I was pondering this as I travelled to school this morning. From my current location, the only feasible way for me to make my Wednesday morning class on time is to take the Metrolink. It's a nice way to travel, don't get me wrong. Hell, I'd stretch things a bit and say it's my favorite way to travel. You just have to get used to the schedule.
This morning, I was thinking as I changed trains in Union Station. I noticed that I tend to get a bit wistful as I take the trains to/from school (or wherever else I might need to take it). It's a strange habit that I tend to do unconsciously. I know why it is, but it doesn't make it any less bothersome when it comes up. I guess I've missed those times when I'd travel up from San Diego to see Justin for a weekend a month or so. I miss him from time to time as well, miss what we used to really share and talk about. If things turn out the way I'm hoping they will in the next few weeks or so, I'll have even more reason to miss him, at least for the interim. But we shall see.
Short posting today. I have other things on my mind, but it's too soon to say anything about them, lest I jinx things.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Freewrite 3/29: What I need
I was asked a while back what I feel I need from Justin. At the time, I was so busy worrying about settling myself that I really didn't have a straight answer to give. But now, I think I do. (This may be added to at a later time this morning, due to time constraints.)
The biggest thing I feel he needs to work on with me is communicating. I know, I know. It's the same thing he's said I need to work on with him, but it's true. He has just as much issue (if not more) with communicating things to me as I do with him. The biggest things I take issue with are the lacking communication and the timing of talking with me, as it were.
The former is rather frustrating to deal with. I'll ask him a question, and he won't answer. I'll talk to him about something, he'll give a vague 'we'll see' and I never hear about it again. A bit more openness would help a lot here, for lack of a better way of putting it.
The latter gets extremely frustrating as well. As you've likely seen me vent in here, he will tend to literally leave communicating about things until the last minute, when I keep having to prod him about them. Only when I prod enough do I get an answer, and it often winds up annoying both of us in the process. I can't read his mind, I can't know what he's really wanting/thinking unless he actually steps up and tells me. I know he doesn't really plan things in advance or anything of that sort, but working with me to make sure we're both on the same page would be somewhat helpful.
Of course, there might be one or two other things. But I don't have time right now to get into them. They'll have to wait until next time.
The biggest thing I feel he needs to work on with me is communicating. I know, I know. It's the same thing he's said I need to work on with him, but it's true. He has just as much issue (if not more) with communicating things to me as I do with him. The biggest things I take issue with are the lacking communication and the timing of talking with me, as it were.
The former is rather frustrating to deal with. I'll ask him a question, and he won't answer. I'll talk to him about something, he'll give a vague 'we'll see' and I never hear about it again. A bit more openness would help a lot here, for lack of a better way of putting it.
The latter gets extremely frustrating as well. As you've likely seen me vent in here, he will tend to literally leave communicating about things until the last minute, when I keep having to prod him about them. Only when I prod enough do I get an answer, and it often winds up annoying both of us in the process. I can't read his mind, I can't know what he's really wanting/thinking unless he actually steps up and tells me. I know he doesn't really plan things in advance or anything of that sort, but working with me to make sure we're both on the same page would be somewhat helpful.
Of course, there might be one or two other things. But I don't have time right now to get into them. They'll have to wait until next time.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Freewrite 3/28 2/2: Potential Hope
I hate to get my hopes up too high, but I figured it was worth writing this all down. It seems Justin actually is taking a lot of my prior venting to heart (at least on the surface he is). He's started actually talking about planning for the podcast and such more openly, instead of keeping me in the dark about things. While I'm still likely not going to be of much contribution at this point, at least it's something. And at least I feel more included, instead of being shut out until a week or so before, as I was this last weekend. I made sure to let him know that I appreciated his doing so.
Victoria apologized if she and Jared made me feel shut out. But they really didn't. She explained that they really didn't want to risk aggravating things between Justin and me, since they knew about the troubles he and I seemed to be having. I don't blame them in the least for anything; personally, I'd rather he take responsibility for his actions. I really don't care how noble he thought he was being, he took entirely the wrong approach, and he got called on it severely. It would have been one thing for me to decline an event due to prior responsibilities, but to not even be told about it at all, to find out when it's posted as an event on Facebook...it's a bit hard to process. I have free will for a reason, and I'd like the chance to use it, thanks.
From here, I don't know. I've intentionally not kept up with the podcast since I felt so unwelcome about possibly contributing to it. I'll see how I feel with time, and I might listen to it and start contributing to topics here and there. I think there's still a mild sour taste left with how he handled it all, nothing more.
Victoria apologized if she and Jared made me feel shut out. But they really didn't. She explained that they really didn't want to risk aggravating things between Justin and me, since they knew about the troubles he and I seemed to be having. I don't blame them in the least for anything; personally, I'd rather he take responsibility for his actions. I really don't care how noble he thought he was being, he took entirely the wrong approach, and he got called on it severely. It would have been one thing for me to decline an event due to prior responsibilities, but to not even be told about it at all, to find out when it's posted as an event on Facebook...it's a bit hard to process. I have free will for a reason, and I'd like the chance to use it, thanks.
From here, I don't know. I've intentionally not kept up with the podcast since I felt so unwelcome about possibly contributing to it. I'll see how I feel with time, and I might listen to it and start contributing to topics here and there. I think there's still a mild sour taste left with how he handled it all, nothing more.
Morning freewrite 3/28: More wishing
As promised, that morning writing that I said I'd hammer out once I got some sleep and became more lucid (even slightly).
So yes. My venting blog post from last night got his attention. To be honest, I'm not even sure why all that still was bothering me. I'd gone through the same things a couple weeks back, worked through them, and essentially thought that was that. Apparently it wasn't, as all that crap rebounded in a rather annoying manner. Still, between writing it all out and firing up my 360 to kill things, I felt better.
I do feel bad that I triggered him so badly, that really wasn't my intention. Granted, he did have that anime convention he went to, and I'm sure his being tired after the weekend didn't help things on his end very much. But I'd meant it to let things out, not upset him. Still, it ended up being something constructive, as he shared a bit more with me about him. He admitted he didn't want me totally out of his life, but that he didn't know what he wanted from me, from us, or even from himself. Honestly, it's not an incredibly huge surprise to hear that from him; I've had a feeling along those lines for some time. I reminded him that we're both still learning in all this, and we need to be patient and to help one another.
He talked about how he didn't really feel he needed my support, and how he didn't want to share too much for fear of burdening me with his troubles. Honestly, I love the guy beyond all sense, but he can be an idiot. Of course he needs my support, just as he needs support from anyone. No man is an island, no matter how much he might say otherwise. He can't do everything on his own, and the thought of him trying is rather difficult to accept. It's not going to hurt him to lean on people a little bit more, none of us who truly care for him will mind at all. I know I wouldn't.
And seriously, he would not be a burden to me if he shared more of his thoughts or his feelings. Will I completely, totally, 150% understand everything? Probably not, but then he doesn't always understand things about me either. Would it be helpful to him to share more with me? I think so, even if he doesn't agree. Would he be a burden? Hell. No. To put things in perspective, I am a Chiropractor's daughter for starters, meaning I've seen and heard from people about their lives for as long as I can remember. I've also had over two years direct patient care experience in a hospital setting, and now I'm starting in an industry where people come in at their worst, emotion-wise. Trust me, he would never be a burden on me. I would sit and listen, offer input where I could...whatever I needed to do to let him vent. Then I'd go about my day. That's that.
But in the end, methinks much of this is rather moot. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do; he has to make that decision for himself. So we shall see.
So yes. My venting blog post from last night got his attention. To be honest, I'm not even sure why all that still was bothering me. I'd gone through the same things a couple weeks back, worked through them, and essentially thought that was that. Apparently it wasn't, as all that crap rebounded in a rather annoying manner. Still, between writing it all out and firing up my 360 to kill things, I felt better.
