It seems that, the more I keep pushing forward, the less I'm leaning on this. I'm not ignoring it intentionally, I just feel like an idiot at the thought of constantly having entries that are merely 'Today, nothing happened', or some variant thereof. I like to write when I feel the need to, whether for good or for bad.
This definitely turned out to be one of the 'good' ones. I'm writing this on the last night of my visiting my parents for Thanksgiving.
...Yeah, I'll wait for the shock to dissipate. I've got all night.
Kidding aside, I know it seems counter-intuitive that I'm here. Many people who know me and know what I've dealt with over the past eleven months or so were worried about my visiting. But I wanted to test the waters for myself, so to speak. To put it simply, I've been tired of the 'can I or can't I go home' Limbo I've been stuck in since last December. Even though Mom had told me I could visit if I wanted, I still wasn't totally sure it was necessarily a good idea. So Thanksgiving was to be a test-run of sorts. I was extending an olive branch, to see how my parents would handle me visiting. If they were negative, then I wouldn't have any qualms about staying away. If they were neutral-to-positive, I'd see about visiting whenever I could.
So this first visit back home in nearly a year overall was good. There were one or two little snags, but all in all no really huge issues. The 'snags' were things that their past behavior set up to happen in some ways, so I hope they weren't too surprised at them happening. But they've been interested in my schooling, interested in what classes I'm still needing, giving what input/advice they can, and taking care of me without necessarily enabling me or letting me off the hook. I'm still answering to them and to my aunt; they'll all kill me if I give up now.
They have made promises to me that I hope to hold them to, especially where a vehicle is concerned. I was told that they'll help me get a vehicle if I save up $3-$5K towards it. That seems totally doable on my end, so why not?
I have something of a theory about all of this: Simply put, I think we needed space from each other. My parents were operating under the assumption that I knew exactly what they wanted and needed, whereas I was wanting them to tell me what they needed from me. It just kept building from there until things fell apart. My being away for nearly a year before this visit allowed us all to cool off, catch our breath, and just have space from one another to work through things. (My going to CSUN certainly seems to help with all of that, I think.) I think from here there's a good chance of things working better.
Guess we'll see where things go from here. (Oh yeah. Mom made the remark that, based on his behavior towards me, she thinks I've likely outgrown Justin. At this point in time -as well as the foreseeable future- that feels like an accurate assessment.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug (Continued)
My last posting proves that I should really stay away from computers at 2AM. I didn't realize just how exhausted and overwhelmed I was. So, let's try it again, shall we?
In short, I'm officially done with Justin. I tried being good to him, I kept trying to be good to him, and it wasn't enough. I'm tired of not getting a straight answer from him. I'm tired of his wish-washy 'it doesn't affect me, so I don't care about your life events' crap when I ask him if he's supportive of my going to CSUN. I'm tired of him using his flawed, circular logic to try and prove his points, I'm tired of him trying to pit me against Becky when I call him on his crap, all of it. I have tried so hard to compromise with him, I've tried bending over backwards to understand what he wants, and I'm getting nothing in return except insulted. He has essentially told me he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks my attempts to try and understand him and be good to him are 'manipulative' and 'stalker'-ish, and he keeps insisting he's perfectly fine while also talking about how he has zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence.
And I'm sad. This all makes me so incredibly sad. I believed in the guy, I knew he has so much more value than even he gives himself credit for. I never thought he was a screw-up, just that he (like many of us) just needs some work. He's so incredibly talented that, with the right training and confidence, he really could go far. But he won't believe in himself and his work, and he refuses to have anything to do with people who truly care and want to help him. He's hurt a LOT of people this way, and now I'm just another one. It breaks my heart, it makes me sad, it feels like an utter waste...I could go on and on about how all this makes me feel. He's falling apart piecemeal, I can see it. But I can't save him. I can no longer help him, I can't save him, I just need to leave.
And so I'll leave. Optimistic little thing that I am, I'll keep a tiny bit of hope that he'll one day actually start bettering himself, but it's a slim hope that I doubt would even come true. He's apparently happy with his lot in life, nothing's really going to change. I think in some small way I'll always care (it isn't easy to just switch that off), but I can't watch him keep spiraling downward while he claims nothing is wrong with him. It really does hurt, but I can't let him and his attitude keep me from pursuing what I'm doing.
In short, I'm officially done with Justin. I tried being good to him, I kept trying to be good to him, and it wasn't enough. I'm tired of not getting a straight answer from him. I'm tired of his wish-washy 'it doesn't affect me, so I don't care about your life events' crap when I ask him if he's supportive of my going to CSUN. I'm tired of him using his flawed, circular logic to try and prove his points, I'm tired of him trying to pit me against Becky when I call him on his crap, all of it. I have tried so hard to compromise with him, I've tried bending over backwards to understand what he wants, and I'm getting nothing in return except insulted. He has essentially told me he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks my attempts to try and understand him and be good to him are 'manipulative' and 'stalker'-ish, and he keeps insisting he's perfectly fine while also talking about how he has zero self-esteem and zero self-confidence.
And I'm sad. This all makes me so incredibly sad. I believed in the guy, I knew he has so much more value than even he gives himself credit for. I never thought he was a screw-up, just that he (like many of us) just needs some work. He's so incredibly talented that, with the right training and confidence, he really could go far. But he won't believe in himself and his work, and he refuses to have anything to do with people who truly care and want to help him. He's hurt a LOT of people this way, and now I'm just another one. It breaks my heart, it makes me sad, it feels like an utter waste...I could go on and on about how all this makes me feel. He's falling apart piecemeal, I can see it. But I can't save him. I can no longer help him, I can't save him, I just need to leave.
And so I'll leave. Optimistic little thing that I am, I'll keep a tiny bit of hope that he'll one day actually start bettering himself, but it's a slim hope that I doubt would even come true. He's apparently happy with his lot in life, nothing's really going to change. I think in some small way I'll always care (it isn't easy to just switch that off), but I can't watch him keep spiraling downward while he claims nothing is wrong with him. It really does hurt, but I can't let him and his attitude keep me from pursuing what I'm doing.
Freewrite 10/31: Pulling the Plug
It is done. I am done, and I am over it.
I'm tired of the bad treatment, tired of being strung along, tired of being told I'm somehow 'lesser' for merely being human, tired of my caring being thrown back in my face...all of it. I'd been wavering for the past few months about Justin, but I know now that cutting him out of my life is the right thing to do. He cannot and will not treat me with respect, he refuses to compromise or attempt any sort of understanding, then he blames me for his behavior.
Any friendship with him had essentially been on life support for the past few months as I evaluated how he was treating me. While there have been good times, there have been even more bad times, even more times when he refused to treat me with the simplest decency, then told me it was somehow MY fault that HE chose to behave in that manner.
And I'm done. It hurt to come to this decision, but I can't be hurt anymore while waiting for him to be decent. I won't let myself be hurt while wishing he were the type of man I know he can be. He can be so much more than he is, but I can't let myself wait for the day he realizes that fact. He chose to be this way, I now choose to walk away.
I'm tired of the bad treatment, tired of being strung along, tired of being told I'm somehow 'lesser' for merely being human, tired of my caring being thrown back in my face...all of it. I'd been wavering for the past few months about Justin, but I know now that cutting him out of my life is the right thing to do. He cannot and will not treat me with respect, he refuses to compromise or attempt any sort of understanding, then he blames me for his behavior.
Any friendship with him had essentially been on life support for the past few months as I evaluated how he was treating me. While there have been good times, there have been even more bad times, even more times when he refused to treat me with the simplest decency, then told me it was somehow MY fault that HE chose to behave in that manner.
And I'm done. It hurt to come to this decision, but I can't be hurt anymore while waiting for him to be decent. I won't let myself be hurt while wishing he were the type of man I know he can be. He can be so much more than he is, but I can't let myself wait for the day he realizes that fact. He chose to be this way, I now choose to walk away.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Freewrite 10/5: Week 6
So here I am. I'm in week 6 of my first semester at Cal State Northridge. And by extension, week 6 of my time here in Reseda.
If I seem underwhelmed, I don't mean to. I'm just telling it like it is, so to speak. It only really occurred to me Monday afternoon that this was my sixth week, and it just feels so...natural. I've gradually been meeting people, gradually getting into things on campus, and I'll have a decently paying job soon if all works out well. So I think things are skewing in a more positive direction, which is a nice plus considering there have been a few naysayers along my way who swore I'd never make it to this point. My living environment is great as well. Sure, I share it with a bunch of people, but it's worked out well for me. The space is big enough that you don't feel like you're walking on top of anyone else, and the sleep area is far from being a 'shoebox' or anything else super small. Plus, on days when other people have classes and I don't, it's nice to have this huge of a space practically to myself.
Academics-wise, I'm in a good place where I feel like I belong. Personal-wise, I don't know if it's really home or not. I've worked so hard to reach this point, but the people whom I promised I would get here don't seem to care. There are days when I feel cut off personally from things, even when academically things are going well. But in the end, who knows?
If I seem underwhelmed, I don't mean to. I'm just telling it like it is, so to speak. It only really occurred to me Monday afternoon that this was my sixth week, and it just feels so...natural. I've gradually been meeting people, gradually getting into things on campus, and I'll have a decently paying job soon if all works out well. So I think things are skewing in a more positive direction, which is a nice plus considering there have been a few naysayers along my way who swore I'd never make it to this point. My living environment is great as well. Sure, I share it with a bunch of people, but it's worked out well for me. The space is big enough that you don't feel like you're walking on top of anyone else, and the sleep area is far from being a 'shoebox' or anything else super small. Plus, on days when other people have classes and I don't, it's nice to have this huge of a space practically to myself.
Academics-wise, I'm in a good place where I feel like I belong. Personal-wise, I don't know if it's really home or not. I've worked so hard to reach this point, but the people whom I promised I would get here don't seem to care. There are days when I feel cut off personally from things, even when academically things are going well. But in the end, who knows?
Friday, September 23, 2011
Freewrite 9/23: the Nature of Things
With my semester kicking into high gear, I've had the chance to really sit down and think about how things have been going for me. I must say, they feel like they're going well. I still feel like this is where I belong at this point in my life, and that this is what I should be doing for the interim. I'm enjoying learning about myself and about the environment around me, since it's all still so new to me.
I've also let myself think about me, about where I came from and where I've been for the past nine months. Surprisingly enough, it isn't nearly as difficult to think on as I'd thought it might be; if anything, it's been rather easy. I've come a long way since that night in December when my parents told me they didn't want me staying in their house, and each day I grow that much stronger. It used to be that remembering that night would make me tear up, now I can think of it with dry eyes. I sigh a bit at remembering it all, but nothing terribly painful. It just feels like a waste, of sorts. I wanted that parting to be a better one, not one influenced by Dad and his temper tantrums. But sometimes that sort of painful separation is the best way to break free, lest one remain complacent for too long.
Or worse. Some of you might note that I often jest that I'm too 'stubborn' to die. I still believe that of myself, but I also know that, had I remained in that environment much longer, I would have been another statistic. Even if all hadn't fallen apart, even if I had managed to remain there until I began CSUN, it wouldn't have mattered. The thing was, being there was making me compromise my own nature, it was making me be someone I couldn't keep on being. And that sort of life hurts, it hurts a lot. Had I stayed, I would never have made it to CSUN because I couldn't keep holding in that kind of pain while living that kind of lie.
You know what sucked about those first several months? If you know me well enough, you know I tend to be a rather bright, cheerful (or at the least mellow) individual. Those first five or six months? I. Was. Depressed. No, literally. I was literally depressed. Depressed, grieving, and struggling to pull myself back up to where I needed to get to. The problem with that depression is it was so subtle, and it was intertwined with so many other things that I couldn't even identify it until I distanced myself from it by a few months. In the process, I didn't take care of myself as I needed to, and I made a LOT of mistakes. I took things that weren't mine without asking, mostly out of fear and prior manipulations. Any ability I'd previously had to ask for my needs to be met was intimidated out of me because it was 'inconvenient' for me to have needs. I was in a lot of pain, and I was struggling to get from zero to sixty, as it were. I wasn't happy as I was, but I didn't know at the time how to fix myself, or how long it would take. Could I have done better? Maybe. I did what I could with what I had and the capacity I felt I had to do it with. I accomplished a few things that helped me along the way, and so shaped me now.
I really don't have regrets. Regret implies that I wish I hadn't gone through things because they were unpleasant for me. And yes, there were very unpleasant things. But I learned from them, so why should I regret them? The negatives turned into positives in the end, and they helped me to get to this point, so I really can't regret them. What I can do is acknowledge them for what they were, acknowledge that there were things I could have handled better or done differently, forgive myself for what I had control over, and move from there. That is what I have a say in, and that's all I can do myself. Acknowledge, learn, forgive myself, and keep forging ahead. What others think of me in that regard is irrelevant, as I have no control over that sort of thing.
I'm not afraid anymore. A little nervous at times, yes, but not afraid. I've learned a lot about myself and what I can do. I'm not who I was, and yet I am. I'm not judged for who I was, as I was back home. When someone sees me for the first time, they don't think 'Oh, it's the Chiropractor's daughter', or 'Oh, it's Stephanie's little sister'. I'm seen as just me, and that's fine with me. I'm judged by what I do for myself, instead of what the 'fishbowl' expects me to do.
From here, who knows? I just wish this path didn't feel so lonely sometimes.
I've also let myself think about me, about where I came from and where I've been for the past nine months. Surprisingly enough, it isn't nearly as difficult to think on as I'd thought it might be; if anything, it's been rather easy. I've come a long way since that night in December when my parents told me they didn't want me staying in their house, and each day I grow that much stronger. It used to be that remembering that night would make me tear up, now I can think of it with dry eyes. I sigh a bit at remembering it all, but nothing terribly painful. It just feels like a waste, of sorts. I wanted that parting to be a better one, not one influenced by Dad and his temper tantrums. But sometimes that sort of painful separation is the best way to break free, lest one remain complacent for too long.
Or worse. Some of you might note that I often jest that I'm too 'stubborn' to die. I still believe that of myself, but I also know that, had I remained in that environment much longer, I would have been another statistic. Even if all hadn't fallen apart, even if I had managed to remain there until I began CSUN, it wouldn't have mattered. The thing was, being there was making me compromise my own nature, it was making me be someone I couldn't keep on being. And that sort of life hurts, it hurts a lot. Had I stayed, I would never have made it to CSUN because I couldn't keep holding in that kind of pain while living that kind of lie.
You know what sucked about those first several months? If you know me well enough, you know I tend to be a rather bright, cheerful (or at the least mellow) individual. Those first five or six months? I. Was. Depressed. No, literally. I was literally depressed. Depressed, grieving, and struggling to pull myself back up to where I needed to get to. The problem with that depression is it was so subtle, and it was intertwined with so many other things that I couldn't even identify it until I distanced myself from it by a few months. In the process, I didn't take care of myself as I needed to, and I made a LOT of mistakes. I took things that weren't mine without asking, mostly out of fear and prior manipulations. Any ability I'd previously had to ask for my needs to be met was intimidated out of me because it was 'inconvenient' for me to have needs. I was in a lot of pain, and I was struggling to get from zero to sixty, as it were. I wasn't happy as I was, but I didn't know at the time how to fix myself, or how long it would take. Could I have done better? Maybe. I did what I could with what I had and the capacity I felt I had to do it with. I accomplished a few things that helped me along the way, and so shaped me now.
