Freewrite 6/29: Respect (or the lack thereof)

I'm just going to come right out and ask this.

Who the HELL does he think he is?

I'm serious.  For someone who wants to remain friends, he's being an asshole.  There, I'm calling him out right here and now.  He is being a disrespectful asshole and I refuse to sit quietly and take it.  I was forgiving before, I'm not being as forgiving now.  He told me to my face that he wanted to remain friends.  I am fine with that, since he and I have become rather close since first meeting.  But his recent behavior has shown what a fucking LIAR he is.  He has done nothing but lie through his damn teeth about the whole 'friends' thing, and I'm not dealing with it anymore.

He is completely disrespectful of any wishes I might have, no matter how small.  I've asked him numerous times to talk with me about what we each expect from things, and each time I get silence.  He won't agree, he won't disagree, he just ignores me as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away.  He won't tell me he'd prefer doing things with others, he just ignores me, again as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away.  I know he's got a lot on his plate with moving and all, but he still ignores me like I'm fucking garbage.  The least he could do is let me know something, even if just 'hey, I'm busy right now.  Can we talk about it later?'.  But apparently, I'm not even worth that in his mind.

Do I really want to be friends with a lying, disrespectful prat like him?  Do I want to put myself through the whole deal with trying to remain friendly while he treats me like shit?  I am so sick of this.  The guy CLEARLY has no fucking clue how to treat friends, and I've just about had it.  I've had it with being ignored, with being blown off, with his acting like I'm a fucking nuisance.  Trust me, I'm about thisclose to cutting him off for good.  All it would take is him giving me one more reason, and that's it.  I'm through being nice simply because he's a so-called 'nice guy'.  I refuse to stomach it any further.

Freewrite 6/28: Back and Forth

I think the title says it all.  Emotionally, I'm going back and forth.  A lot.  And if you know me well enough, you know I hate the feeling.  I like my emotions to be at least manageable, if not even and somewhat controllable.  It isn't simply my emotions, of course, but right now that's the big thing.

There are times when I want to just sit him down and yell at him.  I want to ask why he would hurt me as deeply and as badly as he did, why he kept treating me like garbage, why he would choose such an asinine, cowardly approach to try and make me leave (since 'being nice wasn't working'), but I know it won't get me anywhere.  He refuses to take the time to give me the answers I need.  Sure, he's given me some, but it feels like I only have more questions.

I want to be near him, but part of me is disgusted at the thought of him (or anyone) even so much as breathing on me.  I want to trust him, but at the same time he aggravated the trust issues I already have.  I want to be friends, yet given his drama queen tendencies I'd just as soon he stay as far away from me as possible.

I think the hardest thing for me is feeling like a chunk of the support I had from him has been eroded.  Part of why I've been working so hard to stay on my own was so he and I could grow as people, as well as growing as a couple.  I've always believed that a couple should see the less-than-positive along with the positive so each member can grow as an individual, and in so doing the pairing can grow stronger.  (As you can tell, I don't really believe in the same ol' same ol'.  That gets stale really fast.)  I also wasn't looking at marriage or any sort of serious commitment at this point.  At some point down the road, when I'm ready?  Sure.  But all I wanted now was to get to know him better, spend time with him, and in the process better establish myself.  But now, I feel as though there's a bit less of a reason for me to keep trying.  He wants as little to do with me as possible (he's even said as much), which also cuts me off from some of the support his family was providing me.  So I'm left feeling like I've just lost the equivalent of two family units in six months.

In talking with my aunt yesterday, she suggested I try reconciling with Mom and moving back to San Diego for a time, if not back with my parents then with my sister and brother-in-law.  And honestly?  That's becoming more and more tempting as time goes on.  Only the fact that I have limited education options if I go back down there keeps me from actually doing so.  I'm putting a lot of hope into getting into Northridge, and most of me wants to stay up here even if those hopes are delayed a few months.  And yet, why should I stay if it feels like I have so little support?

In the end, I still don't know...and what makes it worse is that I may never know.

Freewrite 6/27: Unplugging

In short, I feel like I need to withdraw for a while.  I feel like I'm pretty well depleted emotionally and mentally right now.  Right now, there's little I want more than to curl up somewhere and recharge.  Minimal socializing, minimal of anything that would be hyper-taxing on me.  Just rest and recharge.

