In short, it's done. I hated to do it, but I had to. There really wasn't any better way to do it.
As I'd said in my last posting (and a fair few before that) Justin wasn't treating me with the respect I was promised. He always said he wouldn't abandon me, yet he essentially did just that. He stabbed me in the back, just as he backstabbed Vic and Jared. The worst part about it is that we all wanted to remain friends with him. We wanted him to succeed, wanted everything for him that a friend would want. But he is the only one who could do what was necessary, and he never really did.
I find all of this incredibly sad. I wanted him to succeed, wanted to support him in pursuing a goal that is extremely difficult to achieve. I know he can do it. But I also know my own emotional and mental state come first. He has repeatedly shown that he just doesn't care about anything that isn't related to him in some remote manner. He has shown that he can't even live up to his own words and promises, nor will he make any sort of attempt to do so. When he's called on it, he constantly tries to project blame onto the other party, claiming they're the ones with the issues, instead of being a man and owning up to his mistakes. I really could go on, but it would be redundant at kindest, so why bother rehashing them again?
Having been encouraged to by my good friends, I sent him a message officially cutting him off. I didn't do it to be hateful, or cruel, but so that he can get himself on track without bringing me down with him. I'll be starting at CSUN next month (already have my classes picked out! I'm excited!), and I can't let someone like him adversely affect my academic goals. I encouraged him to get the help that I know he knows he needs, even though he is averse to therapy. I also encouraged him to further his own acting potential by trying to go back and get an acting degree. I guess in spite of everything, I still want him to succeed and don't want him to flounder. Ball's in his court from here, lets see how he plays with it.
And who knows? If he can show me lasting courtesy and respect, if he can show he's actually improving, maybe he'll be back in my life again. Considering his track record to this point, I have to concur with my friend, Vic. He hasn't done so to this point, so chances are good he still won't follow through, he'll still want things done the 'easy' way. But I do still care for him, and all I can do is hope he actually does what he knows he must.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Freewrite 7/24: Excision
This has been a while coming. It's taken me a lot of thought, a lot of tears, a lot of everything these past few weeks. I really think a lot of this is what Vic went through a few months ago when she cut Justin out for good.
In short, he's getting exactly what he wants. He has shown just how much he hates me, just how much he wishes I weren't there, so I'm planning to no longer be there. He has shown no consideration for me, for my feelings, for anything pertaining to me that doesn't also jibe with his own selfish wants. He has been called out on his behavior several times, but he blows it off. I've watched him be lazy, waffle on his own wants and goals, and refuse to take any responsibility for his life and his choices.
I'm not saying 'good riddance' to him or anything of that sort. If I take this route, I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. But I can't focus on my future when he's being a horrible so-called 'friend'. He says he wants to be friends, but he makes it all about HIM and HIS schedules and HIS wants. He refuses to try to balance between his wants and needs and mine. Being friends is about compromise and balance between two parties, not stacked unnecessarily in favor of one party.
In short, if he really wants to have anything to do with me, then that's great and I'd be glad to have him as a part of my life when I'm entering a very exciting phase of it. Otherwise, I've come extremely close to wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. He won't change, he refuses to see that his actions are problematic, and I don't need that.
In short, he's getting exactly what he wants. He has shown just how much he hates me, just how much he wishes I weren't there, so I'm planning to no longer be there. He has shown no consideration for me, for my feelings, for anything pertaining to me that doesn't also jibe with his own selfish wants. He has been called out on his behavior several times, but he blows it off. I've watched him be lazy, waffle on his own wants and goals, and refuse to take any responsibility for his life and his choices.
I'm not saying 'good riddance' to him or anything of that sort. If I take this route, I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. But I can't focus on my future when he's being a horrible so-called 'friend'. He says he wants to be friends, but he makes it all about HIM and HIS schedules and HIS wants. He refuses to try to balance between his wants and needs and mine. Being friends is about compromise and balance between two parties, not stacked unnecessarily in favor of one party.
