Of Two Minds

In case you couldn't already gather, I've been back, forth, and sideways about how I feel towards Justin.  I figure writing a few things down couldn't hurt.

Here's my thing, I'm of two separate minds about continuing to see him in any capacity whatsoever.  Through most of this, he has been a shallow, selfish individual who has treated me like garbage.  He throws fits when he doesn't get his way, talks down to me for whatever reason, and seems to thin talking is for 'weaklings', judging by how it's been like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything at times.  And honestly?  There's a part of me that feels like being friends with him is equivalent to giving tacit approval of those actions.  Y'know, like it tells him that it's okay that he treated me like shit, I'll be around for more.  I condoned it for too long.  I let him treat me like garbage for way too long, and he needs to answer for that.  The cynic in me doubts he'll ever do so, in which case I don't need him in my life. 

I am seriously tempted to take a page out of my friend Becky's book.  When she learned her godfather helped her ex to keep his leaving a secret from her, she SCREAMED at her godfather over the phone for about two hours, asking him how he could betray her so horribly.  She hates what he did, but she can still forgive.  I'm kind of in that mindset, at least part of me is.  Part of me wants to confront him and rip into him for everything.  It wants to ask how he could justify treating me so horribly, how he could hurt me (even as he proclaimed he didn't mean to be hurtful), how he could do any of the shit that he did to me.  Yet, I know what he does when he's confronted on things.  He doesn't make eye contact, he acts distracted...anything to avoid facing up to what he's done.  Sad, really.

I doubt I'd ever have the heart to rip into him the way I wish I could.  I'm too soft for that.  If nothing else, I would like to talk with him directly about things (as opposed to over chat or the phone).  Maybe either take a walk and talk about them, or do so right before going to sleep, or something.  I won't hold my breath that it'll ever happen, but it would be nice since he has said he wants to remain friends.  Otherwise, how can I remain friends with someone who treated me so badly, then claimed he didn't want to be hurtful?