I felt it big time at the end of the Faire day yesterday.  Ever hit that wall where you think 'okay, I'm done'?  I did.  It wasn't anything anyone did or said, I just hit that wall.  It hasn't helped that I've had to be both a rock and in need of one these past few weeks.  The thought of having to keep on like this literally makes me tear up.  I can't do it anymore.  I can't function like this anymore.

So, I guess it's time to withdraw for a spell.  I'll still be nearby if I'm needed, I'll still be supportive, and I'll still be doing Faire (and Guild meetings) and related things.  I might even still be up to spending time with friends here and there.  But I can't be there the way I have been for people.  I may not be showing it, but I feel like I'm literally falling apart.

Of Two Minds

In case you couldn't already gather, I've been back, forth, and sideways about how I feel towards Justin.  I figure writing a few things down couldn't hurt.

Here's my thing, I'm of two separate minds about continuing to see him in any capacity whatsoever.  Through most of this, he has been a shallow, selfish individual who has treated me like garbage.  He throws fits when he doesn't get his way, talks down to me for whatever reason, and seems to thin talking is for 'weaklings', judging by how it's been like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything at times.  And honestly?  There's a part of me that feels like being friends with him is equivalent to giving tacit approval of those actions.  Y'know, like it tells him that it's okay that he treated me like shit, I'll be around for more.  I condoned it for too long.  I let him treat me like garbage for way too long, and he needs to answer for that.  The cynic in me doubts he'll ever do so, in which case I don't need him in my life. 

I am seriously tempted to take a page out of my friend Becky's book.  When she learned her godfather helped her ex to keep his leaving a secret from her, she SCREAMED at her godfather over the phone for about two hours, asking him how he could betray her so horribly.  She hates what he did, but she can still forgive.  I'm kind of in that mindset, at least part of me is.  Part of me wants to confront him and rip into him for everything.  It wants to ask how he could justify treating me so horribly, how he could hurt me (even as he proclaimed he didn't mean to be hurtful), how he could do any of the shit that he did to me.  Yet, I know what he does when he's confronted on things.  He doesn't make eye contact, he acts distracted...anything to avoid facing up to what he's done.  Sad, really.

I doubt I'd ever have the heart to rip into him the way I wish I could.  I'm too soft for that.  If nothing else, I would like to talk with him directly about things (as opposed to over chat or the phone).  Maybe either take a walk and talk about them, or do so right before going to sleep, or something.  I won't hold my breath that it'll ever happen, but it would be nice since he has said he wants to remain friends.  Otherwise, how can I remain friends with someone who treated me so badly, then claimed he didn't want to be hurtful?

Freewrite 6/24: Hurt

I feel like I've failed in some ways in all of this.

I go into relationships to work with the other person so we both can be happy.  Obviously, I was happy with Justin.  I loved his company, wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to do things with him...anything I could to keep getting to know who he was.  But I couldn't make him happy.  As hard as I might try, as much effort as I kept trying to put in, I couldn't do it.  I kept trying, but it wasn't enough.  I gave what I could, but it wasn't enough.  I love him, even as I feel like I completely failed, like I can't do anything right.

Sometimes I wonder if Mom's snide little comment about being unwanted is more accurate than I'll let myself admit.  Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be happy....

Freewrite 6/22: Hydra

I'll start off by saying I'm feeling much calmer than I have been over the past few days.  I still hurt here and there, but it isn't quite as bad as it had been.  I think the angry, raw edges are finally cooling off somewhat, as it were.  It doesn't mean what I've already said doesn't still stand, but I don't feel the same seething blend of emotion that I'd felt.

The majority of it has to do with him.  He's actually giving me answers, instead of ignoring me or being evasive.  He's apologizing for being hurtful, acknowledging I have a reason to be hurt.  I have friends who say to tread lightly given his 'drama queen' actions in the past, so I'm remaining cautious yet optimistic.  In short, he is doing what I always wished my ex would have done after sending that breakup letter.  He's actually trying to be there, trying to help however he can.  (Case in point: He sent me a text this morning wishing me a Happy Anniversary even though he figured it was a moot point.  I admit it stung a tiny bit, but it also did cheer me up some, and I thanked him for it.)

Still, it feels like for every question I have answered, two more pop up in its place.  The infuriating part for me is that those two questions are often so nebulous that I can't even quantify them well enough to ask.  So I sit there feeling like I have all these things to ask, but not knowing the way to ask them.  For someone like me, it's not a very enjoyable feeling.  Ick.

Anyway, I digress...

