I was pondering this as I travelled to school this morning. From my current location, the only feasible way for me to make my Wednesday morning class on time is to take the Metrolink. It's a nice way to travel, don't get me wrong. Hell, I'd stretch things a bit and say it's my favorite way to travel. You just have to get used to the schedule.
This morning, I was thinking as I changed trains in Union Station. I noticed that I tend to get a bit wistful as I take the trains to/from school (or wherever else I might need to take it). It's a strange habit that I tend to do unconsciously. I know why it is, but it doesn't make it any less bothersome when it comes up. I guess I've missed those times when I'd travel up from San Diego to see Justin for a weekend a month or so. I miss him from time to time as well, miss what we used to really share and talk about. If things turn out the way I'm hoping they will in the next few weeks or so, I'll have even more reason to miss him, at least for the interim. But we shall see.
Short posting today. I have other things on my mind, but it's too soon to say anything about them, lest I jinx things.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Freewrite 3/29: What I need
I was asked a while back what I feel I need from Justin. At the time, I was so busy worrying about settling myself that I really didn't have a straight answer to give. But now, I think I do. (This may be added to at a later time this morning, due to time constraints.)
The biggest thing I feel he needs to work on with me is communicating. I know, I know. It's the same thing he's said I need to work on with him, but it's true. He has just as much issue (if not more) with communicating things to me as I do with him. The biggest things I take issue with are the lacking communication and the timing of talking with me, as it were.
The former is rather frustrating to deal with. I'll ask him a question, and he won't answer. I'll talk to him about something, he'll give a vague 'we'll see' and I never hear about it again. A bit more openness would help a lot here, for lack of a better way of putting it.
The latter gets extremely frustrating as well. As you've likely seen me vent in here, he will tend to literally leave communicating about things until the last minute, when I keep having to prod him about them. Only when I prod enough do I get an answer, and it often winds up annoying both of us in the process. I can't read his mind, I can't know what he's really wanting/thinking unless he actually steps up and tells me. I know he doesn't really plan things in advance or anything of that sort, but working with me to make sure we're both on the same page would be somewhat helpful.
Of course, there might be one or two other things. But I don't have time right now to get into them. They'll have to wait until next time.
The biggest thing I feel he needs to work on with me is communicating. I know, I know. It's the same thing he's said I need to work on with him, but it's true. He has just as much issue (if not more) with communicating things to me as I do with him. The biggest things I take issue with are the lacking communication and the timing of talking with me, as it were.
The former is rather frustrating to deal with. I'll ask him a question, and he won't answer. I'll talk to him about something, he'll give a vague 'we'll see' and I never hear about it again. A bit more openness would help a lot here, for lack of a better way of putting it.
The latter gets extremely frustrating as well. As you've likely seen me vent in here, he will tend to literally leave communicating about things until the last minute, when I keep having to prod him about them. Only when I prod enough do I get an answer, and it often winds up annoying both of us in the process. I can't read his mind, I can't know what he's really wanting/thinking unless he actually steps up and tells me. I know he doesn't really plan things in advance or anything of that sort, but working with me to make sure we're both on the same page would be somewhat helpful.
Of course, there might be one or two other things. But I don't have time right now to get into them. They'll have to wait until next time.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Freewrite 3/28 2/2: Potential Hope
I hate to get my hopes up too high, but I figured it was worth writing this all down. It seems Justin actually is taking a lot of my prior venting to heart (at least on the surface he is). He's started actually talking about planning for the podcast and such more openly, instead of keeping me in the dark about things. While I'm still likely not going to be of much contribution at this point, at least it's something. And at least I feel more included, instead of being shut out until a week or so before, as I was this last weekend. I made sure to let him know that I appreciated his doing so.
Victoria apologized if she and Jared made me feel shut out. But they really didn't. She explained that they really didn't want to risk aggravating things between Justin and me, since they knew about the troubles he and I seemed to be having. I don't blame them in the least for anything; personally, I'd rather he take responsibility for his actions. I really don't care how noble he thought he was being, he took entirely the wrong approach, and he got called on it severely. It would have been one thing for me to decline an event due to prior responsibilities, but to not even be told about it at all, to find out when it's posted as an event on Facebook...it's a bit hard to process. I have free will for a reason, and I'd like the chance to use it, thanks.