I really don't have regrets. Regret implies that I wish I hadn't gone through things because they were unpleasant for me. And yes, there were very unpleasant things. But I learned from them, so why should I regret them? The negatives turned into positives in the end, and they helped me to get to this point, so I really can't regret them. What I can do is acknowledge them for what they were, acknowledge that there were things I could have handled better or done differently, forgive myself for what I had control over, and move from there. That is what I have a say in, and that's all I can do myself. Acknowledge, learn, forgive myself, and keep forging ahead. What others think of me in that regard is irrelevant, as I have no control over that sort of thing.
I'm not afraid anymore. A little nervous at times, yes, but not afraid. I've learned a lot about myself and what I can do. I'm not who I was, and yet I am. I'm not judged for who I was, as I was back home. When someone sees me for the first time, they don't think 'Oh, it's the Chiropractor's daughter', or 'Oh, it's Stephanie's little sister'. I'm seen as just me, and that's fine with me. I'm judged by what I do for myself, instead of what the 'fishbowl' expects me to do.
From here, who knows? I just wish this path didn't feel so lonely sometimes.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Freewrite 9/12: A Tenuous Olive Branch
So you might remember a while back I had talked about cutting my parents out of my life completely due to their perceived toxicity? It's kind of a long story, but this is sort of an update to that.
Saturday was Mom's birthday, so naturally I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday. We talked for a little while about things, and she really seemed interested in my schooling. She gave her typical 'Mom' advice, and we ended our chat on a positive note.
Continuing on, Mom had mentioned my sister moving to Virginia with her job, so last night I called and chatted with her for a while. As with Mom, she seemed really interested, and gave some good 'Big Sis' advice that I'll definitely be keeping in mind and pondering on.
I hadn't realized how much I missed Stephanie and James, how much I really miss home. For all the really bad -especially there at the end before I left- there was a lot of good as well. I miss the Terriers, miss the Boxers, miss the chats Mom and I would have about school...I really could go on. I reiterated with both Mom and Steph that I'd like to visit if I can manage, and they seemed open to it.
The volatile variable in all of this still seems to be Dad. When I talked with Grandma, she was telling me that she felt Mom wasn't able to tell her as much as she might have wanted (and by extension didn't seem that receptive to what was said) because Dad may have been nearby. Talking with Steph confirms this a bit better, as she told me Dad's the same as he ever was. That really worries me, and I told her as such. She reassured me that Mom's dealt with it for 33 years now, so she's likely the best person to keep dealing with him, so to speak. Still, that doesn't sit well with me. I don't like the idea of her being in that environment, even if she 'knows best how to handle him'. That really doesn't seem fair.
But then, not a lot of things in life are fair, are they?
Saturday was Mom's birthday, so naturally I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday. We talked for a little while about things, and she really seemed interested in my schooling. She gave her typical 'Mom' advice, and we ended our chat on a positive note.
Continuing on, Mom had mentioned my sister moving to Virginia with her job, so last night I called and chatted with her for a while. As with Mom, she seemed really interested, and gave some good 'Big Sis' advice that I'll definitely be keeping in mind and pondering on.
I hadn't realized how much I missed Stephanie and James, how much I really miss home. For all the really bad -especially there at the end before I left- there was a lot of good as well. I miss the Terriers, miss the Boxers, miss the chats Mom and I would have about school...I really could go on. I reiterated with both Mom and Steph that I'd like to visit if I can manage, and they seemed open to it.
The volatile variable in all of this still seems to be Dad. When I talked with Grandma, she was telling me that she felt Mom wasn't able to tell her as much as she might have wanted (and by extension didn't seem that receptive to what was said) because Dad may have been nearby. Talking with Steph confirms this a bit better, as she told me Dad's the same as he ever was. That really worries me, and I told her as such. She reassured me that Mom's dealt with it for 33 years now, so she's likely the best person to keep dealing with him, so to speak. Still, that doesn't sit well with me. I don't like the idea of her being in that environment, even if she 'knows best how to handle him'. That really doesn't seem fair.
But then, not a lot of things in life are fair, are they?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Freewrite 9/6: Continuing to Excise
The more I interact with and see Justin, the sadder his behavior makes me. He claims he doesn't hate me, has said in the past he wants to remain friends, yet he's the worst sort of fair-weather friend. He really only seems to 'care' when there's something he wants; most other times he says he cares little and finds a ot of my behavior 'annoying'.
I don't care, personally. He can find me as 'annoying' as he wishes, that doesn't excuse his being a disrespectful jerkass. I haven't turned in my right to be treated like a decent human being, and I'll be damned if I let him get away with disrespecting me. If I extend him an invitation, he can decline it like a mature adult, instead of throwing a whining fit like a toddler. Last I checked, the guy is nearly 30, not going on 3. He should have long since grown out of the whiny 'I want my way or I'll throw a fit' behavior he still shows. I mean, I can understand being peeved if one is extended an invitation every day, f'rinstance. But he's not actually extended an invitation every day, just when I feel it would be enjoyable. Even I'm not that desperate to see him.
But whatever. He wants Becky and I to leave him alone, fuck him. I'm done with the whining, with the hissy fits, with the 'I'm better than you even though you're way out of my league' behavior from him. We can leave him alone, easily. So in short, until he actually improves his behavior, I'll be saying 'So Long' to this loser. Maybe if he can actually behave himself around us we'll let him back.
I don't care, personally. He can find me as 'annoying' as he wishes, that doesn't excuse his being a disrespectful jerkass. I haven't turned in my right to be treated like a decent human being, and I'll be damned if I let him get away with disrespecting me. If I extend him an invitation, he can decline it like a mature adult, instead of throwing a whining fit like a toddler. Last I checked, the guy is nearly 30, not going on 3. He should have long since grown out of the whiny 'I want my way or I'll throw a fit' behavior he still shows. I mean, I can understand being peeved if one is extended an invitation every day, f'rinstance. But he's not actually extended an invitation every day, just when I feel it would be enjoyable. Even I'm not that desperate to see him.
But whatever. He wants Becky and I to leave him alone, fuck him. I'm done with the whining, with the hissy fits, with the 'I'm better than you even though you're way out of my league' behavior from him. We can leave him alone, easily. So in short, until he actually improves his behavior, I'll be saying 'So Long' to this loser. Maybe if he can actually behave himself around us we'll let him back.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Freewrite 8/30: Vanishing Act
I'll start this off with a bit of explanation about me.
Some of my traits lend themselves well to being both negative and positive. They're positive because they keep me focused and working hard, yet they're negative because other people often don't know how to respond to them. They also serve to remind others that I am a person with my own feelings and needs, that I won't lay down quietly and take bad treatment from others. Much of it is due to how I was treated in the past; my feelings and wants were disregarded, so now I redouble my efforts to make sure they're taken into consideration. Sadly, it also can mean that I tend to react more harshly when I feel others are pushing my buttons or treating me badly, no matter how innocuous their intentions. I have to be blunt: If I feel like I'm being disrespected or treated badly, I will very likely be triggered and I will very likely react accordingly. I hate that I'm currently wired like this, and I plan to work on trying to defuse those wires so I can react less extremely. CSUN has great resources for mental health/counseling that I plan to take advantage of now that I'm in an environment where I feel I belong and can thrive.
Justin, however, is still a sticking point that just doesn't seem to have an easy remedy. I'm not sure he fully realizes just how triggering a lot of his behavior is for me (at least, I hope he doesn't. I don't think I could handle it if he knew he was being triggering and behaved that way anyway). But the fact is, a lot of his behaviors push my 'trigger' buttons, then he throws it in my face that I 'have issues' that he can't deal with. Sadly, telling me I'm 'overreacting' does essentially nothing to help matters, and only will get me angrier. (Hey, YOU try reacting perfectly rationally when someone tells you you're overreacting when your buttons are pushed and you're upset.) I think the toughest part is when he knows I'm hurt, yet he refuses to show empathy. Even just saying 'sorry things are rough; hang in there, they'll get better' or some variant thereof can be a help. Or even just apologizing for something that was misconstrued. My parents wouldn't show much empathy when they hurt me, or they would show very shallow and false empathy but never change their behavior to prevent it from happening again.
I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt here. A lot of people don't always fully realize when they trigger someone, especially when that 'someone' has dealt with invisible trauma and is healing from it. My transitional period is over, and now I feel I can heal much more deeply than I could during the first 8 months. I don't get the feeling he's doing any of it maliciously, but more because he doesn't understand how better to handle things. I always ask him to be sensitive, but I don't think he knows how to do so without a bit of help. I really want to help him to help me, so to speak. I want to help him be able to navigate my moods and my touchy spots so as to make things easier on both of us, just as I've been trying to do for him.
Of course, as much as it pains me to have to do, I also have to acknowledge that he just might plain hate me. I'm used to that, dealing with it from my parents, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've told him if he hates me, it's no issue for me to disappear. I won't stay where I'm not wanted, and I'm good as disappearing from those sort of situations. I've wanted him to succeed, wanted to be supportive, wanted to see him succeed, and wanted him to see what a success I'll become. But if he hates me, then I can't do that. I genuinely miss his company, miss just spending quiet time with him, even if just watching a movie and talking. But I won't force myself into his company if he hates me. I miss him so much that I'm crying a bit as I write this, but I won't stay if he doesn't want me to.
Some of my traits lend themselves well to being both negative and positive. They're positive because they keep me focused and working hard, yet they're negative because other people often don't know how to respond to them. They also serve to remind others that I am a person with my own feelings and needs, that I won't lay down quietly and take bad treatment from others. Much of it is due to how I was treated in the past; my feelings and wants were disregarded, so now I redouble my efforts to make sure they're taken into consideration. Sadly, it also can mean that I tend to react more harshly when I feel others are pushing my buttons or treating me badly, no matter how innocuous their intentions. I have to be blunt: If I feel like I'm being disrespected or treated badly, I will very likely be triggered and I will very likely react accordingly. I hate that I'm currently wired like this, and I plan to work on trying to defuse those wires so I can react less extremely. CSUN has great resources for mental health/counseling that I plan to take advantage of now that I'm in an environment where I feel I belong and can thrive.
Justin, however, is still a sticking point that just doesn't seem to have an easy remedy. I'm not sure he fully realizes just how triggering a lot of his behavior is for me (at least, I hope he doesn't. I don't think I could handle it if he knew he was being triggering and behaved that way anyway). But the fact is, a lot of his behaviors push my 'trigger' buttons, then he throws it in my face that I 'have issues' that he can't deal with. Sadly, telling me I'm 'overreacting' does essentially nothing to help matters, and only will get me angrier. (Hey, YOU try reacting perfectly rationally when someone tells you you're overreacting when your buttons are pushed and you're upset.) I think the toughest part is when he knows I'm hurt, yet he refuses to show empathy. Even just saying 'sorry things are rough; hang in there, they'll get better' or some variant thereof can be a help. Or even just apologizing for something that was misconstrued. My parents wouldn't show much empathy when they hurt me, or they would show very shallow and false empathy but never change their behavior to prevent it from happening again.
I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt here. A lot of people don't always fully realize when they trigger someone, especially when that 'someone' has dealt with invisible trauma and is healing from it. My transitional period is over, and now I feel I can heal much more deeply than I could during the first 8 months. I don't get the feeling he's doing any of it maliciously, but more because he doesn't understand how better to handle things. I always ask him to be sensitive, but I don't think he knows how to do so without a bit of help. I really want to help him to help me, so to speak. I want to help him be able to navigate my moods and my touchy spots so as to make things easier on both of us, just as I've been trying to do for him.
Of course, as much as it pains me to have to do, I also have to acknowledge that he just might plain hate me. I'm used to that, dealing with it from my parents, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I've told him if he hates me, it's no issue for me to disappear. I won't stay where I'm not wanted, and I'm good as disappearing from those sort of situations. I've wanted him to succeed, wanted to be supportive, wanted to see him succeed, and wanted him to see what a success I'll become. But if he hates me, then I can't do that. I genuinely miss his company, miss just spending quiet time with him, even if just watching a movie and talking. But I won't force myself into his company if he hates me. I miss him so much that I'm crying a bit as I write this, but I won't stay if he doesn't want me to.
Non-freewrite Update: My current status and state of being
This isn't a freewrite. Rather, it's an update as to my current feelings and status. (Freewrite is forthcoming.)
In short, all systems worked out, and I have begun my first semester as a University student. I am at CSU Northridge pursuing a Bachelor's in Public Health Education, I live in a nice place a couple miles from campus, and so far things are good.
Wait. Things are actually GREAT. I love my living arrangements. I live in a large home with a bunch of other people (the majority of whom are CSUN students), and it's a great environment to live in while I study. I'm already a bit more sociable with people, and I'm enjoying sitting out in the common areas and watching TV or using my Netbook, rather than sitting in a room doing nothing. Everyone here is awesome, we're all supportive of one another, and it's just a great space to relax and study in. I can see myself sticking around here for a while.
As for University, lemme tell you something. It felt AMAZING to set foot on campus yesterday. I really felt like I'd found my niche, felt like I was right where I belonged. When I was going to Cypress, I felt very 'ehhhh' about being there. It just didn't feel like I was supposed to be there. But I definitely feel like I have a place at CSUN, even if it is a huge University, and I can see myself doing some good here. Go me.
In short, all systems worked out, and I have begun my first semester as a University student. I am at CSU Northridge pursuing a Bachelor's in Public Health Education, I live in a nice place a couple miles from campus, and so far things are good.
Wait. Things are actually GREAT. I love my living arrangements. I live in a large home with a bunch of other people (the majority of whom are CSUN students), and it's a great environment to live in while I study. I'm already a bit more sociable with people, and I'm enjoying sitting out in the common areas and watching TV or using my Netbook, rather than sitting in a room doing nothing. Everyone here is awesome, we're all supportive of one another, and it's just a great space to relax and study in. I can see myself sticking around here for a while.
As for University, lemme tell you something. It felt AMAZING to set foot on campus yesterday. I really felt like I'd found my niche, felt like I was right where I belonged. When I was going to Cypress, I felt very 'ehhhh' about being there. It just didn't feel like I was supposed to be there. But I definitely feel like I have a place at CSUN, even if it is a huge University, and I can see myself doing some good here. Go me.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Freewrite 8/21: Further nails
In one of my blog posts last month, I talked about my last chat with Mom, and how low she made me feel when I was doing exactly what she always wanted me to do. Well, I now have reasons to add more nails to her proverbial coffin.
