Since my post earlier this afternoon caught me up on freewrites, I figured I'd include this under the 'freewrite' umbrella, especially as I've been more aware of it as of recently.
Yes, it's about Justin. No, it's not necessarily negative.
So I was walking from the library in Santa Fe Springs to Cindy's car to wait for her to finish work so we could go home. As I was walking, I kept thinking of the readings/assignments/projects I need to keep up with for my Mortuary Science classes. And guess what kept popping into my mind and crowding all of those important things? If you guessed some variant of 'how much I miss Justin', you get an imaginary gold star from me. (Sorry, I'm fresh out of gold stars.)
It's not that it's a bad thing. After all, I could do far worse than thinking about someone like him. He's sweet, good-natured, (in my opinion) incredibly attractive, and in spite of his goofiness at times he's managed to get me to screw my damn head on backwards, so to speak. (I think it's payback for how long he admired me before I let myself admit I had feelings for him and let us get closer to one another. But that's just me.) He worries about me when things aren't going well for me, he celebrates with me when they even out, and he always makes sure that I'm as well taken care of as he can manage. Who would complain about that?
Well...
My only quibble is more with me than it is with him. My stupid, 'head screwed on backwards' mind keeps dragging him up any chance I give it. I give myself lists of things to do for school, it snarkily nags me that I haven't talked to him in a while/when will I see him again/whines about how I miss him/etc. It's getting a bit old to keep forcibly dragging myself back to my classwork a thousand times a day, 'cause my mind keeps wanting to daydream! I'm supposed to be functioning well on my own, not turning into some sappy lovesick teenager every time I'm away from him for more than a few minutes. It was cute in our first few months together, it's getting a bit tiresome right about now.
I had hoped that by having these 15 some-odd unit semesters I'd be too busy to think of him too much and to miss him that much when we're apart. Seems my mind has other ideas. Geh, I give up.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Freewrite 1/31: Catch-up
I'm an airhead. I'll start off with that. I totally forgot about freewriting yesterday...until I woke up at 2AM this morning, realized I forgot to do it, then went right back to sleep. It was one of those days, what with finding a job and prepping for today's meeting for work study, but with luck things are calming down for me. Today went well, so we'll see where things take me.
I think the biggest frustration on my plate right now is dealing with Financial Aid through Cypress. Here I need the money, and they're taking their sweet time telling me if I get it or not. Seriously, I did the silly appeal form since my grades weren't the best at my past schools. What else do I need to do to get it, stand on my head and juggle plates? Geez...
A rare shorter freewrite to catch me up. If anything else comes to mind, I'll write another post this evening.
I think the biggest frustration on my plate right now is dealing with Financial Aid through Cypress. Here I need the money, and they're taking their sweet time telling me if I get it or not. Seriously, I did the silly appeal form since my grades weren't the best at my past schools. What else do I need to do to get it, stand on my head and juggle plates? Geez...
A rare shorter freewrite to catch me up. If anything else comes to mind, I'll write another post this evening.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Freewrite 1/29: On, well, nothing
Seriously, there's not a lot to say today. There was a bit of residual from yesterday that I had to work through, but currently, all is well.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Freewrite 1/28: Catharsis
So today I had a full day, which I just came back from. I worked for someone Cindy (and from what I hear, Justin) knew, cleaning out her horse stalls. It was good, tiring work that has left me with stiff shoulders and a sore back, but I feel good, all in all.
It also let me really let go. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried a few times while I was working. (Hey, if the worst I have to be worried about is being judged by three horses, a donkey, and a bunch of manure, then I should be in pretty good shape, amirite?) I let myself really miss my family, miss where I came from.
And I do miss them very much. I miss Mom and Dad, Steph, and James. I miss the girls, I miss Max and Marley. I miss the town I'm from, the people I knew there (and in the surrounding areas)...all of it. It hurts to be this far away and not know when I'll go back and visit. It hurts to not have Mom nearby to talk about school and how classes are going, or to hear one of Dad's stories about his days back in Davenport when he went to Chiropractic school. Everything just...hurts like hell. It hurts like hell and I have to fight through it to feel better.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on making my way here. I've got a job hunt to do, along with three semesters to finish school, get my degree, and get my license. I've got a lot of work ahead of me to keep me busy. It's just so hard sometimes, when I feel disconnected and scared and I start to worry I won't make it. Then I remember what lies ahead when I do, and it's just enough to keep me moving forward.
And hey. That's all I can do when the chips seem down, isn't it?
It also let me really let go. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried a few times while I was working. (Hey, if the worst I have to be worried about is being judged by three horses, a donkey, and a bunch of manure, then I should be in pretty good shape, amirite?) I let myself really miss my family, miss where I came from.
And I do miss them very much. I miss Mom and Dad, Steph, and James. I miss the girls, I miss Max and Marley. I miss the town I'm from, the people I knew there (and in the surrounding areas)...all of it. It hurts to be this far away and not know when I'll go back and visit. It hurts to not have Mom nearby to talk about school and how classes are going, or to hear one of Dad's stories about his days back in Davenport when he went to Chiropractic school. Everything just...hurts like hell. It hurts like hell and I have to fight through it to feel better.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on making my way here. I've got a job hunt to do, along with three semesters to finish school, get my degree, and get my license. I've got a lot of work ahead of me to keep me busy. It's just so hard sometimes, when I feel disconnected and scared and I start to worry I won't make it. Then I remember what lies ahead when I do, and it's just enough to keep me moving forward.
And hey. That's all I can do when the chips seem down, isn't it?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
freewrite 1/27: Insularity and other ponderings
This will be one of those rare freewrites that I do during the course of my day, as opposed to when I get home this evening. I noticed it a bit last night, and even moreso this morning.
Justin often tells me (in so many words) that I've been letting myself be too insular. I'm sociable, but I don't necessarily like to socialize. It can get to the point that, if there's an opportunity to socialize with people, I'll do so for a short time before retreating and doing a solitary activity like reading or sitting/standing by myself.
Why? I'm not completely sure. Part of it is my wiring. While I am outgoing and sociable, I do have a limit, especially in newer environments and/or situations. When that limit is hit, I withdraw a bit to let myself relax, lest I start feeling panicky and/or anxious about people being around me. This is especially true when there are a lot of mostly-unfamiliar people surrounding me whom I'm starting to get to know.
