Freewrite 3/27 2/2: Venting

Apparently, I need to let this out.  It's been bugging me since I wrapped my last post in here.  (Wow, I'm needing to write a lot more all of a sudden.)

As much as I love Justin, I am so very tired of how he patronizes me in some respects.  Maybe that's why this bet of ours appeals so much to me; I'd likely smack him otherwise at this point.  In short, I am so tired of being the throwaway girlfriend, the one who is the last to know anything for the supposed reason of 'being for my own good' or some other shit.  I'm here being as supportive of him as I can be, and I get all but nothing in return for it from him.  I barely get any support, I barely get any acknowledgement of my achievements...yet I'm supposed to quietly sit here and cheer him on.

Like when I got the job at the mortuary.  I was so happy when I got the job, and he couldn't even congratulate me.  He reminded me to check on something he had linked me to a while back, and it was only when I asked him about it that he essentially asked 'Who says I'm not happy for you?'.  Um, I can't read your mind, idiot.  (This feels so petty to rant about, but it hurt when it happened.)

And then there's this podcast that he's doing.  See, a few years back, he had a radio show that covered many things geek.  Sadly, it fell by the wayside after only a few episodes, but from talking to him I knew he wanted to bring it back.  And I wanted to help bring it back in some way.  That was part of the initial plan, that I would be involved in it in some manner.  If you can guess that my role has essentially turned into 'nothing', I owe you yet another gold star.  I'm getting totally shut out of this whole podcast that I wanted to help with.  I'm not being told when events are happening, at least not until a week or so before when the others have known for far longer.  See, there are two things I utterly can't stand: Being the last to know anything, and having choices made for me.  Even though right now isn't a good time for me to necessarily be involved hands-on, it should still be MY say.  I should still be told about things, so I can make decisions for myself.  The way he's doing it now takes any choice/free-will/whatever totally out of my hands.  And I'm sick of it.

And the worst part?  He's being a fucking condescending jerkass about it!  I called him out on it, asking him why I'm being shut out, why I can't contribute, and so on, and what did I get in return?  A pat on the head and a fucking patronizing line about how 'now isn't the time for me to contribute, be patient'.  Fuck.  That.  Noise.

Seriously, fuck it.  I am so done being pushed aside, being ignored, being shut out of things, all while HE talks down to me like I'm a fucking child.  I am so past sick of it that I could spit.  He told me he's planning on this podcast of his lasting for some time.  I'm sure that was the plan for the radio show, and that went by the wayside real quick if my memory serves.  He's the dumbass who said we didn't seem to have a lot in common, but when I want to work on something that shows some of what we share in common I get blocked from doing so.  I ASKED him if I could contribute, which led to the aforementioned patronizing shit from him.  He's pulled the rug out from under me on several things I could have helped with on the podcast, and there's been no communication with me about other background ways I can help.

It all makes me so very, very sad.  I keep cheering him on, hoping things go well, supporting him in everything, whatever I can do to show him I care.  But I don't get any of that in return.  I don't get cheered on, I don't get support, I don't get shit from him when positive things happen to me.  And I can't even want to celebrate, because 'OMG, we aren't supposed to be wanting to see one another'.  I seriously cannot win at all, can I?

Damn it hurts.  It hurts, it makes me angry, but it's all pointless.  I can't show any of it because then I'm 'weak', but what else am I supposed to do?  A small part of me wants to disappear, to fade out.  After all, would I really be missed?  But I can't.  I often joke with myself that I could kill myself, but I'm far too stubborn to let myself die.  Guess I'm too stubborn to fade out as well, aren't I?

My cynical side had a question for me today, one I can't quite answer.  Does absence truly make the heart grow fonder?  Or is 'out of sight, out of mind' a better quote regarding me?

......

*sigh*  I don't want to give up, but it feels more and more like that's the only option I have left emotionally if I don't want to keep on being treated like I'm unimportant.  Hell, if I wanted that, I'd have stayed with my parents.  I...really just don't know.  And that makes me even sadder.