I find that my mind works in rather strange ways. It seems it needs to constantly have some purpose or other, otherwise it tends to meander and do its own thing. Kinda like daydreaming, only ratcheted up to about ten or eleven.
Why does this come to mind, as it were? Well, I was pondering why I appear to miss Justin as much as it seems I do. Every so often, I'll just think out of the blue about how much I miss him and want to see him. I'll then ask myself 'Why? Why is this so important all of a sudden?' (or some variant thereof) and the thought subsides, only to resurface at a later point in time.
Now, don't get me wrong. It's not all bad. There are times when thinking about him and wanting to be with him are good things, like when I'm alone and desire some company. When it starts to get annoying is when it's a constant idle thought, when I can barely sit for five minutes without pondering how much I wish I could see him. The funny thing is, it's not even anything critical or life-or-death I think of, merely spending time with him. Still, it is a pain.
If I'm going to keep on trucking through the next few months without completely losing my senses, I really need to get this in hand. I'll have to think of a way to do so, mayhaps other types of writings might help steer my focus properly at idle times. (Also, I miss writing letters by hand. I wonder if my sending an occasional handwritten letter would be appreciated?)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Freewrite 2/27: A Label.
(Before I start this writing off, a couple bits of caution from this girl. This post may be anecdote-heavy. Justin has told me I should write my memoirs, I have so many stories and anecdotes I can share pretty much on a whim. This is no exception, only I'm also adding a bit of caution for pain squick. If reading about things that cause physical pain squicks you, well, tread carefully below. With that said, on with the post.)
It's official. I have a way to describe how emotional healing/withdrawal/Gods only know what else feels like.
Want to know?
It feels much as it did every time I had to head to the dentist and have one (or a few) extractions of the thirteen total baby teeth I had to have pulled (sixteen if you add in the three wisdom teeth that I had to have removed when I was 20. Damn, I have serious issues with my bite.). It seriously sucked pretty much every time, trust me there. And the whole emotional healing/withdrawal feeling felt about like that. Like someone was taking an especially sharp shard of somethingorother and was working it out of my chest, replete with the requisite pain that goes along with it. (Yes, emotionally it was every bit as painful as it sounds, why do you ask?) But at least it doesn't hurt the way it did earlier, when I had to take a few minutes away at work to regain my composure. I really hate when I do that, but I felt a lot better for it.
There's still a lot of answers that I'm not totally certain on. Like why someone like me suddenly turned into a clingy girl who always has to see her boyfriend. That normally isn't me by any means. The only thing I can think is that Justin has offered me a sense of stability that I've needed over the past year or so. Now I'm starting to let myself feel a bit more stable, so that means I can actually start letting myself stand on my own again. (I think also I got carried away with the 'I have a boyfriend, I have to take care of him!' thing. Still, as long as I can take care of him here and there, I shouldn't have an issue with it.) I haven't let myself see how safe and stable things are now, and it's cost me in some ways.
Speaking of him, I have to say I'm grateful that he's willing to step back and let me find my footing without totally breaking things off. I also appreciate that he stepped up and apologized for his behavior a few weeks ago. He acknowledged that he made a mistake, and he was apologetic. I remember that was really about all I asked from him, so all is good. I'm also glad we're on the same page with seeing and interacting with one another. I hope we can spend a little time together here and there, and I hope things pan out to where we can talk on a once-weekly basis, at least for now. Once I'm a bit stronger, we can work from there.
And now, my last thought.
I realized something while I was keeping busy at work today. (And I'm happy to say it was a very productive day for this girl.) I realized what I keep doing that holds me back. See, as long as I can remember, I've always tried to be my family's 'other' good girl. My sister fulfills the role currently, and I'm...just kinda there. I have no doubt they care about me, but I kinda feel like the spare whom no one's quite sure what to do with, so they've tried to mold me as they saw fit. But in light of more recent events, it's hard to say if they truly disapprove of what I'm doing. Are they likely disappointed? More likely than not, especially since Mortuary Science isn't exactly the most orthodox of career choices. But Mom always did stress how important she thought an education was for me, and I'm sure her approval that I'm back in school and actually working toward a tangible goal (as opposed to some nebulous 'maybe') works to somewhat mitigate any disappointment she might feel. Dad, well, I can only hope for the same.
But I need to stop this. I need to stop letting my perceptions of any disapproval/disappointment they might feel get in my way. It's a hindrance that I really don't need right now, not when I know what I need to do in order to survive up here. I need to straighten up, realize that my not always being able to please them isn't a fatal flaw in me, and stop letting it hold me back. I need to move ahead with my life and my choices; if they approve, great. If not, I have other places where I can find whatever encouragement and approval I might need. I need to let go of any perception of their disapproving of my choices, and do whatever it takes to not only survive here, but to thrive.
While I was working, I remembered a saying I read many years ago. Once I remembered it, I kept repeating it to myself. After a while, I felt good enough to sing along with the music playing over the radio at work. What was the saying? 'Yard by yard, it's too hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch.' And for me it's true. If I try to change everything about me overnight, I'll most likely fail. If I change in positive increments, I'll be a success. Just cheer me on, offer encouragement/advice/etc where you can, and I'll pull through. I know I can.
It's official. I have a way to describe how emotional healing/withdrawal/Gods only know what else feels like.
Want to know?
It feels much as it did every time I had to head to the dentist and have one (or a few) extractions of the thirteen total baby teeth I had to have pulled (sixteen if you add in the three wisdom teeth that I had to have removed when I was 20. Damn, I have serious issues with my bite.). It seriously sucked pretty much every time, trust me there. And the whole emotional healing/withdrawal feeling felt about like that. Like someone was taking an especially sharp shard of somethingorother and was working it out of my chest, replete with the requisite pain that goes along with it. (Yes, emotionally it was every bit as painful as it sounds, why do you ask?) But at least it doesn't hurt the way it did earlier, when I had to take a few minutes away at work to regain my composure. I really hate when I do that, but I felt a lot better for it.