Here's something that puzzles me slightly.  So he keeps saying he never intended to be hurtful, he didn't want to hurt me, and various other permutations of that thought.  And yet, he knew he was hurting me every time he threw one of his 'I want out!  I don't feel the same way I did!' fits.  He said he didn't want to be nice so I wouldn't keep hanging onto him, yet his being a jerk toward me really hurt me.  I can't hate him of all people, yet his logic quirks make my eyes cross slightly.  I mean, you would think that one would realize being a jerk would be quite hurtful to someone, and you'd try a different tack.  Meh, I do think about things in different ways than other people, I could be missing something here.

The other thing that still slightly puzzles me is redefining the two of us and what we can do together.  He wants to be friends (with a 'MAYBE we can get back together in the future, but don't plan toward that' bend to it), and I don't have an issue pulling back.  However, what makes me a bit nervous is that he doesn't seem to want to do things with me, even as friends.  I mention them in the phrasing of 'casual date/outing' (like he and I did a few times before we became a couple) and he's really resistant to the idea.  Here's my thing.  I love to do things with other people if I feel close enough to them.  I'm fine alone, yet I enjoy and appreciate being with others.  I love sharing time and experiences with friends, and he's certainly no exception.  It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a 'date', it could easily be, say, sharing a few minutes during a day at Faire, or talking together after a Guild meeting, or seeing a movie together after a meeting or for the hell of it.  No strings, no expectations, just sharing each others' company while we're both working on ourselves.  I miss that more than anything.

I guess we shall see.

Freewrite 6/21: Wind Down (AKA: What he needs)

Tomorrow would have been our anniversary.  The guy didn't even want to make the effort to last an entire year; he petered out pretty much at the last minute (and just before FAIRE, when he and I often would do things together).  Believe me when I say that this hurts more than words could ever fully quantify.  That he would take an event (Faire) and a milestone (a one-year anniversary) and totally disregard both of them when he knows their meaning to me shows what a true jackass he is. 

But then, why am I surprised?  This is a guy who really hasn't got a clue.  He's already lost a number of friends due to his behavior, and I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I want to remain friends with him.  I may not be perfect myself (in fact, I know I'm not), but I do know where he can work on things.

~He needs to grow up and STOP WHINING.  Seriously, this is the number-one thing I hear from people about him.  He whines when he doesn't get his way, he whines when he gets his way because 'things aren't how he expected them to be' or somesuch, then he whines when things change because he's 'OMG, so lonely/busy/life sucks/whatever'.  Really?  Seriously?  Man up and talk like a reasonable person, and maybe people won't think you're an annoying git.  He also needs to stop with the 'Waaaaahhh!  Things aren't going my way so I'll throw a pseudo-angry fit!' that he's lobbed at me a few times.  I didn't cave when my Dad threw fits like that, so I won't cave when anyone else does either.

~He needs to STOP with the condescending talk about things which he has NO FUCKING CLUE.  He seriously told me that 5-6 months is 'plenty of time' to be over the issues I dealt with back in San Diego.  I'd love to introduce him to people whom I have met who have NEVER gotten over the trauma their parent(s) inflicted on them.  Honestly, he is the son of a Psychiatrist!  You would think he would have at least a cursory understanding of trauma and healing when it comes to mental health issues.  But no.  He would speak down to me about them, then tell me I'm 'overreacting' and that I need to read his Dad's book.  Pfffft, like a book has all the answers for every single situation and nuance that comes up.  Um, how about 'I read it, it has some good information, but it's not a cure-all, so fuck you'?

Example from Sunday: He knows damn well that I still have issues with my mother.  Yet, he STILL chose to use an analogy that triggered me when it comes to her.  He told me about how a 'mother bird has to kick the baby bird out of the nest'.  Yeah, I already had that happen...and it was something I would NEVER wish on anyone else.  Needless to say, he got a very loud earful on that one.

In short, he needs to know when to offer advice to others and when to just shut up.  He's hardly an expert, his experience/knowledge is NOT one size fits all, and he needs to learn and understand that.

(On a side-note in terms of the whole 'family' thing, it seems like he superficially understands how painful things are for me, but because his own family is so loving and supportive, he can't allow himself to fully relate.  Yet another reason he should shut up and learn from other people and their experiences.)

~He needs to learn to keep his ego in check, to stop making himself the center of attention, and to actually talk to people and treat them properly.  It often feels like he doesn't want a girlfriend more than he wants a 'See?  I'm not gay!' piece of arm candy who won't give him any trouble.  That way, he doesn't have to change, to learn to properly communicate, to do anything that might upset his worldview.  There were a lot of times when he and I would argue that it felt like I could have helped head off trouble had he merely communicated things better to me, or apologized when/if there was a misunderstanding.  I've told him he needs to learn to balance between him and the other person during interactions, but he still refuses to get it.  And that will hold him back personally and professionally in more ways than anyone could count.