From here, I don't know. I've intentionally not kept up with the podcast since I felt so unwelcome about possibly contributing to it. I'll see how I feel with time, and I might listen to it and start contributing to topics here and there. I think there's still a mild sour taste left with how he handled it all, nothing more.
Victoria apologized if she and Jared made me feel shut out. But they really didn't. She explained that they really didn't want to risk aggravating things between Justin and me, since they knew about the troubles he and I seemed to be having. I don't blame them in the least for anything; personally, I'd rather he take responsibility for his actions. I really don't care how noble he thought he was being, he took entirely the wrong approach, and he got called on it severely. It would have been one thing for me to decline an event due to prior responsibilities, but to not even be told about it at all, to find out when it's posted as an event on Facebook...it's a bit hard to process. I have free will for a reason, and I'd like the chance to use it, thanks.
From here, I don't know. I've intentionally not kept up with the podcast since I felt so unwelcome about possibly contributing to it. I'll see how I feel with time, and I might listen to it and start contributing to topics here and there. I think there's still a mild sour taste left with how he handled it all, nothing more.
Morning freewrite 3/28: More wishing
As promised, that morning writing that I said I'd hammer out once I got some sleep and became more lucid (even slightly).
So yes. My venting blog post from last night got his attention. To be honest, I'm not even sure why all that still was bothering me. I'd gone through the same things a couple weeks back, worked through them, and essentially thought that was that. Apparently it wasn't, as all that crap rebounded in a rather annoying manner. Still, between writing it all out and firing up my 360 to kill things, I felt better.
I do feel bad that I triggered him so badly, that really wasn't my intention. Granted, he did have that anime convention he went to, and I'm sure his being tired after the weekend didn't help things on his end very much. But I'd meant it to let things out, not upset him. Still, it ended up being something constructive, as he shared a bit more with me about him. He admitted he didn't want me totally out of his life, but that he didn't know what he wanted from me, from us, or even from himself. Honestly, it's not an incredibly huge surprise to hear that from him; I've had a feeling along those lines for some time. I reminded him that we're both still learning in all this, and we need to be patient and to help one another.
He talked about how he didn't really feel he needed my support, and how he didn't want to share too much for fear of burdening me with his troubles. Honestly, I love the guy beyond all sense, but he can be an idiot. Of course he needs my support, just as he needs support from anyone. No man is an island, no matter how much he might say otherwise. He can't do everything on his own, and the thought of him trying is rather difficult to accept. It's not going to hurt him to lean on people a little bit more, none of us who truly care for him will mind at all. I know I wouldn't.
And seriously, he would not be a burden to me if he shared more of his thoughts or his feelings. Will I completely, totally, 150% understand everything? Probably not, but then he doesn't always understand things about me either. Would it be helpful to him to share more with me? I think so, even if he doesn't agree. Would he be a burden? Hell. No. To put things in perspective, I am a Chiropractor's daughter for starters, meaning I've seen and heard from people about their lives for as long as I can remember. I've also had over two years direct patient care experience in a hospital setting, and now I'm starting in an industry where people come in at their worst, emotion-wise. Trust me, he would never be a burden on me. I would sit and listen, offer input where I could...whatever I needed to do to let him vent. Then I'd go about my day. That's that.
But in the end, methinks much of this is rather moot. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do; he has to make that decision for himself. So we shall see.
So yes. My venting blog post from last night got his attention. To be honest, I'm not even sure why all that still was bothering me. I'd gone through the same things a couple weeks back, worked through them, and essentially thought that was that. Apparently it wasn't, as all that crap rebounded in a rather annoying manner. Still, between writing it all out and firing up my 360 to kill things, I felt better.
I do feel bad that I triggered him so badly, that really wasn't my intention. Granted, he did have that anime convention he went to, and I'm sure his being tired after the weekend didn't help things on his end very much. But I'd meant it to let things out, not upset him. Still, it ended up being something constructive, as he shared a bit more with me about him. He admitted he didn't want me totally out of his life, but that he didn't know what he wanted from me, from us, or even from himself. Honestly, it's not an incredibly huge surprise to hear that from him; I've had a feeling along those lines for some time. I reminded him that we're both still learning in all this, and we need to be patient and to help one another.