There's still a lot of answers that I'm not totally certain on. Like why someone like me suddenly turned into a clingy girl who always has to see her boyfriend. That normally isn't me by any means. The only thing I can think is that Justin has offered me a sense of stability that I've needed over the past year or so. Now I'm starting to let myself feel a bit more stable, so that means I can actually start letting myself stand on my own again. (I think also I got carried away with the 'I have a boyfriend, I have to take care of him!' thing. Still, as long as I can take care of him here and there, I shouldn't have an issue with it.) I haven't let myself see how safe and stable things are now, and it's cost me in some ways.
Speaking of him, I have to say I'm grateful that he's willing to step back and let me find my footing without totally breaking things off. I also appreciate that he stepped up and apologized for his behavior a few weeks ago. He acknowledged that he made a mistake, and he was apologetic. I remember that was really about all I asked from him, so all is good. I'm also glad we're on the same page with seeing and interacting with one another. I hope we can spend a little time together here and there, and I hope things pan out to where we can talk on a once-weekly basis, at least for now. Once I'm a bit stronger, we can work from there.
And now, my last thought.
I realized something while I was keeping busy at work today. (And I'm happy to say it was a very productive day for this girl.) I realized what I keep doing that holds me back. See, as long as I can remember, I've always tried to be my family's 'other' good girl. My sister fulfills the role currently, and I'm...just kinda there. I have no doubt they care about me, but I kinda feel like the spare whom no one's quite sure what to do with, so they've tried to mold me as they saw fit. But in light of more recent events, it's hard to say if they truly disapprove of what I'm doing. Are they likely disappointed? More likely than not, especially since Mortuary Science isn't exactly the most orthodox of career choices. But Mom always did stress how important she thought an education was for me, and I'm sure her approval that I'm back in school and actually working toward a tangible goal (as opposed to some nebulous 'maybe') works to somewhat mitigate any disappointment she might feel. Dad, well, I can only hope for the same.
But I need to stop this. I need to stop letting my perceptions of any disapproval/disappointment they might feel get in my way. It's a hindrance that I really don't need right now, not when I know what I need to do in order to survive up here. I need to straighten up, realize that my not always being able to please them isn't a fatal flaw in me, and stop letting it hold me back. I need to move ahead with my life and my choices; if they approve, great. If not, I have other places where I can find whatever encouragement and approval I might need. I need to let go of any perception of their disapproving of my choices, and do whatever it takes to not only survive here, but to thrive.
While I was working, I remembered a saying I read many years ago. Once I remembered it, I kept repeating it to myself. After a while, I felt good enough to sing along with the music playing over the radio at work. What was the saying? 'Yard by yard, it's too hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch.' And for me it's true. If I try to change everything about me overnight, I'll most likely fail. If I change in positive increments, I'll be a success. Just cheer me on, offer encouragement/advice/etc where you can, and I'll pull through. I know I can.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Freewrite 2/26: Uncertainty
I'm really not sure what to think on things right now. It's an unusual blend of emotions that I'm feeling at this time, not all of them easy to talk about. Not even taking a few hours to unwind and fill out more job applications seems to have helped. All I can hope is that putting things down and getting some rest will help things out somewhat.
I need to work on my own emotional needs, that much I know. I also know that it'll take time to do so. But there are a few things I'm not as sure about. In order to do so properly, it seems I need to put things with Justin aside, at least for a few months. But the last time I pulled back emotionally from things, it was miserable. Granted, it wasn't for a potentially positive reason like this would be, but it wasn't anything pleasant, either, which makes me a bit averse to trying something like it again. It's not a breakup, but I'm still not sure what I'm having to deal with emotionally, it feels like there's so much. Maybe I'm just worried I'll do everything right, come out successfully in the end, but lose in the process.
Or maybe I'm just tired. I don't feel like any of it makes sense.
I need to work on my own emotional needs, that much I know. I also know that it'll take time to do so. But there are a few things I'm not as sure about. In order to do so properly, it seems I need to put things with Justin aside, at least for a few months. But the last time I pulled back emotionally from things, it was miserable. Granted, it wasn't for a potentially positive reason like this would be, but it wasn't anything pleasant, either, which makes me a bit averse to trying something like it again. It's not a breakup, but I'm still not sure what I'm having to deal with emotionally, it feels like there's so much. Maybe I'm just worried I'll do everything right, come out successfully in the end, but lose in the process.
Or maybe I'm just tired. I don't feel like any of it makes sense.
Monday, February 21, 2011
(Overdue) Freewrite 2/21: Evenness
Wow, I've really been remiss in writing in here, haven't I? Well, as I said to Justin the other day, I really haven't felt the need to write anything in here (to which he responded I should write anyway, even if it simply says 'I have nothing to write' or somesuch). So, let's see if I can't get back into the right habit of writing again, shall we?
Things have been even-to-variable on pretty much all fronts. I still get homesick here and there (more on that in a bit, it's something I plan to write on), but I manage. I'm back to job-hunting since the job I currently have has the most irregular hours and there's no guarantee that in the short-term it'll get better. Apparently, if one of my co-workers is to be believed, this is how the boss at the shop is on a regular basis. Joy. But I'm getting out and around, and feeling that much better for it. I think the fact that I landed this job has been a big shot in the arm for me confidence-wise, now I need to see if anything better shows up due to my searchings. I don't always show it outwardly, but I do have a good feeling something will help, whether I get more hours at the current gig and am able to stay, or something better shows up and I take that. I just need to keep on truckin', as it were.