I guess the other part is not being sure how to fully connect with people. I'm the type who, when I'm into something, I go into it wholeheartedly. I could talk for hours about some topics (and often do, just ask Justin or anyone else who knows me really well), while others I have little clue about. This can make it hard for me to connect with people, since my interests aren't quite mainstream. It's why I'm glad I'm meeting and getting to know my Mortuary Science classmates. I think one hard thing about my being away from my family is missing the interest they -especially Mom- took in what I was doing in class. She and I could talk about my classes all day if we let ourselves, and Dad took interest here and there as well. Up here? I feel like I'm pretty much on my own. So I'm glad I have a few people I can talk to who don't give me funny looks for going on about funeral homes or anatomy, or othersuch.
Lastly, in case you couldn't already guess, I find I miss my family every so often. I hope I can talk with them and let them know how I'm doing very soon.
Justin often tells me (in so many words) that I've been letting myself be too insular. I'm sociable, but I don't necessarily like to socialize. It can get to the point that, if there's an opportunity to socialize with people, I'll do so for a short time before retreating and doing a solitary activity like reading or sitting/standing by myself.
Why? I'm not completely sure. Part of it is my wiring. While I am outgoing and sociable, I do have a limit, especially in newer environments and/or situations. When that limit is hit, I withdraw a bit to let myself relax, lest I start feeling panicky and/or anxious about people being around me. This is especially true when there are a lot of mostly-unfamiliar people surrounding me whom I'm starting to get to know.
I guess the other part is not being sure how to fully connect with people. I'm the type who, when I'm into something, I go into it wholeheartedly. I could talk for hours about some topics (and often do, just ask Justin or anyone else who knows me really well), while others I have little clue about. This can make it hard for me to connect with people, since my interests aren't quite mainstream. It's why I'm glad I'm meeting and getting to know my Mortuary Science classmates. I think one hard thing about my being away from my family is missing the interest they -especially Mom- took in what I was doing in class. She and I could talk about my classes all day if we let ourselves, and Dad took interest here and there as well. Up here? I feel like I'm pretty much on my own. So I'm glad I have a few people I can talk to who don't give me funny looks for going on about funeral homes or anatomy, or othersuch.
Lastly, in case you couldn't already guess, I find I miss my family every so often. I hope I can talk with them and let them know how I'm doing very soon.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Freewrite 1/26: Rage, more grief, and othersuch
So I had another therapy appointment today.
Wait, before anyone says 'but Andrea, you just had an appointment on Monday', let me explain. To save on transit costs, I switched therapy days from Mondays to Wednesdays. So I have switched from Ashley to Penny, who is still an incredible individual who had a lot to share with me.
I opened up to her about the troubles I've been having, from the issues I started with Cindy, to my grief at leaving Ramona, to some of my other feelings about everything from school to Justin. She let me cry, let me vent, let me do whatever I needed to do. (She also agreed the freewriting is a good thing.) She gave me some great insight about guys and relationships, among other things.
When our session ended, I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to work on between now and next week. She told me to focus on de-clinging myself from Justin. She emphasized that the more I tried to stay close to him, the further he'd want to go. So I'm going to take her advice and mostly disengage with him from here. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be around if he wants to talk, or if he has a question about anything. But I won't be trying to talk with him or spend time with him every chance I get. I'll let him initiate things much more, rather than jumping in to talk to him every chance I get. With a bit of luck, we'll each do better from here.
Another thing today made me realize is just how much my family still affects me. Dad tends to have a temper, and when he goes off, he rages. It's a mix of frightening and annoying when it happens, but I had no idea how much it affected me until Penny got me thinking. It would explain my own fearfulness, especially when asking for things I need. I found it hard to ask for anything, since I was so scared of the reaction I would get. Hopefully, I can get around that fearfulness and be more open with time.
In other news, I know I'm doing better. How? On the trip home, I met someone new. More than that, I talked with him and really enjoyed it. His name is Arnel, and he's a Navy recruiter who works down at the Puente Hills mall. While initially he was interested in me mainly due to my past military interest (and my 95 score in the ASVAB last year), but he also showed interest in my studies as a Mortuary Science student. I suggested we spend time together here and there as friends, and he seems open to it. So we shall see. I'm gradually feeling more open and comfortable with things, to where I feel like I can be much more sociable.
Wait, before anyone says 'but Andrea, you just had an appointment on Monday', let me explain. To save on transit costs, I switched therapy days from Mondays to Wednesdays. So I have switched from Ashley to Penny, who is still an incredible individual who had a lot to share with me.
I opened up to her about the troubles I've been having, from the issues I started with Cindy, to my grief at leaving Ramona, to some of my other feelings about everything from school to Justin. She let me cry, let me vent, let me do whatever I needed to do. (She also agreed the freewriting is a good thing.) She gave me some great insight about guys and relationships, among other things.
When our session ended, I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to work on between now and next week. She told me to focus on de-clinging myself from Justin. She emphasized that the more I tried to stay close to him, the further he'd want to go. So I'm going to take her advice and mostly disengage with him from here. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be around if he wants to talk, or if he has a question about anything. But I won't be trying to talk with him or spend time with him every chance I get. I'll let him initiate things much more, rather than jumping in to talk to him every chance I get. With a bit of luck, we'll each do better from here.
Another thing today made me realize is just how much my family still affects me. Dad tends to have a temper, and when he goes off, he rages. It's a mix of frightening and annoying when it happens, but I had no idea how much it affected me until Penny got me thinking. It would explain my own fearfulness, especially when asking for things I need. I found it hard to ask for anything, since I was so scared of the reaction I would get. Hopefully, I can get around that fearfulness and be more open with time.
In other news, I know I'm doing better. How? On the trip home, I met someone new. More than that, I talked with him and really enjoyed it. His name is Arnel, and he's a Navy recruiter who works down at the Puente Hills mall. While initially he was interested in me mainly due to my past military interest (and my 95 score in the ASVAB last year), but he also showed interest in my studies as a Mortuary Science student. I suggested we spend time together here and there as friends, and he seems open to it. So we shall see. I'm gradually feeling more open and comfortable with things, to where I feel like I can be much more sociable.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Freewrite 1/25: On Grief and Grieving
Sometimes, I think I'm in the right line of study, considering what I left behind when I moved up here. I was sitting in Thanatology I (Thanatology is the study of grief/mourning/bereavement/everything affiliated with it. It's a very interesting blend of Psychology/Sociology) when Professor Bower mentioned the saying of how we all have 'a thousand little deaths each day' (to paraphrase). And I got to thinking about that, both as I sat in class and as I made my way home. It doesn't explain all of my recent shit behavior, but it does explain a lot of my depressive feelings. At least, in my mind it does.
