So it's been a couple days since my last posting in here. How have I been doing, you might wonder?
Surprisingly well, all things considered. I've had a few rough spots where I need to excuse myself and cry a little, but nothing serious. I still live, I still talk to people, I still do my thing...what more could I really ask for right now?
One thing I keep asking myself is how much I really want to feel. For anyone new to my corner of existence, let me clarify. A couple years ago, my last boyfriend broke up with me in a really awful way. We had an apartment ready to move into and everything, he balked at the move, blew me off for a month, then broke up with me via letter. When he did, I literally could not function. Any time I attempted to do so, I would break down emotionally and psychologically (my nadir was one night when I casually entertained suicide as a means of getting rid of the pain. Yeah, it was bad.) I knew I had two choices, either continue to deteriorate, or cut off my emotions until time distanced me from what the jerkass did. It was still difficult, and I still cried a lot, but at least I was functioning.
Yesterday (Sunday) I contemplated cutting off again. I was in the middle of a really rough point, I was hurting, and I pondered shutting down fully again. I think I still consider it off and on even now. My problem (or virtue, depending on your perspective) is that I am a very feeling, very emotional individual. It's how I connect with others, and it's helped me help others in more ways than I can count. The downside is I feel emotional pain extremely acutely, to where it can be debilitating for me psychologically. Hence my choice last time to cut off; the less I feel, the easier to work through things. My worry this time was that I wouldn't want to re-engage if I cut off again; cutting off twice in as many years might tempt me into simply not letting myself feel at all.
So I continue to feel, and I continue to press on. I've had a lot of love and support from friends these past few days, which I've been grateful for. I hurt here and there, but it doesn't really slow me down. 'Holding steady' feels like a good descriptor for my current place in the world.
Other than all this, not much else I can say.
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