School has been good, though nothing really that eventful. I will confess to one blunder I made in a post here a while back. I'd mentioned wanting to go full-time+ for the next few semesters and be done next year. In thinking about life outside of school, work possibilities, and so on, I think the best course of action for me would be not to go that route. In Fall of '09, I took 20 units while working 30 some-odd hours per week. I made it through with good grades, but it was so taxing that it didn't feel like it was worth it. Thursday I have a meeting with the Mortuary Science academic counselor, and I plan to talk with her about setting limits on what I take each semester so I can better balance things. It feels like the right choice for me to make.
Speaking of things I've decided, my homesickness made me make another decision. The way I'd been operating was a) feel homesick, b) talk with Mom, feel a bit better for a few hours, c) then gradually feel worse over time, to the point where Cindy even notices I'm sliding. So I've made the choice to limit the contact with home, at least for the time being. For whatever reason, it's not doing me any favors, and it tends to hinder the progress I'm making here. Now, that doesn't mean I'm cutting off all contact with them; I do know their e-mail address and I can still write letters and communicate with them in some ways. I just feel that phone calls aren't benefitting me at all at this point in time.
And finally (though these weren't ranked due to importance), things with Justin appear to be settling down a little. I had asked him when we might be able to spend time together again, and he seems to be going back to the way he was before. In short, he told me that it was enough for him to know that I'm doing well, moving forward, and that I care for him. He acknowledged his actions from a couple weeks ago were selfishly motivated, and that he doesn't need to be with me to feel close to me. So I'm cautiously optimistic in that regard. We'll see where things go from here.
Wow, this got long. Guess that what happens when I (erroneously) believe I have nothing to say in here. So, until tomorrow, I guess I'll close here.
Things have been even-to-variable on pretty much all fronts. I still get homesick here and there (more on that in a bit, it's something I plan to write on), but I manage. I'm back to job-hunting since the job I currently have has the most irregular hours and there's no guarantee that in the short-term it'll get better. Apparently, if one of my co-workers is to be believed, this is how the boss at the shop is on a regular basis. Joy. But I'm getting out and around, and feeling that much better for it. I think the fact that I landed this job has been a big shot in the arm for me confidence-wise, now I need to see if anything better shows up due to my searchings. I don't always show it outwardly, but I do have a good feeling something will help, whether I get more hours at the current gig and am able to stay, or something better shows up and I take that. I just need to keep on truckin', as it were.
School has been good, though nothing really that eventful. I will confess to one blunder I made in a post here a while back. I'd mentioned wanting to go full-time+ for the next few semesters and be done next year. In thinking about life outside of school, work possibilities, and so on, I think the best course of action for me would be not to go that route. In Fall of '09, I took 20 units while working 30 some-odd hours per week. I made it through with good grades, but it was so taxing that it didn't feel like it was worth it. Thursday I have a meeting with the Mortuary Science academic counselor, and I plan to talk with her about setting limits on what I take each semester so I can better balance things. It feels like the right choice for me to make.
Speaking of things I've decided, my homesickness made me make another decision. The way I'd been operating was a) feel homesick, b) talk with Mom, feel a bit better for a few hours, c) then gradually feel worse over time, to the point where Cindy even notices I'm sliding. So I've made the choice to limit the contact with home, at least for the time being. For whatever reason, it's not doing me any favors, and it tends to hinder the progress I'm making here. Now, that doesn't mean I'm cutting off all contact with them; I do know their e-mail address and I can still write letters and communicate with them in some ways. I just feel that phone calls aren't benefitting me at all at this point in time.
And finally (though these weren't ranked due to importance), things with Justin appear to be settling down a little. I had asked him when we might be able to spend time together again, and he seems to be going back to the way he was before. In short, he told me that it was enough for him to know that I'm doing well, moving forward, and that I care for him. He acknowledged his actions from a couple weeks ago were selfishly motivated, and that he doesn't need to be with me to feel close to me. So I'm cautiously optimistic in that regard. We'll see where things go from here.
Wow, this got long. Guess that what happens when I (erroneously) believe I have nothing to say in here. So, until tomorrow, I guess I'll close here.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Freewrite 2/14: Things to Improve Upon
So I've been busy these past few days. Too busy to remember to update this thing, it seems.
Justin and I spent last night and tonight together. As he drove me back here, we talked about things. My last question to him was if there were things I could improve about myself, especially now that I'm free of what hindered my progress in the past. In return, I asked him for the time I'd need in order to make such improvements. While he did tell me he would give me the time I needed to work on things, my cynical side says it'll believe that when it sees it. I think/hope/etc that he will, since I'm now on the right track.
So, here they are, in my own words. And here's hoping I can do them.
~Being more self-reliant and being able to contribute more to the relationship financially. These I lumped together since they essentially hinge on the same details. Basically, these entail my being able to work, save money, pay my own way on dates, and so on. It'll be a bit rough at first, but my first paycheck from work is this Friday, so I should be able to get started working on these then. I've been dependant on him since a) I had no job in over a year, and b) he was able and willing to help. With his own expenses increasing, it seems those paychecks will be coming in the nick of time. I also hope we can arrange a bit more time here and there to see one another. I really miss him, and I'd love to have set days/times/etc when we see each other. We'll see.
~Cut way back on the snark. I tend to tease and rag on him quite a bit. Then again, I tend to do it to a lot of people, so he's hardly the only one. It's something I tend to do affectionately, so it's tough for me to pick up at times when it's hurtful, since he doesn't always simply tell me it's bothersome until it's reached a certain point. Still, he does have a bit of a thinner skin than most do, and this is rather easy for me to accomodate (Plus, there's only one person who can rag on him to that extent. Nope, it's not me.). On a side-note, this is why being the daughter of a smart-aleck like my dad isn't such a great thing, nor is it so great when my snark comes out as a cover for insecurities or other things I'm feeling.