See, I've been grieving. I've been grieving about the home and the family I left in Ramona. Now, some of you will likely chime in at this point and say, 'But, Andrea! That wasn't a healthy situation at all for you. Why are you grieving for it?' or some permutation thereof, amirite? Well, remember that, until a month or so ago, that was the only home I really knew. That was the only family I really knew, screwed-up as they are. The house I left I had lived in since I was six years old. The town I left I had spent my entire life living in. Naturally, it's going to be fundamentally hard to let that all go. It's going to be hard to walk away from everything that was known and familiar to me, even if it is for a better opportunity. A part of me will always be there, just as I'm sure anyone who has ever moved a considerable distance from home will always have some small portion of themselves back in their 'roots', as it were.
But I hope that this process benefits me in my chosen field. See, grief is kind of part and parcel of the whole funeral/mortuary deal, and I hope that my grieving for the things I miss back home will help me be more understanding and empathic toward people who are hurting. It may not be for the same reasons, but it's grief nonetheless.
Without attempting to jinx anything, I really hope to have good news soon. I had some good things happen today, and I'm praying (in my own way, since I ain't the praying type) that they work out. They'll go a long way toward helping me with a lot of what I'm dealing with. Fingers crossed.
See, I've been grieving. I've been grieving about the home and the family I left in Ramona. Now, some of you will likely chime in at this point and say, 'But, Andrea! That wasn't a healthy situation at all for you. Why are you grieving for it?' or some permutation thereof, amirite? Well, remember that, until a month or so ago, that was the only home I really knew. That was the only family I really knew, screwed-up as they are. The house I left I had lived in since I was six years old. The town I left I had spent my entire life living in. Naturally, it's going to be fundamentally hard to let that all go. It's going to be hard to walk away from everything that was known and familiar to me, even if it is for a better opportunity. A part of me will always be there, just as I'm sure anyone who has ever moved a considerable distance from home will always have some small portion of themselves back in their 'roots', as it were.
But I hope that this process benefits me in my chosen field. See, grief is kind of part and parcel of the whole funeral/mortuary deal, and I hope that my grieving for the things I miss back home will help me be more understanding and empathic toward people who are hurting. It may not be for the same reasons, but it's grief nonetheless.
Without attempting to jinx anything, I really hope to have good news soon. I had some good things happen today, and I'm praying (in my own way, since I ain't the praying type) that they work out. They'll go a long way toward helping me with a lot of what I'm dealing with. Fingers crossed.
Experiment
A rare early-morning post for me, but this worked so well last night that I had to share when I finally woke up this morning.
As many of you can guess, I miss Justin when we aren't together. Quite a bit, by my own admission (and somwehat to my embarrassment, I'm not normally this dependant on people). I'd made the suggestion in the past that he and I carve out TV time together, but plans he already had for last night put a crimp on that (at least for now).
So I tried something. I've always believed you're only as far from someone you love as you believe yourself to be; if you feel close to them, you will be in some way, no matter what the distance. So at 8PM last night, I curled up on my bed and watched Chuck and The Cape. We watched them together last Monday night, and I enjoyed the time we spent together.
How was it? It worked pretty well, actually! I enjoyed watching TV for the first time in a while (most times, I use it as background noise to something else I'm doing), and while it would have been nice to have had him there, I didn't miss him nearly as much as I sometimes do. Going to sleep last night, I almost felt like he was asleep next to me. All in all, it was great.
Now, to see if I can't keep a good thing going today. Time to get ready for school.
As many of you can guess, I miss Justin when we aren't together. Quite a bit, by my own admission (and somwehat to my embarrassment, I'm not normally this dependant on people). I'd made the suggestion in the past that he and I carve out TV time together, but plans he already had for last night put a crimp on that (at least for now).
So I tried something. I've always believed you're only as far from someone you love as you believe yourself to be; if you feel close to them, you will be in some way, no matter what the distance. So at 8PM last night, I curled up on my bed and watched Chuck and The Cape. We watched them together last Monday night, and I enjoyed the time we spent together.
How was it? It worked pretty well, actually! I enjoyed watching TV for the first time in a while (most times, I use it as background noise to something else I'm doing), and while it would have been nice to have had him there, I didn't miss him nearly as much as I sometimes do. Going to sleep last night, I almost felt like he was asleep next to me. All in all, it was great.
Now, to see if I can't keep a good thing going today. Time to get ready for school.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Freewrite 1/24 2 of 2: Fluff and Reminiscing
Have you ever had one of those memories that just sticks with you, no matter what? Even more, have you ever had a good memory like that that just suddenly comes to mind, and keeps coming to mind over and over again?
I have, and it's one of those that makes me as giddy to think back on it as I was the day it was happening. Here, let me back up and tell all about it. (Apologies in advance to Justin for the sappiness. It just feels so wonderful to remember! Also, apologies for length, I just want to share everything I can!)
So back when Justin and I first decided to be a couple, we started talking about having me visit him in the part of L.A. (Sherman Oaks) where he lived. Well, things didn't quite go as we planned, but once he had moved to his current place in Sylmar, I was *finally* able to go see him. (The big hangup about visiting? My parents wouldn't let me take the car I was driving and go see him, and it was too late to catch a train up without paying through the nose.) He and I planned out a route that I would take to go up that first time, and I was extremely excited. It would be my first visit to L.A. that wasn't simply passing through LAX, and I couldn't wait!
The plan was all set. I would visit him the weekend of July 16th. I would leave the car with my sister, she would take me to the Sprinter station in Escondido, I would ride it to the Oceanside station, and I would catch the Metrolink up the coast and through L.A. Well, things almost don't work out. See, Justin called me when I reached my sister's, and I got so distracted talking to him that my sister was late getting me to the Sprinter station. I missed the train I wanted to take, and had to wait for the next one, which cut my time buffer considerably. It wouldn't have been such a huge deal, except there was a long line at the ticket kiosk when I reached the Oceanside station. I waited my turn, bought my ticket, dashed down the stairs and under the tracks to the opposite side, and literally caught the train with a minute or two to spare. Good thing I didn't wear my high heels to travel in, I'd have never made it.
