I'll start off by saying I'm feeling much calmer than I have been over the past few days. I still hurt here and there, but it isn't quite as bad as it had been. I think the angry, raw edges are finally cooling off somewhat, as it were. It doesn't mean what I've already said doesn't still stand, but I don't feel the same seething blend of emotion that I'd felt.
The majority of it has to do with him. He's actually giving me answers, instead of ignoring me or being evasive. He's apologizing for being hurtful, acknowledging I have a reason to be hurt. I have friends who say to tread lightly given his 'drama queen' actions in the past, so I'm remaining cautious yet optimistic. In short, he is doing what I always wished my ex would have done after sending that breakup letter. He's actually trying to be there, trying to help however he can. (Case in point: He sent me a text this morning wishing me a Happy Anniversary even though he figured it was a moot point. I admit it stung a tiny bit, but it also did cheer me up some, and I thanked him for it.)
Still, it feels like for every question I have answered, two more pop up in its place. The infuriating part for me is that those two questions are often so nebulous that I can't even quantify them well enough to ask. So I sit there feeling like I have all these things to ask, but not knowing the way to ask them. For someone like me, it's not a very enjoyable feeling. Ick.
Anyway, I digress...
Here's something that puzzles me slightly. So he keeps saying he never intended to be hurtful, he didn't want to hurt me, and various other permutations of that thought. And yet, he knew he was hurting me every time he threw one of his 'I want out! I don't feel the same way I did!' fits. He said he didn't want to be nice so I wouldn't keep hanging onto him, yet his being a jerk toward me really hurt me. I can't hate him of all people, yet his logic quirks make my eyes cross slightly. I mean, you would think that one would realize being a jerk would be quite hurtful to someone, and you'd try a different tack. Meh, I do think about things in different ways than other people, I could be missing something here.
The other thing that still slightly puzzles me is redefining the two of us and what we can do together. He wants to be friends (with a 'MAYBE we can get back together in the future, but don't plan toward that' bend to it), and I don't have an issue pulling back. However, what makes me a bit nervous is that he doesn't seem to want to do things with me, even as friends. I mention them in the phrasing of 'casual date/outing' (like he and I did a few times before we became a couple) and he's really resistant to the idea. Here's my thing. I love to do things with other people if I feel close enough to them. I'm fine alone, yet I enjoy and appreciate being with others. I love sharing time and experiences with friends, and he's certainly no exception. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a 'date', it could easily be, say, sharing a few minutes during a day at Faire, or talking together after a Guild meeting, or seeing a movie together after a meeting or for the hell of it. No strings, no expectations, just sharing each others' company while we're both working on ourselves. I miss that more than anything.
I guess we shall see.
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