Ever since I moved out back in December, I had meant to get back in touch with my grandmother. Mom had mentioned it, Aunt Mary Lou had mentioned it, and it was on my mind quite a bit. I finally decided to do so. While talking to my aunt and catching up on things with her (She's doing well, by the by. Chemo's been rough on her, but she's handling it as well as she can.), I asked her if she could give me my grandmother's phone number, since my weird memory has her address memorized, but it refuses to store her number. Needless to say, she was happy to give it to me, and I gave my grandmother a call.
My grandmother was incredibly happy (and relieved!) to hear from me, since it had been so long since I'd last talked to her. She then told me that Mom was essentially badmouthing me to her whenever the two of them would talk. It got to the point that my grandmother yelled at her for essentially abandoning me when I needed her the most. She didn't share specifics about what Mom was saying about me, but from her voice and her words it couldn't have been anything good.
...Yeah, that sound you heard? That was the sound of my feeling like I was slapped in the face. I've grieved leaving (never regretted it!), wanted to keep some sort of communication open with her, maybe even reestablish some sort of relationship. Now, I wouldn't spit on either of them if they were on fire. After how abhorrently she and Dad behaved toward me, I would have thought eight months would be enough time for her to accept my choices and be more accepting of me. Apparently some people have nothing better to do than stew in their bitterness; not that it matters to me since I no longer have to personally put up with it.
I will say this. I love how my grandmother stepped up and supported me. I admit, I'd been a bit leery of talking to her because I worried she would have heard the whole deal from Mom and thought I should try reconciling with her. It is a HUGE relief to know that she is supportive of CSUN and that she encourages me to keep the 2.5-3 hour distance from Mom and Dad. It makes all of this hurt quite a bit less.
Ever since I moved out back in December, I had meant to get back in touch with my grandmother. Mom had mentioned it, Aunt Mary Lou had mentioned it, and it was on my mind quite a bit. I finally decided to do so. While talking to my aunt and catching up on things with her (She's doing well, by the by. Chemo's been rough on her, but she's handling it as well as she can.), I asked her if she could give me my grandmother's phone number, since my weird memory has her address memorized, but it refuses to store her number. Needless to say, she was happy to give it to me, and I gave my grandmother a call.
My grandmother was incredibly happy (and relieved!) to hear from me, since it had been so long since I'd last talked to her. She then told me that Mom was essentially badmouthing me to her whenever the two of them would talk. It got to the point that my grandmother yelled at her for essentially abandoning me when I needed her the most. She didn't share specifics about what Mom was saying about me, but from her voice and her words it couldn't have been anything good.
...Yeah, that sound you heard? That was the sound of my feeling like I was slapped in the face. I've grieved leaving (never regretted it!), wanted to keep some sort of communication open with her, maybe even reestablish some sort of relationship. Now, I wouldn't spit on either of them if they were on fire. After how abhorrently she and Dad behaved toward me, I would have thought eight months would be enough time for her to accept my choices and be more accepting of me. Apparently some people have nothing better to do than stew in their bitterness; not that it matters to me since I no longer have to personally put up with it.
I will say this. I love how my grandmother stepped up and supported me. I admit, I'd been a bit leery of talking to her because I worried she would have heard the whole deal from Mom and thought I should try reconciling with her. It is a HUGE relief to know that she is supportive of CSUN and that she encourages me to keep the 2.5-3 hour distance from Mom and Dad. It makes all of this hurt quite a bit less.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Freewrite 8/19 2/2: Privilege
I'll say it. I really hope Justin appreciates his family and their interest and support of him. I'm not saying that to be nasty, or sarcastic. I really do hope that every time he goes and sees them -regardless of the reason- that he really appreciates the privilege that he has.
In this morning's bout of insomnia, I thought about how incredibly cheated I feel as I start finalizing my CSUN gear-up. I thought about how so many people get support from their families as they move to a new school, starting something this new and exciting, and I don't have that. My parents can't be bothered to give more than the most cursory care about things, no matter how positive they are for me, and I doubt my sister is much better in that regard. And you know what? I'm far from the only one who is in a boat like this, who has had to climb out of their own personal hell, and has the broken nails to prove we clawed our way out.
I honestly feel incredibly scarred by the psychological wounds I've had to carry. I've been belittled, had my sense of self chiseled at, threatened, called names...I really could go on and on. I've had to carry those secrets internally, because I was told that a) no one would believe me, and b) I would lose all security (roof over my head and so on) if I said anything. Making that anecdote worse? I was threatened with the latter when I was sixteen years old. You read that right. I was psychologically forced through the wringer, then told I would be kicked out at sixteen if I said anything to anyone. More recently, I had to stand there the evening of December 21st and hear my own dad call me 'street person' to my face, and suggest I no longer deserved to sleep in a bed (he told me I was going to sleep in the garage). Making things worse, Mom's only response was to tell him I couldn't sleep in the garage because it was cold and stormy that night. No attitude of 'how could you say something like that to your own child'. That, coupled with my sister's hemming and hawing about letting me stay with her, cut that much deeper. And again, I know I'm far from the only one who has had to deal with circumstances like these, and others who have dealt with worse.
And that is the danger in privilege. It's the wool people pull over their eyes so they can deny problems around them. Justin is no exception. He uses his privilege as an excuse to look down on me for my purported 'issues', all the while refusing to deal with his own real issues. I don't care what justifications he spews, he has been deteriorating over the past several months. So many of us can see it, but he won't see it and refuses to do anything about it. All the while, he treats me progressively worse and worse, and I'm sick of it. I do what I can to help him out, and I get silence in return. I find talent jobs for him, support him as much as I can, and only really ask he do the same for me, but I get none of the same in return. I think of things that I know he wants to see or experience, and I work to include him, and again get none of the same in return.
I think what saddens me the most is I can't save him from his own privilege. I can only shake my head and watch him flounder and bury himself deeper. He's the only one who can save himself.
In this morning's bout of insomnia, I thought about how incredibly cheated I feel as I start finalizing my CSUN gear-up. I thought about how so many people get support from their families as they move to a new school, starting something this new and exciting, and I don't have that. My parents can't be bothered to give more than the most cursory care about things, no matter how positive they are for me, and I doubt my sister is much better in that regard. And you know what? I'm far from the only one who is in a boat like this, who has had to climb out of their own personal hell, and has the broken nails to prove we clawed our way out.
I honestly feel incredibly scarred by the psychological wounds I've had to carry. I've been belittled, had my sense of self chiseled at, threatened, called names...I really could go on and on. I've had to carry those secrets internally, because I was told that a) no one would believe me, and b) I would lose all security (roof over my head and so on) if I said anything. Making that anecdote worse? I was threatened with the latter when I was sixteen years old. You read that right. I was psychologically forced through the wringer, then told I would be kicked out at sixteen if I said anything to anyone. More recently, I had to stand there the evening of December 21st and hear my own dad call me 'street person' to my face, and suggest I no longer deserved to sleep in a bed (he told me I was going to sleep in the garage). Making things worse, Mom's only response was to tell him I couldn't sleep in the garage because it was cold and stormy that night. No attitude of 'how could you say something like that to your own child'. That, coupled with my sister's hemming and hawing about letting me stay with her, cut that much deeper. And again, I know I'm far from the only one who has had to deal with circumstances like these, and others who have dealt with worse.
And that is the danger in privilege. It's the wool people pull over their eyes so they can deny problems around them. Justin is no exception. He uses his privilege as an excuse to look down on me for my purported 'issues', all the while refusing to deal with his own real issues. I don't care what justifications he spews, he has been deteriorating over the past several months. So many of us can see it, but he won't see it and refuses to do anything about it. All the while, he treats me progressively worse and worse, and I'm sick of it. I do what I can to help him out, and I get silence in return. I find talent jobs for him, support him as much as I can, and only really ask he do the same for me, but I get none of the same in return. I think of things that I know he wants to see or experience, and I work to include him, and again get none of the same in return.
I think what saddens me the most is I can't save him from his own privilege. I can only shake my head and watch him flounder and bury himself deeper. He's the only one who can save himself.
Freewrite 8/19 1/2: Hope
As I sat trying to unsuccessfully clear my head enough to sleep, I started pondering things. Two in particular occurred to me.
The 22nd of this month is a pretty big milestone for this girl. My 8-month healing milestone. Yup, it will have been 8 months ago on the 22nd of this month that I was able to leave the toxic environment that I had been in for my entire life. I've never held any illusions that it would be easy, or fun, or any other little cutting mockeries that have been tossed at me; believe me, 'fun' is one of the last words I would use to describe the process. I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of, as well as just how strong I can be. Things can really only go up from here, and it's a ride I'm looking forward to taking.
The other? A topic for the next post. It warrants its own separate entry, believe me.
The 22nd of this month is a pretty big milestone for this girl. My 8-month healing milestone. Yup, it will have been 8 months ago on the 22nd of this month that I was able to leave the toxic environment that I had been in for my entire life. I've never held any illusions that it would be easy, or fun, or any other little cutting mockeries that have been tossed at me; believe me, 'fun' is one of the last words I would use to describe the process. I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of, as well as just how strong I can be. Things can really only go up from here, and it's a ride I'm looking forward to taking.
The other? A topic for the next post. It warrants its own separate entry, believe me.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Freewrite 8/2: Further cutting
Adding onto my prior posting about cutting Justin off...
Becky and I have been talking and hashing things out. And we're both done. Finished. Fed up with how he's treating us both. He still refuses to treat me with any sort of respect, refuses to act toward me like the friend he promised he would be, and he treats Becky as though she's a toy to him. When he's called on it, he answers with excuses and whining, but no action. And we're both tired of it. We're tired of his games, we're tired of his lacking respect...all of it.
So from here on out, she and I both are cutting him off. As with my own decision, if he actually gets his head out of his ass and starts treating us with decency and respect, then we'll consider letting him back into our lives. But this is getting us nowhere. And it hurts. It really hurts to watch him keep burying himself with no desire to change his circumstances. But we can't save him. I can't save him. He has to do the job himself, has to admit that he has major problems and needs help with them. Until he does, he'll just keep drowning in his own stagnation, always whining and making excuses about why he isn't a success. All the while, he'll blame other people for his own failings, never taking responsibility for his own actions.
And we're done. Done watching him drown himself with no struggle to free himself from his own problems. Maybe if he admits to his problems and works on bettering himself we'll be back. Until then, we aren't holding our collective breath.
Becky and I have been talking and hashing things out. And we're both done. Finished. Fed up with how he's treating us both. He still refuses to treat me with any sort of respect, refuses to act toward me like the friend he promised he would be, and he treats Becky as though she's a toy to him. When he's called on it, he answers with excuses and whining, but no action. And we're both tired of it. We're tired of his games, we're tired of his lacking respect...all of it.
So from here on out, she and I both are cutting him off. As with my own decision, if he actually gets his head out of his ass and starts treating us with decency and respect, then we'll consider letting him back into our lives. But this is getting us nowhere. And it hurts. It really hurts to watch him keep burying himself with no desire to change his circumstances. But we can't save him. I can't save him. He has to do the job himself, has to admit that he has major problems and needs help with them. Until he does, he'll just keep drowning in his own stagnation, always whining and making excuses about why he isn't a success. All the while, he'll blame other people for his own failings, never taking responsibility for his own actions.
And we're done. Done watching him drown himself with no struggle to free himself from his own problems. Maybe if he admits to his problems and works on bettering himself we'll be back. Until then, we aren't holding our collective breath.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Freewrite 7/25: Cut
In short, it's done. I hated to do it, but I had to. There really wasn't any better way to do it.
As I'd said in my last posting (and a fair few before that) Justin wasn't treating me with the respect I was promised. He always said he wouldn't abandon me, yet he essentially did just that. He stabbed me in the back, just as he backstabbed Vic and Jared. The worst part about it is that we all wanted to remain friends with him. We wanted him to succeed, wanted everything for him that a friend would want. But he is the only one who could do what was necessary, and he never really did.
I find all of this incredibly sad. I wanted him to succeed, wanted to support him in pursuing a goal that is extremely difficult to achieve. I know he can do it. But I also know my own emotional and mental state come first. He has repeatedly shown that he just doesn't care about anything that isn't related to him in some remote manner. He has shown that he can't even live up to his own words and promises, nor will he make any sort of attempt to do so. When he's called on it, he constantly tries to project blame onto the other party, claiming they're the ones with the issues, instead of being a man and owning up to his mistakes. I really could go on, but it would be redundant at kindest, so why bother rehashing them again?
Having been encouraged to by my good friends, I sent him a message officially cutting him off. I didn't do it to be hateful, or cruel, but so that he can get himself on track without bringing me down with him. I'll be starting at CSUN next month (already have my classes picked out! I'm excited!), and I can't let someone like him adversely affect my academic goals. I encouraged him to get the help that I know he knows he needs, even though he is averse to therapy. I also encouraged him to further his own acting potential by trying to go back and get an acting degree. I guess in spite of everything, I still want him to succeed and don't want him to flounder. Ball's in his court from here, lets see how he plays with it.
And who knows? If he can show me lasting courtesy and respect, if he can show he's actually improving, maybe he'll be back in my life again. Considering his track record to this point, I have to concur with my friend, Vic. He hasn't done so to this point, so chances are good he still won't follow through, he'll still want things done the 'easy' way. But I do still care for him, and all I can do is hope he actually does what he knows he must.
As I'd said in my last posting (and a fair few before that) Justin wasn't treating me with the respect I was promised. He always said he wouldn't abandon me, yet he essentially did just that. He stabbed me in the back, just as he backstabbed Vic and Jared. The worst part about it is that we all wanted to remain friends with him. We wanted him to succeed, wanted everything for him that a friend would want. But he is the only one who could do what was necessary, and he never really did.
I find all of this incredibly sad. I wanted him to succeed, wanted to support him in pursuing a goal that is extremely difficult to achieve. I know he can do it. But I also know my own emotional and mental state come first. He has repeatedly shown that he just doesn't care about anything that isn't related to him in some remote manner. He has shown that he can't even live up to his own words and promises, nor will he make any sort of attempt to do so. When he's called on it, he constantly tries to project blame onto the other party, claiming they're the ones with the issues, instead of being a man and owning up to his mistakes. I really could go on, but it would be redundant at kindest, so why bother rehashing them again?
Having been encouraged to by my good friends, I sent him a message officially cutting him off. I didn't do it to be hateful, or cruel, but so that he can get himself on track without bringing me down with him. I'll be starting at CSUN next month (already have my classes picked out! I'm excited!), and I can't let someone like him adversely affect my academic goals. I encouraged him to get the help that I know he knows he needs, even though he is averse to therapy. I also encouraged him to further his own acting potential by trying to go back and get an acting degree. I guess in spite of everything, I still want him to succeed and don't want him to flounder. Ball's in his court from here, lets see how he plays with it.
And who knows? If he can show me lasting courtesy and respect, if he can show he's actually improving, maybe he'll be back in my life again. Considering his track record to this point, I have to concur with my friend, Vic. He hasn't done so to this point, so chances are good he still won't follow through, he'll still want things done the 'easy' way. But I do still care for him, and all I can do is hope he actually does what he knows he must.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Freewrite 7/24: Excision
This has been a while coming. It's taken me a lot of thought, a lot of tears, a lot of everything these past few weeks. I really think a lot of this is what Vic went through a few months ago when she cut Justin out for good.