~Let him have his routines, and let him take care of them. This was more to do with my wanting to help him out this morning with breakfast and work-lunch packing. He has his routines, and while he appreciated my helping this morning, it wasn't much fun for him to find out I'd forgotten a couple things he normally packs. (One of which I realized after he left that I'd forgotten. Oops.) This is one where I'll leave him to it, but I also kinda hope that here and there I can help him. Like if I stay over with him on a holiday weekend, or his birthday, or some other time when I want to make things a bit more special. So this one will be easy enough to do.
So yeah. I'm really worn out tonight, but those are the major ones he mentioned. Now, to see if he holds up his end of the deal and gives me the time to work on them. I hope he does. Ideally, I'll be able to at least make measurable progress towards the independance/money ones, dial back severely on the snark, and keep on letting him do his things, to where I'll be in a much better place in a few months.
Wish me luck, and hang in there with me. These next few months may get interesting at points.
Justin and I spent last night and tonight together. As he drove me back here, we talked about things. My last question to him was if there were things I could improve about myself, especially now that I'm free of what hindered my progress in the past. In return, I asked him for the time I'd need in order to make such improvements. While he did tell me he would give me the time I needed to work on things, my cynical side says it'll believe that when it sees it. I think/hope/etc that he will, since I'm now on the right track.
So, here they are, in my own words. And here's hoping I can do them.
~Being more self-reliant and being able to contribute more to the relationship financially. These I lumped together since they essentially hinge on the same details. Basically, these entail my being able to work, save money, pay my own way on dates, and so on. It'll be a bit rough at first, but my first paycheck from work is this Friday, so I should be able to get started working on these then. I've been dependant on him since a) I had no job in over a year, and b) he was able and willing to help. With his own expenses increasing, it seems those paychecks will be coming in the nick of time. I also hope we can arrange a bit more time here and there to see one another. I really miss him, and I'd love to have set days/times/etc when we see each other. We'll see.
~Cut way back on the snark. I tend to tease and rag on him quite a bit. Then again, I tend to do it to a lot of people, so he's hardly the only one. It's something I tend to do affectionately, so it's tough for me to pick up at times when it's hurtful, since he doesn't always simply tell me it's bothersome until it's reached a certain point. Still, he does have a bit of a thinner skin than most do, and this is rather easy for me to accomodate (Plus, there's only one person who can rag on him to that extent. Nope, it's not me.). On a side-note, this is why being the daughter of a smart-aleck like my dad isn't such a great thing, nor is it so great when my snark comes out as a cover for insecurities or other things I'm feeling.
~Let him have his routines, and let him take care of them. This was more to do with my wanting to help him out this morning with breakfast and work-lunch packing. He has his routines, and while he appreciated my helping this morning, it wasn't much fun for him to find out I'd forgotten a couple things he normally packs. (One of which I realized after he left that I'd forgotten. Oops.) This is one where I'll leave him to it, but I also kinda hope that here and there I can help him. Like if I stay over with him on a holiday weekend, or his birthday, or some other time when I want to make things a bit more special. So this one will be easy enough to do.
So yeah. I'm really worn out tonight, but those are the major ones he mentioned. Now, to see if he holds up his end of the deal and gives me the time to work on them. I hope he does. Ideally, I'll be able to at least make measurable progress towards the independance/money ones, dial back severely on the snark, and keep on letting him do his things, to where I'll be in a much better place in a few months.
Wish me luck, and hang in there with me. These next few months may get interesting at points.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Freewrite 2/11: Demotivation
I'll be upfront in admitting this. I'm feeling a tiny bit demotivated by all the personal crap I'm dealing with. Why? Keep reading.
In talking with Justin, he essentially keeps reiterating how 'not happy' he is, how I'm a girlfriend he never sees (and no, he doesn't want to schedule time to see me, as that's not 'fun' in his book), and he's even suggested I let him go so he can try to find someone more compatible for him.
Now, as I said yesterday, he was always telling me not to fixate on him, to find my own life and my own interests outside of him. He even was telling me he would break up with me if Cindy kicked me out and took me back to San Diego. So I worked to stay where I currently am. Yet I still lose, and for reasons that feel incredibly selfish to me. I'm not even being given a chance to try and work things so there's more time in my life for him.
So I lose either way. Either I went back to San Diego and lost him that way, or I work to improve myself and I lose him because I'm not as 'available' as I used to be. I'm not giving up on things here, but the fact that the outcome is the same regardless of the choices I make isn't exactly the greatest motivator. I've accepted him and his flaws 150%, and loved him regardless of things that have happened, yet I can't get the same courtesy for this brief point of time in my life when I'm trying to settle myself 150% and trying to acclimate fully to a new life with new experiences.
My gut tells me letting him go is a bad idea all-around. Other than that, I'm not sure.
In talking with Justin, he essentially keeps reiterating how 'not happy' he is, how I'm a girlfriend he never sees (and no, he doesn't want to schedule time to see me, as that's not 'fun' in his book), and he's even suggested I let him go so he can try to find someone more compatible for him.
Now, as I said yesterday, he was always telling me not to fixate on him, to find my own life and my own interests outside of him. He even was telling me he would break up with me if Cindy kicked me out and took me back to San Diego. So I worked to stay where I currently am. Yet I still lose, and for reasons that feel incredibly selfish to me. I'm not even being given a chance to try and work things so there's more time in my life for him.
