On the heels of yesterday's freewrite, this one is much calmer. It's also a lot more puzzled than yesterday's, which was primarily me being angry. It'll still have a lot of thoughts, and I likely should let this go. But I can't get it out of my mind in any way easier than writing it down.
First, the amount of whiny entitlement Justin showed the other night still astounds me. Seriously, the guy really wants to have his cake and eat it too with his 'suggestion' (which no, I'm still not accepting). Here's what gets me. Pretty much since the get-go, I've leaned on him/relied on him/clung to him/etc. Some of it was due to where I lived (Ramona is a tad far from the rest of the world, for those of us who remember it), and some was due to my own insecurities and other lackings (in short, new relationship + insecurities + lack of sufficient outside stimulation = trouble). He kept telling me to find my own life, to live without constantly leaning on him for everything. And I've been working to do that. I've been job-hunting (and still am, since this job has barely enough hours for me to pay my own expenses), work around the house here to help Cindy, school, and other things. And now that I'm establishing an independence from him, he doesn't like that I'm not doting on him the way I used to. He doesn't like that I'm not there when he wants me to be.
In short, I lose either way. Either I was too clingy and needed my own life and interests, or I'm too busy and not available when he snaps his fingers and needs arm candy for a date. And when I ask to see him? It's a huge hassle that's 'not worth the emotional costs' to him. Cute, huh?
The thing is, my priority is staying here, aiding Cindy however I can, and working to survive, and to thrive. I've promised Cindy I'm going to give my best efforts in making her life easier (especially with her stress levels being what they are), and I'm still going to job-hunt and look for better opportunities. I'm also going to do my damndest to get through school, get my license, and prepare to make a living (hopefully) in just over a year. As for him, for the time being we have to make time to see one another, even if not under ideal circumstances.
Here's my other issue with him. His behavior Saturday night makes me rather iffy if I want to spend Valentine's weekend at all with him. He's talking about going out to dinner and all to celebrate, but he throws a fit because I might not be able to sleep over, even though I'd be just as happy either way. See, I have no issue with spending Valentine's Day alone. My last boyfriend lived in New Jersey, and I could count on one hand how many times in total I got to see him in nine years. Guess how many were during Valentine's Day? If you answered 'none', I owe you a gold star. I have other things I can be doing to keep myself rolling, so if Justin wants to wreck his chances of a real V-Day date, he should keep doing and thinking what he was doing and thinking the other night.
So, in the end, what do I want? I really don't want much from him, but an apology would be nice as a start. Any way you paint it, he was a cruel, horrible jerkass to me the other night, and his insulting proposal to downgrade to 'Friends With Benefits' was just the icing on the cake there. I'm not asking him to grovel, or to beg (that's painful to see, and I won't inflict it on anyone), but an apology would be a step in the right direction. I'd also ask if we can't sit down and plan out when we can see one another. My life isn't very flexible to warrant unlimited visits, but we could at least plan things out so I can plan my schedule and we can spend as much time together as humanly possible. And who knows? Spring Break comes up in April, and Summer starts late-May. We'd have much more free time to be with each other then.
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