And what a beautiful ride it was! I hadn't been on a train ride up from Oceanside since I was about 13 years old. The weather was gorgeous; the mid-afternoon sun shining made everything absolutely beautiful. There were no issues from Oceanside to Union Station, and I remember how amazed I was when I first saw the L.A. skyline from the train. I felt small, and I marvelled at the sight. Getting off the train with time to spare to nab my connecting one, I asked which platform it was on, found it, and settled onto it after confirming it was the correct one with the conductor onboard. Once I did, I called Justin to let him know I was starting the next leg of my trek; I got his voicemail and left a message. What makes this funny is as soon as I hung up, I saw I had a new voicemail myself. Take a wild guess as to who it was. As soon as I'd finished listening to it, my phone rang, and it was Justin. We connected, made sure we were on the same schedule, and about that time the train was leaving. Once I was on my way, I changed from a shirt and shorts to a pretty blouse and miniskirt combo I'd told Justin I would wear (hey, it was easier to travel that way). I got off at Burbank/Bob Hope Airport, and instantly made it to the shadiest part of the station. I got out my phone, and was about to call Justin when I happened to spot him walking toward me. He gave me a big welcoming hug, welcomed me to Burbank for the first time, and started showing me around.
And that began one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I met some awesome people, met his parents, saw a new area, and had a lot of fun. I really don't know how else to quantify it; it was all absolutely incredible. Even looking back, it's one of my happiest recent memories, one that paved the way for several more.
And I think I'm all out of fluff for one night. Still, it felt good.
I have, and it's one of those that makes me as giddy to think back on it as I was the day it was happening. Here, let me back up and tell all about it. (Apologies in advance to Justin for the sappiness. It just feels so wonderful to remember! Also, apologies for length, I just want to share everything I can!)
So back when Justin and I first decided to be a couple, we started talking about having me visit him in the part of L.A. (Sherman Oaks) where he lived. Well, things didn't quite go as we planned, but once he had moved to his current place in Sylmar, I was *finally* able to go see him. (The big hangup about visiting? My parents wouldn't let me take the car I was driving and go see him, and it was too late to catch a train up without paying through the nose.) He and I planned out a route that I would take to go up that first time, and I was extremely excited. It would be my first visit to L.A. that wasn't simply passing through LAX, and I couldn't wait!
The plan was all set. I would visit him the weekend of July 16th. I would leave the car with my sister, she would take me to the Sprinter station in Escondido, I would ride it to the Oceanside station, and I would catch the Metrolink up the coast and through L.A. Well, things almost don't work out. See, Justin called me when I reached my sister's, and I got so distracted talking to him that my sister was late getting me to the Sprinter station. I missed the train I wanted to take, and had to wait for the next one, which cut my time buffer considerably. It wouldn't have been such a huge deal, except there was a long line at the ticket kiosk when I reached the Oceanside station. I waited my turn, bought my ticket, dashed down the stairs and under the tracks to the opposite side, and literally caught the train with a minute or two to spare. Good thing I didn't wear my high heels to travel in, I'd have never made it.
And what a beautiful ride it was! I hadn't been on a train ride up from Oceanside since I was about 13 years old. The weather was gorgeous; the mid-afternoon sun shining made everything absolutely beautiful. There were no issues from Oceanside to Union Station, and I remember how amazed I was when I first saw the L.A. skyline from the train. I felt small, and I marvelled at the sight. Getting off the train with time to spare to nab my connecting one, I asked which platform it was on, found it, and settled onto it after confirming it was the correct one with the conductor onboard. Once I did, I called Justin to let him know I was starting the next leg of my trek; I got his voicemail and left a message. What makes this funny is as soon as I hung up, I saw I had a new voicemail myself. Take a wild guess as to who it was. As soon as I'd finished listening to it, my phone rang, and it was Justin. We connected, made sure we were on the same schedule, and about that time the train was leaving. Once I was on my way, I changed from a shirt and shorts to a pretty blouse and miniskirt combo I'd told Justin I would wear (hey, it was easier to travel that way). I got off at Burbank/Bob Hope Airport, and instantly made it to the shadiest part of the station. I got out my phone, and was about to call Justin when I happened to spot him walking toward me. He gave me a big welcoming hug, welcomed me to Burbank for the first time, and started showing me around.
And that began one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I met some awesome people, met his parents, saw a new area, and had a lot of fun. I really don't know how else to quantify it; it was all absolutely incredible. Even looking back, it's one of my happiest recent memories, one that paved the way for several more.
And I think I'm all out of fluff for one night. Still, it felt good.
Freewrite 1/24 1 of 2: Therapy recap
This will be one of those times when I post more than one freewrite. I had a lot on my mind today that went into two separate lines of thinking, so I decided to split this freewrite into two topics. First, the 'serious' freewrite (this one), then a 'fluffier' freewrite that came to mind this afternoon. (Well, it actually came to mind last week, but came to mind again today, so into the blog it goes.)
So today, I met Ashley. Ashley is a Marriage and Family Counseling intern at the Health Center at Cypress College, and she was/hopefully is my therapist/counselor. To say she is amazing doesn't feel like it does her justice. Here, let me backtrack a bit and explain.
Before my appointment, I was feeling rather numb. Numb and thoughtful. I was thinking of everything Cindy told me/has kept telling me, and I couldn't figure things out for the life of me. It got so bad that, as I waited in the HS office for my appointment, I started to cry. I'd been able to hold things together all morning as I waited for transit, walked around applying for jobs, and as I walked around on campus, but I fell apart just before my appointment. I seemed to come back together as Ashley called me back, then I fell apart yet again as I told her what was going on with me. I told her why I was seeking help, what my goals were, and how I wanted to stop hurting myself and people who were trying to help me, all the while crying like I haven't cried in...wow, I don't even know how long. (I tend to be sensitive, but I try to hide a lot of my emotions since showing them was severely frowned upon in my origin family.)
But Ashley...she was great. She sat there and talked to me as calmly as could be. It felt like talking to someone I'd known for a while, and at times almost like I was talking with Justin or his dad about things. It was just such a comforting feeling that, even though I still couldn't keep my tears in very well, I felt like I could trust her. I told her how overwhelming everything felt for me, and she understood. She commiserated with me, saying it had to be hard to take on so much in a short amount of time, and promised she and I would work on the things I said I needed to work on. She noted my self-esteem was rather shaky, and said we would work on improving that as well.