In short, he's getting exactly what he wants. He has shown just how much he hates me, just how much he wishes I weren't there, so I'm planning to no longer be there. He has shown no consideration for me, for my feelings, for anything pertaining to me that doesn't also jibe with his own selfish wants. He has been called out on his behavior several times, but he blows it off. I've watched him be lazy, waffle on his own wants and goals, and refuse to take any responsibility for his life and his choices.
I'm not saying 'good riddance' to him or anything of that sort. If I take this route, I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. But I can't focus on my future when he's being a horrible so-called 'friend'. He says he wants to be friends, but he makes it all about HIM and HIS schedules and HIS wants. He refuses to try to balance between his wants and needs and mine. Being friends is about compromise and balance between two parties, not stacked unnecessarily in favor of one party.
In short, if he really wants to have anything to do with me, then that's great and I'd be glad to have him as a part of my life when I'm entering a very exciting phase of it. Otherwise, I've come extremely close to wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. He won't change, he refuses to see that his actions are problematic, and I don't need that.
In short, he's getting exactly what he wants. He has shown just how much he hates me, just how much he wishes I weren't there, so I'm planning to no longer be there. He has shown no consideration for me, for my feelings, for anything pertaining to me that doesn't also jibe with his own selfish wants. He has been called out on his behavior several times, but he blows it off. I've watched him be lazy, waffle on his own wants and goals, and refuse to take any responsibility for his life and his choices.
I'm not saying 'good riddance' to him or anything of that sort. If I take this route, I take no pleasure in it whatsoever. But I can't focus on my future when he's being a horrible so-called 'friend'. He says he wants to be friends, but he makes it all about HIM and HIS schedules and HIS wants. He refuses to try to balance between his wants and needs and mine. Being friends is about compromise and balance between two parties, not stacked unnecessarily in favor of one party.
In short, if he really wants to have anything to do with me, then that's great and I'd be glad to have him as a part of my life when I'm entering a very exciting phase of it. Otherwise, I've come extremely close to wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. He won't change, he refuses to see that his actions are problematic, and I don't need that.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Freewrite 7/22: Secrets, Lies, and Manipulation
Okay, I've had enough of this. For all his whinging about my purported 'issues', Justin has far more than his own fair share of them. The worst part now is he tells Becky (in a manner that he seems to think is behind my back) that I'm manipulative. I kid you not. He essentially said that, because I grew up in a household where most of my needs were met, I can tend to want to manipulate things so I can get my way. (In case you hadn't already guessed, I'm still waiting for specific instances in which I've been manipulative any more than any other normal human being.) Becky confirmed to me that I'm as far from manipulative as anyone she might know, so I'm going to call BS on him.
His childish behavior is getting old very quickly. He wanted to remain friends, yet he continues to treat me like shit. He talks behind my back like a fucking high school student, but won't say anything to me directly about things. He whinges when he doesn't get his way, but won't let anyone else have their way from time to time. In short, he's an arrogant prick who really has little-to-no reason to be arrogant. It's all really pathetic.
I'll say it right here. The guy has far more issues than the petty few of mine he's so gleefully latched onto. His run much deeper and are more damaging to him than mine could ever be to me. I hate to play the tit-for-tat game, but once he actually makes an effort to help himself by getting the psychological help he needs, then I'll do the same for any of my own lingering troubles. The fact that he's too damn blind and arrogant to see what he's doing and how to fix himself leads me to have little confidence in that matter.
I guess in short, I'm tired. Tired of his arrogance, his attempts to degrade me, his insults, the backbiting he does in the hopes of winning sympathy from Becky (which he's losing based on how he's treating me)...I could go on. I'd hate to cut him out 150%, but he's starting to leave me no choice. I will say, once I start down that path, it won't be so easy to find me, nor will I be as sweet and gentle as I have been toward the person. I don't want to have to cut him off -especially since he swears he wants to remain friends- but why should I tolerate his shit when he throws a tantrum?
His delusions of grandeur and his manipulative arrogance really make me just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from him. But he still means a great deal to me, and right now I can't turn my back on him. Once he gets the help he so desperately needs, maybe things will be better. Until then, the arrogant prick (who is so different than he was when we first started dating) is running out of support from even me.
Speaking of manipulation, I'm just going to come out and say it. I feel as though I was lied to for an entire year. I feel like I can't trust anything Justin has told me, because he essentially lied to me for the year we were together. And that makes me so incredibly sad. He always treated me so well during the first year, now he's just an arrogant bastard. All the time she told me how he loved me, many of the ways he treated me...none of it makes sense. Jerk. What, am I supposed to be a porcelain doll with limited motion so he can mold me to his liking. I say 'Fuck. No."
Great, I need sleep.
His childish behavior is getting old very quickly. He wanted to remain friends, yet he continues to treat me like shit. He talks behind my back like a fucking high school student, but won't say anything to me directly about things. He whinges when he doesn't get his way, but won't let anyone else have their way from time to time. In short, he's an arrogant prick who really has little-to-no reason to be arrogant. It's all really pathetic.
I'll say it right here. The guy has far more issues than the petty few of mine he's so gleefully latched onto. His run much deeper and are more damaging to him than mine could ever be to me. I hate to play the tit-for-tat game, but once he actually makes an effort to help himself by getting the psychological help he needs, then I'll do the same for any of my own lingering troubles. The fact that he's too damn blind and arrogant to see what he's doing and how to fix himself leads me to have little confidence in that matter.
I guess in short, I'm tired. Tired of his arrogance, his attempts to degrade me, his insults, the backbiting he does in the hopes of winning sympathy from Becky (which he's losing based on how he's treating me)...I could go on. I'd hate to cut him out 150%, but he's starting to leave me no choice. I will say, once I start down that path, it won't be so easy to find me, nor will I be as sweet and gentle as I have been toward the person. I don't want to have to cut him off -especially since he swears he wants to remain friends- but why should I tolerate his shit when he throws a tantrum?
His delusions of grandeur and his manipulative arrogance really make me just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from him. But he still means a great deal to me, and right now I can't turn my back on him. Once he gets the help he so desperately needs, maybe things will be better. Until then, the arrogant prick (who is so different than he was when we first started dating) is running out of support from even me.
Speaking of manipulation, I'm just going to come out and say it. I feel as though I was lied to for an entire year. I feel like I can't trust anything Justin has told me, because he essentially lied to me for the year we were together. And that makes me so incredibly sad. He always treated me so well during the first year, now he's just an arrogant bastard. All the time she told me how he loved me, many of the ways he treated me...none of it makes sense. Jerk. What, am I supposed to be a porcelain doll with limited motion so he can mold me to his liking. I say 'Fuck. No."
Great, I need sleep.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Freewrite 7/13: Edge
So things have been...interesting, to say the least. But Becky and I are on the same page here.
We both wanted to be friends with Justin. But now, after she and I have been talking extensively, we're in agreement. He has been incredibly disrespectful toward both of us recently, and he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. In short, he acts as though we're here to fulfill his needs, without his feeling he has to do the same for us. Last time I checked, we girls aren't objects. We're individuals with emotions and needs of our own, and we're sick of the lack of respect he regards us with.
He tells me that I'm 'irrational', that I have 'issues'. He does anything in his power to hurt me, then pawns me off on Becky while telling her that I'm 'her problem' because we're best friends. He even once told her (quoted practically verbatim) that he 'hates to play this card, but she's your friend', never mind that I was supposed to be his friend as well. He refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior, acting instead as though he's totally innocent. He says he resents me for my 'issues', but refuses to give me the time I need to find the security I need in order to keep them from becoming troublesome. (I've mentioned in this space before that my past traumas and other issues are exacerbated by a lack of security. Once I'm going 150% in the right direction, they won't affect me quite as much.) He wouldn't even be supportive when I needed a friendly ear for a few minutes after my last chitchat with Mom. Even though he's been told not to do it, he continues to try hitting on Becky, even when I'm right there in his company. When called on it, he shrugs it off and says he doesn't care, since I'm 'no longer his problem'. He shows bare bits of emotion to me when he really wants something, but he refuses to be there for me in any capacity that would resemble the 'friendship' he told me he wanted. To make things that much worse (and more insulting), he insists up one side and down the other that he remains on 'good terms' with all of his ex-girlfriends. If that really is the case, then why is he treating me like shit? Does he really care that little, or is he just lying through his teeth so he's not painted as the 'bad guy' in all of this? Last time I checked, I didn't lose my right to courtesy the moment he threw his little tantrums and insisted he was 'done'.
As for Becky, he pretty much treats her as though she's some sort of prize to be caught (as per my prior remark about his hitting on her). He doesn't act as though she has any other feelings beyond that, or that she should receive anything other than cursory attention. She's been sidelined for a few days now with a sprained ankle, and he's barely even acknowledged it, let alone told her he hopes it gets better soon or some other jazz. All of his actions make her essentially feel used, which she appreciates (as in abhors) because they dredge up all sorts of painful memories for her.
So in short Justin, thanks for being a selfish douchebag. Thanks for alienating two people who truly care about you and don't want to cut you out of their lives completely. I literally am about thisclose to cutting him 100% out of my life and never so much as letting him breathe on me again, and I'm pretty sure Becky feels the same way. He is a selfish, disrespectful asshole who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior, and we refuse to be the subjects of his disrespect. We are NOT his playthings to be used and tossed out on a whim, we deserve all the courtesy and respect in the world, simply because we're human beings. If he wants those, he needs to buy himself a few more Megatron figures for his collection. But he has NO right to treat us like garbage, and honestly, we won't even consider keeping up any sort of relationship with him (asides from an EXTREMELY cursory one at Faire/Guild events) if he won't grow the fuck up and realize that.
We both wanted to be friends with Justin. But now, after she and I have been talking extensively, we're in agreement. He has been incredibly disrespectful toward both of us recently, and he refuses to man up and take responsibility for his actions. In short, he acts as though we're here to fulfill his needs, without his feeling he has to do the same for us. Last time I checked, we girls aren't objects. We're individuals with emotions and needs of our own, and we're sick of the lack of respect he regards us with.
He tells me that I'm 'irrational', that I have 'issues'. He does anything in his power to hurt me, then pawns me off on Becky while telling her that I'm 'her problem' because we're best friends. He even once told her (quoted practically verbatim) that he 'hates to play this card, but she's your friend', never mind that I was supposed to be his friend as well. He refuses to take responsibility for his own behavior, acting instead as though he's totally innocent. He says he resents me for my 'issues', but refuses to give me the time I need to find the security I need in order to keep them from becoming troublesome. (I've mentioned in this space before that my past traumas and other issues are exacerbated by a lack of security. Once I'm going 150% in the right direction, they won't affect me quite as much.) He wouldn't even be supportive when I needed a friendly ear for a few minutes after my last chitchat with Mom. Even though he's been told not to do it, he continues to try hitting on Becky, even when I'm right there in his company. When called on it, he shrugs it off and says he doesn't care, since I'm 'no longer his problem'. He shows bare bits of emotion to me when he really wants something, but he refuses to be there for me in any capacity that would resemble the 'friendship' he told me he wanted. To make things that much worse (and more insulting), he insists up one side and down the other that he remains on 'good terms' with all of his ex-girlfriends. If that really is the case, then why is he treating me like shit? Does he really care that little, or is he just lying through his teeth so he's not painted as the 'bad guy' in all of this? Last time I checked, I didn't lose my right to courtesy the moment he threw his little tantrums and insisted he was 'done'.
As for Becky, he pretty much treats her as though she's some sort of prize to be caught (as per my prior remark about his hitting on her). He doesn't act as though she has any other feelings beyond that, or that she should receive anything other than cursory attention. She's been sidelined for a few days now with a sprained ankle, and he's barely even acknowledged it, let alone told her he hopes it gets better soon or some other jazz. All of his actions make her essentially feel used, which she appreciates (as in abhors) because they dredge up all sorts of painful memories for her.
So in short Justin, thanks for being a selfish douchebag. Thanks for alienating two people who truly care about you and don't want to cut you out of their lives completely. I literally am about thisclose to cutting him 100% out of my life and never so much as letting him breathe on me again, and I'm pretty sure Becky feels the same way. He is a selfish, disrespectful asshole who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior, and we refuse to be the subjects of his disrespect. We are NOT his playthings to be used and tossed out on a whim, we deserve all the courtesy and respect in the world, simply because we're human beings. If he wants those, he needs to buy himself a few more Megatron figures for his collection. But he has NO right to treat us like garbage, and honestly, we won't even consider keeping up any sort of relationship with him (asides from an EXTREMELY cursory one at Faire/Guild events) if he won't grow the fuck up and realize that.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Freewrite 7/10: One Last Nail
I think it's official. In some ways, it hurts a little to have to say all of this, but I feel like it needs saying. I feel like I need to say it in order to move forward, in a way.
I decided to talk to my mother. Might not have been the greatest idea, but I wanted to tell her about my plans for CSUN and other updates on my life. While I wasn't expecting her to be gushing and happy for me, it would have been nice to hear some kind of support from her. The result? The verbal equivalent of a shrug and a 'that's fine'. That was the limit of my support from her, even after telling her about financial aid and everything else I was doing to make it. For someone who always valued an education, she really didn't seem to like what I was doing in terms of my education.
I don't want to give up on all of this, but at the same time I don't know what to do emotion-wise. It hurts more than I can say to have so very little support from her over something so important. All I can really do is hang onto the people who are currently the closest to me and get through this.
What makes this suck even more is how it makes me second-guess if I even want to go back to San Diego to visit at all. Faire is different, but I'd thought about going back and seeing them. Now, I feel like I just got cut off from a big part of my life that I loved, and I resent it.
I decided to talk to my mother. Might not have been the greatest idea, but I wanted to tell her about my plans for CSUN and other updates on my life. While I wasn't expecting her to be gushing and happy for me, it would have been nice to hear some kind of support from her. The result? The verbal equivalent of a shrug and a 'that's fine'. That was the limit of my support from her, even after telling her about financial aid and everything else I was doing to make it. For someone who always valued an education, she really didn't seem to like what I was doing in terms of my education.
I don't want to give up on all of this, but at the same time I don't know what to do emotion-wise. It hurts more than I can say to have so very little support from her over something so important. All I can really do is hang onto the people who are currently the closest to me and get through this.
What makes this suck even more is how it makes me second-guess if I even want to go back to San Diego to visit at all. Faire is different, but I'd thought about going back and seeing them. Now, I feel like I just got cut off from a big part of my life that I loved, and I resent it.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Freewrite 7/5: Consideration and Courtesy
Y'know, the last time I checked I didn't turn in my 'right to be treated with respect' card.
And yet it seems Justin refuses to get that. He was spouting off at me about how he didn't want to have to deal with my 'traumas' and my 'issues', and how that was keeping him from being truly considerate of me.
Fuck. That. Noise.
No, seriously, fuck it. That is such utter garbage. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated like a human being. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated with the respect and courtesy that I deserve. Do I have traumas to face and issues to deal with? Sure, who doesn't? Even he has issues and troubles he has to confront.