So I lose either way. Either I went back to San Diego and lost him that way, or I work to improve myself and I lose him because I'm not as 'available' as I used to be. I'm not giving up on things here, but the fact that the outcome is the same regardless of the choices I make isn't exactly the greatest motivator. I've accepted him and his flaws 150%, and loved him regardless of things that have happened, yet I can't get the same courtesy for this brief point of time in my life when I'm trying to settle myself 150% and trying to acclimate fully to a new life with new experiences.
My gut tells me letting him go is a bad idea all-around. Other than that, I'm not sure.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Freewrite 2/10: More things
If there's anything I'm thankful for today, it's that I'm not nearly as pained as I was yesterday. Yesterday was harder to get through because everything hurt so damn much. Today is definitely a lot better, likely due to my counseling session yesterday giving me the chance to let out most of what I was feeling/dealing with.
Speaking of that, in case anyone really needed confirmation that Justin's insulting little 'Friends With Benefits' suggestion was garbage, even the therapist said she thought it was ridiculous. Sure, she said she could see it if that was what we agreed to way back in June, but she thought it as sensible an idea as I do (hint: I still don't) after all this time has passed.
And really? For him to go from complaining about my spending too much time with him to not spending enough with him? It's silly. Just a couple weeks ago, he was complaining because we'd spent most of the prior weekends together. He kept telling me he wanted more of 'his' space, since weekends were all he had to himself. And now, when he has all the space he could want (with the chance of us scheduling date times when we can fit them in) he STILL complains? I really can't win, can I?
Ah well, if I can't I can't. I'm making plans of my own for the two of us for the weekend. It won't be anything fancy, but I'm thinking creatively and I hope he chooses to join me. I also have a gift I made up for him, which will either be given to him this weekend or mailed to him if he chooses not to spend the time with me. Either way, I'm still going to keep going forward and working to survive. What's my other option, after all? Give up and go back to San Diego? Not on my agenda, thanks.
Speaking of that, in case anyone really needed confirmation that Justin's insulting little 'Friends With Benefits' suggestion was garbage, even the therapist said she thought it was ridiculous. Sure, she said she could see it if that was what we agreed to way back in June, but she thought it as sensible an idea as I do (hint: I still don't) after all this time has passed.
And really? For him to go from complaining about my spending too much time with him to not spending enough with him? It's silly. Just a couple weeks ago, he was complaining because we'd spent most of the prior weekends together. He kept telling me he wanted more of 'his' space, since weekends were all he had to himself. And now, when he has all the space he could want (with the chance of us scheduling date times when we can fit them in) he STILL complains? I really can't win, can I?
Ah well, if I can't I can't. I'm making plans of my own for the two of us for the weekend. It won't be anything fancy, but I'm thinking creatively and I hope he chooses to join me. I also have a gift I made up for him, which will either be given to him this weekend or mailed to him if he chooses not to spend the time with me. Either way, I'm still going to keep going forward and working to survive. What's my other option, after all? Give up and go back to San Diego? Not on my agenda, thanks.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Freewrite 2/9: Questions & Triggers
I don't have a lot of time before I head back into class, but I realized what really has been bugging me about Justin and the way he's been treating me. I'm getting triggered all over again, remembering how things were when Tom cowardly backed out of my life. Seriously, I'm going to have to go through that again? Just when I'm reestablishing trust in things around me, when I'm working through the hurt, the insults, and every last bit of shit from my past, I have to deal with this? What the hell am I supposed to do, walk around every day of my life looking over my shoulder and constantly questioning whether something someone tells me is a lie or not? Haven't I done enough of that for one lifetime?
Seriously, I just don't know what to do. I'm trying not to let it affect me, but emotionally it's triggering me.
Seriously, I just don't know what to do. I'm trying not to let it affect me, but emotionally it's triggering me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Freewrite 2/8: Things
So, on the heels of the weekend, I've heard a whole lot of, well, almost nothing from Justin. I'm not sure I understand what's going on. I've always considered it rather impolite to ignore someone when they want to talk, yet in a way I don't blame him. After all, it's tough to face someone whom you made as unhappy as he did me the other night. Not that I would do anything to him necessarily, my temper's evened out considerably since then. (With hope, all things pan out and I can see him this weekend.)
Again, I keep going back to the one thing I don't get. He kept sending me messages on FB warning me to make things better here on my end with Cindy. Even if it meant not spending as much time with him, he wanted me to do my best to stay where I am. And that's what I've been doing; maybe not totally successfully, but I am trying. What bothers me is how I'm doing as he asked, yet I'm being punished for it. I mean, he knew my doing so would put a crimp on my time, so why the big complaint about the crimp on my time? It really puzzles me.
Life is busy, academics are going well, water is wet, so on, so forth.
Again, I keep going back to the one thing I don't get. He kept sending me messages on FB warning me to make things better here on my end with Cindy. Even if it meant not spending as much time with him, he wanted me to do my best to stay where I am. And that's what I've been doing; maybe not totally successfully, but I am trying. What bothers me is how I'm doing as he asked, yet I'm being punished for it. I mean, he knew my doing so would put a crimp on my time, so why the big complaint about the crimp on my time? It really puzzles me.
Life is busy, academics are going well, water is wet, so on, so forth.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Freewrite 2/7: Entitlement and Puzzlement
On the heels of yesterday's freewrite, this one is much calmer. It's also a lot more puzzled than yesterday's, which was primarily me being angry. It'll still have a lot of thoughts, and I likely should let this go. But I can't get it out of my mind in any way easier than writing it down.