He talked about how he didn't really feel he needed my support, and how he didn't want to share too much for fear of burdening me with his troubles. Honestly, I love the guy beyond all sense, but he can be an idiot. Of course he needs my support, just as he needs support from anyone. No man is an island, no matter how much he might say otherwise. He can't do everything on his own, and the thought of him trying is rather difficult to accept. It's not going to hurt him to lean on people a little bit more, none of us who truly care for him will mind at all. I know I wouldn't.
And seriously, he would not be a burden to me if he shared more of his thoughts or his feelings. Will I completely, totally, 150% understand everything? Probably not, but then he doesn't always understand things about me either. Would it be helpful to him to share more with me? I think so, even if he doesn't agree. Would he be a burden? Hell. No. To put things in perspective, I am a Chiropractor's daughter for starters, meaning I've seen and heard from people about their lives for as long as I can remember. I've also had over two years direct patient care experience in a hospital setting, and now I'm starting in an industry where people come in at their worst, emotion-wise. Trust me, he would never be a burden on me. I would sit and listen, offer input where I could...whatever I needed to do to let him vent. Then I'd go about my day. That's that.
But in the end, methinks much of this is rather moot. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do; he has to make that decision for himself. So we shall see.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Last note for tonight
I'm much cooler than I was when I was venting. Justin and I have an agreement in our bet that we can talk if we feel it's urgent enough, without a penalty to whomever initiates. Well, let's just say that that posting of mine triggered the 'urgent' response on his end. I'll share more in the morning when I'm not as tired (I've been pondering a few things with him all day, but they can wait), but I think the two of us are better off for it. More on that next time.
Freewrite 3/27 2/2: Venting
Apparently, I need to let this out. It's been bugging me since I wrapped my last post in here. (Wow, I'm needing to write a lot more all of a sudden.)
As much as I love Justin, I am so very tired of how he patronizes me in some respects. Maybe that's why this bet of ours appeals so much to me; I'd likely smack him otherwise at this point. In short, I am so tired of being the throwaway girlfriend, the one who is the last to know anything for the supposed reason of 'being for my own good' or some other shit. I'm here being as supportive of him as I can be, and I get all but nothing in return for it from him. I barely get any support, I barely get any acknowledgement of my achievements...yet I'm supposed to quietly sit here and cheer him on.
Like when I got the job at the mortuary. I was so happy when I got the job, and he couldn't even congratulate me. He reminded me to check on something he had linked me to a while back, and it was only when I asked him about it that he essentially asked 'Who says I'm not happy for you?'. Um, I can't read your mind, idiot. (This feels so petty to rant about, but it hurt when it happened.)
And then there's this podcast that he's doing. See, a few years back, he had a radio show that covered many things geek. Sadly, it fell by the wayside after only a few episodes, but from talking to him I knew he wanted to bring it back. And I wanted to help bring it back in some way. That was part of the initial plan, that I would be involved in it in some manner. If you can guess that my role has essentially turned into 'nothing', I owe you yet another gold star. I'm getting totally shut out of this whole podcast that I wanted to help with. I'm not being told when events are happening, at least not until a week or so before when the others have known for far longer. See, there are two things I utterly can't stand: Being the last to know anything, and having choices made for me. Even though right now isn't a good time for me to necessarily be involved hands-on, it should still be MY say. I should still be told about things, so I can make decisions for myself. The way he's doing it now takes any choice/free-will/whatever totally out of my hands. And I'm sick of it.
And the worst part? He's being a fucking condescending jerkass about it! I called him out on it, asking him why I'm being shut out, why I can't contribute, and so on, and what did I get in return? A pat on the head and a fucking patronizing line about how 'now isn't the time for me to contribute, be patient'. Fuck. That. Noise.