In short, if he really wants to have anything to do with me, then that's great and I'd be glad to have him as a part of my life when I'm entering a very exciting phase of it. Otherwise, I've come extremely close to wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. He won't change, he refuses to see that his actions are problematic, and I don't need that.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Freewrite 7/22: Secrets, Lies, and Manipulation
Okay, I've had enough of this. For all his whinging about my purported 'issues', Justin has far more than his own fair share of them. The worst part now is he tells Becky (in a manner that he seems to think is behind my back) that I'm manipulative. I kid you not. He essentially said that, because I grew up in a household where most of my needs were met, I can tend to want to manipulate things so I can get my way. (In case you hadn't already guessed, I'm still waiting for specific instances in which I've been manipulative any more than any other normal human being.) Becky confirmed to me that I'm as far from manipulative as anyone she might know, so I'm going to call BS on him.
His childish behavior is getting old very quickly. He wanted to remain friends, yet he continues to treat me like shit. He talks behind my back like a fucking high school student, but won't say anything to me directly about things. He whinges when he doesn't get his way, but won't let anyone else have their way from time to time. In short, he's an arrogant prick who really has little-to-no reason to be arrogant. It's all really pathetic.
I'll say it right here. The guy has far more issues than the petty few of mine he's so gleefully latched onto. His run much deeper and are more damaging to him than mine could ever be to me. I hate to play the tit-for-tat game, but once he actually makes an effort to help himself by getting the psychological help he needs, then I'll do the same for any of my own lingering troubles. The fact that he's too damn blind and arrogant to see what he's doing and how to fix himself leads me to have little confidence in that matter.
I guess in short, I'm tired. Tired of his arrogance, his attempts to degrade me, his insults, the backbiting he does in the hopes of winning sympathy from Becky (which he's losing based on how he's treating me)...I could go on. I'd hate to cut him out 150%, but he's starting to leave me no choice. I will say, once I start down that path, it won't be so easy to find me, nor will I be as sweet and gentle as I have been toward the person. I don't want to have to cut him off -especially since he swears he wants to remain friends- but why should I tolerate his shit when he throws a tantrum?
His delusions of grandeur and his manipulative arrogance really make me just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from him. But he still means a great deal to me, and right now I can't turn my back on him. Once he gets the help he so desperately needs, maybe things will be better. Until then, the arrogant prick (who is so different than he was when we first started dating) is running out of support from even me.
Speaking of manipulation, I'm just going to come out and say it. I feel as though I was lied to for an entire year. I feel like I can't trust anything Justin has told me, because he essentially lied to me for the year we were together. And that makes me so incredibly sad. He always treated me so well during the first year, now he's just an arrogant bastard. All the time she told me how he loved me, many of the ways he treated me...none of it makes sense. Jerk. What, am I supposed to be a porcelain doll with limited motion so he can mold me to his liking. I say 'Fuck. No."
Great, I need sleep.
His childish behavior is getting old very quickly. He wanted to remain friends, yet he continues to treat me like shit. He talks behind my back like a fucking high school student, but won't say anything to me directly about things. He whinges when he doesn't get his way, but won't let anyone else have their way from time to time. In short, he's an arrogant prick who really has little-to-no reason to be arrogant. It's all really pathetic.
I'll say it right here. The guy has far more issues than the petty few of mine he's so gleefully latched onto. His run much deeper and are more damaging to him than mine could ever be to me. I hate to play the tit-for-tat game, but once he actually makes an effort to help himself by getting the psychological help he needs, then I'll do the same for any of my own lingering troubles. The fact that he's too damn blind and arrogant to see what he's doing and how to fix himself leads me to have little confidence in that matter.
I guess in short, I'm tired. Tired of his arrogance, his attempts to degrade me, his insults, the backbiting he does in the hopes of winning sympathy from Becky (which he's losing based on how he's treating me)...I could go on. I'd hate to cut him out 150%, but he's starting to leave me no choice. I will say, once I start down that path, it won't be so easy to find me, nor will I be as sweet and gentle as I have been toward the person. I don't want to have to cut him off -especially since he swears he wants to remain friends- but why should I tolerate his shit when he throws a tantrum?