First, the amount of whiny entitlement Justin showed the other night still astounds me. Seriously, the guy really wants to have his cake and eat it too with his 'suggestion' (which no, I'm still not accepting). Here's what gets me. Pretty much since the get-go, I've leaned on him/relied on him/clung to him/etc. Some of it was due to where I lived (Ramona is a tad far from the rest of the world, for those of us who remember it), and some was due to my own insecurities and other lackings (in short, new relationship + insecurities + lack of sufficient outside stimulation = trouble). He kept telling me to find my own life, to live without constantly leaning on him for everything. And I've been working to do that. I've been job-hunting (and still am, since this job has barely enough hours for me to pay my own expenses), work around the house here to help Cindy, school, and other things. And now that I'm establishing an independence from him, he doesn't like that I'm not doting on him the way I used to. He doesn't like that I'm not there when he wants me to be.
In short, I lose either way. Either I was too clingy and needed my own life and interests, or I'm too busy and not available when he snaps his fingers and needs arm candy for a date. And when I ask to see him? It's a huge hassle that's 'not worth the emotional costs' to him. Cute, huh?
The thing is, my priority is staying here, aiding Cindy however I can, and working to survive, and to thrive. I've promised Cindy I'm going to give my best efforts in making her life easier (especially with her stress levels being what they are), and I'm still going to job-hunt and look for better opportunities. I'm also going to do my damndest to get through school, get my license, and prepare to make a living (hopefully) in just over a year. As for him, for the time being we have to make time to see one another, even if not under ideal circumstances.
Here's my other issue with him. His behavior Saturday night makes me rather iffy if I want to spend Valentine's weekend at all with him. He's talking about going out to dinner and all to celebrate, but he throws a fit because I might not be able to sleep over, even though I'd be just as happy either way. See, I have no issue with spending Valentine's Day alone. My last boyfriend lived in New Jersey, and I could count on one hand how many times in total I got to see him in nine years. Guess how many were during Valentine's Day? If you answered 'none', I owe you a gold star. I have other things I can be doing to keep myself rolling, so if Justin wants to wreck his chances of a real V-Day date, he should keep doing and thinking what he was doing and thinking the other night.
So, in the end, what do I want? I really don't want much from him, but an apology would be nice as a start. Any way you paint it, he was a cruel, horrible jerkass to me the other night, and his insulting proposal to downgrade to 'Friends With Benefits' was just the icing on the cake there. I'm not asking him to grovel, or to beg (that's painful to see, and I won't inflict it on anyone), but an apology would be a step in the right direction. I'd also ask if we can't sit down and plan out when we can see one another. My life isn't very flexible to warrant unlimited visits, but we could at least plan things out so I can plan my schedule and we can spend as much time together as humanly possible. And who knows? Spring Break comes up in April, and Summer starts late-May. We'd have much more free time to be with each other then.
First, the amount of whiny entitlement Justin showed the other night still astounds me. Seriously, the guy really wants to have his cake and eat it too with his 'suggestion' (which no, I'm still not accepting). Here's what gets me. Pretty much since the get-go, I've leaned on him/relied on him/clung to him/etc. Some of it was due to where I lived (Ramona is a tad far from the rest of the world, for those of us who remember it), and some was due to my own insecurities and other lackings (in short, new relationship + insecurities + lack of sufficient outside stimulation = trouble). He kept telling me to find my own life, to live without constantly leaning on him for everything. And I've been working to do that. I've been job-hunting (and still am, since this job has barely enough hours for me to pay my own expenses), work around the house here to help Cindy, school, and other things. And now that I'm establishing an independence from him, he doesn't like that I'm not doting on him the way I used to. He doesn't like that I'm not there when he wants me to be.
In short, I lose either way. Either I was too clingy and needed my own life and interests, or I'm too busy and not available when he snaps his fingers and needs arm candy for a date. And when I ask to see him? It's a huge hassle that's 'not worth the emotional costs' to him. Cute, huh?
The thing is, my priority is staying here, aiding Cindy however I can, and working to survive, and to thrive. I've promised Cindy I'm going to give my best efforts in making her life easier (especially with her stress levels being what they are), and I'm still going to job-hunt and look for better opportunities. I'm also going to do my damndest to get through school, get my license, and prepare to make a living (hopefully) in just over a year. As for him, for the time being we have to make time to see one another, even if not under ideal circumstances.
Here's my other issue with him. His behavior Saturday night makes me rather iffy if I want to spend Valentine's weekend at all with him. He's talking about going out to dinner and all to celebrate, but he throws a fit because I might not be able to sleep over, even though I'd be just as happy either way. See, I have no issue with spending Valentine's Day alone. My last boyfriend lived in New Jersey, and I could count on one hand how many times in total I got to see him in nine years. Guess how many were during Valentine's Day? If you answered 'none', I owe you a gold star. I have other things I can be doing to keep myself rolling, so if Justin wants to wreck his chances of a real V-Day date, he should keep doing and thinking what he was doing and thinking the other night.
So, in the end, what do I want? I really don't want much from him, but an apology would be nice as a start. Any way you paint it, he was a cruel, horrible jerkass to me the other night, and his insulting proposal to downgrade to 'Friends With Benefits' was just the icing on the cake there. I'm not asking him to grovel, or to beg (that's painful to see, and I won't inflict it on anyone), but an apology would be a step in the right direction. I'd also ask if we can't sit down and plan out when we can see one another. My life isn't very flexible to warrant unlimited visits, but we could at least plan things out so I can plan my schedule and we can spend as much time together as humanly possible. And who knows? Spring Break comes up in April, and Summer starts late-May. We'd have much more free time to be with each other then.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Freewrite 2/6: Anger, priorities, other things
Note that this post may get rather angry at points. I just had this happen to me last night, and I'm trying to process it even this morning.