I do feel bad that I triggered him so badly, that really wasn't my intention. Granted, he did have that anime convention he went to, and I'm sure his being tired after the weekend didn't help things on his end very much. But I'd meant it to let things out, not upset him. Still, it ended up being something constructive, as he shared a bit more with me about him. He admitted he didn't want me totally out of his life, but that he didn't know what he wanted from me, from us, or even from himself. Honestly, it's not an incredibly huge surprise to hear that from him; I've had a feeling along those lines for some time. I reminded him that we're both still learning in all this, and we need to be patient and to help one another.
He talked about how he didn't really feel he needed my support, and how he didn't want to share too much for fear of burdening me with his troubles. Honestly, I love the guy beyond all sense, but he can be an idiot. Of course he needs my support, just as he needs support from anyone. No man is an island, no matter how much he might say otherwise. He can't do everything on his own, and the thought of him trying is rather difficult to accept. It's not going to hurt him to lean on people a little bit more, none of us who truly care for him will mind at all. I know I wouldn't.
And seriously, he would not be a burden to me if he shared more of his thoughts or his feelings. Will I completely, totally, 150% understand everything? Probably not, but then he doesn't always understand things about me either. Would it be helpful to him to share more with me? I think so, even if he doesn't agree. Would he be a burden? Hell. No. To put things in perspective, I am a Chiropractor's daughter for starters, meaning I've seen and heard from people about their lives for as long as I can remember. I've also had over two years direct patient care experience in a hospital setting, and now I'm starting in an industry where people come in at their worst, emotion-wise. Trust me, he would never be a burden on me. I would sit and listen, offer input where I could...whatever I needed to do to let him vent. Then I'd go about my day. That's that.
But in the end, methinks much of this is rather moot. I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do; he has to make that decision for himself. So we shall see.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Last note for tonight
I'm much cooler than I was when I was venting. Justin and I have an agreement in our bet that we can talk if we feel it's urgent enough, without a penalty to whomever initiates. Well, let's just say that that posting of mine triggered the 'urgent' response on his end. I'll share more in the morning when I'm not as tired (I've been pondering a few things with him all day, but they can wait), but I think the two of us are better off for it. More on that next time.
Freewrite 3/27 2/2: Venting
Apparently, I need to let this out. It's been bugging me since I wrapped my last post in here. (Wow, I'm needing to write a lot more all of a sudden.)
As much as I love Justin, I am so very tired of how he patronizes me in some respects. Maybe that's why this bet of ours appeals so much to me; I'd likely smack him otherwise at this point. In short, I am so tired of being the throwaway girlfriend, the one who is the last to know anything for the supposed reason of 'being for my own good' or some other shit. I'm here being as supportive of him as I can be, and I get all but nothing in return for it from him. I barely get any support, I barely get any acknowledgement of my achievements...yet I'm supposed to quietly sit here and cheer him on.
Like when I got the job at the mortuary. I was so happy when I got the job, and he couldn't even congratulate me. He reminded me to check on something he had linked me to a while back, and it was only when I asked him about it that he essentially asked 'Who says I'm not happy for you?'. Um, I can't read your mind, idiot. (This feels so petty to rant about, but it hurt when it happened.)
And then there's this podcast that he's doing. See, a few years back, he had a radio show that covered many things geek. Sadly, it fell by the wayside after only a few episodes, but from talking to him I knew he wanted to bring it back. And I wanted to help bring it back in some way. That was part of the initial plan, that I would be involved in it in some manner. If you can guess that my role has essentially turned into 'nothing', I owe you yet another gold star. I'm getting totally shut out of this whole podcast that I wanted to help with. I'm not being told when events are happening, at least not until a week or so before when the others have known for far longer. See, there are two things I utterly can't stand: Being the last to know anything, and having choices made for me. Even though right now isn't a good time for me to necessarily be involved hands-on, it should still be MY say. I should still be told about things, so I can make decisions for myself. The way he's doing it now takes any choice/free-will/whatever totally out of my hands. And I'm sick of it.
And the worst part? He's being a fucking condescending jerkass about it! I called him out on it, asking him why I'm being shut out, why I can't contribute, and so on, and what did I get in return? A pat on the head and a fucking patronizing line about how 'now isn't the time for me to contribute, be patient'. Fuck. That. Noise.
Seriously, fuck it. I am so done being pushed aside, being ignored, being shut out of things, all while HE talks down to me like I'm a fucking child. I am so past sick of it that I could spit. He told me he's planning on this podcast of his lasting for some time. I'm sure that was the plan for the radio show, and that went by the wayside real quick if my memory serves. He's the dumbass who said we didn't seem to have a lot in common, but when I want to work on something that shows some of what we share in common I get blocked from doing so. I ASKED him if I could contribute, which led to the aforementioned patronizing shit from him. He's pulled the rug out from under me on several things I could have helped with on the podcast, and there's been no communication with me about other background ways I can help.
It all makes me so very, very sad. I keep cheering him on, hoping things go well, supporting him in everything, whatever I can do to show him I care. But I don't get any of that in return. I don't get cheered on, I don't get support, I don't get shit from him when positive things happen to me. And I can't even want to celebrate, because 'OMG, we aren't supposed to be wanting to see one another'. I seriously cannot win at all, can I?
Damn it hurts. It hurts, it makes me angry, but it's all pointless. I can't show any of it because then I'm 'weak', but what else am I supposed to do? A small part of me wants to disappear, to fade out. After all, would I really be missed? But I can't. I often joke with myself that I could kill myself, but I'm far too stubborn to let myself die. Guess I'm too stubborn to fade out as well, aren't I?
My cynical side had a question for me today, one I can't quite answer. Does absence truly make the heart grow fonder? Or is 'out of sight, out of mind' a better quote regarding me?
......
*sigh* I don't want to give up, but it feels more and more like that's the only option I have left emotionally if I don't want to keep on being treated like I'm unimportant. Hell, if I wanted that, I'd have stayed with my parents. I...really just don't know. And that makes me even sadder.
As much as I love Justin, I am so very tired of how he patronizes me in some respects. Maybe that's why this bet of ours appeals so much to me; I'd likely smack him otherwise at this point. In short, I am so tired of being the throwaway girlfriend, the one who is the last to know anything for the supposed reason of 'being for my own good' or some other shit. I'm here being as supportive of him as I can be, and I get all but nothing in return for it from him. I barely get any support, I barely get any acknowledgement of my achievements...yet I'm supposed to quietly sit here and cheer him on.
Like when I got the job at the mortuary. I was so happy when I got the job, and he couldn't even congratulate me. He reminded me to check on something he had linked me to a while back, and it was only when I asked him about it that he essentially asked 'Who says I'm not happy for you?'. Um, I can't read your mind, idiot. (This feels so petty to rant about, but it hurt when it happened.)
And then there's this podcast that he's doing. See, a few years back, he had a radio show that covered many things geek. Sadly, it fell by the wayside after only a few episodes, but from talking to him I knew he wanted to bring it back. And I wanted to help bring it back in some way. That was part of the initial plan, that I would be involved in it in some manner. If you can guess that my role has essentially turned into 'nothing', I owe you yet another gold star. I'm getting totally shut out of this whole podcast that I wanted to help with. I'm not being told when events are happening, at least not until a week or so before when the others have known for far longer. See, there are two things I utterly can't stand: Being the last to know anything, and having choices made for me. Even though right now isn't a good time for me to necessarily be involved hands-on, it should still be MY say. I should still be told about things, so I can make decisions for myself. The way he's doing it now takes any choice/free-will/whatever totally out of my hands. And I'm sick of it.
And the worst part? He's being a fucking condescending jerkass about it! I called him out on it, asking him why I'm being shut out, why I can't contribute, and so on, and what did I get in return? A pat on the head and a fucking patronizing line about how 'now isn't the time for me to contribute, be patient'. Fuck. That. Noise.
Seriously, fuck it. I am so done being pushed aside, being ignored, being shut out of things, all while HE talks down to me like I'm a fucking child. I am so past sick of it that I could spit. He told me he's planning on this podcast of his lasting for some time. I'm sure that was the plan for the radio show, and that went by the wayside real quick if my memory serves. He's the dumbass who said we didn't seem to have a lot in common, but when I want to work on something that shows some of what we share in common I get blocked from doing so. I ASKED him if I could contribute, which led to the aforementioned patronizing shit from him. He's pulled the rug out from under me on several things I could have helped with on the podcast, and there's been no communication with me about other background ways I can help.