I could go on, but I'll leave it here for now.

In the end, I don't know.  I feel like I'm picking on him, picking him apart, whatever you want to call it, but I feel like it has to be said.  I'm still friends with one friend of his who had cut him off, and she said she's still waiting for him to actually start growing up before she'll even consider letting him back into her life.  And the only reason her boyfriend hasn't cut him off is similar to my own reasoning; all we're doing is seeing just how badly he can disappoint us before we leave.  And really, if those of us who really care about him leave, what does that leave him with?

Freewrite 6/20: Haze

So it's official.  Justin and I are no longer together.

We agreed to go ahead and end things, and I'm not sure how to take it.  Patti (our Guildmistress) talked with both of us, and she advised him to be gentle with me for a while.  She told him how much it was hurting me, reminded him how much I loved him, and kept telling him to be patient while I was getting through things.  Considering his attempts at 'gentle' included lecturing me about how I was reacting, I somehow have reason to worry about how things will go from here.

I admit, I feel a lot of different ways right now.  I literally came thisclose to quitting the Guild for good because of him.  I told Bill and Patti I was reaching my breaking point with dealing with his behavior, and I didn't think I could handle being near him at Faire.  I really don't think I can fully describe just how much his actions and his behavior hurt me.  Every time he threw a fit about how something or other that I was doing bothered him, it just cut that much more deeply.  And honestly, I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with it.  I'd thought about joining Jenna (Lady Lana) over with Shadow Walkers and the Belladonna Inn, or joining one of the Irish guilds...anything if it kept me from seeing him on a regular basis.  But I plan on staying, so I need to learn to deal with the guy, childish as he may be at times.

The worst part about the weekend was the jerk-ass comment he made.  I don't care who it was intended for, it hurt like hell and it was uncalled for.  See, I've been breaking in a new pair of heels, which led to a few raw spots on my heels (which naturally hurt when I wear shoes).  So my guildmate Jeff and I were bantering back and forth about it, with him telling me to stop doing whatever hurt me.  I asked him if he planned on carrying me everywhere I needed to go, and he said that was Justin's job, to which Justin (who was nearby at the time) cheerfully replied "Not anymore!".  I so wanted to deck him at that point (to his credit, he did apologize for it when I pointed it out later). 

It's just like any other time when he talks down to me about how I'm "overreacting" about things or "being too emotional".  Fuck.  You.  Asshole.  I'm hurting, and all you can do is talk at me like you know better than I do how I should feel.  He's been really hurt by people in the past, so I would think he would have empathy toward someone he's hurting in such a way.  I really don't mean to be angry or flaming toward him, but he is so damn clueless about just how much he hurt me.  He treated me like I didn't matter, like whatever I felt was meaningless to him, then he had the NERVE to lecture me about my own feelings.  All the love, the support...everything I gave him doesn't seem like it meant anything to him in the end.  He even told me at one point that my feelings felt like a nuisance to him.  So yeah.  He and I have always been close, but right now I'm not sure whether to remain friends with him, or tell him to go fuck himself.

As much as I'm complimented on how I'm handling things, I hurt.  Plain and simple.  I fucking hurt.  And the more I think about it, the more it seems that cutting off feeling again is the best thing for me.  Just sever any and all emotion and go through life like that.  What I can't feel won't hurt me, right?  I so do not want to go through this again; hell, I didn't want to go through it THIS time.  Twice in as many years...why don't I just cut off for good and get it over with?  Along with my trying to heal from the shit I went through with my parents, I did NOT need this to add to the plate of 'things that totally fuck Andrea over emotionally'.

In the end...I just don't know anymore.

Freewrite 6/17: My Ally

The hardest thing for me over these past few months has been feeling isolated from family.  I can't talk to my parents without finishing the conversation feeling incredibly mixed, and the thought of talking to my sis only holds slightly more pleasure at this point.  That's why I'm so glad my extended Iowa family has found me on FaceBook; yet even then I wasn't sure I could really talk to them or rely on them.  I honestly thought I'd have to fight my battles on my own.  I think that's why I was clinging so hard to Justin.  I didn't want to feel like I was totally on my own in all of this, and he helped me feel a bit less so.