Seriously, fuck it. I am so done being pushed aside, being ignored, being shut out of things, all while HE talks down to me like I'm a fucking child. I am so past sick of it that I could spit. He told me he's planning on this podcast of his lasting for some time. I'm sure that was the plan for the radio show, and that went by the wayside real quick if my memory serves. He's the dumbass who said we didn't seem to have a lot in common, but when I want to work on something that shows some of what we share in common I get blocked from doing so. I ASKED him if I could contribute, which led to the aforementioned patronizing shit from him. He's pulled the rug out from under me on several things I could have helped with on the podcast, and there's been no communication with me about other background ways I can help.
It all makes me so very, very sad. I keep cheering him on, hoping things go well, supporting him in everything, whatever I can do to show him I care. But I don't get any of that in return. I don't get cheered on, I don't get support, I don't get shit from him when positive things happen to me. And I can't even want to celebrate, because 'OMG, we aren't supposed to be wanting to see one another'. I seriously cannot win at all, can I?
Damn it hurts. It hurts, it makes me angry, but it's all pointless. I can't show any of it because then I'm 'weak', but what else am I supposed to do? A small part of me wants to disappear, to fade out. After all, would I really be missed? But I can't. I often joke with myself that I could kill myself, but I'm far too stubborn to let myself die. Guess I'm too stubborn to fade out as well, aren't I?
My cynical side had a question for me today, one I can't quite answer. Does absence truly make the heart grow fonder? Or is 'out of sight, out of mind' a better quote regarding me?
......
*sigh* I don't want to give up, but it feels more and more like that's the only option I have left emotionally if I don't want to keep on being treated like I'm unimportant. Hell, if I wanted that, I'd have stayed with my parents. I...really just don't know. And that makes me even sadder.
As much as I love Justin, I am so very tired of how he patronizes me in some respects. Maybe that's why this bet of ours appeals so much to me; I'd likely smack him otherwise at this point. In short, I am so tired of being the throwaway girlfriend, the one who is the last to know anything for the supposed reason of 'being for my own good' or some other shit. I'm here being as supportive of him as I can be, and I get all but nothing in return for it from him. I barely get any support, I barely get any acknowledgement of my achievements...yet I'm supposed to quietly sit here and cheer him on.
Like when I got the job at the mortuary. I was so happy when I got the job, and he couldn't even congratulate me. He reminded me to check on something he had linked me to a while back, and it was only when I asked him about it that he essentially asked 'Who says I'm not happy for you?'. Um, I can't read your mind, idiot. (This feels so petty to rant about, but it hurt when it happened.)
And then there's this podcast that he's doing. See, a few years back, he had a radio show that covered many things geek. Sadly, it fell by the wayside after only a few episodes, but from talking to him I knew he wanted to bring it back. And I wanted to help bring it back in some way. That was part of the initial plan, that I would be involved in it in some manner. If you can guess that my role has essentially turned into 'nothing', I owe you yet another gold star. I'm getting totally shut out of this whole podcast that I wanted to help with. I'm not being told when events are happening, at least not until a week or so before when the others have known for far longer. See, there are two things I utterly can't stand: Being the last to know anything, and having choices made for me. Even though right now isn't a good time for me to necessarily be involved hands-on, it should still be MY say. I should still be told about things, so I can make decisions for myself. The way he's doing it now takes any choice/free-will/whatever totally out of my hands. And I'm sick of it.
And the worst part? He's being a fucking condescending jerkass about it! I called him out on it, asking him why I'm being shut out, why I can't contribute, and so on, and what did I get in return? A pat on the head and a fucking patronizing line about how 'now isn't the time for me to contribute, be patient'. Fuck. That. Noise.
Seriously, fuck it. I am so done being pushed aside, being ignored, being shut out of things, all while HE talks down to me like I'm a fucking child. I am so past sick of it that I could spit. He told me he's planning on this podcast of his lasting for some time. I'm sure that was the plan for the radio show, and that went by the wayside real quick if my memory serves. He's the dumbass who said we didn't seem to have a lot in common, but when I want to work on something that shows some of what we share in common I get blocked from doing so. I ASKED him if I could contribute, which led to the aforementioned patronizing shit from him. He's pulled the rug out from under me on several things I could have helped with on the podcast, and there's been no communication with me about other background ways I can help.