Most of all, however, she really opened my eyes. I hadn't realized how insular I'd made myself. All this time, I thought I'd been doing well, but I was really only focusing on my own feelings, and they were really affecting me and dragging me down. They were also coloring how I was seeing/hearing/perceiving the help Cindy and others have offered me. When all they wanted was to help me, to my twisted view of things it seemed they were criticizing me. How effed is that on my part?
So I spoke with Cindy, exactly as I told Ashley I would. I apologized for the utterly ungrateful bitch I've been toward her, and told her I WILL be stepping up from here on out. I WILL put out 5000% toward job hunting AND toward making amends for having violated her trust so badly. I'm not proud of having done so, and I'm going to work on fixing that and making it into something positive. Understandably, Cindy doesn't believe me, but that makes me want to work even harder to show her that I have started down the right path, that I WILL get better, and that I WILL do whatever it takes to make things as right as possible. I still have a lot of work to do, and I've been a damn idiot and wasted a lot of time, but I'm going to do my best to get where I need to get.
I also began to realize a little just how my behavior has affected my relationship with Justin. It'll take a bit more work, but I'm confident that I can turn around and be someone much better for him. He deserves that much from me, after all. (We focused on the whole thing with Cindy, and my lowered motivation, and other issues related to that this session. But I hope to work more on things relating to my relationship with Justin very soon. I can't wait!)
And that's been that. My energy level is still good, and I wrote this entire freewrite/recap combo with a huge smile on my face. (Remember, yesterday's freewrite ended with me pondering how long it would be before I could write a freewrite entry without crying.)
So today, I met Ashley. Ashley is a Marriage and Family Counseling intern at the Health Center at Cypress College, and she was/hopefully is my therapist/counselor. To say she is amazing doesn't feel like it does her justice. Here, let me backtrack a bit and explain.
Before my appointment, I was feeling rather numb. Numb and thoughtful. I was thinking of everything Cindy told me/has kept telling me, and I couldn't figure things out for the life of me. It got so bad that, as I waited in the HS office for my appointment, I started to cry. I'd been able to hold things together all morning as I waited for transit, walked around applying for jobs, and as I walked around on campus, but I fell apart just before my appointment. I seemed to come back together as Ashley called me back, then I fell apart yet again as I told her what was going on with me. I told her why I was seeking help, what my goals were, and how I wanted to stop hurting myself and people who were trying to help me, all the while crying like I haven't cried in...wow, I don't even know how long. (I tend to be sensitive, but I try to hide a lot of my emotions since showing them was severely frowned upon in my origin family.)
But Ashley...she was great. She sat there and talked to me as calmly as could be. It felt like talking to someone I'd known for a while, and at times almost like I was talking with Justin or his dad about things. It was just such a comforting feeling that, even though I still couldn't keep my tears in very well, I felt like I could trust her. I told her how overwhelming everything felt for me, and she understood. She commiserated with me, saying it had to be hard to take on so much in a short amount of time, and promised she and I would work on the things I said I needed to work on. She noted my self-esteem was rather shaky, and said we would work on improving that as well.
Most of all, however, she really opened my eyes. I hadn't realized how insular I'd made myself. All this time, I thought I'd been doing well, but I was really only focusing on my own feelings, and they were really affecting me and dragging me down. They were also coloring how I was seeing/hearing/perceiving the help Cindy and others have offered me. When all they wanted was to help me, to my twisted view of things it seemed they were criticizing me. How effed is that on my part?
So I spoke with Cindy, exactly as I told Ashley I would. I apologized for the utterly ungrateful bitch I've been toward her, and told her I WILL be stepping up from here on out. I WILL put out 5000% toward job hunting AND toward making amends for having violated her trust so badly. I'm not proud of having done so, and I'm going to work on fixing that and making it into something positive. Understandably, Cindy doesn't believe me, but that makes me want to work even harder to show her that I have started down the right path, that I WILL get better, and that I WILL do whatever it takes to make things as right as possible. I still have a lot of work to do, and I've been a damn idiot and wasted a lot of time, but I'm going to do my best to get where I need to get.
I also began to realize a little just how my behavior has affected my relationship with Justin. It'll take a bit more work, but I'm confident that I can turn around and be someone much better for him. He deserves that much from me, after all. (We focused on the whole thing with Cindy, and my lowered motivation, and other issues related to that this session. But I hope to work more on things relating to my relationship with Justin very soon. I can't wait!)
And that's been that. My energy level is still good, and I wrote this entire freewrite/recap combo with a huge smile on my face. (Remember, yesterday's freewrite ended with me pondering how long it would be before I could write a freewrite entry without crying.)
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Freewrite 1/23: Complicated.
(To make sure I freewrite once per day, I'm going to date my freewrite entries from today forward.)
I've been feeling very mixed today, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Luckily, the physical discomfort was short-lived, so I can focus on the other two things that have kept me a bit down today.
The biggest thing on my mind is my lacking motivation in my job search. It's pissing Cindy off that I don't seem to be taking my job hunt seriously, and I really don't blame her. And the thing is, I'm not sure why my motivation in this regard is flagging so badly (which is why I plan on making work on it a priority with the therapist). It could be as simple as discouragement. I've been out of steady employment for a year now, and every time I apply for a job that doesn't pan out, it drops my enthusiasm by a tiny fraction. Kinda like developing a tiny hairline crack in a piece of glass, with sufficient stress and time that little crack gets bigger. In much the same way, my enthusiasm has been dropping in tiny increments every time something doesn't pan out. The problem is I haven't been able to bounce back as readily as I have in the past. Why? I'm not sure, but I hope to figure it out and work through it to get back where I need to be.
Another thing that came to mind this morning is how much I question my own value, and wonder if I'm merely some expendable pawn in life. Growing up, I always felt like there was little in my life I could truly control for myself, it felt like there was always a plan for me that I had to follow. It always felt like my sister was the 'good' one, the one who followed the 'perfect' path and turned out good. I've always felt like the 'bad' one, the one who never took the 'right' path. If anything happened to me, would anyone really care? My family has their 'good' child, what do they need me for? As good as I always try to be, I inevitably screw something up in a way that makes someone angry with me, so why should I even bother trying anymore?
I know giving up isn't an option, but the learning is so hard. And even when I am learning, I feel like I'm not learning fast enough, like one day I'm going to screw things up irreparably and that'll be the end of it. I hate to sound so negative, but it scares me.
