(Before I start this writing off, a couple bits of caution from this girl. This post may be anecdote-heavy. Justin has told me I should write my memoirs, I have so many stories and anecdotes I can share pretty much on a whim. This is no exception, only I'm also adding a bit of caution for pain squick. If reading about things that cause physical pain squicks you, well, tread carefully below. With that said, on with the post.)
It's official. I have a way to describe how emotional healing/withdrawal/Gods only know what else feels like.
Want to know?
It feels much as it did every time I had to head to the dentist and have one (or a few) extractions of the thirteen total baby teeth I had to have pulled (sixteen if you add in the three wisdom teeth that I had to have removed when I was 20. Damn, I have serious issues with my bite.). It seriously sucked pretty much every time, trust me there. And the whole emotional healing/withdrawal feeling felt about like that. Like someone was taking an especially sharp shard of somethingorother and was working it out of my chest, replete with the requisite pain that goes along with it. (Yes, emotionally it was every bit as painful as it sounds, why do you ask?) But at least it doesn't hurt the way it did earlier, when I had to take a few minutes away at work to regain my composure. I really hate when I do that, but I felt a lot better for it.
There's still a lot of answers that I'm not totally certain on. Like why someone like me suddenly turned into a clingy girl who always has to see her boyfriend. That normally isn't me by any means. The only thing I can think is that Justin has offered me a sense of stability that I've needed over the past year or so. Now I'm starting to let myself feel a bit more stable, so that means I can actually start letting myself stand on my own again. (I think also I got carried away with the 'I have a boyfriend, I have to take care of him!' thing. Still, as long as I can take care of him here and there, I shouldn't have an issue with it.) I haven't let myself see how safe and stable things are now, and it's cost me in some ways.
Speaking of him, I have to say I'm grateful that he's willing to step back and let me find my footing without totally breaking things off. I also appreciate that he stepped up and apologized for his behavior a few weeks ago. He acknowledged that he made a mistake, and he was apologetic. I remember that was really about all I asked from him, so all is good. I'm also glad we're on the same page with seeing and interacting with one another. I hope we can spend a little time together here and there, and I hope things pan out to where we can talk on a once-weekly basis, at least for now. Once I'm a bit stronger, we can work from there.
And now, my last thought.
I realized something while I was keeping busy at work today. (And I'm happy to say it was a very productive day for this girl.) I realized what I keep doing that holds me back. See, as long as I can remember, I've always tried to be my family's 'other' good girl. My sister fulfills the role currently, and I'm...just kinda there. I have no doubt they care about me, but I kinda feel like the spare whom no one's quite sure what to do with, so they've tried to mold me as they saw fit. But in light of more recent events, it's hard to say if they truly disapprove of what I'm doing. Are they likely disappointed? More likely than not, especially since Mortuary Science isn't exactly the most orthodox of career choices. But Mom always did stress how important she thought an education was for me, and I'm sure her approval that I'm back in school and actually working toward a tangible goal (as opposed to some nebulous 'maybe') works to somewhat mitigate any disappointment she might feel. Dad, well, I can only hope for the same.
But I need to stop this. I need to stop letting my perceptions of any disapproval/disappointment they might feel get in my way. It's a hindrance that I really don't need right now, not when I know what I need to do in order to survive up here. I need to straighten up, realize that my not always being able to please them isn't a fatal flaw in me, and stop letting it hold me back. I need to move ahead with my life and my choices; if they approve, great. If not, I have other places where I can find whatever encouragement and approval I might need. I need to let go of any perception of their disapproving of my choices, and do whatever it takes to not only survive here, but to thrive.
While I was working, I remembered a saying I read many years ago. Once I remembered it, I kept repeating it to myself. After a while, I felt good enough to sing along with the music playing over the radio at work. What was the saying? 'Yard by yard, it's too hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch.' And for me it's true. If I try to change everything about me overnight, I'll most likely fail. If I change in positive increments, I'll be a success. Just cheer me on, offer encouragement/advice/etc where you can, and I'll pull through. I know I can.
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