It all makes me so very, very sad. I keep cheering him on, hoping things go well, supporting him in everything, whatever I can do to show him I care. But I don't get any of that in return. I don't get cheered on, I don't get support, I don't get shit from him when positive things happen to me. And I can't even want to celebrate, because 'OMG, we aren't supposed to be wanting to see one another'. I seriously cannot win at all, can I?
Damn it hurts. It hurts, it makes me angry, but it's all pointless. I can't show any of it because then I'm 'weak', but what else am I supposed to do? A small part of me wants to disappear, to fade out. After all, would I really be missed? But I can't. I often joke with myself that I could kill myself, but I'm far too stubborn to let myself die. Guess I'm too stubborn to fade out as well, aren't I?
My cynical side had a question for me today, one I can't quite answer. Does absence truly make the heart grow fonder? Or is 'out of sight, out of mind' a better quote regarding me?
......
*sigh* I don't want to give up, but it feels more and more like that's the only option I have left emotionally if I don't want to keep on being treated like I'm unimportant. Hell, if I wanted that, I'd have stayed with my parents. I...really just don't know. And that makes me even sadder.
Fluff/Freewrite 3/27: Little Wonders
Have you ever had something happen that seems small, but still makes a profound difference? Something that you can explain rationally, but you find almost inexplicable in the bigger context of things? Well, while I can't say any specifics about the day (for obvious reasons), I had one of these little experiences.
I was assisting with a service today. It was a bit heartbreaking, as many services typically are. I was in the chapel waiting for the family to arrive for the service while the director was busy with other details of the service. As I stood in the center of the chapel, the clouds shifted enough to let the sun shine through. Now, the chapel has a pretty, high window in one wall that lets light in when the sun is angled correctly. In this case, everything lined up perfectly...and the sunlight shining through the window fell directly on a small table that held a few mementos of the son's. It was such a beautiful sight that I just watched it for several minutes, all the while wishing it would last until the family arrived. Sadly, it didn't. The sun shifted and the clouds moved enough that it faded a few minutes before they arrived. But I made sure to tell them what I saw, and that I'd wished I could have taken a photo of it for them. It seemed to really comfort them.
Now, rationally, I know what caused it. But in the context of what I was assisting with, it couldn't have been a mere coincidence. I wonder if it wasn't also a sign of sorts for me in a small way, since I was really the only one who saw it in all its glory (to use a cliche). I've been so emotionally mixed recently -with a few hopeless feeling moments here and there- that I could use an encouraging sign. It left me with a very warm feeling.
So that was that. It may hold more interest to me than anyone else. Still, I thought it noteworthy.
I was assisting with a service today. It was a bit heartbreaking, as many services typically are. I was in the chapel waiting for the family to arrive for the service while the director was busy with other details of the service. As I stood in the center of the chapel, the clouds shifted enough to let the sun shine through. Now, the chapel has a pretty, high window in one wall that lets light in when the sun is angled correctly. In this case, everything lined up perfectly...and the sunlight shining through the window fell directly on a small table that held a few mementos of the son's. It was such a beautiful sight that I just watched it for several minutes, all the while wishing it would last until the family arrived. Sadly, it didn't. The sun shifted and the clouds moved enough that it faded a few minutes before they arrived. But I made sure to tell them what I saw, and that I'd wished I could have taken a photo of it for them. It seemed to really comfort them.
Now, rationally, I know what caused it. But in the context of what I was assisting with, it couldn't have been a mere coincidence. I wonder if it wasn't also a sign of sorts for me in a small way, since I was really the only one who saw it in all its glory (to use a cliche). I've been so emotionally mixed recently -with a few hopeless feeling moments here and there- that I could use an encouraging sign. It left me with a very warm feeling.
So that was that. It may hold more interest to me than anyone else. Still, I thought it noteworthy.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Freewrite 3/26: Birthday Thoughts
All right. My mind tells me that a freewrite is in order, so I'll indulge it. It might help me sleep, at the very least.
