This will be one of those times when I post more than one freewrite. I had a lot on my mind today that went into two separate lines of thinking, so I decided to split this freewrite into two topics. First, the 'serious' freewrite (this one), then a 'fluffier' freewrite that came to mind this afternoon. (Well, it actually came to mind last week, but came to mind again today, so into the blog it goes.)
So today, I met Ashley. Ashley is a Marriage and Family Counseling intern at the Health Center at Cypress College, and she was/hopefully is my therapist/counselor. To say she is amazing doesn't feel like it does her justice. Here, let me backtrack a bit and explain.
Before my appointment, I was feeling rather numb. Numb and thoughtful. I was thinking of everything Cindy told me/has kept telling me, and I couldn't figure things out for the life of me. It got so bad that, as I waited in the HS office for my appointment, I started to cry. I'd been able to hold things together all morning as I waited for transit, walked around applying for jobs, and as I walked around on campus, but I fell apart just before my appointment. I seemed to come back together as Ashley called me back, then I fell apart yet again as I told her what was going on with me. I told her why I was seeking help, what my goals were, and how I wanted to stop hurting myself and people who were trying to help me, all the while crying like I haven't cried in...wow, I don't even know how long. (I tend to be sensitive, but I try to hide a lot of my emotions since showing them was severely frowned upon in my origin family.)
But Ashley...she was great. She sat there and talked to me as calmly as could be. It felt like talking to someone I'd known for a while, and at times almost like I was talking with Justin or his dad about things. It was just such a comforting feeling that, even though I still couldn't keep my tears in very well, I felt like I could trust her. I told her how overwhelming everything felt for me, and she understood. She commiserated with me, saying it had to be hard to take on so much in a short amount of time, and promised she and I would work on the things I said I needed to work on. She noted my self-esteem was rather shaky, and said we would work on improving that as well.
Most of all, however, she really opened my eyes. I hadn't realized how insular I'd made myself. All this time, I thought I'd been doing well, but I was really only focusing on my own feelings, and they were really affecting me and dragging me down. They were also coloring how I was seeing/hearing/perceiving the help Cindy and others have offered me. When all they wanted was to help me, to my twisted view of things it seemed they were criticizing me. How effed is that on my part?
So I spoke with Cindy, exactly as I told Ashley I would. I apologized for the utterly ungrateful bitch I've been toward her, and told her I WILL be stepping up from here on out. I WILL put out 5000% toward job hunting AND toward making amends for having violated her trust so badly. I'm not proud of having done so, and I'm going to work on fixing that and making it into something positive. Understandably, Cindy doesn't believe me, but that makes me want to work even harder to show her that I have started down the right path, that I WILL get better, and that I WILL do whatever it takes to make things as right as possible. I still have a lot of work to do, and I've been a damn idiot and wasted a lot of time, but I'm going to do my best to get where I need to get.
I also began to realize a little just how my behavior has affected my relationship with Justin. It'll take a bit more work, but I'm confident that I can turn around and be someone much better for him. He deserves that much from me, after all. (We focused on the whole thing with Cindy, and my lowered motivation, and other issues related to that this session. But I hope to work more on things relating to my relationship with Justin very soon. I can't wait!)
And that's been that. My energy level is still good, and I wrote this entire freewrite/recap combo with a huge smile on my face. (Remember, yesterday's freewrite ended with me pondering how long it would be before I could write a freewrite entry without crying.)
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