Okay, I've been really bad about updating this. That tends to happen when you go three weeks without your own internet, work allows only minimal 'Net access, and it's hard to find time to get to the nearest Library. But I have an awesome housemate who lets me use his internet as much as I like (and when I asked if he wanted me to reimburse him for the usage, he declined), so here I am again.
And not a moment too soon, based on how I'm feeling as of recently. Part of my sensitivity may be hormones, much of it isn't. I've reached out to others, now it's time to put it up here as well.
And yes, the ventage is about Justin. I don't care if this makes him unhappy or anything else. It's been too long held in.
In short, I am so very tired of feeling like I can't win with this guy. If everyone remembers back in February, he was complaining about not seeing me enough, about how he felt like I was a girlfriend 'in name only' how we should be Friends With Benefits...all that garbage. Apparently, I've since gone too far the other way (especially since moving down here to Fullerton) and now he's been complaining again, only this time that I always want to talk to him, that my wishful thinking shows I can't function without him, so on, so forth. He tells me to go out and meet people so he's not my 'sole' emotional support and all that nonsense. He's also essentially thrown a fit, telling me how 'unhappy' he is, how 'he doesn't feel the same way' anymore, and all that shit. Any attempt I've made to talk with him is met with him being passive-aggressive and trying to pin things wholly on me. ('I tried using my words. You don't listen.' Um, no, you threw a temper tantrum when you KNOW damn well that I don't give into tantrums. Dumbass.)
So I'm at a bit of a crossroads here. I'm trying to make improvements in my life that will make things easier for me, but his attitude is taking an emotional toll on me. I love the guy dearly, and I expect a great deal from him, as anyone else in his life will. (Seriously, if we did break up, what makes him think any other girl would put up with his behavior any better than I have? He'd be back at Square One again in no time.) I've always been taught that you should fight for something if you want it badly enough, and as such I don't plan on giving up on him until he shows me definitively that he's beyond hope.
What do I expect from him? Simple. I expect him to treat me with courtesy and respect, to not talk down to me, treat me like a child, or act like he knows better than I do how to run things in my life.
I expect that he talk with me when he feels there's an issue, so we can work together and try to find a middle ground we're both at least okay with. In a similar vein, I expect that he do so without resorting to throwing a grown-up equivalent of a temper tantrum.
I expect that, if an invitation from him must be rescinded, it be rescinded with a sincere apology and at least a query about spending time together in the near-future, without any false 'I'm sorry you're upset, but you have to accept...' crap. (Yes, he has used that line on me before, almost to the letter.)
I expect to be able to wish he could join me for things I'm doing (or here and there wishing to join him at events he's partaking in), without him getting pissy at me for wishing.
I expect to be able to turn to him for at least some emotional support, though certainly not ALL the support I need. If he feels overwhelmed, or that he can't help me, then he needs to tell me such in a courteous manner.
I expect to not be told for the millionth time that he 'doesn't see us getting married', even though I have NEVER brought up the subject with him, asides from telling him I'm not ready for it myself.
In short, I am to be treated with the courtesy and respect that I deserve, no matter what he thinks my perceived 'affronts' to his delicate ego are. It's the same way in which I regard him, after all. I may have my flaws, my shortcomings, and so on, but I wouldn't be me without them. As such, I will be DAMNED if I let some guy make me feel like shit for merely being human and being in transition in my life. After all, it isn't as though he's any more perfect than I am; if anything I'm better off since at least my issues don't piss off 2/3 of the people around me.
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