His delusions of grandeur and his manipulative arrogance really make me just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from him. But he still means a great deal to me, and right now I can't turn my back on him. Once he gets the help he so desperately needs, maybe things will be better. Until then, the arrogant prick (who is so different than he was when we first started dating) is running out of support from even me.
Speaking of manipulation, I'm just going to come out and say it. I feel as though I was lied to for an entire year. I feel like I can't trust anything Justin has told me, because he essentially lied to me for the year we were together. And that makes me so incredibly sad. He always treated me so well during the first year, now he's just an arrogant bastard. All the time she told me how he loved me, many of the ways he treated me...none of it makes sense. Jerk. What, am I supposed to be a porcelain doll with limited motion so he can mold me to his liking. I say 'Fuck. No."
Great, I need sleep.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Freewrite 7/13: Edge
So things have been...interesting, to say the least. But Becky and I are on the same page here.
We both wanted to be friends with Justin. But now, after she and I have been talking extensively, we're in agreement. He has been incredibly disrespectful toward both of us recently, and he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. In short, he acts as though we're here to fulfill his needs, without his feeling he has to do the same for us. Last time I checked, we girls aren't objects. We're individuals with emotions and needs of our own, and we're sick of the lack of respect he regards us with.
He tells me that I'm 'irrational', that I have 'issues'. He does anything in his power to hurt me, then pawns me off on Becky while telling her that I'm 'her problem' because we're best friends. He even once told her (quoted practically verbatim) that he 'hates to play this card, but she's your friend', never mind that I was supposed to be his friend as well. He refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior, acting instead as though he's totally innocent. He says he resents me for my 'issues', but refuses to give me the time I need to find the security I need in order to keep them from becoming troublesome. (I've mentioned in this space before that my past traumas and other issues are exacerbated by a lack of security. Once I'm going 150% in the right direction, they won't affect me quite as much.) He wouldn't even be supportive when I needed a friendly ear for a few minutes after my last chitchat with Mom. Even though he's been told not to do it, he continues to try hitting on Becky, even when I'm right there in his company. When called on it, he shrugs it off and says he doesn't care, since I'm 'no longer his problem'. He shows bare bits of emotion to me when he really wants something, but he refuses to be there for me in any capacity that would resemble the 'friendship' he told me he wanted. To make things that much worse (and more insulting), he insists up one side and down the other that he remains on 'good terms' with all of his ex-girlfriends. If that really is the case, then why is he treating me like shit? Does he really care that little, or is he just lying through his teeth so he's not painted as the 'bad guy' in all of this? Last time I checked, I didn't lose my right to courtesy the moment he threw his little tantrums and insisted he was 'done'.
As for Becky, he pretty much treats her as though she's some sort of prize to be caught (as per my prior remark about his hitting on her). He doesn't act as though she has any other feelings beyond that, or that she should receive anything other than cursory attention. She's been sidelined for a few days now with a sprained ankle, and he's barely even acknowledged it, let alone told her he hopes it gets better soon or some other jazz. All of his actions make her essentially feel used, which she appreciates (as in abhors) because they dredge up all sorts of painful memories for her.
So in short Justin, thanks for being a selfish douchebag. Thanks for alienating two people who truly care about you and don't want to cut you out of their lives completely. I literally am about thisclose to cutting him 100% out of my life and never so much as letting him breathe on me again, and I'm pretty sure Becky feels the same way. He is a selfish, disrespectful asshole who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior, and we refuse to be the subjects of his disrespect. We are NOT his playthings to be used and tossed out on a whim, we deserve all the courtesy and respect in the world, simply because we're human beings. If he wants those, he needs to buy himself a few more Megatron figures for his collection. But he has NO right to treat us like garbage, and honestly, we won't even consider keeping up any sort of relationship with him (asides from an EXTREMELY cursory one at Faire/Guild events) if he won't grow the fuck up and realize that.
We both wanted to be friends with Justin. But now, after she and I have been talking extensively, we're in agreement. He has been incredibly disrespectful toward both of us recently, and he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. In short, he acts as though we're here to fulfill his needs, without his feeling he has to do the same for us. Last time I checked, we girls aren't objects. We're individuals with emotions and needs of our own, and we're sick of the lack of respect he regards us with.
