I hate to use the term 'blind', since (in spite of my need for corrective lenses) I still can see. But I feel like I'm wandering in a sort of metaphorical blindness in some regards. By that, I mean I don't know where to go, where to turn, what to do...any of it. It's like those zero-visibility fogs that crop up sometimes when the weather is just right, and you can't see your hand in front of your face. My home life isn't causing it; in fact, Cindy goes out of her way to inform me about things and make sure I understand what's going on in terms of rent, household tasks, and anything else that comes up. So I'm thankful that that is somewhat stable, it gives me the grounding I need that will help me as time goes on.
If anyone guesses it's about whatever emotional ties I have to Justin, I owe you another gold star.
Wait, let me back up a click. I feel like all I do in this space is complain and show only the negative side of him. And yes, the guy is an epic idiot at times who can't seem to think much beyond his own little sphere. But he's a sweet, gentle soul whom I care for more than just about anything. If he had no redeeming traits, I wouldn't love him as much as I do, now would I? I don't know where things will head with him, but I'm trying to stay as optimistic as possible.
And that often doesn't feel very possible. I often feel like I'm playing a game with him where he knows the rules, he's in charge of the rules, he can change them at will, and he only lets me know what rules he thinks I should know. I know it makes me seem extremely paranoid, and I hate feeling like that, but that's what it feels like at times. I feel like every time I make a mistake, it's one more mark in his mind against me; what makes it worse is that I often don't know exactly how it's a mistake until after I make it (and he tells me). Like last night. I asked if there might be a chance of us spending time together Friday night if I'm off work. I offered to pull together dinner and suggested we catch a movie together or somesuch. Now, I don't have an issue with him turning the idea down. What I have an issue with is the feeling that any mistakes I make will count against me in the long run. I made the mistake of showing him that I was (admittedly) slightly disappointed that he refused. He went off from that, telling me that actions like those don't give him much confidence that I'll be fine without him and so on. Never mind that it's a perfectly normal emotion to express.
It feels like such a petty thing to complain about, but it makes me worry. I worry I'm locked in some tit-for-tat game, one that I'll lose if I happen to rack up enough of the 'wrong' points. Never mind that I'm human, that I'm still in a bit of a 'fine-tuning adjustment' mode, that I'm otherwise improving quite a bit from where I was. I show a slip here and there, show that I (gasp!) actually care for him and miss him, and he seems to believe I'm not going to make it.
The emotional impact is rough on me right now. If I felt I could cut myself off again emotionally, I would do so in a second. I did it before to protect myself after Tom broke things off with me, especially since the pain was great enough to where I would have done anything to make it stop had I not cut my emotions off. (Yes, I do mean 'anything'.) I don't want to have to do that to myself all over again, but if he won't even communicate to me clearly what he expects, if he keeps making me the last to know things, then I may have to. My only problem from there would be trying not to make that cut permanent, to where I don't let myself feel anything. I came close to that point last time, and I barely pulled myself back from it then. I don't know if I could do the same thing again.
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