See, here's the thing. And I've tried to explain this to Justin, but he refuses to see it. The majority of the 'trauma' I deal with is security-based in nature. I literally had days when I would be afraid to say something that might be taken as out of line, lest I be told to leave. And don't get me into a lot of the physical threats, both promised and carried out, that I had to live with. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it happened. It happened enough to erode my security, my trust in others, and everything else emotionally that mattered to me. More recently, my current landlord and his douchebag behavior aren't helping, and while I do have a place to go, the extra stress dealing with him has been causing certainly hasn't helped. Also not helping? Justin sitting up on his high horse condescendingly telling me how my 'issues' affect him to where he resents me. Asshole.
Also, Justin is hardly innocent of having issues and faults of his own. There have been times when I've gotten upset to the point of crying when I don't know what's going on with him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, yet between his OCD and his other faults he can make it next to impossible.
So here and now, I'm going to say what I plan to do from here. I'm much stronger than I was 6-7 months ago, but now it's time to work on galvanizing myself, as it were. No more focusing on my purported 'issues' and 'traumas', and certainly no more sharing them with that idiot. Any work that might need to be done (which really there isn't all that much at this point. Just some fine tuning) will be done on my own, with little to no word to him unless utterly necessary. Let's see how things go from here. I think it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
And yet it seems Justin refuses to get that. He was spouting off at me about how he didn't want to have to deal with my 'traumas' and my 'issues', and how that was keeping him from being truly considerate of me.
Fuck. That. Noise.
No, seriously, fuck it. That is such utter garbage. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated like a human being. I have NEVER rescinded my right to be treated with the respect and courtesy that I deserve. Do I have traumas to face and issues to deal with? Sure, who doesn't? Even he has issues and troubles he has to confront.
See, here's the thing. And I've tried to explain this to Justin, but he refuses to see it. The majority of the 'trauma' I deal with is security-based in nature. I literally had days when I would be afraid to say something that might be taken as out of line, lest I be told to leave. And don't get me into a lot of the physical threats, both promised and carried out, that I had to live with. It wasn't an everyday thing, but it happened. It happened enough to erode my security, my trust in others, and everything else emotionally that mattered to me. More recently, my current landlord and his douchebag behavior aren't helping, and while I do have a place to go, the extra stress dealing with him has been causing certainly hasn't helped. Also not helping? Justin sitting up on his high horse condescendingly telling me how my 'issues' affect him to where he resents me. Asshole.
Also, Justin is hardly innocent of having issues and faults of his own. There have been times when I've gotten upset to the point of crying when I don't know what's going on with him. All I ever wanted was to make him happy, yet between his OCD and his other faults he can make it next to impossible.
So here and now, I'm going to say what I plan to do from here. I'm much stronger than I was 6-7 months ago, but now it's time to work on galvanizing myself, as it were. No more focusing on my purported 'issues' and 'traumas', and certainly no more sharing them with that idiot. Any work that might need to be done (which really there isn't all that much at this point. Just some fine tuning) will be done on my own, with little to no word to him unless utterly necessary. Let's see how things go from here. I think it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Freewrite 6/29: Respect (or the lack thereof)
I'm just going to come right out and ask this.
Who the HELL does he think he is?
I'm serious. For someone who wants to remain friends, he's being an asshole. There, I'm calling him out right here and now. He is being a disrespectful asshole and I refuse to sit quietly and take it. I was forgiving before, I'm not being as forgiving now. He told me to my face that he wanted to remain friends. I am fine with that, since he and I have become rather close since first meeting. But his recent behavior has shown what a fucking LIAR he is. He has done nothing but lie through his damn teeth about the whole 'friends' thing, and I'm not dealing with it anymore.
He is completely disrespectful of any wishes I might have, no matter how small. I've asked him numerous times to talk with me about what we each expect from things, and each time I get silence. He won't agree, he won't disagree, he just ignores me as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. He won't tell me he'd prefer doing things with others, he just ignores me, again as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. I know he's got a lot on his plate with moving and all, but he still ignores me like I'm fucking garbage. The least he could do is let me know something, even if just 'hey, I'm busy right now. Can we talk about it later?'. But apparently, I'm not even worth that in his mind.
Do I really want to be friends with a lying, disrespectful prat like him? Do I want to put myself through the whole deal with trying to remain friendly while he treats me like shit? I am so sick of this. The guy CLEARLY has no fucking clue how to treat friends, and I've just about had it. I've had it with being ignored, with being blown off, with his acting like I'm a fucking nuisance. Trust me, I'm about thisclose to cutting him off for good. All it would take is him giving me one more reason, and that's it. I'm through being nice simply because he's a so-called 'nice guy'. I refuse to stomach it any further.
Who the HELL does he think he is?
I'm serious. For someone who wants to remain friends, he's being an asshole. There, I'm calling him out right here and now. He is being a disrespectful asshole and I refuse to sit quietly and take it. I was forgiving before, I'm not being as forgiving now. He told me to my face that he wanted to remain friends. I am fine with that, since he and I have become rather close since first meeting. But his recent behavior has shown what a fucking LIAR he is. He has done nothing but lie through his damn teeth about the whole 'friends' thing, and I'm not dealing with it anymore.
He is completely disrespectful of any wishes I might have, no matter how small. I've asked him numerous times to talk with me about what we each expect from things, and each time I get silence. He won't agree, he won't disagree, he just ignores me as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. He won't tell me he'd prefer doing things with others, he just ignores me, again as though he hopes I'll shut up and go away. I know he's got a lot on his plate with moving and all, but he still ignores me like I'm fucking garbage. The least he could do is let me know something, even if just 'hey, I'm busy right now. Can we talk about it later?'. But apparently, I'm not even worth that in his mind.
Do I really want to be friends with a lying, disrespectful prat like him? Do I want to put myself through the whole deal with trying to remain friendly while he treats me like shit? I am so sick of this. The guy CLEARLY has no fucking clue how to treat friends, and I've just about had it. I've had it with being ignored, with being blown off, with his acting like I'm a fucking nuisance. Trust me, I'm about thisclose to cutting him off for good. All it would take is him giving me one more reason, and that's it. I'm through being nice simply because he's a so-called 'nice guy'. I refuse to stomach it any further.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Freewrite 6/28: Back and Forth
I think the title says it all. Emotionally, I'm going back and forth. A lot. And if you know me well enough, you know I hate the feeling. I like my emotions to be at least manageable, if not even and somewhat controllable. It isn't simply my emotions, of course, but right now that's the big thing.
There are times when I want to just sit him down and yell at him. I want to ask why he would hurt me as deeply and as badly as he did, why he kept treating me like garbage, why he would choose such an asinine, cowardly approach to try and make me leave (since 'being nice wasn't working'), but I know it won't get me anywhere. He refuses to take the time to give me the answers I need. Sure, he's given me some, but it feels like I only have more questions.
I want to be near him, but part of me is disgusted at the thought of him (or anyone) even so much as breathing on me. I want to trust him, but at the same time he aggravated the trust issues I already have. I want to be friends, yet given his drama queen tendencies I'd just as soon he stay as far away from me as possible.
I think the hardest thing for me is feeling like a chunk of the support I had from him has been eroded. Part of why I've been working so hard to stay on my own was so he and I could grow as people, as well as growing as a couple. I've always believed that a couple should see the less-than-positive along with the positive so each member can grow as an individual, and in so doing the pairing can grow stronger. (As you can tell, I don't really believe in the same ol' same ol'. That gets stale really fast.) I also wasn't looking at marriage or any sort of serious commitment at this point. At some point down the road, when I'm ready? Sure. But all I wanted now was to get to know him better, spend time with him, and in the process better establish myself. But now, I feel as though there's a bit less of a reason for me to keep trying. He wants as little to do with me as possible (he's even said as much), which also cuts me off from some of the support his family was providing me. So I'm left feeling like I've just lost the equivalent of two family units in six months.
In talking with my aunt yesterday, she suggested I try reconciling with Mom and moving back to San Diego for a time, if not back with my parents then with my sister and brother-in-law. And honestly? That's becoming more and more tempting as time goes on. Only the fact that I have limited education options if I go back down there keeps me from actually doing so. I'm putting a lot of hope into getting into Northridge, and most of me wants to stay up here even if those hopes are delayed a few months. And yet, why should I stay if it feels like I have so little support?
In the end, I still don't know...and what makes it worse is that I may never know.
There are times when I want to just sit him down and yell at him. I want to ask why he would hurt me as deeply and as badly as he did, why he kept treating me like garbage, why he would choose such an asinine, cowardly approach to try and make me leave (since 'being nice wasn't working'), but I know it won't get me anywhere. He refuses to take the time to give me the answers I need. Sure, he's given me some, but it feels like I only have more questions.
I want to be near him, but part of me is disgusted at the thought of him (or anyone) even so much as breathing on me. I want to trust him, but at the same time he aggravated the trust issues I already have. I want to be friends, yet given his drama queen tendencies I'd just as soon he stay as far away from me as possible.
I think the hardest thing for me is feeling like a chunk of the support I had from him has been eroded. Part of why I've been working so hard to stay on my own was so he and I could grow as people, as well as growing as a couple. I've always believed that a couple should see the less-than-positive along with the positive so each member can grow as an individual, and in so doing the pairing can grow stronger. (As you can tell, I don't really believe in the same ol' same ol'. That gets stale really fast.) I also wasn't looking at marriage or any sort of serious commitment at this point. At some point down the road, when I'm ready? Sure. But all I wanted now was to get to know him better, spend time with him, and in the process better establish myself. But now, I feel as though there's a bit less of a reason for me to keep trying. He wants as little to do with me as possible (he's even said as much), which also cuts me off from some of the support his family was providing me. So I'm left feeling like I've just lost the equivalent of two family units in six months.
In talking with my aunt yesterday, she suggested I try reconciling with Mom and moving back to San Diego for a time, if not back with my parents then with my sister and brother-in-law. And honestly? That's becoming more and more tempting as time goes on. Only the fact that I have limited education options if I go back down there keeps me from actually doing so. I'm putting a lot of hope into getting into Northridge, and most of me wants to stay up here even if those hopes are delayed a few months. And yet, why should I stay if it feels like I have so little support?
In the end, I still don't know...and what makes it worse is that I may never know.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Freewrite 6/27: Unplugging
In short, I feel like I need to withdraw for a while. I feel like I'm pretty well depleted emotionally and mentally right now. Right now, there's little I want more than to curl up somewhere and recharge. Minimal socializing, minimal of anything that would be hyper-taxing on me. Just rest and recharge.
I felt it big time at the end of the Faire day yesterday. Ever hit that wall where you think 'okay, I'm done'? I did. It wasn't anything anyone did or said, I just hit that wall. It hasn't helped that I've had to be both a rock and in need of one these past few weeks. The thought of having to keep on like this literally makes me tear up. I can't do it anymore. I can't function like this anymore.
So, I guess it's time to withdraw for a spell. I'll still be nearby if I'm needed, I'll still be supportive, and I'll still be doing Faire (and Guild meetings) and related things. I might even still be up to spending time with friends here and there. But I can't be there the way I have been for people. I may not be showing it, but I feel like I'm literally falling apart.
I felt it big time at the end of the Faire day yesterday. Ever hit that wall where you think 'okay, I'm done'? I did. It wasn't anything anyone did or said, I just hit that wall. It hasn't helped that I've had to be both a rock and in need of one these past few weeks. The thought of having to keep on like this literally makes me tear up. I can't do it anymore. I can't function like this anymore.
So, I guess it's time to withdraw for a spell. I'll still be nearby if I'm needed, I'll still be supportive, and I'll still be doing Faire (and Guild meetings) and related things. I might even still be up to spending time with friends here and there. But I can't be there the way I have been for people. I may not be showing it, but I feel like I'm literally falling apart.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Of Two Minds
In case you couldn't already gather, I've been back, forth, and sideways about how I feel towards Justin. I figure writing a few things down couldn't hurt.
Here's my thing, I'm of two separate minds about continuing to see him in any capacity whatsoever. Through most of this, he has been a shallow, selfish individual who has treated me like garbage. He throws fits when he doesn't get his way, talks down to me for whatever reason, and seems to thin talking is for 'weaklings', judging by how it's been like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything at times. And honestly? There's a part of me that feels like being friends with him is equivalent to giving tacit approval of those actions. Y'know, like it tells him that it's okay that he treated me like shit, I'll be around for more. I condoned it for too long. I let him treat me like garbage for way too long, and he needs to answer for that. The cynic in me doubts he'll ever do so, in which case I don't need him in my life.
I am seriously tempted to take a page out of my friend Becky's book. When she learned her godfather helped her ex to keep his leaving a secret from her, she SCREAMED at her godfather over the phone for about two hours, asking him how he could betray her so horribly. She hates what he did, but she can still forgive. I'm kind of in that mindset, at least part of me is. Part of me wants to confront him and rip into him for everything. It wants to ask how he could justify treating me so horribly, how he could hurt me (even as he proclaimed he didn't mean to be hurtful), how he could do any of the shit that he did to me. Yet, I know what he does when he's confronted on things. He doesn't make eye contact, he acts distracted...anything to avoid facing up to what he's done. Sad, really.
I doubt I'd ever have the heart to rip into him the way I wish I could. I'm too soft for that. If nothing else, I would like to talk with him directly about things (as opposed to over chat or the phone). Maybe either take a walk and talk about them, or do so right before going to sleep, or something. I won't hold my breath that it'll ever happen, but it would be nice since he has said he wants to remain friends. Otherwise, how can I remain friends with someone who treated me so badly, then claimed he didn't want to be hurtful?
Here's my thing, I'm of two separate minds about continuing to see him in any capacity whatsoever. Through most of this, he has been a shallow, selfish individual who has treated me like garbage. He throws fits when he doesn't get his way, talks down to me for whatever reason, and seems to thin talking is for 'weaklings', judging by how it's been like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything at times. And honestly? There's a part of me that feels like being friends with him is equivalent to giving tacit approval of those actions. Y'know, like it tells him that it's okay that he treated me like shit, I'll be around for more. I condoned it for too long. I let him treat me like garbage for way too long, and he needs to answer for that. The cynic in me doubts he'll ever do so, in which case I don't need him in my life.
I am seriously tempted to take a page out of my friend Becky's book. When she learned her godfather helped her ex to keep his leaving a secret from her, she SCREAMED at her godfather over the phone for about two hours, asking him how he could betray her so horribly. She hates what he did, but she can still forgive. I'm kind of in that mindset, at least part of me is. Part of me wants to confront him and rip into him for everything. It wants to ask how he could justify treating me so horribly, how he could hurt me (even as he proclaimed he didn't mean to be hurtful), how he could do any of the shit that he did to me. Yet, I know what he does when he's confronted on things. He doesn't make eye contact, he acts distracted...anything to avoid facing up to what he's done. Sad, really.