But my relatives have really come through for me with their support, their care, and their love.  I still have a ways to go, but with them ready at hand, I feel even more like I can do it.

One aunt in particular rises above all of them and is especially dear and special to me.  My Aunt Mary Lou, Mom's sister.  She's a nurse back in Iowa, and she has been so incredibly encouraging of me doing Nursing.  Well, to be fair, she's been incredibly supportive of many things I choose to do, and she's been so patient and good to me these past few weeks.  I love that she's been willing to help me, yet I also feel horrible for leaning on her.

You see, she has breast cancer.  She found out about it a few days before I moved last month, and she's been fighting it with everything she has.  (Luckily, it was found at about Stage I.)  I talk to her as often as I can, so I heard about her biopsy last week, and learned from another of my aunts about her bilateral mastectomy yesterday.  She just got home today, and she's not only in great spirits, but she's incredibly supportive of my decision to pursue Northridge.  She said we each have a battle we're righting, and even though they aren't the same battle, she said we'll fight them together.  Neither of us will give up, we promised each other that.

I'm sitting here crying as I write this, thinking about how different our fights are.  She didn't choose her battle, it was foisted on her, yet she's fighting it with everything she has.  I chose this path for myself, and I'm fighting for what I believe it best for me.  Our fights couldn't be any different, but she wants us to beat them together.  That means so much more to me than anyone could ever know, that she won't abandon me, or make me worry about making mistakes, or anything I might be afraid of.  She'll be there for me, and I'll work hard to make sure she has a front-row seat at Graduation time when I receive my first Bachelor's degree.

New tag, same old feelings

So I wanted to bring in a new tag for my postings.  The 'emotion' tag is for those posts that are between freewrites, but aren't quite 'fluff'.  They tend to be more serious musings on my feelings and othersuch.

I've had thoughts about him on my mind, so I'll start there.  I feel like I'm making significant progress, but I feel like it doesn't matter, since I don't get much of a response from him.  I wish I had a sign of some kind that told me he's not only reading, but that he is supportive in whatever ways he can be.  I'm the only person who can do all of this for myself, but I would be grateful to know he's watching and cheering me on from the background, maybe even waiting for the right time to step forward.

I was recently asked what it is about him that draws me to him, that makes me care for him.  Well, it's a bit of a list, but I guess I could share a few things.  As I've mentioned in the past, he makes me feel human.  He makes me feel like I'm a real person, instead of a label, or a GPA, or whatever other ways I've been thought of in the past.  With him, I'm not judged by any standard except what makes me 'Andrea'.  That has been a HUGE boost to me when things have been difficult.

He encourages me to lighten up, to laugh and have fun.  I've always been a bit on the reserved side, but with his encouragement I've been gradually opening up to more people.  Not only am I meeting new people, I'm reconnecting with ones I already know in different, more positive ways.  (I also feel like my healing from my last breakup would have taken a lot longer had Justin not been there and been encouraging of me.)

Even though I wish he would verbalize it more, I do love how he supports and appreciates what I do.  See, I tend to equate silence from those closest to me with disapproval, so it's hard when something good happens and all I hear is the equivalent of '....'.  To his credit, he does tell me how supportive he is when I ask, so I can't totally fault him here.

I love how he's been subtly encouraging me to be more independent and more open to exploring.  He doesn't want me to sit and wait for him to help me with things, he wants me to do them myself.  He doesn't want me putting on hold things I want to do until we can do them together, he wants me to do them myself (and hopefully, he wants me to enjoy them just as much by myself, which I do even though I wish he could join in the fun with me).

I feel like he's helped me to realize just how strong, how resiliant, how...everything I am.  He's helped me in so many positive ways that I can't even begin to count them.

If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in San Diego, wondering how I was going to start my life.

If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be doubtful that loving someone was worth the trouble.

If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have met the people whom I know through/because of him, some of whom are now very good friends of mine.

If it hadn't been for him, I'd never have challenged my comfort zone and travelled up to visit him, let alone travelled to Ojai for the first time.  I'd have kept only doing the Escondido Faire and thought that was all the Faire I needed to be happy.

If it hadn't been for him, I would have thought I couldn't dream for myself anymore.

If it hadn't been for him, I'd still have no idea of just how much potential I have at my disposal.  Even if I did, I wouldn't have a clue on how to use it if it hadn't been for him.

In the end, If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be learning how to be me.  He has given me the strength to learn how to be who I am.  He gives me the strength to jump and to take risks again, knowing that things will work themselves out in the end.