It all makes me so very, very sad. I keep cheering him on, hoping things go well, supporting him in everything, whatever I can do to show him I care. But I don't get any of that in return. I don't get cheered on, I don't get support, I don't get shit from him when positive things happen to me. And I can't even want to celebrate, because 'OMG, we aren't supposed to be wanting to see one another'. I seriously cannot win at all, can I?
Damn it hurts. It hurts, it makes me angry, but it's all pointless. I can't show any of it because then I'm 'weak', but what else am I supposed to do? A small part of me wants to disappear, to fade out. After all, would I really be missed? But I can't. I often joke with myself that I could kill myself, but I'm far too stubborn to let myself die. Guess I'm too stubborn to fade out as well, aren't I?
My cynical side had a question for me today, one I can't quite answer. Does absence truly make the heart grow fonder? Or is 'out of sight, out of mind' a better quote regarding me?
......
*sigh* I don't want to give up, but it feels more and more like that's the only option I have left emotionally if I don't want to keep on being treated like I'm unimportant. Hell, if I wanted that, I'd have stayed with my parents. I...really just don't know. And that makes me even sadder.
Fluff/Freewrite 3/27: Little Wonders
Have you ever had something happen that seems small, but still makes a profound difference? Something that you can explain rationally, but you find almost inexplicable in the bigger context of things? Well, while I can't say any specifics about the day (for obvious reasons), I had one of these little experiences.
I was assisting with a service today. It was a bit heartbreaking, as many services typically are. I was in the chapel waiting for the family to arrive for the service while the director was busy with other details of the service. As I stood in the center of the chapel, the clouds shifted enough to let the sun shine through. Now, the chapel has a pretty, high window in one wall that lets light in when the sun is angled correctly. In this case, everything lined up perfectly...and the sunlight shining through the window fell directly on a small table that held a few mementos of the son's. It was such a beautiful sight that I just watched it for several minutes, all the while wishing it would last until the family arrived. Sadly, it didn't. The sun shifted and the clouds moved enough that it faded a few minutes before they arrived. But I made sure to tell them what I saw, and that I'd wished I could have taken a photo of it for them. It seemed to really comfort them.
Now, rationally, I know what caused it. But in the context of what I was assisting with, it couldn't have been a mere coincidence. I wonder if it wasn't also a sign of sorts for me in a small way, since I was really the only one who saw it in all its glory (to use a cliche). I've been so emotionally mixed recently -with a few hopeless feeling moments here and there- that I could use an encouraging sign. It left me with a very warm feeling.
So that was that. It may hold more interest to me than anyone else. Still, I thought it noteworthy.
I was assisting with a service today. It was a bit heartbreaking, as many services typically are. I was in the chapel waiting for the family to arrive for the service while the director was busy with other details of the service. As I stood in the center of the chapel, the clouds shifted enough to let the sun shine through. Now, the chapel has a pretty, high window in one wall that lets light in when the sun is angled correctly. In this case, everything lined up perfectly...and the sunlight shining through the window fell directly on a small table that held a few mementos of the son's. It was such a beautiful sight that I just watched it for several minutes, all the while wishing it would last until the family arrived. Sadly, it didn't. The sun shifted and the clouds moved enough that it faded a few minutes before they arrived. But I made sure to tell them what I saw, and that I'd wished I could have taken a photo of it for them. It seemed to really comfort them.
Now, rationally, I know what caused it. But in the context of what I was assisting with, it couldn't have been a mere coincidence. I wonder if it wasn't also a sign of sorts for me in a small way, since I was really the only one who saw it in all its glory (to use a cliche). I've been so emotionally mixed recently -with a few hopeless feeling moments here and there- that I could use an encouraging sign. It left me with a very warm feeling.
So that was that. It may hold more interest to me than anyone else. Still, I thought it noteworthy.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Freewrite 3/26: Birthday Thoughts
All right. My mind tells me that a freewrite is in order, so I'll indulge it. It might help me sleep, at the very least.
As we come up on April, I've started thinking a bit ahead, to May. My birthday is May 13th, and it'll be my first one celebrated away from home. If you know me, you know I've mentioned in the past that birthdays really weren't marked or celebrated much in my family after we reached a certain age. They were noted, sure, but there wasn't a lot of celebration about them. If I were lucky, I'd have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law, or do something fun with them; most times, I was on my own in terms of celebrating.
I want this year to be different. I thought about it, and I do have a birthday wish that I want to have granted. But I can't say it. I'm scared to say it. Why? Because I'm not sure it would happen. It's nothing complicated or difficult, but I still fear it wouldn't happen. See, my worry is that I'll say it (even in this space), then that act will make me get my hopes up that it will actually happen, only to have them fall even lower than previously when things don't pan out. I really don't want to set my birthday up for that -especially the first one celebrated on my own- so for now, I don't want to share that wish. Maybe once I feel a bit more at-ease with things I'll share it. Right now, I just can't risk doing all that to myself.
As we come up on April, I've started thinking a bit ahead, to May. My birthday is May 13th, and it'll be my first one celebrated away from home. If you know me, you know I've mentioned in the past that birthdays really weren't marked or celebrated much in my family after we reached a certain age. They were noted, sure, but there wasn't a lot of celebration about them. If I were lucky, I'd have dinner with my sister and brother-in-law, or do something fun with them; most times, I was on my own in terms of celebrating.
I want this year to be different. I thought about it, and I do have a birthday wish that I want to have granted. But I can't say it. I'm scared to say it. Why? Because I'm not sure it would happen. It's nothing complicated or difficult, but I still fear it wouldn't happen. See, my worry is that I'll say it (even in this space), then that act will make me get my hopes up that it will actually happen, only to have them fall even lower than previously when things don't pan out. I really don't want to set my birthday up for that -especially the first one celebrated on my own- so for now, I don't want to share that wish. Maybe once I feel a bit more at-ease with things I'll share it. Right now, I just can't risk doing all that to myself.
Fluff posting: Hello writing, my old friend...
I'm not totally sure I really have enough to say to warrant a freewrite tonight. But I did want to put this out there. The term 'fluff' in the title is merely to separate this from my normal freewritings. It in no way diminishes what I plan to be doing.
As some of you know, I love to write. I was primarily a fan fiction writer, until life stepped in and got in my way. Now that I'm feeling clearer, I think I might go back to my writings, both fanfic and otherwise. I've had an original fiction idea in the back of my mind for several years now that I think needs to at least be written down, if not shared. It was meant to be a comic/webcomic with Tom, but it never saw the light of day in that format. Instead, I'd like to write it down, if only so I can say I wrote something longer than a bunch of chapters (my longest fanfic project to-date, which could use some work on it).
I was thinking on this idea all day today while I was at work, and I think it might work. I've already got ideas for the characters in my head, as well as rough ideas for the first few chapters. From here, it's just a matter of getting it all down. This should keep me busy, if all goes as I hope.
As some of you know, I love to write. I was primarily a fan fiction writer, until life stepped in and got in my way. Now that I'm feeling clearer, I think I might go back to my writings, both fanfic and otherwise. I've had an original fiction idea in the back of my mind for several years now that I think needs to at least be written down, if not shared. It was meant to be a comic/webcomic with Tom, but it never saw the light of day in that format. Instead, I'd like to write it down, if only so I can say I wrote something longer than a bunch of chapters (my longest fanfic project to-date, which could use some work on it).
I was thinking on this idea all day today while I was at work, and I think it might work. I've already got ideas for the characters in my head, as well as rough ideas for the first few chapters. From here, it's just a matter of getting it all down. This should keep me busy, if all goes as I hope.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Freewrite 3/25 2/2: Transition
I feel like there's a lot on my mind, so I thought putting it down would help me focus better. Nothing is set in stone, things can still change from here. But keeping my head clear will help me in the long run.
I've been generally feeling good today, especially considering the bet I started with Justin. I'm surprised that I don't feel the same disconnect I often felt when trying this in the past. Methinks I'm finally settling to a point where I can focus on things without him. I still miss having him near me, but I'll live. No, I'll do more than that. I'll live, I'll eventually thrive, and I'll hope to see him soon. At this point, that's the best I can do.