So I saw Justin for a few hours last night. He picked me up from work, we went and got a bit to eat, and I tried to have something of a good time with him. It...really didn't go as I'd expected it would. The guy was essentially a sulky, glaring child throughout most of the time we spent together, and that was even BEFORE he dropped what to me felt like something of a bombshell.
In essence, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Apparently, between school, work/job-hunting, and so forth (read: trying to SURVIVE here), I don't have the time for him that he feels he so desperately needs. He doesn't like that a) I can't be with him for all these couple-y things he enjoys doing, and b) I'm not as readily available to sleep over with him like I was. In short, he essentially suggested we be 'Friends With Benefits' because he was feeling like he was putting all this effort out with little immediate gain, even though I'll have more free time when I have breaks/vacations.
My thoughts, especially after sleeping on it? Fuck. No.
How fucking dare he do this to me. How dare he think of me as arm candy, something to show off because he's tired of being the nth wheel at an outing, instead of enjoying the time he spends with friends. How dare he ask me to downgrade things simply because I currently don't have the zillions of hours of free time to dote on him the way I used to. Um, hello? Did he forget that I'm trying to stay where I am, that I really don't want to be kicked out of here? If he wants me to have so much free time to fawn over him, then he needs to do as Cindy suggested and pony up money for my rent. I know he can't afford that.
And in the end, how FUCKING dare he treat me like I'm only here for physical intimacy (read: sex) as opposed to anything else. I am not a goddamn sex toy, I am a human being with her own wants and feelings. Do I enjoy the physical intimacy? Yes. Is sex the only way to achieve it? No, and it's enraging to feel like that's about the only reason he wants to be with me. I suggested even just cuddling together, and he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to do anything that invited closeness that would also interrupt his little glare-filled tantrum. Seriously, he has his right hand and the entire internet. He will NOT die from lack of sex while waiting for me to have time to spend with him.
But I'll tell anyone reading this something. I am NOT giving him what he wants. I am NOT downgrading my own emotions (and by extension, this relationship) because he's a sulking child. I am NOT changing anything or giving things up in my life simply so he can have his way. I refuse to stoop to that level. If he doesn't like it? That's too damn bad. I'm going to keep on going forward (singing my song, as I told Cindy last night while we were talking) and he's going to have to get used to this sort of thing for a while.
I always told him I have a good feeling about our relationship. But if he can't grow up and treat me like a decent human being who is developing a life outside of him, then fuck him. I have better ways to spend my life.
So I saw Justin for a few hours last night. He picked me up from work, we went and got a bit to eat, and I tried to have something of a good time with him. It...really didn't go as I'd expected it would. The guy was essentially a sulky, glaring child throughout most of the time we spent together, and that was even BEFORE he dropped what to me felt like something of a bombshell.
In essence, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Apparently, between school, work/job-hunting, and so forth (read: trying to SURVIVE here), I don't have the time for him that he feels he so desperately needs. He doesn't like that a) I can't be with him for all these couple-y things he enjoys doing, and b) I'm not as readily available to sleep over with him like I was. In short, he essentially suggested we be 'Friends With Benefits' because he was feeling like he was putting all this effort out with little immediate gain, even though I'll have more free time when I have breaks/vacations.
My thoughts, especially after sleeping on it? Fuck. No.
How fucking dare he do this to me. How dare he think of me as arm candy, something to show off because he's tired of being the nth wheel at an outing, instead of enjoying the time he spends with friends. How dare he ask me to downgrade things simply because I currently don't have the zillions of hours of free time to dote on him the way I used to. Um, hello? Did he forget that I'm trying to stay where I am, that I really don't want to be kicked out of here? If he wants me to have so much free time to fawn over him, then he needs to do as Cindy suggested and pony up money for my rent. I know he can't afford that.
And in the end, how FUCKING dare he treat me like I'm only here for physical intimacy (read: sex) as opposed to anything else. I am not a goddamn sex toy, I am a human being with her own wants and feelings. Do I enjoy the physical intimacy? Yes. Is sex the only way to achieve it? No, and it's enraging to feel like that's about the only reason he wants to be with me. I suggested even just cuddling together, and he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to do anything that invited closeness that would also interrupt his little glare-filled tantrum. Seriously, he has his right hand and the entire internet. He will NOT die from lack of sex while waiting for me to have time to spend with him.
But I'll tell anyone reading this something. I am NOT giving him what he wants. I am NOT downgrading my own emotions (and by extension, this relationship) because he's a sulking child. I am NOT changing anything or giving things up in my life simply so he can have his way. I refuse to stoop to that level. If he doesn't like it? That's too damn bad. I'm going to keep on going forward (singing my song, as I told Cindy last night while we were talking) and he's going to have to get used to this sort of thing for a while.
I always told him I have a good feeling about our relationship. But if he can't grow up and treat me like a decent human being who is developing a life outside of him, then fuck him. I have better ways to spend my life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Freewrite 2/4: One Step Forward...
I didn't really have anything to write about yesterday besides odds and ends, so I thought I would save up for today. And I do have a fair bit on my mind, most of it directed at me.
Let me sum it up in two questions, both aimed at myself. Why is it that I can't ask when I'm unsure of things? Why is it I assume something is all right when it really isn't?
It's the big issue right now that's causing strife with Cindy, and it's all my doing. I admit it, it's totally my fault. I don't seem to think about asking her about things when I'm unsure, so I take/use what I'm not supposed to and it upsets her. And it upsets her quite a bit.
Truth be told, I'm not sure why I can't get this. I'm wondering if I'm still in that transitional 'guest to roommate' phase, and as such I'm still adjusting to being a roommate as opposed to a guest or family member. See, on thinking about it, a lot of what I do was automatic when I lived with my parents. There was food available, I could eat it. There was something I needed, I could take it. There wasn't the same back-and-forth as there is now, so I'm really going to have to police myself to make sure I don't keep doing this. It's not good for either of us.