As we come up on April, I've started thinking a bit ahead, to May. My birthday is May 13th, and it'll be my first one celebrated away from home. If you know me, you know I've mentioned in the past that birthdays really weren't marked or celebrated much in my family after we reached a certain age. They were noted, sure, but there wasn't a lot of celebration about them. If I were lucky, I'd have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law, or do something fun with them; most times, I was on my own in terms of celebrating.
I want this year to be different. I thought about it, and I do have a birthday wish that I want to have granted. But I can't say it. I'm scared to say it. Why? Because I'm not sure it would happen. It's nothing complicated or difficult, but I still fear it wouldn't happen. See, my worry is that I'll say it (even in this space), then that act will make me get my hopes up that it will actually happen, only to have them fall even lower than previously when things don't pan out. I really don't want to set my birthday up for that -especially the first one celebrated on my own- so for now, I don't want to share that wish. Maybe once I feel a bit more at-ease with things I'll share it. Right now, I just can't risk doing all that to myself.
As we come up on April, I've started thinking a bit ahead, to May. My birthday is May 13th, and it'll be my first one celebrated away from home. If you know me, you know I've mentioned in the past that birthdays really weren't marked or celebrated much in my family after we reached a certain age. They were noted, sure, but there wasn't a lot of celebration about them. If I were lucky, I'd have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law, or do something fun with them; most times, I was on my own in terms of celebrating.
I want this year to be different. I thought about it, and I do have a birthday wish that I want to have granted. But I can't say it. I'm scared to say it. Why? Because I'm not sure it would happen. It's nothing complicated or difficult, but I still fear it wouldn't happen. See, my worry is that I'll say it (even in this space), then that act will make me get my hopes up that it will actually happen, only to have them fall even lower than previously when things don't pan out. I really don't want to set my birthday up for that -especially the first one celebrated on my own- so for now, I don't want to share that wish. Maybe once I feel a bit more at-ease with things I'll share it. Right now, I just can't risk doing all that to myself.
Fluff posting: Hello writing, my old friend...
I'm not totally sure I really have enough to say to warrant a freewrite tonight. But I did want to put this out there. The term 'fluff' in the title is merely to separate this from my normal freewritings. It in no way diminishes what I plan to be doing.
As some of you know, I love to write. I was primarily a fan fiction writer, until life stepped in and got in my way. Now that I'm feeling clearer, I think I might go back to my writings, both fanfic and otherwise. I've had an original fiction idea in the back of my mind for several years now that I think needs to at least be written down, if not shared. It was meant to be a comic/webcomic with Tom, but it never saw the light of day in that format. Instead, I'd like to write it down, if only so I can say I wrote something longer than a bunch of chapters (my longest fanfic project to-date, which could use some work on it).
I was thinking on this idea all day today while I was at work, and I think it might work. I've already got ideas for the characters in my head, as well as rough ideas for the first few chapters. From here, it's just a matter of getting it all down. This should keep me busy, if all goes as I hope.
As some of you know, I love to write. I was primarily a fan fiction writer, until life stepped in and got in my way. Now that I'm feeling clearer, I think I might go back to my writings, both fanfic and otherwise. I've had an original fiction idea in the back of my mind for several years now that I think needs to at least be written down, if not shared. It was meant to be a comic/webcomic with Tom, but it never saw the light of day in that format. Instead, I'd like to write it down, if only so I can say I wrote something longer than a bunch of chapters (my longest fanfic project to-date, which could use some work on it).
I was thinking on this idea all day today while I was at work, and I think it might work. I've already got ideas for the characters in my head, as well as rough ideas for the first few chapters. From here, it's just a matter of getting it all down. This should keep me busy, if all goes as I hope.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Freewrite 3/25 2/2: Transition
I feel like there's a lot on my mind, so I thought putting it down would help me focus better. Nothing is set in stone, things can still change from here. But keeping my head clear will help me in the long run.
I've been generally feeling good today, especially considering the bet I started with Justin. I'm surprised that I don't feel the same disconnect I often felt when trying this in the past. Methinks I'm finally settling to a point where I can focus on things without him. I still miss having him near me, but I'll live. No, I'll do more than that. I'll live, I'll eventually thrive, and I'll hope to see him soon. At this point, that's the best I can do.