I guess what's making me the most unsettled is my keeping an eye out for a new place to live. Nothing's happened, I'm not being kicked out...nothing like that. Cindy has mentioned in the past that, were I to find a job nearer to school, I should look for a place that would be near both school and work. And it makes a lot of sense to do so. Right now, I spend a fair amount just getting back and forth from Azusa to Cypress and/or Brea and back. It would be nice to cut back on my transit spending. Adding to that is Cindy's need to survive, which means rent here will be higher for me if I stay for more than another month or so. I totally agree with her reasoning for it as well, so no arguments here. Her priority is keeping a roof over her head, and I respect that.
I have a few other, less tangible reasons as well. I guess I feel a bit...disconnected up here at times. Most of my classmates live near campus, or within a short driving distance. It would be nice to be able to meet up with them for study sessions or coffee or anything like that without having to worry about a long trip home. It sounds strange coming from me, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm connecting with more than a few of my classmates, and a bit more social time here and there couldn't hurt as long as it doesn't get in the way of studying or work. It would also be nice to be nearer to other folks I know who live in that area, like Bill and Patty. I love them like second parents, and I've missed visiting with them since I've been so busy with life. I'm glad they are so understanding, but I'd still like to feel more connected in ways to them.
I guess the time aspect is also important to me in all this room-hunting. Since I don't currently have a car (and saving for one will take a LOT of time), I rely on transit to get where I need to get. From here, that can eat a big chunk out of my day, both morning and evening. Being closer to school and work will mean I can spend more time at each, without worrying about what route will get me home with enough time to eat, study, and hopefully catch enough sleep to function well the next day.
If I'm going to take this route, I guess my next step is to keep my eyes open and see what comes up that I can afford (and that isn't too far from things). As always, I'll see where the world takes me. I've found a couple leads that may prove promising, but anything can still happen.
I've been generally feeling good today, especially considering the bet I started with Justin. I'm surprised that I don't feel the same disconnect I often felt when trying this in the past. Methinks I'm finally settling to a point where I can focus on things without him. I still miss having him near me, but I'll live. No, I'll do more than that. I'll live, I'll eventually thrive, and I'll hope to see him soon. At this point, that's the best I can do.
I guess what's making me the most unsettled is my keeping an eye out for a new place to live. Nothing's happened, I'm not being kicked out...nothing like that. Cindy has mentioned in the past that, were I to find a job nearer to school, I should look for a place that would be near both school and work. And it makes a lot of sense to do so. Right now, I spend a fair amount just getting back and forth from Azusa to Cypress and/or Brea and back. It would be nice to cut back on my transit spending. Adding to that is Cindy's need to survive, which means rent here will be higher for me if I stay for more than another month or so. I totally agree with her reasoning for it as well, so no arguments here. Her priority is keeping a roof over her head, and I respect that.
I have a few other, less tangible reasons as well. I guess I feel a bit...disconnected up here at times. Most of my classmates live near campus, or within a short driving distance. It would be nice to be able to meet up with them for study sessions or coffee or anything like that without having to worry about a long trip home. It sounds strange coming from me, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm connecting with more than a few of my classmates, and a bit more social time here and there couldn't hurt as long as it doesn't get in the way of studying or work. It would also be nice to be nearer to other folks I know who live in that area, like Bill and Patty. I love them like second parents, and I've missed visiting with them since I've been so busy with life. I'm glad they are so understanding, but I'd still like to feel more connected in ways to them.
I guess the time aspect is also important to me in all this room-hunting. Since I don't currently have a car (and saving for one will take a LOT of time), I rely on transit to get where I need to get. From here, that can eat a big chunk out of my day, both morning and evening. Being closer to school and work will mean I can spend more time at each, without worrying about what route will get me home with enough time to eat, study, and hopefully catch enough sleep to function well the next day.
If I'm going to take this route, I guess my next step is to keep my eyes open and see what comes up that I can afford (and that isn't too far from things). As always, I'll see where the world takes me. I've found a couple leads that may prove promising, but anything can still happen.
Freewrite 3/25: A Bet, of Sorts
So Justin and I are starting a bit of a bet today. While we talked a bit last night, he mentioned how 'frustrating' it was for him that I keep wanting to talk with him when he's said he doesn't necessarily want to (more on that in a while). I eventually told him, in essence, to be careful what he wished for, that I could easily shut down and refrain from communicating with him at all. Needless to say, he took me up on it, so we're at this 'Extremely limited contact except when utterly necessary' point, which will last at least until one or the other of us cracks.
Well, guess who it's not going to be.
See, he seems to forget how easily I can disengage from things when I so choose to. He seems to forget how difficult it was a couple years ago for him to get me to talk with him at all. He would e-mail me, and I might respond the same day. Or I might take a few days. Or I might not respond at all. It really depended on a) if I felt I had something to say in reply, and b) if I really wanted to talk at all. So he's not really starting off in a good spot to begin with. Even before our little bet, I'd been thinking of pulling back on the contact with him, since cutting off emotionally is infeasible for me unless it's a survival thing.
And here's one question I do have, which keeps bugging me a bit. If he really didn't want to be in contact with me so much, why didn't he simply remind me of that? For example, if I initiated a conversation, he could answer with something to remind me that he doesn't really want contact and leave it at that. He never had to actually have a conversation with me, an answer would have easily sufficed. I've had no issue with leaving him to his own devices when he's had a rough day and wants time to himself, how would this have been any different?
In the course of our chat last night, I did warn him to be careful what he wished for. Let's see if the guy can actually handle the consequences of challenging me.
Well, guess who it's not going to be.
See, he seems to forget how easily I can disengage from things when I so choose to. He seems to forget how difficult it was a couple years ago for him to get me to talk with him at all. He would e-mail me, and I might respond the same day. Or I might take a few days. Or I might not respond at all. It really depended on a) if I felt I had something to say in reply, and b) if I really wanted to talk at all. So he's not really starting off in a good spot to begin with. Even before our little bet, I'd been thinking of pulling back on the contact with him, since cutting off emotionally is infeasible for me unless it's a survival thing.
And here's one question I do have, which keeps bugging me a bit. If he really didn't want to be in contact with me so much, why didn't he simply remind me of that? For example, if I initiated a conversation, he could answer with something to remind me that he doesn't really want contact and leave it at that. He never had to actually have a conversation with me, an answer would have easily sufficed. I've had no issue with leaving him to his own devices when he's had a rough day and wants time to himself, how would this have been any different?
In the course of our chat last night, I did warn him to be careful what he wished for. Let's see if the guy can actually handle the consequences of challenging me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Freewrite 3/24: Old Baggage.
I've had a thought I've been pondering for the past couple days. I think I've got something here. Wait, let me back up and explain.
Tuesday, a classmate treated me to lunch as a thank-you for help I've been giving her with schoolwork. We also spent the time chatting (as girls are sometimes wont to do when out and about together), and the topic of past relationships came up. I told her about Tom, how long we were together, what ended up happening, and so on.
Wait, before I go further, let me briefly recap that whole deal. Tom and I were together for a long time. Nine years, to be exact. We met online, fell for one another, he visited me several times, and we were moving toward a committment. We were talking wedding plans (I had a dress and a ring), and we had an apartment picked out that we would be sharing. We'd even put a deposit together for the place. Then, just before he was set to move here, something on his end happened, though what might have triggered it I can only guess. In short, I was blown off for a month, then received a letter in the mail that ended things officially. That...took a while to get past even slightly. Even now, I doubt I can fully explain what that was like to go through.
So you're likely wondering 'Rough luck, Andrea. But what's that got to do with things now? That was two years ago." Well, in talking with my classmate about Tom, I felt myself getting emotional. Not overly so, mind you, but I definitely felt my eyes tear up and my throat tighten. That hadn't happened in a long time. I'm not sure what might have triggered it, though this being the time of year when all this went down back in '09 certainly might have played a part.