I doubt I'd ever have the heart to rip into him the way I wish I could. I'm too soft for that. If nothing else, I would like to talk with him directly about things (as opposed to over chat or the phone). Maybe either take a walk and talk about them, or do so right before going to sleep, or something. I won't hold my breath that it'll ever happen, but it would be nice since he has said he wants to remain friends. Otherwise, how can I remain friends with someone who treated me so badly, then claimed he didn't want to be hurtful?
Freewrite 6/24: Hurt
I feel like I've failed in some ways in all of this.
I go into relationships to work with the other person so we both can be happy. Obviously, I was happy with Justin. I loved his company, wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to do things with him...anything I could to keep getting to know who he was. But I couldn't make him happy. As hard as I might try, as much effort as I kept trying to put in, I couldn't do it. I kept trying, but it wasn't enough. I gave what I could, but it wasn't enough. I love him, even as I feel like I completely failed, like I can't do anything right.
Sometimes I wonder if Mom's snide little comment about being unwanted is more accurate than I'll let myself admit. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be happy....
I go into relationships to work with the other person so we both can be happy. Obviously, I was happy with Justin. I loved his company, wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to do things with him...anything I could to keep getting to know who he was. But I couldn't make him happy. As hard as I might try, as much effort as I kept trying to put in, I couldn't do it. I kept trying, but it wasn't enough. I gave what I could, but it wasn't enough. I love him, even as I feel like I completely failed, like I can't do anything right.
Sometimes I wonder if Mom's snide little comment about being unwanted is more accurate than I'll let myself admit. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be happy....
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Freewrite 6/22: Hydra
I'll start off by saying I'm feeling much calmer than I have been over the past few days. I still hurt here and there, but it isn't quite as bad as it had been. I think the angry, raw edges are finally cooling off somewhat, as it were. It doesn't mean what I've already said doesn't still stand, but I don't feel the same seething blend of emotion that I'd felt.
The majority of it has to do with him. He's actually giving me answers, instead of ignoring me or being evasive. He's apologizing for being hurtful, acknowledging I have a reason to be hurt. I have friends who say to tread lightly given his 'drama queen' actions in the past, so I'm remaining cautious yet optimistic. In short, he is doing what I always wished my ex would have done after sending that breakup letter. He's actually trying to be there, trying to help however he can. (Case in point: He sent me a text this morning wishing me a Happy Anniversary even though he figured it was a moot point. I admit it stung a tiny bit, but it also did cheer me up some, and I thanked him for it.)
Still, it feels like for every question I have answered, two more pop up in its place. The infuriating part for me is that those two questions are often so nebulous that I can't even quantify them well enough to ask. So I sit there feeling like I have all these things to ask, but not knowing the way to ask them. For someone like me, it's not a very enjoyable feeling. Ick.
Anyway, I digress...
Here's something that puzzles me slightly. So he keeps saying he never intended to be hurtful, he didn't want to hurt me, and various other permutations of that thought. And yet, he knew he was hurting me every time he threw one of his 'I want out! I don't feel the same way I did!' fits. He said he didn't want to be nice so I wouldn't keep hanging onto him, yet his being a jerk toward me really hurt me. I can't hate him of all people, yet his logic quirks make my eyes cross slightly. I mean, you would think that one would realize being a jerk would be quite hurtful to someone, and you'd try a different tack. Meh, I do think about things in different ways than other people, I could be missing something here.
The other thing that still slightly puzzles me is redefining the two of us and what we can do together. He wants to be friends (with a 'MAYBE we can get back together in the future, but don't plan toward that' bend to it), and I don't have an issue pulling back. However, what makes me a bit nervous is that he doesn't seem to want to do things with me, even as friends. I mention them in the phrasing of 'casual date/outing' (like he and I did a few times before we became a couple) and he's really resistant to the idea. Here's my thing. I love to do things with other people if I feel close enough to them. I'm fine alone, yet I enjoy and appreciate being with others. I love sharing time and experiences with friends, and he's certainly no exception. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a 'date', it could easily be, say, sharing a few minutes during a day at Faire, or talking together after a Guild meeting, or seeing a movie together after a meeting or for the hell of it. No strings, no expectations, just sharing each others' company while we're both working on ourselves. I miss that more than anything.
I guess we shall see.
The majority of it has to do with him. He's actually giving me answers, instead of ignoring me or being evasive. He's apologizing for being hurtful, acknowledging I have a reason to be hurt. I have friends who say to tread lightly given his 'drama queen' actions in the past, so I'm remaining cautious yet optimistic. In short, he is doing what I always wished my ex would have done after sending that breakup letter. He's actually trying to be there, trying to help however he can. (Case in point: He sent me a text this morning wishing me a Happy Anniversary even though he figured it was a moot point. I admit it stung a tiny bit, but it also did cheer me up some, and I thanked him for it.)
Still, it feels like for every question I have answered, two more pop up in its place. The infuriating part for me is that those two questions are often so nebulous that I can't even quantify them well enough to ask. So I sit there feeling like I have all these things to ask, but not knowing the way to ask them. For someone like me, it's not a very enjoyable feeling. Ick.
Anyway, I digress...
Here's something that puzzles me slightly. So he keeps saying he never intended to be hurtful, he didn't want to hurt me, and various other permutations of that thought. And yet, he knew he was hurting me every time he threw one of his 'I want out! I don't feel the same way I did!' fits. He said he didn't want to be nice so I wouldn't keep hanging onto him, yet his being a jerk toward me really hurt me. I can't hate him of all people, yet his logic quirks make my eyes cross slightly. I mean, you would think that one would realize being a jerk would be quite hurtful to someone, and you'd try a different tack. Meh, I do think about things in different ways than other people, I could be missing something here.
The other thing that still slightly puzzles me is redefining the two of us and what we can do together. He wants to be friends (with a 'MAYBE we can get back together in the future, but don't plan toward that' bend to it), and I don't have an issue pulling back. However, what makes me a bit nervous is that he doesn't seem to want to do things with me, even as friends. I mention them in the phrasing of 'casual date/outing' (like he and I did a few times before we became a couple) and he's really resistant to the idea. Here's my thing. I love to do things with other people if I feel close enough to them. I'm fine alone, yet I enjoy and appreciate being with others. I love sharing time and experiences with friends, and he's certainly no exception. It wouldn't even necessarily have to be a 'date', it could easily be, say, sharing a few minutes during a day at Faire, or talking together after a Guild meeting, or seeing a movie together after a meeting or for the hell of it. No strings, no expectations, just sharing each others' company while we're both working on ourselves. I miss that more than anything.
I guess we shall see.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Freewrite 6/21: Wind Down (AKA: What he needs)
Tomorrow would have been our anniversary. The guy didn't even want to make the effort to last an entire year; he petered out pretty much at the last minute (and just before FAIRE, when he and I often would do things together). Believe me when I say that this hurts more than words could ever fully quantify. That he would take an event (Faire) and a milestone (a one-year anniversary) and totally disregard both of them when he knows their meaning to me shows what a true jackass he is.
But then, why am I surprised? This is a guy who really hasn't got a clue. He's already lost a number of friends due to his behavior, and I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I want to remain friends with him. I may not be perfect myself (in fact, I know I'm not), but I do know where he can work on things.
~He needs to grow up and STOP WHINING. Seriously, this is the number-one thing I hear from people about him. He whines when he doesn't get his way, he whines when he gets his way because 'things aren't how he expected them to be' or somesuch, then he whines when things change because he's 'OMG, so lonely/busy/life sucks/whatever'. Really? Seriously? Man up and talk like a reasonable person, and maybe people won't think you're an annoying git. He also needs to stop with the 'Waaaaahhh! Things aren't going my way so I'll throw a pseudo-angry fit!' that he's lobbed at me a few times. I didn't cave when my Dad threw fits like that, so I won't cave when anyone else does either.
~He needs to STOP with the condescending talk about things which he has NO FUCKING CLUE. He seriously told me that 5-6 months is 'plenty of time' to be over the issues I dealt with back in San Diego. I'd love to introduce him to people whom I have met who have NEVER gotten over the trauma their parent(s) inflicted on them. Honestly, he is the son of a Psychiatrist! You would think he would have at least a cursory understanding of trauma and healing when it comes to mental health issues. But no. He would speak down to me about them, then tell me I'm 'overreacting' and that I need to read his Dad's book. Pfffft, like a book has all the answers for every single situation and nuance that comes up. Um, how about 'I read it, it has some good information, but it's not a cure-all, so fuck you'?
Example from Sunday: He knows damn well that I still have issues with my mother. Yet, he STILL chose to use an analogy that triggered me when it comes to her. He told me about how a 'mother bird has to kick the baby bird out of the nest'. Yeah, I already had that happen...and it was something I would NEVER wish on anyone else. Needless to say, he got a very loud earful on that one.
In short, he needs to know when to offer advice to others and when to just shut up. He's hardly an expert, his experience/knowledge is NOT one size fits all, and he needs to learn and understand that.
(On a side-note in terms of the whole 'family' thing, it seems like he superficially understands how painful things are for me, but because his own family is so loving and supportive, he can't allow himself to fully relate. Yet another reason he should shut up and learn from other people and their experiences.)
~He needs to learn to keep his ego in check, to stop making himself the center of attention, and to actually talk to people and treat them properly. It often feels like he doesn't want a girlfriend more than he wants a 'See? I'm not gay!' piece of arm candy who won't give him any trouble. That way, he doesn't have to change, to learn to properly communicate, to do anything that might upset his worldview. There were a lot of times when he and I would argue that it felt like I could have helped head off trouble had he merely communicated things better to me, or apologized when/if there was a misunderstanding. I've told him he needs to learn to balance between him and the other person during interactions, but he still refuses to get it. And that will hold him back personally and professionally in more ways than anyone could count.
I could go on, but I'll leave it here for now.
In the end, I don't know. I feel like I'm picking on him, picking him apart, whatever you want to call it, but I feel like it has to be said. I'm still friends with one friend of his who had cut him off, and she said she's still waiting for him to actually start growing up before she'll even consider letting him back into her life. And the only reason her boyfriend hasn't cut him off is similar to my own reasoning; all we're doing is seeing just how badly he can disappoint us before we leave. And really, if those of us who really care about him leave, what does that leave him with?
But then, why am I surprised? This is a guy who really hasn't got a clue. He's already lost a number of friends due to his behavior, and I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I want to remain friends with him. I may not be perfect myself (in fact, I know I'm not), but I do know where he can work on things.
~He needs to grow up and STOP WHINING. Seriously, this is the number-one thing I hear from people about him. He whines when he doesn't get his way, he whines when he gets his way because 'things aren't how he expected them to be' or somesuch, then he whines when things change because he's 'OMG, so lonely/busy/life sucks/whatever'. Really? Seriously? Man up and talk like a reasonable person, and maybe people won't think you're an annoying git. He also needs to stop with the 'Waaaaahhh! Things aren't going my way so I'll throw a pseudo-angry fit!' that he's lobbed at me a few times. I didn't cave when my Dad threw fits like that, so I won't cave when anyone else does either.
~He needs to STOP with the condescending talk about things which he has NO FUCKING CLUE. He seriously told me that 5-6 months is 'plenty of time' to be over the issues I dealt with back in San Diego. I'd love to introduce him to people whom I have met who have NEVER gotten over the trauma their parent(s) inflicted on them. Honestly, he is the son of a Psychiatrist! You would think he would have at least a cursory understanding of trauma and healing when it comes to mental health issues. But no. He would speak down to me about them, then tell me I'm 'overreacting' and that I need to read his Dad's book. Pfffft, like a book has all the answers for every single situation and nuance that comes up. Um, how about 'I read it, it has some good information, but it's not a cure-all, so fuck you'?
Example from Sunday: He knows damn well that I still have issues with my mother. Yet, he STILL chose to use an analogy that triggered me when it comes to her. He told me about how a 'mother bird has to kick the baby bird out of the nest'. Yeah, I already had that happen...and it was something I would NEVER wish on anyone else. Needless to say, he got a very loud earful on that one.
In short, he needs to know when to offer advice to others and when to just shut up. He's hardly an expert, his experience/knowledge is NOT one size fits all, and he needs to learn and understand that.
(On a side-note in terms of the whole 'family' thing, it seems like he superficially understands how painful things are for me, but because his own family is so loving and supportive, he can't allow himself to fully relate. Yet another reason he should shut up and learn from other people and their experiences.)
~He needs to learn to keep his ego in check, to stop making himself the center of attention, and to actually talk to people and treat them properly. It often feels like he doesn't want a girlfriend more than he wants a 'See? I'm not gay!' piece of arm candy who won't give him any trouble. That way, he doesn't have to change, to learn to properly communicate, to do anything that might upset his worldview. There were a lot of times when he and I would argue that it felt like I could have helped head off trouble had he merely communicated things better to me, or apologized when/if there was a misunderstanding. I've told him he needs to learn to balance between him and the other person during interactions, but he still refuses to get it. And that will hold him back personally and professionally in more ways than anyone could count.
I could go on, but I'll leave it here for now.
In the end, I don't know. I feel like I'm picking on him, picking him apart, whatever you want to call it, but I feel like it has to be said. I'm still friends with one friend of his who had cut him off, and she said she's still waiting for him to actually start growing up before she'll even consider letting him back into her life. And the only reason her boyfriend hasn't cut him off is similar to my own reasoning; all we're doing is seeing just how badly he can disappoint us before we leave. And really, if those of us who really care about him leave, what does that leave him with?
Monday, June 20, 2011
Freewrite 6/20: Haze
So it's official. Justin and I are no longer together.
We agreed to go ahead and end things, and I'm not sure how to take it. Patti (our Guildmistress) talked with both of us, and she advised him to be gentle with me for a while. She told him how much it was hurting me, reminded him how much I loved him, and kept telling him to be patient while I was getting through things. Considering his attempts at 'gentle' included lecturing me about how I was reacting, I somehow have reason to worry about how things will go from here.
I admit, I feel a lot of different ways right now. I literally came thisclose to quitting the Guild for good because of him. I told Bill and Patti I was reaching my breaking point with dealing with his behavior, and I didn't think I could handle being near him at Faire. I really don't think I can fully describe just how much his actions and his behavior hurt me. Every time he threw a fit about how something or other that I was doing bothered him, it just cut that much more deeply. And honestly, I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with it. I'd thought about joining Jenna (Lady Lana) over with Shadow Walkers and the Belladonna Inn, or joining one of the Irish guilds...anything if it kept me from seeing him on a regular basis. But I plan on staying, so I need to learn to deal with the guy, childish as he may be at times.
The worst part about the weekend was the jerk-ass comment he made. I don't care who it was intended for, it hurt like hell and it was uncalled for. See, I've been breaking in a new pair of heels, which led to a few raw spots on my heels (which naturally hurt when I wear shoes). So my guildmate Jeff and I were bantering back and forth about it, with him telling me to stop doing whatever hurt me. I asked him if he planned on carrying me everywhere I needed to go, and he said that was Justin's job, to which Justin (who was nearby at the time) cheerfully replied "Not anymore!". I so wanted to deck him at that point (to his credit, he did apologize for it when I pointed it out later).