I wish I knew how to tell him everything I feel for him.  Maybe this will be a good start.  Well, this and what I plan for Faire this weekend.  (Nothing big, nor distracting, nor in-character.  Something small and just between us.)

Freewrite 6/16: Balance

I guess you could say I re-realized what it is I'm really seeking.  To put it simply, I seek to go back to the balance I've had in the past.  I've always been someone who tried to do things in moderation, to balance the positive and the negative, and I need to get back to that core focus.

So what happened to knock me out of that balance?  Mm, I think it was something that had always lingered in some ways.  My parents (mother especially) always held me back from being more independent, from learning how to fend for myself better.  And I resented it.  I resented every time she quipped that I couldn't survive on my own, that I needed to be taken care of.  She may not have said it explicitly, but her behaviors told me that loud and clear.  But I kept up something of a balance because I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd be gone, one way or another.

Then, something happened that I really didn't expect of myself.  If you guessed it was my letting myself get closer to Justin, I yet again owe you a gold star.  About the time I started getting closer to him, things started to deteriorate at home with my parents.  They were tiny things, little tensions that were pointless to share on their own.  But they were starting to add up, and I had no idea what to do about them.  I held onto Justin partially because he made me happy and let me focus on something besides my homelife falling apart around me.  I also held onto him because he was something I knew for a fact was steady.  Home-wise, things were unsteady, and I had no idea how to fix them in a way that would make everyone satisfied (if not happy).  So I tried to balance that out by focusing on what made me happy, to attempt to find a new balance.

And for a while, it seemed to work.  I could function and I could deal with what was going on around me.  But things kept deteriorating at home, especially right when my feelings in a new relationship should be changing from the more 'honeymoon phase'-esque to the more settled.  So I kept that feeling going, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to function.  (Too much stress over an extended period of time turns me into a basket case.  Not pretty.)

I guess the TL;DR version of all that is this: I felt stuck.  I felt like there wasn't anything there to encourage me.  I felt like I wasn't given the chance to really find out who I was and what I could be capable of.  And when I wanted to change all of that, it was taken as a personal attack by people who should have been supportive.  (Seriously, being asked how it feels to be unwanted, and being called 'street person' and told you should sleep in the garage aren't really marks of a loving separation.)

I remember around the time of my birthday that Justin told me my parents were 'defective', as it were.  He saw I was sad they hadn't really acknowledged my birthday, and encouraged me to spend time with the new 'family' I had established.  And that's precisely what I plan to do.  Keep working on my focus with those beside me who show they really care.  I don't know what's going to happen with school and life, or when, or anything like that.  But I have options I can utilize until I have those answers.

Freewrite 6/15: Finding Me

I've often pondered if one can really erase deeply entrenched behavior and thought patterns in 5-6 months, as Justin seems to suggest.  Having experienced these past 5-6 months, I can say that it largely depends on the person and the patterns.  Erasing 20+ years of having 95% of life provided to you isn't going to go away that readily.  And here's my other thought: Even if it had, what would be left to take its place?  Who would I be when I stopped being that person?  What good would it do me if I didn't have a different sense of self waiting to take over?  I'd be no better than I was, and might even be a bit worse off.

So before I can be 'Little Miss 150% Independent', I've needed to simply be 'Little Miss Independent'.  I needed to psychologically move away from the fishbowl I essentially grew up in.  For as long as I can remember, I've always been known by a label, not by who I am.  I've always been 'The Chiropractor's Daughter', or 'Stephanie's Little Sister', or 'Mother's Spitting Image' (seriously, Mom and I could almost be twins, I resemble her so much).  I've never really been seen as just, well, 'Andrea'.  So the last 5-6 months have been spent distancing myself from the old labels, getting myself away from the fishbowl and out into the koi pond with the big fish.  And I've been okay, all things considered.  I'm a lot less timid, a lot more capable of leaning on myself, instead of everyone else.  I still lean on others when I'm unsure, or I need advice, but isn't that everyone at some point or other?

I have a Focus now.  (Gods, that sounds so FF XIII.  I hope when it's complete I'm not turned into crystal.)  It may not be something that happens immediately, but it's something I can work towards.  All I need is patience, time, and support.

(Going back to Justin, I prefer to keep my feelings private at this time.  When the time is right, I'll share them with him.)

Freewrite 6/14: Things to do

I've come to the conclusion that even the strongest, most put-together individuals do have their weak points here and there.  They aren't necessarily fatal weaknesses, just those little cracks and chinks in their armor that can cause small wounds.  It's all part of being human, methinks.