I was thinking on it today as I came home from class, and I think I have a better idea of what I feel. Even this much time later, I still deal with how abandoned I felt when Tom blew me off; and by extension, the grief I felt when he broke things off. I have to wonder if being in a (still somewhat) new area triggers some of that feeling, since I'm having to get my bearings in places that are totally unfamiliar to me. (As a reference point, my first time seeing the L.A. skyline for myself ever? Last July, when I first traveled to visit Justin. I come from a very sheltered background, I'm afraid.) Psychologically, these same feelings have come up in the past, but I hadn't felt them in a long time, so I thought they were long since dealt with. Apparently, my psyche is smarter than I am. It seems it was trying to protect me from being even more fragile than I already was by burying those feelings until I could better deal with them. Now that things on my end are evening out somewhat, they've been re-emerging, and I think they need to be dealt with.
That's the easy part, identifying that they need to be dealt with. The hard part is dealing with them. Stupid things show up at the worst times, and they're a real nuisance. They make me seem weak, like I can't stand on my own. I feel like I can, but then I start worrying about being alone, start remembering what it was like to be left in the dark for that month, what it was like to get that letter with no other closure offered...and I don't really know. I've never been allowed or encouraged to work through grief. It's always 'stay strong' or 'stop crying', never acknowledging what I really feel. Pain, weakness, grief, tears...at best they were merely discouraged. At worst, they were mocked. Any of those emotions had to be 'shown' when I was alone.
I guess a good start is acknowledging that a) these feelings are still around, and b) that they need to be dealt with. From here? I have no bloody clue what to do. I won't give up looking for a way to work through them, however.
Tuesday, a classmate treated me to lunch as a thank-you for help I've been giving her with schoolwork. We also spent the time chatting (as girls are sometimes wont to do when out and about together), and the topic of past relationships came up. I told her about Tom, how long we were together, what ended up happening, and so on.
Wait, before I go further, let me briefly recap that whole deal. Tom and I were together for a long time. Nine years, to be exact. We met online, fell for one another, he visited me several times, and we were moving toward a committment. We were talking wedding plans (I had a dress and a ring), and we had an apartment picked out that we would be sharing. We'd even put a deposit together for the place. Then, just before he was set to move here, something on his end happened, though what might have triggered it I can only guess. In short, I was blown off for a month, then received a letter in the mail that ended things officially. That...took a while to get past even slightly. Even now, I doubt I can fully explain what that was like to go through.
So you're likely wondering 'Rough luck, Andrea. But what's that got to do with things now? That was two years ago." Well, in talking with my classmate about Tom, I felt myself getting emotional. Not overly so, mind you, but I definitely felt my eyes tear up and my throat tighten. That hadn't happened in a long time. I'm not sure what might have triggered it, though this being the time of year when all this went down back in '09 certainly might have played a part.
I was thinking on it today as I came home from class, and I think I have a better idea of what I feel. Even this much time later, I still deal with how abandoned I felt when Tom blew me off; and by extension, the grief I felt when he broke things off. I have to wonder if being in a (still somewhat) new area triggers some of that feeling, since I'm having to get my bearings in places that are totally unfamiliar to me. (As a reference point, my first time seeing the L.A. skyline for myself ever? Last July, when I first traveled to visit Justin. I come from a very sheltered background, I'm afraid.) Psychologically, these same feelings have come up in the past, but I hadn't felt them in a long time, so I thought they were long since dealt with. Apparently, my psyche is smarter than I am. It seems it was trying to protect me from being even more fragile than I already was by burying those feelings until I could better deal with them. Now that things on my end are evening out somewhat, they've been re-emerging, and I think they need to be dealt with.
That's the easy part, identifying that they need to be dealt with. The hard part is dealing with them. Stupid things show up at the worst times, and they're a real nuisance. They make me seem weak, like I can't stand on my own. I feel like I can, but then I start worrying about being alone, start remembering what it was like to be left in the dark for that month, what it was like to get that letter with no other closure offered...and I don't really know. I've never been allowed or encouraged to work through grief. It's always 'stay strong' or 'stop crying', never acknowledging what I really feel. Pain, weakness, grief, tears...at best they were merely discouraged. At worst, they were mocked. Any of those emotions had to be 'shown' when I was alone.
I guess a good start is acknowledging that a) these feelings are still around, and b) that they need to be dealt with. From here? I have no bloody clue what to do. I won't give up looking for a way to work through them, however.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Freewrite 3/23: Metaphorical Blindness
I hate to use the term 'blind', since (in spite of my need for corrective lenses) I still can see. But I feel like I'm wandering in a sort of metaphorical blindness in some regards. By that, I mean I don't know where to go, where to turn, what to do...any of it. It's like those zero-visibility fogs that crop up sometimes when the weather is just right, and you can't see your hand in front of your face. My home life isn't causing it; in fact, Cindy goes out of her way to inform me about things and make sure I understand what's going on in terms of rent, household tasks, and anything else that comes up. So I'm thankful that that is somewhat stable, it gives me the grounding I need that will help me as time goes on.
If anyone guesses it's about whatever emotional ties I have to Justin, I owe you another gold star.
Wait, let me back up a click. I feel like all I do in this space is complain and show only the negative side of him. And yes, the guy is an epic idiot at times who can't seem to think much beyond his own little sphere. But he's a sweet, gentle soul whom I care for more than just about anything. If he had no redeeming traits, I wouldn't love him as much as I do, now would I? I don't know where things will head with him, but I'm trying to stay as optimistic as possible.
And that often doesn't feel very possible. I often feel like I'm playing a game with him where he knows the rules, he's in charge of the rules, he can change them at will, and he only lets me know what rules he thinks I should know. I know it makes me seem extremely paranoid, and I hate feeling like that, but that's what it feels like at times. I feel like every time I make a mistake, it's one more mark in his mind against me; what makes it worse is that I often don't know exactly how it's a mistake until after I make it (and he tells me). Like last night. I asked if there might be a chance of us spending time together Friday night if I'm off work. I offered to pull together dinner and suggested we catch a movie together or somesuch. Now, I don't have an issue with him turning the idea down. What I have an issue with is the feeling that any mistakes I make will count against me in the long run. I made the mistake of showing him that I was (admittedly) slightly disappointed that he refused. He went off from that, telling me that actions like those don't give him much confidence that I'll be fine without him and so on. Never mind that it's a perfectly normal emotion to express.
It feels like such a petty thing to complain about, but it makes me worry. I worry I'm locked in some tit-for-tat game, one that I'll lose if I happen to rack up enough of the 'wrong' points. Never mind that I'm human, that I'm still in a bit of a 'fine-tuning adjustment' mode, that I'm otherwise improving quite a bit from where I was. I show a slip here and there, show that I (gasp!) actually care for him and miss him, and he seems to believe I'm not going to make it.
The emotional impact is rough on me right now. If I felt I could cut myself off again emotionally, I would do so in a second. I did it before to protect myself after Tom broke things off with me, especially since the pain was great enough to where I would have done anything to make it stop had I not cut my emotions off. (Yes, I do mean 'anything'.) I don't want to have to do that to myself all over again, but if he won't even communicate to me clearly what he expects, if he keeps making me the last to know things, then I may have to. My only problem from there would be trying not to make that cut permanent, to where I don't let myself feel anything. I came close to that point last time, and I barely pulled myself back from it then. I don't know if I could do the same thing again.
If anyone guesses it's about whatever emotional ties I have to Justin, I owe you another gold star.
Wait, let me back up a click. I feel like all I do in this space is complain and show only the negative side of him. And yes, the guy is an epic idiot at times who can't seem to think much beyond his own little sphere. But he's a sweet, gentle soul whom I care for more than just about anything. If he had no redeeming traits, I wouldn't love him as much as I do, now would I? I don't know where things will head with him, but I'm trying to stay as optimistic as possible.
