Freewrite 1/23: Complicated.

(To make sure I freewrite once per day, I'm going to date my freewrite entries from today forward.)

I've been feeling very mixed today, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Luckily, the physical discomfort was short-lived, so I can focus on the other two things that have kept me a bit down today.

The biggest thing on my mind is my lacking motivation in my job search.  It's pissing Cindy off that I don't seem to be taking my job hunt seriously, and I really don't blame her.  And the thing is, I'm not sure why my motivation in this regard is flagging so badly (which is why I plan on making work on it a priority with the therapist).  It could be as simple as discouragement.  I've been out of steady employment for a year now, and every time I apply for a job that doesn't pan out, it drops my enthusiasm by a tiny fraction.  Kinda like developing a tiny hairline crack in a piece of glass, with sufficient stress and time that little crack gets bigger.  In much the same way, my enthusiasm has been dropping in tiny increments every time something doesn't pan out.  The problem is I haven't been able to bounce back as readily as I have in the past.  Why?  I'm not sure, but I hope to figure it out and work through it to get back where I need to be.

Another thing that came to mind this morning is how much I question my own value, and wonder if I'm merely some expendable pawn in life.  Growing up, I always felt like there was little in my life I could truly control for myself, it felt like there was always a plan for me that I had to follow.  It always felt like my sister was the 'good' one, the one who followed the 'perfect' path and turned out good.  I've always felt like the 'bad' one, the one who never took the 'right' path.  If anything happened to me, would anyone really care?  My family has their 'good' child, what do they need me for?  As good as I always try to be, I inevitably screw something up in a way that makes someone angry with me, so why should I even bother trying anymore?

I know giving up isn't an option, but the learning is so hard.  And even when I am learning, I feel like I'm not learning fast enough, like one day I'm going to screw things up irreparably and that'll be the end of it.  I hate to sound so negative, but it scares me.

In other thoughts, I hope the day comes that I can sit down and do one of these freewrites without crying through almost the entire process.  Right now, writing this feels as painless as pulling a shard of glass out of my chest, only to reach back into the wound for the next one.  Damn it all, how long is this process going to be this painful?

All I can do is keep pushing forward.  It's the only way I'll heal.  I just wish it didn't hurt this much.