He tells me that I'm 'irrational', that I have 'issues'. He does anything in his power to hurt me, then pawns me off on Becky while telling her that I'm 'her problem' because we're best friends. He even once told her (quoted practically verbatim) that he 'hates to play this card, but she's your friend', never mind that I was supposed to be his friend as well. He refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior, acting instead as though he's totally innocent. He says he resents me for my 'issues', but refuses to give me the time I need to find the security I need in order to keep them from becoming troublesome. (I've mentioned in this space before that my past traumas and other issues are exacerbated by a lack of security. Once I'm going 150% in the right direction, they won't affect me quite as much.) He wouldn't even be supportive when I needed a friendly ear for a few minutes after my last chitchat with Mom. Even though he's been told not to do it, he continues to try hitting on Becky, even when I'm right there in his company. When called on it, he shrugs it off and says he doesn't care, since I'm 'no longer his problem'. He shows bare bits of emotion to me when he really wants something, but he refuses to be there for me in any capacity that would resemble the 'friendship' he told me he wanted. To make things that much worse (and more insulting), he insists up one side and down the other that he remains on 'good terms' with all of his ex-girlfriends. If that really is the case, then why is he treating me like shit? Does he really care that little, or is he just lying through his teeth so he's not painted as the 'bad guy' in all of this? Last time I checked, I didn't lose my right to courtesy the moment he threw his little tantrums and insisted he was 'done'.
As for Becky, he pretty much treats her as though she's some sort of prize to be caught (as per my prior remark about his hitting on her). He doesn't act as though she has any other feelings beyond that, or that she should receive anything other than cursory attention. She's been sidelined for a few days now with a sprained ankle, and he's barely even acknowledged it, let alone told her he hopes it gets better soon or some other jazz. All of his actions make her essentially feel used, which she appreciates (as in abhors) because they dredge up all sorts of painful memories for her.
So in short Justin, thanks for being a selfish douchebag. Thanks for alienating two people who truly care about you and don't want to cut you out of their lives completely. I literally am about thisclose to cutting him 100% out of my life and never so much as letting him breathe on me again, and I'm pretty sure Becky feels the same way. He is a selfish, disrespectful asshole who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior, and we refuse to be the subjects of his disrespect. We are NOT his playthings to be used and tossed out on a whim, we deserve all the courtesy and respect in the world, simply because we're human beings. If he wants those, he needs to buy himself a few more Megatron figures for his collection. But he has NO right to treat us like garbage, and honestly, we won't even consider keeping up any sort of relationship with him (asides from an EXTREMELY cursory one at Faire/Guild events) if he won't grow the fuck up and realize that.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Freewrite 7/10: One Last Nail
I think it's official. In some ways, it hurts a little to have to say all of this, but I feel like it needs saying. I feel like I need to say it in order to move forward, in a way.
I decided to talk to my mother. Might not have been the greatest idea, but I wanted to tell her about my plans for CSUN and other updates on my life. While I wasn't expecting her to be gushing and happy for me, it would have been nice to hear some kind of support from her. The result? The verbal equivalent of a shrug and a 'that's fine'. That was the limit of my support from her, even after telling her about financial aid and everything else I was doing to make it. For someone who always valued an education, she really didn't seem to like what I was doing in terms of my education.
I don't want to give up on all of this, but at the same time I don't know what to do emotion-wise. It hurts more than I can say to have so very little support from her over something so important. All I can really do is hang onto the people who are currently the closest to me and get through this.
What makes this suck even more is how it makes me second-guess if I even want to go back to San Diego to visit at all. Faire is different, but I'd thought about going back and seeing them. Now, I feel like I just got cut off from a big part of my life that I loved, and I resent it.
I decided to talk to my mother. Might not have been the greatest idea, but I wanted to tell her about my plans for CSUN and other updates on my life. While I wasn't expecting her to be gushing and happy for me, it would have been nice to hear some kind of support from her. The result? The verbal equivalent of a shrug and a 'that's fine'. That was the limit of my support from her, even after telling her about financial aid and everything else I was doing to make it. For someone who always valued an education, she really didn't seem to like what I was doing in terms of my education.
