I've often pondered if one can really erase deeply entrenched behavior and thought patterns in 5-6 months, as Justin seems to suggest. Having experienced these past 5-6 months, I can say that it largely depends on the person and the patterns. Erasing 20+ years of having 95% of life provided to you isn't going to go away that readily. And here's my other thought: Even if it had, what would be left to take its place? Who would I be when I stopped being that person? What good would it do me if I didn't have a different sense of self waiting to take over? I'd be no better than I was, and might even be a bit worse off.
So before I can be 'Little Miss 150% Independent', I've needed to simply be 'Little Miss Independent'. I needed to psychologically move away from the fishbowl I essentially grew up in. For as long as I can remember, I've always been known by a label, not by who I am. I've always been 'The Chiropractor's Daughter', or 'Stephanie's Little Sister', or 'Mother's Spitting Image' (seriously, Mom and I could almost be twins, I resemble her so much). I've never really been seen as just, well, 'Andrea'. So the last 5-6 months have been spent distancing myself from the old labels, getting myself away from the fishbowl and out into the koi pond with the big fish. And I've been okay, all things considered. I'm a lot less timid, a lot more capable of leaning on myself, instead of everyone else. I still lean on others when I'm unsure, or I need advice, but isn't that everyone at some point or other?
I have a Focus now. (Gods, that sounds so FF XIII. I hope when it's complete I'm not turned into crystal.) It may not be something that happens immediately, but it's something I can work towards. All I need is patience, time, and support.
(Going back to Justin, I prefer to keep my feelings private at this time. When the time is right, I'll share them with him.)
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