I feel like the limbo-esque transition period I've been in since December is winding down.  I'm still not perfectly independent, but I've made a lot of progress since then.  And I plan to continue making progress in whatever ways I can.  I've got great friends and a great extended family who are supportive and loving, so I think I'll be fine.  Not as sure about him at this immediate snapshot in time, but meh.  He can do as he pleases, though part of me hopes he's at least mildly supportive in his way.

One complaint I do have is about distracted I've felt this past week.  If you read my Facebook, you've seen that I'm pondering switching from Mortuary Science at a Community College level to Cal State Northridge.  I have conditional acceptance to CSUN, I can essentially get my entire education covered there, and I can work on my first Bachelor's degree, then go back to school in a couple years and get a BS in Nursing.  Don't get me wrong, I love Mortuary Science, and I have a new appreciation for the industry based on the classes and my job.  But my love has always been Medical/Healthcare.  I also have the issue of not being able to receive further financial aid at the CC level due to my high unit count and the fact I have two Associate's degrees from Palomar (General Studies, still better than absolutely nothing methinks.)

As far as education goes, I have two options due to the fact I missed getting an Algebra class that's needed for transfer to CSUN.  I can still get fee waivers from Cypress, so I can retake any courses from Spring that I did poorly in, take the missing Algebra class, then start attending CSUN in Spring.  Or I can take the route I plan to take:  Write an appeals letter telling the folks at CSUN Admissions what happened and why I didn't get that last class, fax it to them, and see if they allow me to attend in Fall (I'll even mention if I'm accepted for Fall, the Algebra is the first class I plan on enrolling in).  If it works, great.  If not, I'll fall back to plan A up there and see how I can attend in Spring.  Hey, it's worth a shot, isn't it?

So that's my status as of today.  Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone.

Freewrite 6/13: Holding Steady

So it's been a couple days since my last posting in here.  How have I been doing, you might wonder?

Surprisingly well, all things considered.  I've had a few rough spots where I need to excuse myself and cry a little, but nothing serious.  I still live, I still talk to people, I still do my thing...what more could I really ask for right now?

One thing I keep asking myself is how much I really want to feel.  For anyone new to my corner of existence, let me clarify.  A couple years ago, my last boyfriend broke up with me in a really awful way.  We had an apartment ready to move into and everything, he balked at the move, blew me off for a month, then broke up with me via letter.  When he did, I literally could not function.  Any time I attempted to do so, I would break down emotionally and psychologically (my nadir was one night when I casually entertained suicide as a means of getting rid of the pain.  Yeah, it was bad.)  I knew I had two choices, either continue to deteriorate, or cut off my emotions until time distanced me from what the jerkass did.  It was still difficult, and I still cried a lot, but at least I was functioning.

Yesterday (Sunday) I contemplated cutting off again.  I was in the middle of a really rough point, I was hurting, and I pondered shutting down fully again.  I think I still consider it off and on even now.  My problem (or virtue, depending on your perspective) is that I am a very feeling, very emotional individual.  It's how I connect with others, and it's helped me help others in more ways than I can count.  The downside is I feel emotional pain extremely acutely, to where it can be debilitating for me psychologically.  Hence my choice last time to cut off; the less I feel, the easier to work through things.  My worry this time was that I wouldn't want to re-engage if I cut off again; cutting off twice in as many years might tempt me into simply not letting myself feel at all.

So I continue to feel, and I continue to press on.  I've had a lot of love and support from friends these past few days, which I've been grateful for.  I hurt here and there, but it doesn't really slow me down.  'Holding steady' feels like a good descriptor for my current place in the world.

Other than all this, not much else I can say.

Freewrite 6/11: Only a temporary downer

(This was a crosspost from my FB.  Out of respect to Justin, I'm removing it here as well as from FB.)

I'm not sure what to think or to feel right now.  I feel better than I did earlier, when Justin first suggested dialing back for a while, but there's still a lot of uncertainty.

I'm not entirely sure that I'm the right person to deal with uncertainty.  Try as I may to deny it, I am the Chiropractor's daughter, the future Nurse...I'm not really in a field that likes a lot of unknowns and uncertainty.  In the hospital, I saw what happened when things were uncertain.  At home, I saw and experienced what happened when things weren't certain.  None of it was ever pretty.  But right now, I'm dealing with enough uncertainty to last me a while, and I don't know what to do about it.

