So it's official. Justin and I are no longer together.
We agreed to go ahead and end things, and I'm not sure how to take it. Patti (our Guildmistress) talked with both of us, and she advised him to be gentle with me for a while. She told him how much it was hurting me, reminded him how much I loved him, and kept telling him to be patient while I was getting through things. Considering his attempts at 'gentle' included lecturing me about how I was reacting, I somehow have reason to worry about how things will go from here.
I admit, I feel a lot of different ways right now. I literally came thisclose to quitting the Guild for good because of him. I told Bill and Patti I was reaching my breaking point with dealing with his behavior, and I didn't think I could handle being near him at Faire. I really don't think I can fully describe just how much his actions and his behavior hurt me. Every time he threw a fit about how something or other that I was doing bothered him, it just cut that much more deeply. And honestly, I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with it. I'd thought about joining Jenna (Lady Lana) over with Shadow Walkers and the Belladonna Inn, or joining one of the Irish guilds...anything if it kept me from seeing him on a regular basis. But I plan on staying, so I need to learn to deal with the guy, childish as he may be at times.
The worst part about the weekend was the jerk-ass comment he made. I don't care who it was intended for, it hurt like hell and it was uncalled for. See, I've been breaking in a new pair of heels, which led to a few raw spots on my heels (which naturally hurt when I wear shoes). So my guildmate Jeff and I were bantering back and forth about it, with him telling me to stop doing whatever hurt me. I asked him if he planned on carrying me everywhere I needed to go, and he said that was Justin's job, to which Justin (who was nearby at the time) cheerfully replied "Not anymore!". I so wanted to deck him at that point (to his credit, he did apologize for it when I pointed it out later).
It's just like any other time when he talks down to me about how I'm "overreacting" about things or "being too emotional". Fuck. You. Asshole. I'm hurting, and all you can do is talk at me like you know better than I do how I should feel. He's been really hurt by people in the past, so I would think he would have empathy toward someone he's hurting in such a way. I really don't mean to be angry or flaming toward him, but he is so damn clueless about just how much he hurt me. He treated me like I didn't matter, like whatever I felt was meaningless to him, then he had the NERVE to lecture me about my own feelings. All the love, the support...everything I gave him doesn't seem like it meant anything to him in the end. He even told me at one point that my feelings felt like a nuisance to him. So yeah. He and I have always been close, but right now I'm not sure whether to remain friends with him, or tell him to go fuck himself.
As much as I'm complimented on how I'm handling things, I hurt. Plain and simple. I fucking hurt. And the more I think about it, the more it seems that cutting off feeling again is the best thing for me. Just sever any and all emotion and go through life like that. What I can't feel won't hurt me, right? I so do not want to go through this again; hell, I didn't want to go through it THIS time. Twice in as many years...why don't I just cut off for good and get it over with? Along with my trying to heal from the shit I went through with my parents, I did NOT need this to add to the plate of 'things that totally fuck Andrea over emotionally'.
In the end...I just don't know anymore.
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