I'll say it. I really hope Justin appreciates his family and their interest and support of him. I'm not saying that to be nasty, or sarcastic. I really do hope that every time he goes and sees them -regardless of the reason- that he really appreciates the privilege that he has.
In this morning's bout of insomnia, I thought about how incredibly cheated I feel as I start finalizing my CSUN gear-up. I thought about how so many people get support from their families as they move to a new school, starting something this new and exciting, and I don't have that. My parents can't be bothered to give more than the most cursory care about things, no matter how positive they are for me, and I doubt my sister is much better in that regard. And you know what? I'm far from the only one who is in a boat like this, who has had to climb out of their own personal hell, and has the broken nails to prove we clawed our way out.
I honestly feel incredibly scarred by the psychological wounds I've had to carry. I've been belittled, had my sense of self chiseled at, threatened, called names...I really could go on and on. I've had to carry those secrets internally, because I was told that a) no one would believe me, and b) I would lose all security (roof over my head and so on) if I said anything. Making that anecdote worse? I was threatened with the latter when I was sixteen years old. You read that right. I was psychologically forced through the wringer, then told I would be kicked out at sixteen if I said anything to anyone. More recently, I had to stand there the evening of December 21st and hear my own dad call me 'street person' to my face, and suggest I no longer deserved to sleep in a bed (he told me I was going to sleep in the garage). Making things worse, Mom's only response was to tell him I couldn't sleep in the garage because it was cold and stormy that night. No attitude of 'how could you say something like that to your own child'. That, coupled with my sister's hemming and hawing about letting me stay with her, cut that much deeper. And again, I know I'm far from the only one who has had to deal with circumstances like these, and others who have dealt with worse.
And that is the danger in privilege. It's the wool people pull over their eyes so they can deny problems around them. Justin is no exception. He uses his privilege as an excuse to look down on me for my purported 'issues', all the while refusing to deal with his own real issues. I don't care what justifications he spews, he has been deteriorating over the past several months. So many of us can see it, but he won't see it and refuses to do anything about it. All the while, he treats me progressively worse and worse, and I'm sick of it. I do what I can to help him out, and I get silence in return. I find talent jobs for him, support him as much as I can, and only really ask he do the same for me, but I get none of the same in return. I think of things that I know he wants to see or experience, and I work to include him, and again get none of the same in return.
I think what saddens me the most is I can't save him from his own privilege. I can only shake my head and watch him flounder and bury himself deeper. He's the only one who can save himself.
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