In other thoughts, I hope the day comes that I can sit down and do one of these freewrites without crying through almost the entire process. Right now, writing this feels as painless as pulling a shard of glass out of my chest, only to reach back into the wound for the next one. Damn it all, how long is this process going to be this painful?
All I can do is keep pushing forward. It's the only way I'll heal. I just wish it didn't hurt this much.
I've been feeling very mixed today, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Luckily, the physical discomfort was short-lived, so I can focus on the other two things that have kept me a bit down today.
The biggest thing on my mind is my lacking motivation in my job search. It's pissing Cindy off that I don't seem to be taking my job hunt seriously, and I really don't blame her. And the thing is, I'm not sure why my motivation in this regard is flagging so badly (which is why I plan on making work on it a priority with the therapist). It could be as simple as discouragement. I've been out of steady employment for a year now, and every time I apply for a job that doesn't pan out, it drops my enthusiasm by a tiny fraction. Kinda like developing a tiny hairline crack in a piece of glass, with sufficient stress and time that little crack gets bigger. In much the same way, my enthusiasm has been dropping in tiny increments every time something doesn't pan out. The problem is I haven't been able to bounce back as readily as I have in the past. Why? I'm not sure, but I hope to figure it out and work through it to get back where I need to be.
Another thing that came to mind this morning is how much I question my own value, and wonder if I'm merely some expendable pawn in life. Growing up, I always felt like there was little in my life I could truly control for myself, it felt like there was always a plan for me that I had to follow. It always felt like my sister was the 'good' one, the one who followed the 'perfect' path and turned out good. I've always felt like the 'bad' one, the one who never took the 'right' path. If anything happened to me, would anyone really care? My family has their 'good' child, what do they need me for? As good as I always try to be, I inevitably screw something up in a way that makes someone angry with me, so why should I even bother trying anymore?
I know giving up isn't an option, but the learning is so hard. And even when I am learning, I feel like I'm not learning fast enough, like one day I'm going to screw things up irreparably and that'll be the end of it. I hate to sound so negative, but it scares me.
In other thoughts, I hope the day comes that I can sit down and do one of these freewrites without crying through almost the entire process. Right now, writing this feels as painless as pulling a shard of glass out of my chest, only to reach back into the wound for the next one. Damn it all, how long is this process going to be this painful?
All I can do is keep pushing forward. It's the only way I'll heal. I just wish it didn't hurt this much.
Goals for therapy
Since I plan on starting officially with my therapy tomorrow, I wanted to cross-post a list I wrote out last Thursday after making my appointment. They are things I want to work with the therapist on, in the hopes of improving myself for my own sake and the sake of those around me. None of these are 'easy' or 'quick' fixes; with time I will improve. Stand with me.
So, here goes:
~Breaking down unneeded self-preservation behaviors. I have a lot of behaviors that I'm ashamed to say are still lingering. (Yes, this includes my lying.) As much as I've tried to dispel them on my own, they're persistent behaviors that I need help to get rid of.
~Improving my communication skills with others. I'm not sure whether it's pride, intimidation, or a combination of factors causing this one. But when I need something, I find I get scared of asking people for fear of what their reaction will be. (This will be a topic all its own in time.) I'd really like to no longer have that hurdle in the way of my asking for help.
~Work on my coping skills/emotional responses. Justin has mentioned to me several times that I tend to overreact emotionally to things, or make a big deal out of a minor disappointment. This is something I've struggled with for some time with limited success, but I want this go-around to be different. I want to better emotionally handle when life throws me a screwball, no matter what the size.
~Get past the 'old garbage' in my life. The feeling that I'm punishing myself and those around me for what I've gone through prior to now came to me. That's totally not fair on my part, so I'm going to fix it once and for all.
~Be more emotionally/mentally independant. Continuing with one of my posts from yesterday, I really need to learn to stand on my own. Justin is right, I need to learn not to rely on him so much for my day-to-day functioning.
~Fix my wonky motivation. I've noticed that I have super-high 'I can do anything!!!!!!!!!!' motivation when I'm at school and doing school-related things, but when it comes to other aspects in my life (namely, my ongoing job-hunt) my motivation is flagging. This is totally unacceptable for me -especially in light of the promise I made to Cindy-, and I'm going to work on repairing it.
None of this will be easy, but I'm going to say right here that I'm going to put 155% effort into every appointment. I'm going to work as hard as I can to improve myself, no matter what. I swear it.
So, here goes:
~Breaking down unneeded self-preservation behaviors. I have a lot of behaviors that I'm ashamed to say are still lingering. (Yes, this includes my lying.) As much as I've tried to dispel them on my own, they're persistent behaviors that I need help to get rid of.
~Improving my communication skills with others. I'm not sure whether it's pride, intimidation, or a combination of factors causing this one. But when I need something, I find I get scared of asking people for fear of what their reaction will be. (This will be a topic all its own in time.) I'd really like to no longer have that hurdle in the way of my asking for help.
~Work on my coping skills/emotional responses. Justin has mentioned to me several times that I tend to overreact emotionally to things, or make a big deal out of a minor disappointment. This is something I've struggled with for some time with limited success, but I want this go-around to be different. I want to better emotionally handle when life throws me a screwball, no matter what the size.
~Get past the 'old garbage' in my life. The feeling that I'm punishing myself and those around me for what I've gone through prior to now came to me. That's totally not fair on my part, so I'm going to fix it once and for all.
~Be more emotionally/mentally independant. Continuing with one of my posts from yesterday, I really need to learn to stand on my own. Justin is right, I need to learn not to rely on him so much for my day-to-day functioning.
~Fix my wonky motivation. I've noticed that I have super-high 'I can do anything!!!!!!!!!!' motivation when I'm at school and doing school-related things, but when it comes to other aspects in my life (namely, my ongoing job-hunt) my motivation is flagging. This is totally unacceptable for me -especially in light of the promise I made to Cindy-, and I'm going to work on repairing it.
None of this will be easy, but I'm going to say right here that I'm going to put 155% effort into every appointment. I'm going to work as hard as I can to improve myself, no matter what. I swear it.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Odds and Ends
I meant to do this last night, but I was so worn out by the time I thought of it that I put it off until today. I hope this provides something of a window into why I wanted to do this.
Some of it can be attributed to Justin. He's encouraged/pestered me to write about my feelings and my thoughts, so I get rid of the burden if nothing else. I'd thought about simply tacking on as a guest blogger on another blog I frequent, but I decided to take Justin's suggestion and start my own space. So here it is.
