All right. My mind tells me that a freewrite is in order, so I'll indulge it. It might help me sleep, at the very least.
As we come up on April, I've started thinking a bit ahead, to May. My birthday is May 13th, and it'll be my first one celebrated away from home. If you know me, you know I've mentioned in the past that birthdays really weren't marked or celebrated much in my family after we reached a certain age. They were noted, sure, but there wasn't a lot of celebration about them. If I were lucky, I'd have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law, or do something fun with them; most times, I was on my own in terms of celebrating.
I want this year to be different. I thought about it, and I do have a birthday wish that I want to have granted. But I can't say it. I'm scared to say it. Why? Because I'm not sure it would happen. It's nothing complicated or difficult, but I still fear it wouldn't happen. See, my worry is that I'll say it (even in this space), then that act will make me get my hopes up that it will actually happen, only to have them fall even lower than previously when things don't pan out. I really don't want to set my birthday up for that -especially the first one celebrated on my own- so for now, I don't want to share that wish. Maybe once I feel a bit more at-ease with things I'll share it. Right now, I just can't risk doing all that to myself.
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