Freewrite 1/25: On Grief and Grieving

Sometimes, I think I'm in the right line of study, considering what I left behind when I moved up here.  I was sitting in Thanatology I (Thanatology is the study of grief/mourning/bereavement/everything affiliated with it.  It's a very interesting blend of Psychology/Sociology) when Professor Bower mentioned the saying of how we all have 'a thousand little deaths each day' (to paraphrase).  And I got to thinking about that, both as I sat in class and as I made my way home.  It doesn't explain all of my recent shit behavior, but it does explain a lot of my depressive feelings.  At least, in my mind it does.

See, I've been grieving.  I've been grieving about the home and the family I left in Ramona.  Now, some of you will likely chime in at this point and say, 'But, Andrea!  That wasn't a healthy situation at all for you.  Why are you grieving for it?' or some permutation thereof, amirite?  Well, remember that, until a month or so ago, that was the only home I really knew.  That was the only family I really knew, screwed-up as they are.  The house I left I had lived in since I was six years old.  The town I left I had spent my entire life living in.  Naturally, it's going to be fundamentally hard to let that all go.  It's going to be hard to walk away from everything that was known and familiar to me, even if it is for a better opportunity.  A part of me will always be there, just as I'm sure anyone who has ever moved a considerable distance from home will always have some small portion of themselves back in their 'roots', as it were.

But I hope that this process benefits me in my chosen field.  See, grief is kind of part and parcel of the whole funeral/mortuary deal, and I hope that my grieving for the things I miss back home will help me be more understanding and empathic toward people who are hurting.  It may not be for the same reasons, but it's grief nonetheless.

Without attempting to jinx anything, I really hope to have good news soon.  I had some good things happen today, and I'm praying (in my own way, since I ain't the praying type) that they work out.  They'll go a long way toward helping me with a lot of what I'm dealing with.  Fingers crossed.