I don't want to give up on all of this, but at the same time I don't know what to do emotion-wise. It hurts more than I can say to have so very little support from her over something so important. All I can really do is hang onto the people who are currently the closest to me and get through this.
What makes this suck even more is how it makes me second-guess if I even want to go back to San Diego to visit at all. Faire is different, but I'd thought about going back and seeing them. Now, I feel like I just got cut off from a big part of my life that I loved, and I resent it.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Freewrite 7/5: Consideration and Courtesy
Y'know, the last time I checked I didn't turn in my 'right to be treated with respect' card.
And yet it seems Justin refuses to get that. He was spouting off at me about how he didn't want to have to deal with my 'traumas' and my 'issues', and how that was keeping him from being truly considerate of me.
Fuck. That. Noise.
No, seriously, fuck it. That is such utter garbage. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated like a human being. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated with the respect and courtesy that I deserve. Do I have traumas to face and issues to deal with? Sure, who doesn't? Even he has issues and troubles he has to confront.
See, here's the thing. And I've tried to explain this to Justin, but he refuses to see it. The majority of the 'trauma' I deal with is security-based in nature. I literally had days when I would be afraid to say something that might be taken as out of line, lest I be told to leave. And don't get me into a lot of the physical threats, both promised and carried out, that I had to live with. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it happened. It happened enough to erode my security, my trust in others, and everything else emotionally that mattered to me. More recently, my current landlord and his douchebag behavior aren't helping, and while I do have a place to go, the extra stress dealing with him has been causing certainly hasn't helped. Also not helping? Justin sitting up on his high horse condescendingly telling me how my 'issues' affect him to where he resents me. Asshole.
Also, Justin is hardly innocent of having issues and faults of his own. There have been times when I've gotten upset to the point of crying when I don't know what's going on with him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, yet between his OCD and his other faults he can make it next to impossible.
So here and now, I'm going to say what I plan to do from here. I'm much stronger than I was 6-7 months ago, but now it's time to work on galvanizing myself, as it were. No more focusing on my purported 'issues' and 'traumas', and certainly no more sharing them with that idiot. Any work that might need to be done (which really there isn't all that much at this point. Just some fine tuning) will be done on my own, with little to no word to him unless utterly necessary. Let's see how things go from here. I think it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
And yet it seems Justin refuses to get that. He was spouting off at me about how he didn't want to have to deal with my 'traumas' and my 'issues', and how that was keeping him from being truly considerate of me.
Fuck. That. Noise.
No, seriously, fuck it. That is such utter garbage. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated like a human being. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated with the respect and courtesy that I deserve. Do I have traumas to face and issues to deal with? Sure, who doesn't? Even he has issues and troubles he has to confront.
See, here's the thing. And I've tried to explain this to Justin, but he refuses to see it. The majority of the 'trauma' I deal with is security-based in nature. I literally had days when I would be afraid to say something that might be taken as out of line, lest I be told to leave. And don't get me into a lot of the physical threats, both promised and carried out, that I had to live with. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it happened. It happened enough to erode my security, my trust in others, and everything else emotionally that mattered to me. More recently, my current landlord and his douchebag behavior aren't helping, and while I do have a place to go, the extra stress dealing with him has been causing certainly hasn't helped. Also not helping? Justin sitting up on his high horse condescendingly telling me how my 'issues' affect him to where he resents me. Asshole.
Also, Justin is hardly innocent of having issues and faults of his own. There have been times when I've gotten upset to the point of crying when I don't know what's going on with him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, yet between his OCD and his other faults he can make it next to impossible.
So here and now, I'm going to say what I plan to do from here. I'm much stronger than I was 6-7 months ago, but now it's time to work on galvanizing myself, as it were. No more focusing on my purported 'issues' and 'traumas', and certainly no more sharing them with that idiot. Any work that might need to be done (which really there isn't all that much at this point. Just some fine tuning) will be done on my own, with little to no word to him unless utterly necessary. Let's see how things go from here. I think it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
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