I think the title says it all. Emotionally, I'm going back and forth. A lot. And if you know me well enough, you know I hate the feeling. I like my emotions to be at least manageable, if not even and somewhat controllable. It isn't simply my emotions, of course, but right now that's the big thing.
There are times when I want to just sit him down and yell at him. I want to ask why he would hurt me as deeply and as badly as he did, why he kept treating me like garbage, why he would choose such an asinine, cowardly approach to try and make me leave (since 'being nice wasn't working'), but I know it won't get me anywhere. He refuses to take the time to give me the answers I need. Sure, he's given me some, but it feels like I only have more questions.
I want to be near him, but part of me is disgusted at the thought of him (or anyone) even so much as breathing on me. I want to trust him, but at the same time he aggravated the trust issues I already have. I want to be friends, yet given his drama queen tendencies I'd just as soon he stay as far away from me as possible.
I think the hardest thing for me is feeling like a chunk of the support I had from him has been eroded. Part of why I've been working so hard to stay on my own was so he and I could grow as people, as well as growing as a couple. I've always believed that a couple should see the less-than-positive along with the positive so each member can grow as an individual, and in so doing the pairing can grow stronger. (As you can tell, I don't really believe in the same ol' same ol'. That gets stale really fast.) I also wasn't looking at marriage or any sort of serious commitment at this point. At some point down the road, when I'm ready? Sure. But all I wanted now was to get to know him better, spend time with him, and in the process better establish myself. But now, I feel as though there's a bit less of a reason for me to keep trying. He wants as little to do with me as possible (he's even said as much), which also cuts me off from some of the support his family was providing me. So I'm left feeling like I've just lost the equivalent of two family units in six months.
In talking with my aunt yesterday, she suggested I try reconciling with Mom and moving back to San Diego for a time, if not back with my parents then with my sister and brother-in-law. And honestly? That's becoming more and more tempting as time goes on. Only the fact that I have limited education options if I go back down there keeps me from actually doing so. I'm putting a lot of hope into getting into Northridge, and most of me wants to stay up here even if those hopes are delayed a few months. And yet, why should I stay if it feels like I have so little support?
In the end, I still don't know...and what makes it worse is that I may never know.
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