How often will I write? Depends on the day and my mind and mood. Some days I'll have a ton on my mind, so I might write three or four posts in a day. Other days I'll literally have nothing on my mind, so I'll only post once. Generally I'll still try to write even on days when I have nothing 'good' to say. (I do still have tons of stories to share, after all.)
Feel free to ask me questions, either here or on my FB page. Be advised, however, that I might have to decline queries at times due to their nature. If I'm triggered by a question, I'll initially abstain from answering, at least until I feel like I can do so without falling apart.
Rats, I'm getting rambly. Back on track.
In short, I ask humbly for respect and courtesy. I have a LOT that feels wrong with me, and I would be grateful for simple courtesy as I go through this journey. I hope to help others as I help myself, but I find I'm reluctant to write if I feel like I'll be attacked. It's all personal, it's all been private, and it all can trigger me. Hang in there with me.
And of course, ask if you feel the need to. (Sorry for the redundancy, I felt it warranted repeating.)
Some of it can be attributed to Justin. He's encouraged/pestered me to write about my feelings and my thoughts, so I get rid of the burden if nothing else. I'd thought about simply tacking on as a guest blogger on another blog I frequent, but I decided to take Justin's suggestion and start my own space. So here it is.
How often will I write? Depends on the day and my mind and mood. Some days I'll have a ton on my mind, so I might write three or four posts in a day. Other days I'll literally have nothing on my mind, so I'll only post once. Generally I'll still try to write even on days when I have nothing 'good' to say. (I do still have tons of stories to share, after all.)
Feel free to ask me questions, either here or on my FB page. Be advised, however, that I might have to decline queries at times due to their nature. If I'm triggered by a question, I'll initially abstain from answering, at least until I feel like I can do so without falling apart.
Rats, I'm getting rambly. Back on track.
In short, I ask humbly for respect and courtesy. I have a LOT that feels wrong with me, and I would be grateful for simple courtesy as I go through this journey. I hope to help others as I help myself, but I find I'm reluctant to write if I feel like I'll be attacked. It's all personal, it's all been private, and it all can trigger me. Hang in there with me.
And of course, ask if you feel the need to. (Sorry for the redundancy, I felt it warranted repeating.)
'I send the pain below...much like suffocating'
Today was...mixed for me. Filling out applications was productive, so points there for me. Yet emotionally I was up, down and sideways from about 10:30 this morning until even now. Why? Who knows. I've pondered it all day and still don't have a concrete answer myself (another query to take up with the therapist, methinks).
Some of it was related to Justin. Here I was in a new situation (to me, at least), and I started wanting him to be there. I then asked myself 'Why?', but couldn't think of an answer. I've always believed that I'm only as far away from him as I perceive myself to be (in other words, we're only as far apart as we believe our hearts to be and other sentimental stuffs), and as long as he's there for me I'm never truly alone. Yet, I always have this desire to do things with him, particularly when they're new experiences for me. Part of it is wanting to share these experiences with someone I love, but part of it is the security aspect as well. I feel safe and secure when he's around, which is helpful when I'm still getting my bearings in an area that's new to me. But he can't always physically be there to hold my hand and help guide me through things. My constant cravings for him to be at my side aren't doing me any favors, and I'm sure he ain't too pleased with it either. I hope with time, therapy, acclimation, and anything else beneficial that I'll be able to shake that need. Loath as I've been in the past to label it as such, I think I have been addicted to that secure feeling his company gives me, so working to free myself from that dependance -hard as the work might be- will only be helpful in the long run.
I can label one other thing that negatively affected my mood today. While at the mall job-hunting, I walked into the pet store. It generally brings my mood up to go into one, and that was what I was hoping this time as well. No dice, needless to say. They had a Cairn Terrier puppy for adoption that was the same age Izzie was when my parents first brought her home. I admit it, I started to fall apart. (Hell, I tear up right now recalling it!) I miss the girls very much, I miss home and my parents when I let myself. I sometimes feel alone and isolated and scared and not sure whom I can trust. Hell there are days I feel like I can't trust myself, let alone anyone around me. In the past, I would stuff down those emotions until I could let them out when I was in private; well, I think I ran out of room to 'send the pain below' a while ago.
(Trigger warning for self-harm in the next paragraph. Apologies to anyone sensitive.)
In short, I feel like I'm an adult who has no idea how to be an adult, but can't let that ignorance show. I sometimes feel...trapped. And I admit, there are days when I have to force myself not to think about going into the kitchen, cutting every exposed blood vessel in my arms, and sitting while I bleed out.
Gods, help me to get through my healing. 'Cause I'm not sure at times that I can do it myself.
Some of it was related to Justin. Here I was in a new situation (to me, at least), and I started wanting him to be there. I then asked myself 'Why?', but couldn't think of an answer. I've always believed that I'm only as far away from him as I perceive myself to be (in other words, we're only as far apart as we believe our hearts to be and other sentimental stuffs), and as long as he's there for me I'm never truly alone. Yet, I always have this desire to do things with him, particularly when they're new experiences for me. Part of it is wanting to share these experiences with someone I love, but part of it is the security aspect as well. I feel safe and secure when he's around, which is helpful when I'm still getting my bearings in an area that's new to me. But he can't always physically be there to hold my hand and help guide me through things. My constant cravings for him to be at my side aren't doing me any favors, and I'm sure he ain't too pleased with it either. I hope with time, therapy, acclimation, and anything else beneficial that I'll be able to shake that need. Loath as I've been in the past to label it as such, I think I have been addicted to that secure feeling his company gives me, so working to free myself from that dependance -hard as the work might be- will only be helpful in the long run.
I can label one other thing that negatively affected my mood today. While at the mall job-hunting, I walked into the pet store. It generally brings my mood up to go into one, and that was what I was hoping this time as well. No dice, needless to say. They had a Cairn Terrier puppy for adoption that was the same age Izzie was when my parents first brought her home. I admit it, I started to fall apart. (Hell, I tear up right now recalling it!) I miss the girls very much, I miss home and my parents when I let myself. I sometimes feel alone and isolated and scared and not sure whom I can trust. Hell there are days I feel like I can't trust myself, let alone anyone around me. In the past, I would stuff down those emotions until I could let them out when I was in private; well, I think I ran out of room to 'send the pain below' a while ago.
(Trigger warning for self-harm in the next paragraph. Apologies to anyone sensitive.)
