my things looking for his phone number. I don't know what made me make that first call and start talking with him. I just know I did, and nothing that's gone on since would have happened if I hadn't done so. Even before that I was softening a bit in my view of him, I just didn't want to admit it to myself for fear of winding up back at square one again. I guess I was still a bit shellshocked after what happened the prior year.
Wow, I must be tired. I'm rambling. I really need to get to the point so I can sleep.
Now, I won't argue with the faults people see in him. Trust me, I see them as well as anyone. But I accept them as part of who he is. I don't sugarcoat them, or really even like them all that much; truth be told, they annoy me probably as much as they do anyone else. But they're part of him, part of the package that makes him who he is, just as my own faults shape who I am. I don't have to like them, but changing them means changing what fundamentally makes him who he is. And I don't want that.
I love him. And not in that sappy sweet puppy-love sort of way. Not anymore. I respect him a great deal as a person (even if I tend to tease him here and there), and I accept him, flaws, shortcomings and all. There are still so many things he has to learn about himself, but I don't mind at all. I wouldn't have him any other way than how he is. I want to be there when he succeeds, I want to help him reach that point, no matter where he ends up. I love how he always finds a way to make me smile, even when I feel like I forgot how to. I love that he's willing to put his own comfort aside to make me happy, even when it involves driving long distances or helping me in other ways. I love how he's been willing to drive almost three hours in the past in order to spend a day with me before making the same drive back. I love how he helps me, even if he tends to panic me in the process from time to time. I love his honesty, even when I could smack him for using it in selfish ways (Friends with Benefits, anyone?) I love how gentle he is with me, making me feel special in some small way. I love that he encourages me to be independent, to not solely rely on him for everything. I love that he wants me to succeed for my own reasons, as opposed to his. I love that he tries to include me, even if I don't particularly always want to be included, or I worry I won't belong. I really could go on and on, but I think that all gives a good idea.
I love who he is and what he is. His gentleness, his goofiness, his geekiness, his kindness...all of it. I don't want him to drastically change, because then he won't be who I fell for. I don't mind if he adapts here and there, as I'll adapt with him. I love him, I want to take care of him, I want him to succeed, I want to help him succeed...all of that and more. Even if he doesn't feel as strongly for me, I don't mind. I just want to stay with him, to continue loving and supporting him no matter what.
In the end, I only can hope the same might be said of me someday. Yet I don't know....
Freewrite 4/2: Normal
As far as learning goes, I'm more on the book-smart side. Give me something intellectual and academic and I'll learn as much about it as I can, then bore you with the details. It's why school has always been a double-edged sword for me; I learn quickly, but find the busywork tedious and counter-productive even when it's seen as 'necessary'. It's a fact that Mom always trotted out when she felt she needed to, to remind me of the fact for some odd reason.
But me? I'd have traded the book-smarts away a long time ago for the chance to have been more normal. One thing I always wished as an adolescent (then as a teenager) was the chance to be like others my age. I wanted the chance to be as normal a girl as possible, I wanted to date, to be into fashion...all of it. But I was often steered away from it, told I had 'more important things' than thinking about boys, or being a silly teen, or whatever other mischief I could get into. I may have been steered away from much of it, but that didn't mean I didn't indulge in it to some extent or other. My parents didn't like it -especially Mom- and they often kept steering me away from it, as did my sister. I wasn't fitting into their perception of what I should be, and I was odd in their eyes for that reason.
Trust me, I could sense it then. And I can still feel it now from time to time. It's one thing I currently love about Justin and how he makes me feel. He humanizes me, makes me feel I'm more than my intellect. I can be softer around him (to an extent) without worrying I'll be called out for being 'too soft'. I don't have to hide behind my smarts, I can show more of myself.
But me? I'd have traded the book-smarts away a long time ago for the chance to have been more normal. One thing I always wished as an adolescent (then as a teenager) was the chance to be like others my age. I wanted the chance to be as normal a girl as possible, I wanted to date, to be into fashion...all of it. But I was often steered away from it, told I had 'more important things' than thinking about boys, or being a silly teen, or whatever other mischief I could get into. I may have been steered away from much of it, but that didn't mean I didn't indulge in it to some extent or other. My parents didn't like it -especially Mom- and they often kept steering me away from it, as did my sister. I wasn't fitting into their perception of what I should be, and I was odd in their eyes for that reason.
Trust me, I could sense it then. And I can still feel it now from time to time. It's one thing I currently love about Justin and how he makes me feel. He humanizes me, makes me feel I'm more than my intellect. I can be softer around him (to an extent) without worrying I'll be called out for being 'too soft'. I don't have to hide behind my smarts, I can show more of myself.
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