And that often doesn't feel very possible. I often feel like I'm playing a game with him where he knows the rules, he's in charge of the rules, he can change them at will, and he only lets me know what rules he thinks I should know. I know it makes me seem extremely paranoid, and I hate feeling like that, but that's what it feels like at times. I feel like every time I make a mistake, it's one more mark in his mind against me; what makes it worse is that I often don't know exactly how it's a mistake until after I make it (and he tells me). Like last night. I asked if there might be a chance of us spending time together Friday night if I'm off work. I offered to pull together dinner and suggested we catch a movie together or somesuch. Now, I don't have an issue with him turning the idea down. What I have an issue with is the feeling that any mistakes I make will count against me in the long run. I made the mistake of showing him that I was (admittedly) slightly disappointed that he refused. He went off from that, telling me that actions like those don't give him much confidence that I'll be fine without him and so on. Never mind that it's a perfectly normal emotion to express.
It feels like such a petty thing to complain about, but it makes me worry. I worry I'm locked in some tit-for-tat game, one that I'll lose if I happen to rack up enough of the 'wrong' points. Never mind that I'm human, that I'm still in a bit of a 'fine-tuning adjustment' mode, that I'm otherwise improving quite a bit from where I was. I show a slip here and there, show that I (gasp!) actually care for him and miss him, and he seems to believe I'm not going to make it.
The emotional impact is rough on me right now. If I felt I could cut myself off again emotionally, I would do so in a second. I did it before to protect myself after Tom broke things off with me, especially since the pain was great enough to where I would have done anything to make it stop had I not cut my emotions off. (Yes, I do mean 'anything'.) I don't want to have to do that to myself all over again, but if he won't even communicate to me clearly what he expects, if he keeps making me the last to know things, then I may have to. My only problem from there would be trying not to make that cut permanent, to where I don't let myself feel anything. I came close to that point last time, and I barely pulled myself back from it then. I don't know if I could do the same thing again.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Freewrite 3/21: Support
Things have been good since my last bit of writing. Work has been going great, I finally am making enough money to pay rent, and I've started paying for more of my own expenses around here, as opposed to relying on Cindy for everything. It's a great feeling to stock up my own cupboard with food, to pay for more of what I use. I really do hope that I'm taking a load off her shoulders with doing this. I will have to make some short-term sacrifices for the time being -things like Faire and other fun stuff- but I hope I'll be up to 150% before too long.
So last night was DungeonMaster again. Due to my having a slow work day, I was able to get home in time to attend (I wasn't planning on going until I was cut loose early from work. Already-slow Sundays + rain = even slower than normal Sundays. Joy.), so I asked Cindy if I could go with her. We got there after stopping for Korean pizza (never tried it before, but I can see why she loves it!) and we just got there before Justin arrived.
To keep this from turning into a mundane blow-by-blow, I'll put it this way. I was selected again. He wasn't. I had a good time, participated a bit more than I had the last time (even if the entire party got slaughtered/lost in time and space by the end), and went down in a blaze of glory. It was fun. I got the feeling, however, that he really wasn't all that supportive of me in the process. He admitted that DM tends to not be a lot of fun for him unless he goes up and performs, due to his lacking friends there. (Complicating things now, due to upcoming commitments he has, he likely won't make it to future DM nights until the last one.) To him, it seems that cheering from the audience really isn't as enjoyable as participating, even if his girlfriend is participating. In short, the way I'd support him when/if he's ever chosen.
When I say I want 'support' from him, I don't feel I'm really asking for a lot. To start, I'd love to have him really be happy for me when I get selected. I'm still so new to DM that I'm always excited when I'm chosen. I'd be happy cheering on the party from the audience, but I do enjoy getting picked and going up. I really appreciate the DM cast for making a new girl feel so welcome in their theatre. I'm meeting new people there, and really enjoying myself, as opposed to remaining withdrawn and insular. I know Justin has mentioned wanting me to meet more people so I'm not glomming onto him as much, so this has to be a plus. (And again, I ramble...) Secondly, it would be nice to talk about the episode with him without worrying he'll pull a 'woe is me, I didn't get chosen to play' or a 'why can't I make Guardian? Why does no one like me?' out in the course of the chat. Cindy and I talk about how things went, and she encourages me to keep playing and getting better. I'd love to hear similar from him, without worrying he'll nitpick my performance, or tell me how HE would have done things differently, or some other such.
In short? He knows how I would treat him if he were chosen to play and I wasn't. All I ask is that he be able to treat me in the same manner, to support me as I would him. I would hope that it isn't too much to ask.
To his credit, I did notice he was more subdued last night, though whether that has to do with the crummy weather or not is anyone's guess. But he certainly wasn't turned up to eleven, trying too hard to be the center of attention like he was the prior time. I felt like he was a bit more observant of me and how I interacted with others (I'd suggested he try watching me to see how I talk to people), and he definitely seemed quieter in many respects last night. I hope that, along with his gradually confiding in me more, are good signs. I hope he's willing to work with me on things he needs to improve about himself, because I want to see him a success.
So last night was DungeonMaster again. Due to my having a slow work day, I was able to get home in time to attend (I wasn't planning on going until I was cut loose early from work. Already-slow Sundays + rain = even slower than normal Sundays. Joy.), so I asked Cindy if I could go with her. We got there after stopping for Korean pizza (never tried it before, but I can see why she loves it!) and we just got there before Justin arrived.
To keep this from turning into a mundane blow-by-blow, I'll put it this way. I was selected again. He wasn't. I had a good time, participated a bit more than I had the last time (even if the entire party got slaughtered/lost in time and space by the end), and went down in a blaze of glory. It was fun. I got the feeling, however, that he really wasn't all that supportive of me in the process. He admitted that DM tends to not be a lot of fun for him unless he goes up and performs, due to his lacking friends there. (Complicating things now, due to upcoming commitments he has, he likely won't make it to future DM nights until the last one.) To him, it seems that cheering from the audience really isn't as enjoyable as participating, even if his girlfriend is participating. In short, the way I'd support him when/if he's ever chosen.
When I say I want 'support' from him, I don't feel I'm really asking for a lot. To start, I'd love to have him really be happy for me when I get selected. I'm still so new to DM that I'm always excited when I'm chosen. I'd be happy cheering on the party from the audience, but I do enjoy getting picked and going up. I really appreciate the DM cast for making a new girl feel so welcome in their theatre. I'm meeting new people there, and really enjoying myself, as opposed to remaining withdrawn and insular. I know Justin has mentioned wanting me to meet more people so I'm not glomming onto him as much, so this has to be a plus. (And again, I ramble...) Secondly, it would be nice to talk about the episode with him without worrying he'll pull a 'woe is me, I didn't get chosen to play' or a 'why can't I make Guardian? Why does no one like me?' out in the course of the chat. Cindy and I talk about how things went, and she encourages me to keep playing and getting better. I'd love to hear similar from him, without worrying he'll nitpick my performance, or tell me how HE would have done things differently, or some other such.
In short? He knows how I would treat him if he were chosen to play and I wasn't. All I ask is that he be able to treat me in the same manner, to support me as I would him. I would hope that it isn't too much to ask.
To his credit, I did notice he was more subdued last night, though whether that has to do with the crummy weather or not is anyone's guess. But he certainly wasn't turned up to eleven, trying too hard to be the center of attention like he was the prior time. I felt like he was a bit more observant of me and how I interacted with others (I'd suggested he try watching me to see how I talk to people), and he definitely seemed quieter in many respects last night. I hope that, along with his gradually confiding in me more, are good signs. I hope he's willing to work with me on things he needs to improve about himself, because I want to see him a success.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Freewrite 3/16: Complaining
I hate hormones.
Piggybacking on the title of last night's writing, no wonder I feel rather unsteady right now. I can be so perfectly focused and level-headed, but inject just enough extra hormones and I can't do 99% of what I normally do without feeling like I'm going to melt down. It's really not all that enjoyable. It especially annoys me when I do some little thing I enjoy -like looking at the horizon at sunrise- and suddenly feeling myself tear up. Look, I have enough trouble on a regular basis without the extra moodiness screwing with me further.
Otherwise, I feel more steady than I did. I messaged Justin to ask what sort of limits he has on things for the time being, among other things. I hope things are as straightforward as he's made them out to be, and that there won't be any of the goalpost-moving I worried last night might happen. I'm putting a lot of faith into all of this as I work on things on my end, without much of a guarantee that any effort I put in will suffice. I can just keep working on things and hope it does. (I also can hope he'll actually share things like this with me, and not wait until I've asked him three or four times. I prefer being on the right page as close to the start as possible, instead of waiting until I'm a third of the way in.)
