So I wanted to bring in a new tag for my postings. The 'emotion' tag is for those posts that are between freewrites, but aren't quite 'fluff'. They tend to be more serious musings on my feelings and othersuch.
I've had thoughts about him on my mind, so I'll start there. I feel like I'm making significant progress, but I feel like it doesn't matter, since I don't get much of a response from him. I wish I had a sign of some kind that told me he's not only reading, but that he is supportive in whatever ways he can be. I'm the only person who can do all of this for myself, but I would be grateful to know he's watching and cheering me on from the background, maybe even waiting for the right time to step forward.
I was recently asked what it is about him that draws me to him, that makes me care for him. Well, it's a bit of a list, but I guess I could share a few things. As I've mentioned in the past, he makes me feel human. He makes me feel like I'm a real person, instead of a label, or a GPA, or whatever other ways I've been thought of in the past. With him, I'm not judged by any standard except what makes me 'Andrea'. That has been a HUGE boost to me when things have been difficult.
He encourages me to lighten up, to laugh and have fun. I've always been a bit on the reserved side, but with his encouragement I've been gradually opening up to more people. Not only am I meeting new people, I'm reconnecting with ones I already know in different, more positive ways. (I also feel like my healing from my last breakup would have taken a lot longer had Justin not been there and been encouraging of me.)
Even though I wish he would verbalize it more, I do love how he supports and appreciates what I do. See, I tend to equate silence from those closest to me with disapproval, so it's hard when something good happens and all I hear is the equivalent of '....'. To his credit, he does tell me how supportive he is when I ask, so I can't totally fault him here.
I love how he's been subtly encouraging me to be more independent and more open to exploring. He doesn't want me to sit and wait for him to help me with things, he wants me to do them myself. He doesn't want me putting on hold things I want to do until we can do them together, he wants me to do them myself (and hopefully, he wants me to enjoy them just as much by myself, which I do even though I wish he could join in the fun with me).
I feel like he's helped me to realize just how strong, how resiliant, how...everything I am. He's helped me in so many positive ways that I can't even begin to count them.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in San Diego, wondering how I was going to start my life.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be doubtful that loving someone was worth the trouble.
If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have met the people whom I know through/because of him, some of whom are now very good friends of mine.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd never have challenged my comfort zone and travelled up to visit him, let alone travelled to Ojai for the first time. I'd have kept only doing the Escondido Faire and thought that was all the Faire I needed to be happy.
If it hadn't been for him, I would have thought I couldn't dream for myself anymore.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still have no idea of just how much potential I have at my disposal. Even if I did, I wouldn't have a clue on how to use it if it hadn't been for him.
In the end, If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be learning how to be me. He has given me the strength to learn how to be who I am. He gives me the strength to jump and to take risks again, knowing that things will work themselves out in the end.
I wish I knew how to tell him everything I feel for him. Maybe this will be a good start. Well, this and what I plan for Faire this weekend. (Nothing big, nor distracting, nor in-character. Something small and just between us.)
No comments:
Post a Comment