In short, I feel like I'm an adult who has no idea how to be an adult, but can't let that ignorance show. I sometimes feel...trapped. And I admit, there are days when I have to force myself not to think about going into the kitchen, cutting every exposed blood vessel in my arms, and sitting while I bleed out.
Gods, help me to get through my healing. 'Cause I'm not sure at times that I can do it myself.
Lies and the lying liars who lie
Justin made me think of this topic, so my other topic will be today's second post.
I am a liar. I'll admit it right upfront. Now, before anyone says 'But Andrea, aren't we all in some way?' I'll tell you how I'm different. I'm a liar because I am afraid. I'm a liar because I don't know how to tell people things that are less than pleasant. I lie because I'm trying to protect myself. Yes, even away from the circumstances that encouraged the development of this trait, it's still manifesting.
And that's what pushed me to seek therapy. That's the last straw that made me go 'Okay, enough putting it off. I'm going to get help, like, yesterday'. Seeing how I hurt someone who has tried her damndest to help me hurt me more than I can really articulate. I had no reason to, yet I did. It's an asinine self-defense mechanism that I can't get rid of, kinda like trying to pry apart two things held together with Super Glue.
I made a list that I'll eventually put up on here tomorrow. It's a list of what I want to get out of my sessions. And one of those items is to figure out how to break down these old mechanisms so I stop relying on them. I don't need them, and in fact I need to get rid of them in a hurry. But it's not a process I can do alone; it's so ingrained in me that I need help getting rid of it.
I am a liar. I'll admit it right upfront. Now, before anyone says 'But Andrea, aren't we all in some way?' I'll tell you how I'm different. I'm a liar because I am afraid. I'm a liar because I don't know how to tell people things that are less than pleasant. I lie because I'm trying to protect myself. Yes, even away from the circumstances that encouraged the development of this trait, it's still manifesting.
And that's what pushed me to seek therapy. That's the last straw that made me go 'Okay, enough putting it off. I'm going to get help, like, yesterday'. Seeing how I hurt someone who has tried her damndest to help me hurt me more than I can really articulate. I had no reason to, yet I did. It's an asinine self-defense mechanism that I can't get rid of, kinda like trying to pry apart two things held together with Super Glue.
I made a list that I'll eventually put up on here tomorrow. It's a list of what I want to get out of my sessions. And one of those items is to figure out how to break down these old mechanisms so I stop relying on them. I don't need them, and in fact I need to get rid of them in a hurry. But it's not a process I can do alone; it's so ingrained in me that I need help getting rid of it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
...A Single Step
As much as I hate to start off a new blogspace with a seemingly-cliche quote, I feel this one fits. Especially in the spirit of why I created this space.
They always say 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'. Some also look favorable upon those of us who write with the intent of helping others along with ourselves. And that's why I started this, in a nutshell and with great encouragement.
Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? After all, with few exceptions most people stumbling on this space for the first time won't know me. Sorry about that. Here, let me start over.
As you'll likely notice during my upcoming writings, my name is Andrea. I'm a 28 year-old southern California gal in love with life (though I tend to have the weirdest ways of showing it.). I'm never quite sure how to quantify myself, though I'm sure there are more than enough people who know me well enough to do so easily. My original base of operations (AKA home) is Ramona, CA. For those not in the know, Ramona is a little country town about an hour or so outside of San Diego. In spite of its size and distance from anything of particular use, it was a great place for me to grow up. In addition to my parents (and their little dogs), I have an older sister who is in every way the 'good' one of the two of us. She's already settled in her own house with her husband, her college education (including MBA!) complete. I can't hate her for succeeding in her path, but it's not the path for this girl.
My current status? I'm a bit further to the north 'seeking myself', as it were. Okay, I'll admit it. As of the writing of this entry, I live with a friend of mine in Azusa, CA (near Pasadena) while I attend classes at Cypress College for my Mortuary Science degree. I just started the program this week, and I'm really enjoying it so far. The instructors rock, the material is fascinating, and I'm already meeting new people and regaining my prior, somewhat more-sociable nature.
Why did I choose this path? Well, I hate oversharing on the first encounter, but I will say that the environment I was in back home was...less than optimal, to put it mildly. (Those who know me, feel free to laugh at my understatement.) The less-sugarcoated version? Well, I'm not quite ready tonight to share that. But with time, I promise I'll tell more. This blog is part of the healing process, after all.
You know, for not generally knowing what to write when I start a blog, I sure do say a lot. I'll leave this here for tonight and write the next part tomorrow when I have a better idea of how to articulate my thinking. Much love, everyone.
They always say 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'. Some also look favorable upon those of us who write with the intent of helping others along with ourselves. And that's why I started this, in a nutshell and with great encouragement.
Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? After all, with few exceptions most people stumbling on this space for the first time won't know me. Sorry about that. Here, let me start over.
As you'll likely notice during my upcoming writings, my name is Andrea. I'm a 28 year-old southern California gal in love with life (though I tend to have the weirdest ways of showing it.). I'm never quite sure how to quantify myself, though I'm sure there are more than enough people who know me well enough to do so easily. My original base of operations (AKA home) is Ramona, CA. For those not in the know, Ramona is a little country town about an hour or so outside of San Diego. In spite of its size and distance from anything of particular use, it was a great place for me to grow up. In addition to my parents (and their little dogs), I have an older sister who is in every way the 'good' one of the two of us. She's already settled in her own house with her husband, her college education (including MBA!) complete. I can't hate her for succeeding in her path, but it's not the path for this girl.
My current status? I'm a bit further to the north 'seeking myself', as it were. Okay, I'll admit it. As of the writing of this entry, I live with a friend of mine in Azusa, CA (near Pasadena) while I attend classes at Cypress College for my Mortuary Science degree. I just started the program this week, and I'm really enjoying it so far. The instructors rock, the material is fascinating, and I'm already meeting new people and regaining my prior, somewhat more-sociable nature.
Why did I choose this path? Well, I hate oversharing on the first encounter, but I will say that the environment I was in back home was...less than optimal, to put it mildly. (Those who know me, feel free to laugh at my understatement.) The less-sugarcoated version? Well, I'm not quite ready tonight to share that. But with time, I promise I'll tell more. This blog is part of the healing process, after all.
You know, for not generally knowing what to write when I start a blog, I sure do say a lot. I'll leave this here for tonight and write the next part tomorrow when I have a better idea of how to articulate my thinking. Much love, everyone.
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