Today was...mixed for me. Filling out applications was productive, so points there for me. Yet emotionally I was up, down and sideways from about 10:30 this morning until even now. Why? Who knows. I've pondered it all day and still don't have a concrete answer myself (another query to take up with the therapist, methinks).
Some of it was related to Justin. Here I was in a new situation (to me, at least), and I started wanting him to be there. I then asked myself 'Why?', but couldn't think of an answer. I've always believed that I'm only as far away from him as I perceive myself to be (in other words, we're only as far apart as we believe our hearts to be and other sentimental stuffs), and as long as he's there for me I'm never truly alone. Yet, I always have this desire to do things with him, particularly when they're new experiences for me. Part of it is wanting to share these experiences with someone I love, but part of it is the security aspect as well. I feel safe and secure when he's around, which is helpful when I'm still getting my bearings in an area that's new to me. But he can't always physically be there to hold my hand and help guide me through things. My constant cravings for him to be at my side aren't doing me any favors, and I'm sure he ain't too pleased with it either. I hope with time, therapy, acclimation, and anything else beneficial that I'll be able to shake that need. Loath as I've been in the past to label it as such, I think I have been addicted to that secure feeling his company gives me, so working to free myself from that dependance -hard as the work might be- will only be helpful in the long run.
I can label one other thing that negatively affected my mood today. While at the mall job-hunting, I walked into the pet store. It generally brings my mood up to go into one, and that was what I was hoping this time as well. No dice, needless to say. They had a Cairn Terrier puppy for adoption that was the same age Izzie was when my parents first brought her home. I admit it, I started to fall apart. (Hell, I tear up right now recalling it!) I miss the girls very much, I miss home and my parents when I let myself. I sometimes feel alone and isolated and scared and not sure whom I can trust. Hell there are days I feel like I can't trust myself, let alone anyone around me. In the past, I would stuff down those emotions until I could let them out when I was in private; well, I think I ran out of room to 'send the pain below' a while ago.
(Trigger warning for self-harm in the next paragraph. Apologies to anyone sensitive.)
In short, I feel like I'm an adult who has no idea how to be an adult, but can't let that ignorance show. I sometimes feel...trapped. And I admit, there are days when I have to force myself not to think about going into the kitchen, cutting every exposed blood vessel in my arms, and sitting while I bleed out.
Gods, help me to get through my healing. 'Cause I'm not sure at times that I can do it myself.
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