It's just like any other time when he talks down to me about how I'm "overreacting" about things or "being too emotional". Fuck. You. Asshole. I'm hurting, and all you can do is talk at me like you know better than I do how I should feel. He's been really hurt by people in the past, so I would think he would have empathy toward someone he's hurting in such a way. I really don't mean to be angry or flaming toward him, but he is so damn clueless about just how much he hurt me. He treated me like I didn't matter, like whatever I felt was meaningless to him, then he had the NERVE to lecture me about my own feelings. All the love, the support...everything I gave him doesn't seem like it meant anything to him in the end. He even told me at one point that my feelings felt like a nuisance to him. So yeah. He and I have always been close, but right now I'm not sure whether to remain friends with him, or tell him to go fuck himself.
As much as I'm complimented on how I'm handling things, I hurt. Plain and simple. I fucking hurt. And the more I think about it, the more it seems that cutting off feeling again is the best thing for me. Just sever any and all emotion and go through life like that. What I can't feel won't hurt me, right? I so do not want to go through this again; hell, I didn't want to go through it THIS time. Twice in as many years...why don't I just cut off for good and get it over with? Along with my trying to heal from the shit I went through with my parents, I did NOT need this to add to the plate of 'things that totally fuck Andrea over emotionally'.
In the end...I just don't know anymore.
We agreed to go ahead and end things, and I'm not sure how to take it. Patti (our Guildmistress) talked with both of us, and she advised him to be gentle with me for a while. She told him how much it was hurting me, reminded him how much I loved him, and kept telling him to be patient while I was getting through things. Considering his attempts at 'gentle' included lecturing me about how I was reacting, I somehow have reason to worry about how things will go from here.
I admit, I feel a lot of different ways right now. I literally came thisclose to quitting the Guild for good because of him. I told Bill and Patti I was reaching my breaking point with dealing with his behavior, and I didn't think I could handle being near him at Faire. I really don't think I can fully describe just how much his actions and his behavior hurt me. Every time he threw a fit about how something or other that I was doing bothered him, it just cut that much more deeply. And honestly, I didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with it. I'd thought about joining Jenna (Lady Lana) over with Shadow Walkers and the Belladonna Inn, or joining one of the Irish guilds...anything if it kept me from seeing him on a regular basis. But I plan on staying, so I need to learn to deal with the guy, childish as he may be at times.
The worst part about the weekend was the jerk-ass comment he made. I don't care who it was intended for, it hurt like hell and it was uncalled for. See, I've been breaking in a new pair of heels, which led to a few raw spots on my heels (which naturally hurt when I wear shoes). So my guildmate Jeff and I were bantering back and forth about it, with him telling me to stop doing whatever hurt me. I asked him if he planned on carrying me everywhere I needed to go, and he said that was Justin's job, to which Justin (who was nearby at the time) cheerfully replied "Not anymore!". I so wanted to deck him at that point (to his credit, he did apologize for it when I pointed it out later).
It's just like any other time when he talks down to me about how I'm "overreacting" about things or "being too emotional". Fuck. You. Asshole. I'm hurting, and all you can do is talk at me like you know better than I do how I should feel. He's been really hurt by people in the past, so I would think he would have empathy toward someone he's hurting in such a way. I really don't mean to be angry or flaming toward him, but he is so damn clueless about just how much he hurt me. He treated me like I didn't matter, like whatever I felt was meaningless to him, then he had the NERVE to lecture me about my own feelings. All the love, the support...everything I gave him doesn't seem like it meant anything to him in the end. He even told me at one point that my feelings felt like a nuisance to him. So yeah. He and I have always been close, but right now I'm not sure whether to remain friends with him, or tell him to go fuck himself.
As much as I'm complimented on how I'm handling things, I hurt. Plain and simple. I fucking hurt. And the more I think about it, the more it seems that cutting off feeling again is the best thing for me. Just sever any and all emotion and go through life like that. What I can't feel won't hurt me, right? I so do not want to go through this again; hell, I didn't want to go through it THIS time. Twice in as many years...why don't I just cut off for good and get it over with? Along with my trying to heal from the shit I went through with my parents, I did NOT need this to add to the plate of 'things that totally fuck Andrea over emotionally'.
In the end...I just don't know anymore.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Freewrite 6/17: My Ally
The hardest thing for me over these past few months has been feeling isolated from family. I can't talk to my parents without finishing the conversation feeling incredibly mixed, and the thought of talking to my sis only holds slightly more pleasure at this point. That's why I'm so glad my extended Iowa family has found me on FaceBook; yet even then I wasn't sure I could really talk to them or rely on them. I honestly thought I'd have to fight my battles on my own. I think that's why I was clinging so hard to Justin. I didn't want to feel like I was totally on my own in all of this, and he helped me feel a bit less so.
But my relatives have really come through for me with their support, their care, and their love. I still have a ways to go, but with them ready at hand, I feel even more like I can do it.
One aunt in particular rises above all of them and is especially dear and special to me. My Aunt Mary Lou, Mom's sister. She's a nurse back in Iowa, and she has been so incredibly encouraging of me doing Nursing. Well, to be fair, she's been incredibly supportive of many things I choose to do, and she's been so patient and good to me these past few weeks. I love that she's been willing to help me, yet I also feel horrible for leaning on her.
You see, she has breast cancer. She found out about it a few days before I moved last month, and she's been fighting it with everything she has. (Luckily, it was found at about Stage I.) I talk to her as often as I can, so I heard about her biopsy last week, and learned from another of my aunts about her bilateral mastectomy yesterday. She just got home today, and she's not only in great spirits, but she's incredibly supportive of my decision to pursue Northridge. She said we each have a battle we're righting, and even though they aren't the same battle, she said we'll fight them together. Neither of us will give up, we promised each other that.
I'm sitting here crying as I write this, thinking about how different our fights are. She didn't choose her battle, it was foisted on her, yet she's fighting it with everything she has. I chose this path for myself, and I'm fighting for what I believe it best for me. Our fights couldn't be any different, but she wants us to beat them together. That means so much more to me than anyone could ever know, that she won't abandon me, or make me worry about making mistakes, or anything I might be afraid of. She'll be there for me, and I'll work hard to make sure she has a front-row seat at Graduation time when I receive my first Bachelor's degree.
But my relatives have really come through for me with their support, their care, and their love. I still have a ways to go, but with them ready at hand, I feel even more like I can do it.
One aunt in particular rises above all of them and is especially dear and special to me. My Aunt Mary Lou, Mom's sister. She's a nurse back in Iowa, and she has been so incredibly encouraging of me doing Nursing. Well, to be fair, she's been incredibly supportive of many things I choose to do, and she's been so patient and good to me these past few weeks. I love that she's been willing to help me, yet I also feel horrible for leaning on her.
You see, she has breast cancer. She found out about it a few days before I moved last month, and she's been fighting it with everything she has. (Luckily, it was found at about Stage I.) I talk to her as often as I can, so I heard about her biopsy last week, and learned from another of my aunts about her bilateral mastectomy yesterday. She just got home today, and she's not only in great spirits, but she's incredibly supportive of my decision to pursue Northridge. She said we each have a battle we're righting, and even though they aren't the same battle, she said we'll fight them together. Neither of us will give up, we promised each other that.
I'm sitting here crying as I write this, thinking about how different our fights are. She didn't choose her battle, it was foisted on her, yet she's fighting it with everything she has. I chose this path for myself, and I'm fighting for what I believe it best for me. Our fights couldn't be any different, but she wants us to beat them together. That means so much more to me than anyone could ever know, that she won't abandon me, or make me worry about making mistakes, or anything I might be afraid of. She'll be there for me, and I'll work hard to make sure she has a front-row seat at Graduation time when I receive my first Bachelor's degree.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
New tag, same old feelings
So I wanted to bring in a new tag for my postings. The 'emotion' tag is for those posts that are between freewrites, but aren't quite 'fluff'. They tend to be more serious musings on my feelings and othersuch.
I've had thoughts about him on my mind, so I'll start there. I feel like I'm making significant progress, but I feel like it doesn't matter, since I don't get much of a response from him. I wish I had a sign of some kind that told me he's not only reading, but that he is supportive in whatever ways he can be. I'm the only person who can do all of this for myself, but I would be grateful to know he's watching and cheering me on from the background, maybe even waiting for the right time to step forward.
I was recently asked what it is about him that draws me to him, that makes me care for him. Well, it's a bit of a list, but I guess I could share a few things. As I've mentioned in the past, he makes me feel human. He makes me feel like I'm a real person, instead of a label, or a GPA, or whatever other ways I've been thought of in the past. With him, I'm not judged by any standard except what makes me 'Andrea'. That has been a HUGE boost to me when things have been difficult.
He encourages me to lighten up, to laugh and have fun. I've always been a bit on the reserved side, but with his encouragement I've been gradually opening up to more people. Not only am I meeting new people, I'm reconnecting with ones I already know in different, more positive ways. (I also feel like my healing from my last breakup would have taken a lot longer had Justin not been there and been encouraging of me.)
Even though I wish he would verbalize it more, I do love how he supports and appreciates what I do. See, I tend to equate silence from those closest to me with disapproval, so it's hard when something good happens and all I hear is the equivalent of '....'. To his credit, he does tell me how supportive he is when I ask, so I can't totally fault him here.
I love how he's been subtly encouraging me to be more independent and more open to exploring. He doesn't want me to sit and wait for him to help me with things, he wants me to do them myself. He doesn't want me putting on hold things I want to do until we can do them together, he wants me to do them myself (and hopefully, he wants me to enjoy them just as much by myself, which I do even though I wish he could join in the fun with me).
I feel like he's helped me to realize just how strong, how resiliant, how...everything I am. He's helped me in so many positive ways that I can't even begin to count them.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in San Diego, wondering how I was going to start my life.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be doubtful that loving someone was worth the trouble.
If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have met the people whom I know through/because of him, some of whom are now very good friends of mine.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd never have challenged my comfort zone and travelled up to visit him, let alone travelled to Ojai for the first time. I'd have kept only doing the Escondido Faire and thought that was all the Faire I needed to be happy.
If it hadn't been for him, I would have thought I couldn't dream for myself anymore.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still have no idea of just how much potential I have at my disposal. Even if I did, I wouldn't have a clue on how to use it if it hadn't been for him.
In the end, If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be learning how to be me. He has given me the strength to learn how to be who I am. He gives me the strength to jump and to take risks again, knowing that things will work themselves out in the end.
I wish I knew how to tell him everything I feel for him. Maybe this will be a good start. Well, this and what I plan for Faire this weekend. (Nothing big, nor distracting, nor in-character. Something small and just between us.)
I've had thoughts about him on my mind, so I'll start there. I feel like I'm making significant progress, but I feel like it doesn't matter, since I don't get much of a response from him. I wish I had a sign of some kind that told me he's not only reading, but that he is supportive in whatever ways he can be. I'm the only person who can do all of this for myself, but I would be grateful to know he's watching and cheering me on from the background, maybe even waiting for the right time to step forward.
I was recently asked what it is about him that draws me to him, that makes me care for him. Well, it's a bit of a list, but I guess I could share a few things. As I've mentioned in the past, he makes me feel human. He makes me feel like I'm a real person, instead of a label, or a GPA, or whatever other ways I've been thought of in the past. With him, I'm not judged by any standard except what makes me 'Andrea'. That has been a HUGE boost to me when things have been difficult.
He encourages me to lighten up, to laugh and have fun. I've always been a bit on the reserved side, but with his encouragement I've been gradually opening up to more people. Not only am I meeting new people, I'm reconnecting with ones I already know in different, more positive ways. (I also feel like my healing from my last breakup would have taken a lot longer had Justin not been there and been encouraging of me.)
Even though I wish he would verbalize it more, I do love how he supports and appreciates what I do. See, I tend to equate silence from those closest to me with disapproval, so it's hard when something good happens and all I hear is the equivalent of '....'. To his credit, he does tell me how supportive he is when I ask, so I can't totally fault him here.
I love how he's been subtly encouraging me to be more independent and more open to exploring. He doesn't want me to sit and wait for him to help me with things, he wants me to do them myself. He doesn't want me putting on hold things I want to do until we can do them together, he wants me to do them myself (and hopefully, he wants me to enjoy them just as much by myself, which I do even though I wish he could join in the fun with me).
I feel like he's helped me to realize just how strong, how resiliant, how...everything I am. He's helped me in so many positive ways that I can't even begin to count them.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in San Diego, wondering how I was going to start my life.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be doubtful that loving someone was worth the trouble.
If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have met the people whom I know through/because of him, some of whom are now very good friends of mine.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd never have challenged my comfort zone and travelled up to visit him, let alone travelled to Ojai for the first time. I'd have kept only doing the Escondido Faire and thought that was all the Faire I needed to be happy.
If it hadn't been for him, I would have thought I couldn't dream for myself anymore.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still have no idea of just how much potential I have at my disposal. Even if I did, I wouldn't have a clue on how to use it if it hadn't been for him.
In the end, If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be learning how to be me. He has given me the strength to learn how to be who I am. He gives me the strength to jump and to take risks again, knowing that things will work themselves out in the end.
I wish I knew how to tell him everything I feel for him. Maybe this will be a good start. Well, this and what I plan for Faire this weekend. (Nothing big, nor distracting, nor in-character. Something small and just between us.)
Freewrite 6/16: Balance
I guess you could say I re-realized what it is I'm really seeking. To put it simply, I seek to go back to the balance I've had in the past. I've always been someone who tried to do things in moderation, to balance the positive and the negative, and I need to get back to that core focus.
So what happened to knock me out of that balance? Mm, I think it was something that had always lingered in some ways. My parents (mother especially) always held me back from being more independent, from learning how to fend for myself better. And I resented it. I resented every time she quipped that I couldn't survive on my own, that I needed to be taken care of. She may not have said it explicitly, but her behaviors told me that loud and clear. But I kept up something of a balance because I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd be gone, one way or another.
Then, something happened that I really didn't expect of myself. If you guessed it was my letting myself get closer to Justin, I yet again owe you a gold star. About the time I started getting closer to him, things started to deteriorate at home with my parents. They were tiny things, little tensions that were pointless to share on their own. But they were starting to add up, and I had no idea what to do about them. I held onto Justin partially because he made me happy and let me focus on something besides my homelife falling apart around me. I also held onto him because he was something I knew for a fact was steady. Home-wise, things were unsteady, and I had no idea how to fix them in a way that would make everyone satisfied (if not happy). So I tried to balance that out by focusing on what made me happy, to attempt to find a new balance.
And for a while, it seemed to work. I could function and I could deal with what was going on around me. But things kept deteriorating at home, especially right when my feelings in a new relationship should be changing from the more 'honeymoon phase'-esque to the more settled. So I kept that feeling going, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to function. (Too much stress over an extended period of time turns me into a basket case. Not pretty.)
I guess the TL;DR version of all that is this: I felt stuck. I felt like there wasn't anything there to encourage me. I felt like I wasn't given the chance to really find out who I was and what I could be capable of. And when I wanted to change all of that, it was taken as a personal attack by people who should have been supportive. (Seriously, being asked how it feels to be unwanted, and being called 'street person' and told you should sleep in the garage aren't really marks of a loving separation.)
