I guess you could say I re-realized what it is I'm really seeking. To put it simply, I seek to go back to the balance I've had in the past. I've always been someone who tried to do things in moderation, to balance the positive and the negative, and I need to get back to that core focus.
So what happened to knock me out of that balance? Mm, I think it was something that had always lingered in some ways. My parents (mother especially) always held me back from being more independent, from learning how to fend for myself better. And I resented it. I resented every time she quipped that I couldn't survive on my own, that I needed to be taken care of. She may not have said it explicitly, but her behaviors told me that loud and clear. But I kept up something of a balance because I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd be gone, one way or another.
Then, something happened that I really didn't expect of myself. If you guessed it was my letting myself get closer to Justin, I yet again owe you a gold star. About the time I started getting closer to him, things started to deteriorate at home with my parents. They were tiny things, little tensions that were pointless to share on their own. But they were starting to add up, and I had no idea what to do about them. I held onto Justin partially because he made me happy and let me focus on something besides my homelife falling apart around me. I also held onto him because he was something I knew for a fact was steady. Home-wise, things were unsteady, and I had no idea how to fix them in a way that would make everyone satisfied (if not happy). So I tried to balance that out by focusing on what made me happy, to attempt to find a new balance.
And for a while, it seemed to work. I could function and I could deal with what was going on around me. But things kept deteriorating at home, especially right when my feelings in a new relationship should be changing from the more 'honeymoon phase'-esque to the more settled. So I kept that feeling going, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to function. (Too much stress over an extended period of time turns me into a basket case. Not pretty.)
I guess the TL;DR version of all that is this: I felt stuck. I felt like there wasn't anything there to encourage me. I felt like I wasn't given the chance to really find out who I was and what I could be capable of. And when I wanted to change all of that, it was taken as a personal attack by people who should have been supportive. (Seriously, being asked how it feels to be unwanted, and being called 'street person' and told you should sleep in the garage aren't really marks of a loving separation.)
I remember around the time of my birthday that Justin told me my parents were 'defective', as it were. He saw I was sad they hadn't really acknowledged my birthday, and encouraged me to spend time with the new 'family' I had established. And that's precisely what I plan to do. Keep working on my focus with those beside me who show they really care. I don't know what's going to happen with school and life, or when, or anything like that. But I have options I can utilize until I have those answers.
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