Piggybacking on the title of last night's writing, no wonder I feel rather unsteady right now. I can be so perfectly focused and level-headed, but inject just enough extra hormones and I can't do 99% of what I normally do without feeling like I'm going to melt down. It's really not all that enjoyable. It especially annoys me when I do some little thing I enjoy -like looking at the horizon at sunrise- and suddenly feeling myself tear up. Look, I have enough trouble on a regular basis without the extra moodiness screwing with me further.
Otherwise, I feel more steady than I did. I messaged Justin to ask what sort of limits he has on things for the time being, among other things. I hope things are as straightforward as he's made them out to be, and that there won't be any of the goalpost-moving I worried last night might happen. I'm putting a lot of faith into all of this as I work on things on my end, without much of a guarantee that any effort I put in will suffice. I can just keep working on things and hope it does. (I also can hope he'll actually share things like this with me, and not wait until I've asked him three or four times. I prefer being on the right page as close to the start as possible, instead of waiting until I'm a third of the way in.)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Freewrite 3/15: Unsteady
Sometimes, I wonder if this whole transitional period with Justin will work out.
Don't get me wrong. I still plan on fulfilling my end to the best of my abilities. I still plan on being as self-sufficient as I can. The job at the Mortuary is a huge shot in the arm towards that goal, both for money reasons and for emotional ones. Trust me, it's tough to feel much about myself when I think about the people we assist on a daily basis. Sure, I wish I could share more with him since this is such a positive thing for me. But I'm happy like this as well.
But I really have to wonder if all of the progress I'm making will even make any difference in the end. I could be working on things he asked me to work on, and I could be making real progress. But would it be enough for him? I don't even know what limits he wants to put on us seeing each other for the time being; who's to say that any improvements I make to myself would even be enough? Does he have some sort of goal in mind for me in all this, where he can consider all of this 'successful' if I either achieve it 100% or I show that I'm close to achieving it? Or are the goalposts always in motion, to the point where I could accomplish everything asked of me and it still wouldn't be enough?
I know what I feel for him, but it hurts that I don't even know what he might feel for me. I don't know if he's still in that rut he seemed to be in back around Valentine's Day, when he acknowledged the Honeymoon period was over. I don't know if he even feels anything, and is simply humoring me until he decides leaving is the better option. I hope for better than that from him, but I really don't know. His distancing himself is okay for both of us for the time being, but here and there it leaves me feeling a bit unsteady, so to speak. I don't know if he notices the progrss I'm making, and I don't know if he cares. Even if he does, he won't show any of it, not even a little bit to me.
I know I have to keep soldiering on. But even a 'soldier' has to shed a few tears from time to time.
Don't get me wrong. I still plan on fulfilling my end to the best of my abilities. I still plan on being as self-sufficient as I can. The job at the Mortuary is a huge shot in the arm towards that goal, both for money reasons and for emotional ones. Trust me, it's tough to feel much about myself when I think about the people we assist on a daily basis. Sure, I wish I could share more with him since this is such a positive thing for me. But I'm happy like this as well.
But I really have to wonder if all of the progress I'm making will even make any difference in the end. I could be working on things he asked me to work on, and I could be making real progress. But would it be enough for him? I don't even know what limits he wants to put on us seeing each other for the time being; who's to say that any improvements I make to myself would even be enough? Does he have some sort of goal in mind for me in all this, where he can consider all of this 'successful' if I either achieve it 100% or I show that I'm close to achieving it? Or are the goalposts always in motion, to the point where I could accomplish everything asked of me and it still wouldn't be enough?
I know what I feel for him, but it hurts that I don't even know what he might feel for me. I don't know if he's still in that rut he seemed to be in back around Valentine's Day, when he acknowledged the Honeymoon period was over. I don't know if he even feels anything, and is simply humoring me until he decides leaving is the better option. I hope for better than that from him, but I really don't know. His distancing himself is okay for both of us for the time being, but here and there it leaves me feeling a bit unsteady, so to speak. I don't know if he notices the progrss I'm making, and I don't know if he cares. Even if he does, he won't show any of it, not even a little bit to me.
I know I have to keep soldiering on. But even a 'soldier' has to shed a few tears from time to time.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Freewrite 3/11: Finding a place
Once again, I've been a busy girl in recent days. Last Friday, I learned my work study would be panning out, and I started it this past Tuesday. I work for Memory Garden Memorial Park & Mortuary in Brea, which is a relatively small facility as far as mortuaries go. Anymore, a lot of mortuaries are being bought by corporations (as an example, El Camino Memorial Park -where my grandparents are buried- is now owned by SCI, which is one of the largest of these corporations), so independent mortuaries are becoming more and more scarce.
But I digress. Back on-topic.
To put it shortly, I love the work. It's really interesting to learn about the inner workings of a mortuary. Most people only really see mortuaries from the 'grieving family making arrangements' side of things, but there is so much more to it when you're an employee. My role is as a student worker, specifically as a Night Attendant. I'll be assisting with general running of the facility, memorial services, and anything else the staff might need my help with. For example, yesterday I assisted one of the Funeral Directors with dressing and casketing a body for a memorial service that was set for this morning. If it's the kind of thing you're into, it really can be fascinating. F'rinstance, she showed me how to apply makeup to a case, which will come in handy when I begin my later classes.
I feel so much happier since I started this job. I really feel like I've found a good place for myself (I almost said 'niche', which has its own meaning in the funeral business), and I love every minute of it. Sure, it's not always the most fascinating work -especially when we're doing mundane closing tasks- but I really can't complain about it at all. I really hope I can keep learning in this job; after all, that's one reason I wanted it.
A few years ago, I did a pre-health internship at Palomar Medical Center and Pomerado Hospital. I enjoyed doing it, and I always tried to take as many shifts as I possibly could so I could keep learning about the hospital dynamic. I'm trying to do the same with this job (while still having time for school and a life) so I can get as much out of it as I can. After all, books and lectures can only teach you so much about a profession.
So yes. In short, a happy girl am I. I truly couldn't be happier.
But I digress. Back on-topic.
To put it shortly, I love the work. It's really interesting to learn about the inner workings of a mortuary. Most people only really see mortuaries from the 'grieving family making arrangements' side of things, but there is so much more to it when you're an employee. My role is as a student worker, specifically as a Night Attendant. I'll be assisting with general running of the facility, memorial services, and anything else the staff might need my help with. For example, yesterday I assisted one of the Funeral Directors with dressing and casketing a body for a memorial service that was set for this morning. If it's the kind of thing you're into, it really can be fascinating. F'rinstance, she showed me how to apply makeup to a case, which will come in handy when I begin my later classes.
I feel so much happier since I started this job. I really feel like I've found a good place for myself (I almost said 'niche', which has its own meaning in the funeral business), and I love every minute of it. Sure, it's not always the most fascinating work -especially when we're doing mundane closing tasks- but I really can't complain about it at all. I really hope I can keep learning in this job; after all, that's one reason I wanted it.
A few years ago, I did a pre-health internship at Palomar Medical Center and Pomerado Hospital. I enjoyed doing it, and I always tried to take as many shifts as I possibly could so I could keep learning about the hospital dynamic. I'm trying to do the same with this job (while still having time for school and a life) so I can get as much out of it as I can. After all, books and lectures can only teach you so much about a profession.
So yes. In short, a happy girl am I. I truly couldn't be happier.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Freewrite 3/7: Progress
For lack of better musings, this is an update to last night's posting.
Justin and I had a good talk about things from last night. He apologized that he'd made me feel what I did, so it was a definite good step. He did say he'd been trying to get me to engage all evening, only to feel like I didn't want to join him. I told him that I did, he simply had to stop being subtle about it and make it a bit more obvious. He mentioned I could be more vocal, which led me to reminding him that I tend to be reticent in new social situations. I could go on, but what it boils down to is that it seems things weren't communicated well, and we'll work on it for next time.
