I'll start this off with a bit of explanation about me.
Some of my traits lend themselves well to being both negative and positive. They're positive because they keep me focused and working hard, yet they're negative because other people often don't know how to respond to them. They also serve to remind others that I am a person with my own feelings and needs, that I won't lay down quietly and take bad treatment from others. Much of it is due to how I was treated in the past; my feelings and wants were disregarded, so now I redouble my efforts to make sure they're taken into consideration. Sadly, it also can mean that I tend to react more harshly when I feel others are pushing my buttons or treating me badly, no matter how innocuous their intentions. I have to be blunt: If I feel like I'm being disrespected or treated badly, I will very likely be triggered and I will very likely react accordingly. I hate that I'm currently wired like this, and I plan to work on trying to defuse those wires so I can react less extremely. CSUN has great resources for mental health/counseling that I plan to take advantage of now that I'm in an environment where I feel I belong and can thrive.
Justin, however, is still a sticking point that just doesn't seem to have an easy remedy. I'm not sure he fully realizes just how triggering a lot of his behavior is for me (at least, I hope he doesn't. I don't think I could handle it if he knew he was being triggering and behaved that way anyway). But the fact is, a lot of his behaviors push my 'trigger' buttons, then he throws it in my face that I 'have issues' that he can't deal with. Sadly, telling me I'm 'overreacting' does essentially nothing to help matters, and only will get me angrier. (Hey, YOU try reacting perfectly rationally when someone tells you you're overreacting when your buttons are pushed and you're upset.) I think the toughest part is when he knows I'm hurt, yet he refuses to show empathy. Even just saying 'sorry things are rough; hang in there, they'll get better' or some variant thereof can be a help. Or even just apologizing for something that was misconstrued. My parents wouldn't show much empathy when they hurt me, or they would show very shallow and false empathy but never change their behavior to prevent it from happening again.
I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt here. A lot of people don't always fully realize when they trigger someone, especially when that 'someone' has dealt with invisible trauma and is healing from it. My transitional period is over, and now I feel I can heal much more deeply than I could during the first 8 months. I don't get the feeling he's doing any of it maliciously, but more because he doesn't understand how better to handle things. I always ask him to be sensitive, but I don't think he knows how to do so without a bit of help. I really want to help him to help me, so to speak. I want to help him be able to navigate my moods and my touchy spots so as to make things easier on both of us, just as I've been trying to do for him.
Of course, as much as it pains me to have to do, I also have to acknowledge that he just might plain hate me. I'm used to that, dealing with it from my parents, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've told him if he hates me, it's no issue for me to disappear. I won't stay where I'm not wanted, and I'm good as disappearing from those sort of situations. I've wanted him to succeed, wanted to be supportive, wanted to see him succeed, and wanted him to see what a success I'll become. But if he hates me, then I can't do that. I genuinely miss his company, miss just spending quiet time with him, even if just watching a movie and talking. But I won't force myself into his company if he hates me. I miss him so much that I'm crying a bit as I write this, but I won't stay if he doesn't want me to.
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