(This was a crosspost from my FB. Out of respect to Justin, I'm removing it here as well as from FB.)
I'm not sure what to think or to feel right now. I feel better than I did earlier, when Justin first suggested dialing back for a while, but there's still a lot of uncertainty.
I'm not entirely sure that I'm the right person to deal with uncertainty. Try as I may to deny it, I am the Chiropractor's daughter, the future Nurse...I'm not really in a field that likes a lot of unknowns and uncertainty. In the hospital, I saw what happened when things were uncertain. At home, I saw and experienced what happened when things weren't certain. None of it was ever pretty. But right now, I'm dealing with enough uncertainty to last me a while, and I don't know what to do about it.
As for Justin, I...I just don't know. There are still a lot more questions than answers with him, and I don't know if or when I'd get answers. To an extent, he seemed more interested in scolding me and telling me what I needed to do than he did in giving answers; but then again, he was rather tired. He did say he wants a cooling-off period, as it were. He didn't know how long of one he might need, just that he felt he needed one. From there, I don't know. I know I have things to work at, but not knowing if/when he'll be back in my life (and what status) bothers me. I could go on and on, but I doubt it would do anything other than make me anxious.
And yet, in spite of everything, I still love him. And I still plan to use the energy in that love to keep fueling myself. I don't know if he'll be there when I'm ready, or the limits of that 'fuel', but I have to keep pushing forward. Push forward, and hope he'll be there, at this time of night it's all I can do.
Anyway, I have reading that I promised him I'd do. I should get back to it.
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