So, after playing the 'good daughter' and calling my mother for Mother's Day, I've come to a conclusion.
I really don't think I want to talk with her again for a while. At the very worst, a part of me isn't sure it wants anything to do with her.
It hurts to think about, really. She still has this idea in her head that I'd thought moving out would equal 'fun'. She actually asked me that when we were talking. She asked me if living on my own was still as 'fun' as I'd thought it would be. I had never said or hinted at anything that would indicate I thought of it in that manner. I always knew it would be work; true, I didn't know how much work it might entail, but I knew it would involve work. It's not like I sit up here partying and doing nothing with my life whatsoever (and no, that isn't part of my plan). Are portions of it fun? To a degree, yes. I get equal parts peace and enjoyment out of being on my own and away from them. Do I expect 24/7/365 fun? Um, even I'm not that delusional, thanks.
In talking about my upcoming move to Buena Park, she didn't have a lot of positive to say about my decision making. She kept questioning me about if the people I'll be renting from are trustworthy (yes), and questioning how I'd be safe on buses and en route to and from destinations if/when I get a bike to get me places. Seriously, I'm not asking for the moon here, a little faith from her would be rather beneficial. If she really taught me as she should have, she should sit back and let me figure out the world for myself, not question every move like a spectator at a chess match. I am not a pawn to be moved on a board, I am a person, thanks. My purpose here is not to be moved and to have those moves questioned (no matter how small and/or innocuous), it's to move myself and learn how to move more effectively.
It's hard. I've always been considered 'her' daughter, mainly by virtue of appearance. I literally resemble her to the point where people remark we could almost be twins were we the same age. I may look like her, but that doesn't make me her. If she wants to question my decisions and not show me the faith I feel she can show me, then screw it. I don't need to talk with her -in fact, I get a bit upset most times when I do- so maybe cutting her off for a while will help. She last heard from me back about this time in March, so maybe a few more months will help me out some.
Damn, what I wouldn't give to curl up with Justin and talk about random odds and ends -geeky or otherwise- so I don't have to think about her. At least I'm calmer than I was earlier, when a stray thought of somehow changing my appearance so I didn't resemble her so strongly came to mind. And no, I won't share what that stray thought included, as I prefer keeping this relatively horror-free. I need to keep pushing ahead, but it's hard at times when it feels like the person you want to have the most faith in you -and by extension in what she was supposed to teach you- really doesn't.
I admit, I just don't know what to do at this point. I hate cutting her out again, but what else am I supposed to do to keep my own sanity intact?
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