Today, I'm also a bit anxious about money and everything attached to it. Yes, I got a job. Yes, my new boss is flexible and willing to work with my schedule. But it's not going to be anything all that lucrative, since I'm pretty much limited to work on weekends and 'shoulder' times (Monday and Friday, to be specific). I do also have an active unemployment claim, but a) I know how that can easily be denied, and b) it may be reduced with my working this job part-time. So I'm not totally sure what to do about rent and othersuch if I did want to stay here, asides from giving up school (which I'd hate to do, I'm doing so well with it!). One other option I do have is to apply with the mortuaries in Orange County that also offer student housing. They're full currently, but they anticipate openings coming up as the semester ends in May/June. There is one in Anaheim, one in Fullerton, and one in Buena Park. Now, this isn't ideal; one of my classmates lives at the Fullerton one, and he says there are a fair few drawbacks to working for room & board there. But when the alternative is the possibility of being homeless (or risking further exacerbating things here), it might be a good option to explore.
I guess we shall see.
Let me sum it up in two questions, both aimed at myself. Why is it that I can't ask when I'm unsure of things? Why is it I assume something is all right when it really isn't?
It's the big issue right now that's causing strife with Cindy, and it's all my doing. I admit it, it's totally my fault. I don't seem to think about asking her about things when I'm unsure, so I take/use what I'm not supposed to and it upsets her. And it upsets her quite a bit.
Truth be told, I'm not sure why I can't get this. I'm wondering if I'm still in that transitional 'guest to roommate' phase, and as such I'm still adjusting to being a roommate as opposed to a guest or family member. See, on thinking about it, a lot of what I do was automatic when I lived with my parents. There was food available, I could eat it. There was something I needed, I could take it. There wasn't the same back-and-forth as there is now, so I'm really going to have to police myself to make sure I don't keep doing this. It's not good for either of us.
Today, I'm also a bit anxious about money and everything attached to it. Yes, I got a job. Yes, my new boss is flexible and willing to work with my schedule. But it's not going to be anything all that lucrative, since I'm pretty much limited to work on weekends and 'shoulder' times (Monday and Friday, to be specific). I do also have an active unemployment claim, but a) I know how that can easily be denied, and b) it may be reduced with my working this job part-time. So I'm not totally sure what to do about rent and othersuch if I did want to stay here, asides from giving up school (which I'd hate to do, I'm doing so well with it!). One other option I do have is to apply with the mortuaries in Orange County that also offer student housing. They're full currently, but they anticipate openings coming up as the semester ends in May/June. There is one in Anaheim, one in Fullerton, and one in Buena Park. Now, this isn't ideal; one of my classmates lives at the Fullerton one, and he says there are a fair few drawbacks to working for room & board there. But when the alternative is the possibility of being homeless (or risking further exacerbating things here), it might be a good option to explore.
I guess we shall see.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Freewrite 2/2: Once again, there is silence...
Well, maybe not so much 'silence' as 'I don't really have a lot to say that fits in this space'. Another productive counseling session today, and a good trip home. I'm really hoping that this is a positive sign, that it's a sign my mind is starting to clear somewhat and letting me function more efficiently. I often say I feel like I'm about 10 years behind where I should be in terms of being a productive adult, but I feel like I'm making some headway, slowly but surely. I'll backslide a bit here and there, as we all do. But I still plan on pushing ahead, no matter what.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Freewrite 2/1: Family stuffs
Another of these rare early morning freewrites that leaves a door open for another one later this evening. This is technically a holdover from last night, since I didn't emotionally feel up to writing.
So I talked to Mom for a bit last night. If you've been watching this space for any amount of time, you'll know I've admitted a few times to missing Ramona. We talked for about five minutes (nothing new on her end, same old same old as far as she's concerned), and I told her about the new job in San Dimas and about school.
Her response to my school talk was...interesting, to say the least. I wasn't expecting rapt fascination, but I wasn't really expecting to feel as though she was brushing it off. Her response was essentially 'Well, if that's what you want to do'; and coming from someone who always wanted me to finish school and have a workable education, it bothers me a bit. I know speculation is essentially worthless, but I still have to wonder if she still believes this is some sort of wild idea of mine that I'll 'get over' in time. Get over, go back down there, and go back to how things were. Or maybe it's so far removed from the 'typical' career choices people make that there really is no talk point unless you've been there. I can yak to my heart's content with my program classmates about school, I can talk with my instructors, and I can talk with folks working in the field. But layfolks/parents/others? Seems it's tough to find a good conversation point. Still, it was enough to bother me a touch last night, even though I miss my old home a little bit less now.
So I talked to Mom for a bit last night. If you've been watching this space for any amount of time, you'll know I've admitted a few times to missing Ramona. We talked for about five minutes (nothing new on her end, same old same old as far as she's concerned), and I told her about the new job in San Dimas and about school.
Her response to my school talk was...interesting, to say the least. I wasn't expecting rapt fascination, but I wasn't really expecting to feel as though she was brushing it off. Her response was essentially 'Well, if that's what you want to do'; and coming from someone who always wanted me to finish school and have a workable education, it bothers me a bit. I know speculation is essentially worthless, but I still have to wonder if she still believes this is some sort of wild idea of mine that I'll 'get over' in time. Get over, go back down there, and go back to how things were. Or maybe it's so far removed from the 'typical' career choices people make that there really is no talk point unless you've been there. I can yak to my heart's content with my program classmates about school, I can talk with my instructors, and I can talk with folks working in the field. But layfolks/parents/others? Seems it's tough to find a good conversation point. Still, it was enough to bother me a touch last night, even though I miss my old home a little bit less now.
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