Freewrite 3/15: Unsteady

Sometimes, I wonder if this whole transitional period with Justin will work out.

Don't get me wrong.  I still plan on fulfilling my end to the best of my abilities.  I still plan on being as self-sufficient as I can.  The job at the Mortuary is a huge shot in the arm towards that goal, both for money reasons and for emotional ones.  Trust me, it's tough to feel much about myself when I think about the people we assist on a daily basis.  Sure, I wish I could share more with him since this is such a positive thing for me.  But I'm happy like this as well.

But I really have to wonder if all of the progress I'm making will even make any difference in the end.  I could be working on things he asked me to work on, and I could be making real progress.  But would it be enough for him?  I don't even know what limits he wants to put on us seeing each other for the time being; who's to say that any improvements I make to myself would even be enough?  Does he have some sort of goal in mind for me in all this, where he can consider all of this 'successful' if I either achieve it 100% or I show that I'm close to achieving it?  Or are the goalposts always in motion, to the point where I could accomplish everything asked of me and it still wouldn't be enough?

I know what I feel for him, but it hurts that I don't even know what he might feel for me.  I don't know if he's still in that rut he seemed to be in back around Valentine's Day, when he acknowledged the Honeymoon period was over.  I don't know if he even feels anything, and is simply humoring me until he decides leaving is the better option.  I hope for better than that from him, but I really don't know.  His distancing himself is okay for both of us for the time being, but here and there it leaves me feeling a bit unsteady, so to speak.  I don't know if he notices the progrss I'm making, and I don't know if he cares.  Even if he does, he won't show any of it, not even a little bit to me.

I know I have to keep soldiering on.  But even a 'soldier' has to shed a few tears from time to time.