I guess what's making me the most unsettled is my keeping an eye out for a new place to live. Nothing's happened, I'm not being kicked out...nothing like that. Cindy has mentioned in the past that, were I to find a job nearer to school, I should look for a place that would be near both school and work. And it makes a lot of sense to do so. Right now, I spend a fair amount just getting back and forth from Azusa to Cypress and/or Brea and back. It would be nice to cut back on my transit spending. Adding to that is Cindy's need to survive, which means rent here will be higher for me if I stay for more than another month or so. I totally agree with her reasoning for it as well, so no arguments here. Her priority is keeping a roof over her head, and I respect that.
I have a few other, less tangible reasons as well. I guess I feel a bit...disconnected up here at times. Most of my classmates live near campus, or within a short driving distance. It would be nice to be able to meet up with them for study sessions or coffee or anything like that without having to worry about a long trip home. It sounds strange coming from me, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm connecting with more than a few of my classmates, and a bit more social time here and there couldn't hurt as long as it doesn't get in the way of studying or work. It would also be nice to be nearer to other folks I know who live in that area, like Bill and Patty. I love them like second parents, and I've missed visiting with them since I've been so busy with life. I'm glad they are so understanding, but I'd still like to feel more connected in ways to them.
I guess the time aspect is also important to me in all this room-hunting. Since I don't currently have a car (and saving for one will take a LOT of time), I rely on transit to get where I need to get. From here, that can eat a big chunk out of my day, both morning and evening. Being closer to school and work will mean I can spend more time at each, without worrying about what route will get me home with enough time to eat, study, and hopefully catch enough sleep to function well the next day.
If I'm going to take this route, I guess my next step is to keep my eyes open and see what comes up that I can afford (and that isn't too far from things). As always, I'll see where the world takes me. I've found a couple leads that may prove promising, but anything can still happen.
I've been generally feeling good today, especially considering the bet I started with Justin. I'm surprised that I don't feel the same disconnect I often felt when trying this in the past. Methinks I'm finally settling to a point where I can focus on things without him. I still miss having him near me, but I'll live. No, I'll do more than that. I'll live, I'll eventually thrive, and I'll hope to see him soon. At this point, that's the best I can do.
I guess what's making me the most unsettled is my keeping an eye out for a new place to live. Nothing's happened, I'm not being kicked out...nothing like that. Cindy has mentioned in the past that, were I to find a job nearer to school, I should look for a place that would be near both school and work. And it makes a lot of sense to do so. Right now, I spend a fair amount just getting back and forth from Azusa to Cypress and/or Brea and back. It would be nice to cut back on my transit spending. Adding to that is Cindy's need to survive, which means rent here will be higher for me if I stay for more than another month or so. I totally agree with her reasoning for it as well, so no arguments here. Her priority is keeping a roof over her head, and I respect that.
I have a few other, less tangible reasons as well. I guess I feel a bit...disconnected up here at times. Most of my classmates live near campus, or within a short driving distance. It would be nice to be able to meet up with them for study sessions or coffee or anything like that without having to worry about a long trip home. It sounds strange coming from me, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm connecting with more than a few of my classmates, and a bit more social time here and there couldn't hurt as long as it doesn't get in the way of studying or work. It would also be nice to be nearer to other folks I know who live in that area, like Bill and Patty. I love them like second parents, and I've missed visiting with them since I've been so busy with life. I'm glad they are so understanding, but I'd still like to feel more connected in ways to them.
I guess the time aspect is also important to me in all this room-hunting. Since I don't currently have a car (and saving for one will take a LOT of time), I rely on transit to get where I need to get. From here, that can eat a big chunk out of my day, both morning and evening. Being closer to school and work will mean I can spend more time at each, without worrying about what route will get me home with enough time to eat, study, and hopefully catch enough sleep to function well the next day.
If I'm going to take this route, I guess my next step is to keep my eyes open and see what comes up that I can afford (and that isn't too far from things). As always, I'll see where the world takes me. I've found a couple leads that may prove promising, but anything can still happen.
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