As for Justin, I...I just don't know.  There are still a lot more questions than answers with him, and I don't know if or when I'd get answers.  To an extent, he seemed more interested in scolding me and telling me what I needed to do than he did in giving answers; but then again, he was rather tired.  He did say he wants a cooling-off period, as it were.  He didn't know how long of one he might need, just that he felt he needed one.  From there, I don't know.  I know I have things to work at, but not knowing if/when he'll be back in my life (and what status) bothers me.  I could go on and on, but I doubt it would do anything other than make me anxious.

And yet, in spite of everything, I still love him.  And I still plan to use the energy in that love to keep fueling myself.  I don't know if he'll be there when I'm ready, or the limits of that 'fuel', but I have to keep pushing forward.  Push forward, and hope he'll be there, at this time of night it's all I can do.

Anyway, I have reading that I promised him I'd do.  I should get back to it.

Freewrite 6/9: The Wringer

Okay, I've been really bad about updating this.  That tends to happen when you go three weeks without your own internet, work allows only minimal 'Net access, and it's hard to find time to get to the nearest Library.  But I have an awesome housemate who lets me use his internet as much as I like (and when I asked if he wanted me to reimburse him for the usage, he declined), so here I am again.

And not a moment too soon, based on how I'm feeling as of recently.  Part of my sensitivity may be hormones, much of it isn't.  I've reached out to others, now it's time to put it up here as well.

And yes, the ventage is about Justin.  I don't care if this makes him unhappy or anything else.  It's been too long held in.

In short, I am so very tired of feeling like I can't win with this guy.  If everyone remembers back in February, he was complaining about not seeing me enough, about how he felt like I was a girlfriend 'in name only' how we should be Friends With Benefits...all that garbage.  Apparently, I've since gone too far the other way (especially since moving down here to Fullerton) and now he's been complaining again, only this time that I always want to talk to him, that my wishful thinking shows I can't function without him, so on, so forth.  He tells me to go out and meet people so he's not my 'sole' emotional support and all that nonsense.  He's also essentially thrown a fit, telling me how 'unhappy' he is, how 'he doesn't feel the same way' anymore, and all that shit.  Any attempt I've made to talk with him is met with him being passive-aggressive and trying to pin things wholly on me.  ('I tried using my words.  You don't listen.'  Um, no, you threw a temper tantrum when you KNOW damn well that I don't give into tantrums.  Dumbass.)

So I'm at a bit of a crossroads here.  I'm trying to make improvements in my life that will make things easier for me, but his attitude is taking an emotional toll on me.  I love the guy dearly, and I expect a great deal from him, as anyone else in his life will.  (Seriously, if we did break up, what makes him think any other girl would put up with his behavior any better than I have?  He'd be back at Square One again in no time.)  I've always been taught that you should fight for something if you want it badly enough, and as such I don't plan on giving up on him until he shows me definitively that he's beyond hope.

What do I expect from him?  Simple.  I expect him to treat me with courtesy and respect, to not talk down to me, treat me like a child, or act like he knows better than I do how to run things in my life. 

I expect that he talk with me when he feels there's an issue, so we can work together and try to find a middle ground we're both at least okay with.  In a similar vein, I expect that he do so without resorting to throwing a grown-up equivalent of a temper tantrum.

I expect that, if an invitation from him must be rescinded, it be rescinded with a sincere apology and at least a query about spending time together in the near-future, without any false 'I'm sorry you're upset, but you have to accept...' crap.  (Yes, he has used that line on me before, almost to the letter.) 

I expect to be able to wish he could join me for things I'm doing (or here and there wishing to join him at events he's partaking in), without him getting pissy at me for wishing.

I expect to be able to turn to him for at least some emotional support, though certainly not ALL the support I need.  If he feels overwhelmed, or that he can't help me, then he needs to tell me such in a courteous manner.

I expect to not be told for the millionth time that he 'doesn't see us getting married', even though I have NEVER brought up the subject with him, asides from telling him I'm not ready for it myself.

In short, I am to be treated with the courtesy and respect that I deserve, no matter what he thinks my perceived 'affronts' to his delicate ego are.  It's the same way in which I regard him, after all.  I may have my flaws, my shortcomings, and so on, but I wouldn't be me without them.  As such, I will be DAMNED if I let some guy make me feel like shit for merely being human and being in transition in my life.  After all, it isn't as though he's any more perfect than I am; if anything I'm better off since at least my issues don't piss off 2/3 of the people around me.