He shared some of his insecurities with me as well. He told me about how jealous he was of the DM cast members, how much he wanted to be able to join the group, how it's hard for him to feel ostracized from others due to his behavior, and so on. It wasn't a good time now to work on things, but I offered to help him work on little things to help boost his confidence and (hopefully) cut down on the whole 'center of attention' deal he has trouble with. He's really never shared anything of that sort with me, so I felt like I got to know him a bit more just by his sharing these things with me. I also got him to admit he really doesn't know himself all that well. It made me a bit sad to have him share that, but I feel like it adds a bit more depth to him. I really hope I can help him with things, even if not right now. More than just about anything, I want to help him be happy, be successful, and thrive. From there, who knows?
Justin and I had a good talk about things from last night. He apologized that he'd made me feel what I did, so it was a definite good step. He did say he'd been trying to get me to engage all evening, only to feel like I didn't want to join him. I told him that I did, he simply had to stop being subtle about it and make it a bit more obvious. He mentioned I could be more vocal, which led me to reminding him that I tend to be reticent in new social situations. I could go on, but what it boils down to is that it seems things weren't communicated well, and we'll work on it for next time.
He shared some of his insecurities with me as well. He told me about how jealous he was of the DM cast members, how much he wanted to be able to join the group, how it's hard for him to feel ostracized from others due to his behavior, and so on. It wasn't a good time now to work on things, but I offered to help him work on little things to help boost his confidence and (hopefully) cut down on the whole 'center of attention' deal he has trouble with. He's really never shared anything of that sort with me, so I felt like I got to know him a bit more just by his sharing these things with me. I also got him to admit he really doesn't know himself all that well. It made me a bit sad to have him share that, but I feel like it adds a bit more depth to him. I really hope I can help him with things, even if not right now. More than just about anything, I want to help him be happy, be successful, and thrive. From there, who knows?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Freewrite 3/6: A New Experience
So tonight was something new for me. Because I had the weekend off (no hours in San Dimas, but I do start my work study on Tuesday. Go me.), Cindy was awesome enough to invite me along to Dungeonmaster over in L.A. tonight. I went, I put in a character, I was called up on stage to play, I saw one of my classmates there, and it was a blast.
What wasn't quite as much fun was seeing Justin. The guy barely paid me any attention, and most of the attention I was paid by him was due to my seeking him out. Otherwise, I was there waiting for him to actually acknowledge me in some fashion, which he barely did. He knew a lot more people than I did, but he made no effort to introduce me or bring me into any sort of conversation. I literally had to seek people out to talk with. I also got the feeling he wasn't too thrilled that I was called on stage and he wasn't. I'd wanted to play DM since he told me about it, but I would have been just as happy sitting in the audience supporting him when he went onstage. I felt like any support he might have given me was barely cursory in nature, asking if I had fun and so on.
Seriously? The guy was being a fucking jerk. I was there, just as he (and I) had always wanted, and then he barely paid any attention to me. He didn't try to introduce me to anyone, he just left me hanging. Okay, I get it. He wants to keep his precious feelings from possibly being bruised in a few months. But this? This was so beyond insulting it's not even funny. I don't give a shit what little games he wants to play, I want to be treated with the courtesy and respect I deserve from him. I'm not going to be treated like fucking garbage simply because he can't man up and be courteous.
What wasn't quite as much fun was seeing Justin. The guy barely paid me any attention, and most of the attention I was paid by him was due to my seeking him out. Otherwise, I was there waiting for him to actually acknowledge me in some fashion, which he barely did. He knew a lot more people than I did, but he made no effort to introduce me or bring me into any sort of conversation. I literally had to seek people out to talk with. I also got the feeling he wasn't too thrilled that I was called on stage and he wasn't. I'd wanted to play DM since he told me about it, but I would have been just as happy sitting in the audience supporting him when he went onstage. I felt like any support he might have given me was barely cursory in nature, asking if I had fun and so on.
Seriously? The guy was being a fucking jerk. I was there, just as he (and I) had always wanted, and then he barely paid any attention to me. He didn't try to introduce me to anyone, he just left me hanging. Okay, I get it. He wants to keep his precious feelings from possibly being bruised in a few months. But this? This was so beyond insulting it's not even funny. I don't give a shit what little games he wants to play, I want to be treated with the courtesy and respect I deserve from him. I'm not going to be treated like fucking garbage simply because he can't man up and be courteous.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Freewrite 3/3: Out of my element
(Technically, I was going to write this last night, but wound up too tired to put it together.)
Coming home yesterday after class, I realized how out of my element I'm still feeling. I'm still used to where I came from: a small town setting with a much lower population density and a lot more room. Suburbs and cities feel so...crowded to me. They were always great to visit, but I never liked staying too long. Mm, guess it's just something to get used to.
Sometimes I forget I've only been up here for a few months. I feel like I should be past a lot of what I feel, then I remember I haven't been here for that long. It's all still part of the adjustment process, and I'll get through it soon enough. I have a lot going for me, and a lot of people willing to help and to cheer me on.
I talked with Mom the other night. I know, I'd said I would try to limit contact with home since it was always so negative, but this time felt much more positive. I told her how I've been doing in school, and she seemed happy for me. I then asked her if it was important to her that I be doing something -even something as unorthodox as Mortuary Science- and she answered that she didn't care what I did as long as a) I was doing something (whether school or full-time work or something else) and b) that I'm happy with it. That really has taken a load off me in terms of my feelings toward my parents. I still miss them, but it doesn't hurt the same way it had before. Not now that I know better what she's thinking (not overt, 150% approval, but not total disapproval either).
As far as things with Justin, all in all I'm feeling pretty good. I wasn't sure how I'd handle things when he and I talked about it a while back, but I'm feeling more settled about it now. I'd by lying if I said I didn't miss him now and then, but it's more in the sense of being wishful (ie, wanting to spend time with him every so often) as opposed to anything painful. I'm handling things pretty well, still working on my goals and making gradual progress. I don't have a whole lot of time, but I feel like I have enough to get somewhere. Even if we don't talk all that much, I still send as much love and support his direction as I can. I know things aren't ideal for him either, and I hope they level out soon.
So in short, life is still life, and I'm still living. I know what I need to do to keep moving ahead, and I'm going to do it, no matter what. As always, support and love are appreciated.
Coming home yesterday after class, I realized how out of my element I'm still feeling. I'm still used to where I came from: a small town setting with a much lower population density and a lot more room. Suburbs and cities feel so...crowded to me. They were always great to visit, but I never liked staying too long. Mm, guess it's just something to get used to.
Sometimes I forget I've only been up here for a few months. I feel like I should be past a lot of what I feel, then I remember I haven't been here for that long. It's all still part of the adjustment process, and I'll get through it soon enough. I have a lot going for me, and a lot of people willing to help and to cheer me on.
I talked with Mom the other night. I know, I'd said I would try to limit contact with home since it was always so negative, but this time felt much more positive. I told her how I've been doing in school, and she seemed happy for me. I then asked her if it was important to her that I be doing something -even something as unorthodox as Mortuary Science- and she answered that she didn't care what I did as long as a) I was doing something (whether school or full-time work or something else) and b) that I'm happy with it. That really has taken a load off me in terms of my feelings toward my parents. I still miss them, but it doesn't hurt the same way it had before. Not now that I know better what she's thinking (not overt, 150% approval, but not total disapproval either).
As far as things with Justin, all in all I'm feeling pretty good. I wasn't sure how I'd handle things when he and I talked about it a while back, but I'm feeling more settled about it now. I'd by lying if I said I didn't miss him now and then, but it's more in the sense of being wishful (ie, wanting to spend time with him every so often) as opposed to anything painful. I'm handling things pretty well, still working on my goals and making gradual progress. I don't have a whole lot of time, but I feel like I have enough to get somewhere. Even if we don't talk all that much, I still send as much love and support his direction as I can. I know things aren't ideal for him either, and I hope they level out soon.
So in short, life is still life, and I'm still living. I know what I need to do to keep moving ahead, and I'm going to do it, no matter what. As always, support and love are appreciated.
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