I remember around the time of my birthday that Justin told me my parents were 'defective', as it were. He saw I was sad they hadn't really acknowledged my birthday, and encouraged me to spend time with the new 'family' I had established. And that's precisely what I plan to do. Keep working on my focus with those beside me who show they really care. I don't know what's going to happen with school and life, or when, or anything like that. But I have options I can utilize until I have those answers.
So what happened to knock me out of that balance? Mm, I think it was something that had always lingered in some ways. My parents (mother especially) always held me back from being more independent, from learning how to fend for myself better. And I resented it. I resented every time she quipped that I couldn't survive on my own, that I needed to be taken care of. She may not have said it explicitly, but her behaviors told me that loud and clear. But I kept up something of a balance because I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd be gone, one way or another.
Then, something happened that I really didn't expect of myself. If you guessed it was my letting myself get closer to Justin, I yet again owe you a gold star. About the time I started getting closer to him, things started to deteriorate at home with my parents. They were tiny things, little tensions that were pointless to share on their own. But they were starting to add up, and I had no idea what to do about them. I held onto Justin partially because he made me happy and let me focus on something besides my homelife falling apart around me. I also held onto him because he was something I knew for a fact was steady. Home-wise, things were unsteady, and I had no idea how to fix them in a way that would make everyone satisfied (if not happy). So I tried to balance that out by focusing on what made me happy, to attempt to find a new balance.
And for a while, it seemed to work. I could function and I could deal with what was going on around me. But things kept deteriorating at home, especially right when my feelings in a new relationship should be changing from the more 'honeymoon phase'-esque to the more settled. So I kept that feeling going, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to function. (Too much stress over an extended period of time turns me into a basket case. Not pretty.)
I guess the TL;DR version of all that is this: I felt stuck. I felt like there wasn't anything there to encourage me. I felt like I wasn't given the chance to really find out who I was and what I could be capable of. And when I wanted to change all of that, it was taken as a personal attack by people who should have been supportive. (Seriously, being asked how it feels to be unwanted, and being called 'street person' and told you should sleep in the garage aren't really marks of a loving separation.)
I remember around the time of my birthday that Justin told me my parents were 'defective', as it were. He saw I was sad they hadn't really acknowledged my birthday, and encouraged me to spend time with the new 'family' I had established. And that's precisely what I plan to do. Keep working on my focus with those beside me who show they really care. I don't know what's going to happen with school and life, or when, or anything like that. But I have options I can utilize until I have those answers.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Freewrite 6/15: Finding Me
I've often pondered if one can really erase deeply entrenched behavior and thought patterns in 5-6 months, as Justin seems to suggest. Having experienced these past 5-6 months, I can say that it largely depends on the person and the patterns. Erasing 20+ years of having 95% of life provided to you isn't going to go away that readily. And here's my other thought: Even if it had, what would be left to take its place? Who would I be when I stopped being that person? What good would it do me if I didn't have a different sense of self waiting to take over? I'd be no better than I was, and might even be a bit worse off.
So before I can be 'Little Miss 150% Independent', I've needed to simply be 'Little Miss Independent'. I needed to psychologically move away from the fishbowl I essentially grew up in. For as long as I can remember, I've always been known by a label, not by who I am. I've always been 'The Chiropractor's Daughter', or 'Stephanie's Little Sister', or 'Mother's Spitting Image' (seriously, Mom and I could almost be twins, I resemble her so much). I've never really been seen as just, well, 'Andrea'. So the last 5-6 months have been spent distancing myself from the old labels, getting myself away from the fishbowl and out into the koi pond with the big fish. And I've been okay, all things considered. I'm a lot less timid, a lot more capable of leaning on myself, instead of everyone else. I still lean on others when I'm unsure, or I need advice, but isn't that everyone at some point or other?
I have a Focus now. (Gods, that sounds so FF XIII. I hope when it's complete I'm not turned into crystal.) It may not be something that happens immediately, but it's something I can work towards. All I need is patience, time, and support.
(Going back to Justin, I prefer to keep my feelings private at this time. When the time is right, I'll share them with him.)
So before I can be 'Little Miss 150% Independent', I've needed to simply be 'Little Miss Independent'. I needed to psychologically move away from the fishbowl I essentially grew up in. For as long as I can remember, I've always been known by a label, not by who I am. I've always been 'The Chiropractor's Daughter', or 'Stephanie's Little Sister', or 'Mother's Spitting Image' (seriously, Mom and I could almost be twins, I resemble her so much). I've never really been seen as just, well, 'Andrea'. So the last 5-6 months have been spent distancing myself from the old labels, getting myself away from the fishbowl and out into the koi pond with the big fish. And I've been okay, all things considered. I'm a lot less timid, a lot more capable of leaning on myself, instead of everyone else. I still lean on others when I'm unsure, or I need advice, but isn't that everyone at some point or other?
I have a Focus now. (Gods, that sounds so FF XIII. I hope when it's complete I'm not turned into crystal.) It may not be something that happens immediately, but it's something I can work towards. All I need is patience, time, and support.
(Going back to Justin, I prefer to keep my feelings private at this time. When the time is right, I'll share them with him.)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Freewrite 6/14: Things to do
I've come to the conclusion that even the strongest, most put-together individuals do have their weak points here and there. They aren't necessarily fatal weaknesses, just those little cracks and chinks in their armor that can cause small wounds. It's all part of being human, methinks.
I feel like the limbo-esque transition period I've been in since December is winding down. I'm still not perfectly independent, but I've made a lot of progress since then. And I plan to continue making progress in whatever ways I can. I've got great friends and a great extended family who are supportive and loving, so I think I'll be fine. Not as sure about him at this immediate snapshot in time, but meh. He can do as he pleases, though part of me hopes he's at least mildly supportive in his way.
One complaint I do have is about distracted I've felt this past week. If you read my Facebook, you've seen that I'm pondering switching from Mortuary Science at a Community College level to Cal State Northridge. I have conditional acceptance to CSUN, I can essentially get my entire education covered there, and I can work on my first Bachelor's degree, then go back to school in a couple years and get a BS in Nursing. Don't get me wrong, I love Mortuary Science, and I have a new appreciation for the industry based on the classes and my job. But my love has always been Medical/Healthcare. I also have the issue of not being able to receive further financial aid at the CC level due to my high unit count and the fact I have two Associate's degrees from Palomar (General Studies, still better than absolutely nothing methinks.)
As far as education goes, I have two options due to the fact I missed getting an Algebra class that's needed for transfer to CSUN. I can still get fee waivers from Cypress, so I can retake any courses from Spring that I did poorly in, take the missing Algebra class, then start attending CSUN in Spring. Or I can take the route I plan to take: Write an appeals letter telling the folks at CSUN Admissions what happened and why I didn't get that last class, fax it to them, and see if they allow me to attend in Fall (I'll even mention if I'm accepted for Fall, the Algebra is the first class I plan on enrolling in). If it works, great. If not, I'll fall back to plan A up there and see how I can attend in Spring. Hey, it's worth a shot, isn't it?
So that's my status as of today. Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone.
I feel like the limbo-esque transition period I've been in since December is winding down. I'm still not perfectly independent, but I've made a lot of progress since then. And I plan to continue making progress in whatever ways I can. I've got great friends and a great extended family who are supportive and loving, so I think I'll be fine. Not as sure about him at this immediate snapshot in time, but meh. He can do as he pleases, though part of me hopes he's at least mildly supportive in his way.
One complaint I do have is about distracted I've felt this past week. If you read my Facebook, you've seen that I'm pondering switching from Mortuary Science at a Community College level to Cal State Northridge. I have conditional acceptance to CSUN, I can essentially get my entire education covered there, and I can work on my first Bachelor's degree, then go back to school in a couple years and get a BS in Nursing. Don't get me wrong, I love Mortuary Science, and I have a new appreciation for the industry based on the classes and my job. But my love has always been Medical/Healthcare. I also have the issue of not being able to receive further financial aid at the CC level due to my high unit count and the fact I have two Associate's degrees from Palomar (General Studies, still better than absolutely nothing methinks.)
As far as education goes, I have two options due to the fact I missed getting an Algebra class that's needed for transfer to CSUN. I can still get fee waivers from Cypress, so I can retake any courses from Spring that I did poorly in, take the missing Algebra class, then start attending CSUN in Spring. Or I can take the route I plan to take: Write an appeals letter telling the folks at CSUN Admissions what happened and why I didn't get that last class, fax it to them, and see if they allow me to attend in Fall (I'll even mention if I'm accepted for Fall, the Algebra is the first class I plan on enrolling in). If it works, great. If not, I'll fall back to plan A up there and see how I can attend in Spring. Hey, it's worth a shot, isn't it?
So that's my status as of today. Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Freewrite 6/13: Holding Steady
So it's been a couple days since my last posting in here. How have I been doing, you might wonder?
Surprisingly well, all things considered. I've had a few rough spots where I need to excuse myself and cry a little, but nothing serious. I still live, I still talk to people, I still do my thing...what more could I really ask for right now?
One thing I keep asking myself is how much I really want to feel. For anyone new to my corner of existence, let me clarify. A couple years ago, my last boyfriend broke up with me in a really awful way. We had an apartment ready to move into and everything, he balked at the move, blew me off for a month, then broke up with me via letter. When he did, I literally could not function. Any time I attempted to do so, I would break down emotionally and psychologically (my nadir was one night when I casually entertained suicide as a means of getting rid of the pain. Yeah, it was bad.) I knew I had two choices, either continue to deteriorate, or cut off my emotions until time distanced me from what the jerkass did. It was still difficult, and I still cried a lot, but at least I was functioning.
Yesterday (Sunday) I contemplated cutting off again. I was in the middle of a really rough point, I was hurting, and I pondered shutting down fully again. I think I still consider it off and on even now. My problem (or virtue, depending on your perspective) is that I am a very feeling, very emotional individual. It's how I connect with others, and it's helped me help others in more ways than I can count. The downside is I feel emotional pain extremely acutely, to where it can be debilitating for me psychologically. Hence my choice last time to cut off; the less I feel, the easier to work through things. My worry this time was that I wouldn't want to re-engage if I cut off again; cutting off twice in as many years might tempt me into simply not letting myself feel at all.
So I continue to feel, and I continue to press on. I've had a lot of love and support from friends these past few days, which I've been grateful for. I hurt here and there, but it doesn't really slow me down. 'Holding steady' feels like a good descriptor for my current place in the world.
Other than all this, not much else I can say.
Surprisingly well, all things considered. I've had a few rough spots where I need to excuse myself and cry a little, but nothing serious. I still live, I still talk to people, I still do my thing...what more could I really ask for right now?
One thing I keep asking myself is how much I really want to feel. For anyone new to my corner of existence, let me clarify. A couple years ago, my last boyfriend broke up with me in a really awful way. We had an apartment ready to move into and everything, he balked at the move, blew me off for a month, then broke up with me via letter. When he did, I literally could not function. Any time I attempted to do so, I would break down emotionally and psychologically (my nadir was one night when I casually entertained suicide as a means of getting rid of the pain. Yeah, it was bad.) I knew I had two choices, either continue to deteriorate, or cut off my emotions until time distanced me from what the jerkass did. It was still difficult, and I still cried a lot, but at least I was functioning.
Yesterday (Sunday) I contemplated cutting off again. I was in the middle of a really rough point, I was hurting, and I pondered shutting down fully again. I think I still consider it off and on even now. My problem (or virtue, depending on your perspective) is that I am a very feeling, very emotional individual. It's how I connect with others, and it's helped me help others in more ways than I can count. The downside is I feel emotional pain extremely acutely, to where it can be debilitating for me psychologically. Hence my choice last time to cut off; the less I feel, the easier to work through things. My worry this time was that I wouldn't want to re-engage if I cut off again; cutting off twice in as many years might tempt me into simply not letting myself feel at all.
So I continue to feel, and I continue to press on. I've had a lot of love and support from friends these past few days, which I've been grateful for. I hurt here and there, but it doesn't really slow me down. 'Holding steady' feels like a good descriptor for my current place in the world.
Other than all this, not much else I can say.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Freewrite 6/11: Only a temporary downer
(This was a crosspost from my FB. Out of respect to Justin, I'm removing it here as well as from FB.)
I'm not sure what to think or to feel right now. I feel better than I did earlier, when Justin first suggested dialing back for a while, but there's still a lot of uncertainty.
I'm not entirely sure that I'm the right person to deal with uncertainty. Try as I may to deny it, I am the Chiropractor's daughter, the future Nurse...I'm not really in a field that likes a lot of unknowns and uncertainty. In the hospital, I saw what happened when things were uncertain. At home, I saw and experienced what happened when things weren't certain. None of it was ever pretty. But right now, I'm dealing with enough uncertainty to last me a while, and I don't know what to do about it.
As for Justin, I...I just don't know. There are still a lot more questions than answers with him, and I don't know if or when I'd get answers. To an extent, he seemed more interested in scolding me and telling me what I needed to do than he did in giving answers; but then again, he was rather tired. He did say he wants a cooling-off period, as it were. He didn't know how long of one he might need, just that he felt he needed one. From there, I don't know. I know I have things to work at, but not knowing if/when he'll be back in my life (and what status) bothers me. I could go on and on, but I doubt it would do anything other than make me anxious.
And yet, in spite of everything, I still love him. And I still plan to use the energy in that love to keep fueling myself. I don't know if he'll be there when I'm ready, or the limits of that 'fuel', but I have to keep pushing forward. Push forward, and hope he'll be there, at this time of night it's all I can do.
Anyway, I have reading that I promised him I'd do. I should get back to it.
I'm not sure what to think or to feel right now. I feel better than I did earlier, when Justin first suggested dialing back for a while, but there's still a lot of uncertainty.
I'm not entirely sure that I'm the right person to deal with uncertainty. Try as I may to deny it, I am the Chiropractor's daughter, the future Nurse...I'm not really in a field that likes a lot of unknowns and uncertainty. In the hospital, I saw what happened when things were uncertain. At home, I saw and experienced what happened when things weren't certain. None of it was ever pretty. But right now, I'm dealing with enough uncertainty to last me a while, and I don't know what to do about it.
As for Justin, I...I just don't know. There are still a lot more questions than answers with him, and I don't know if or when I'd get answers. To an extent, he seemed more interested in scolding me and telling me what I needed to do than he did in giving answers; but then again, he was rather tired. He did say he wants a cooling-off period, as it were. He didn't know how long of one he might need, just that he felt he needed one. From there, I don't know. I know I have things to work at, but not knowing if/when he'll be back in my life (and what status) bothers me. I could go on and on, but I doubt it would do anything other than make me anxious.
And yet, in spite of everything, I still love him. And I still plan to use the energy in that love to keep fueling myself. I don't know if he'll be there when I'm ready, or the limits of that 'fuel', but I have to keep pushing forward. Push forward, and hope he'll be there, at this time of night it's all I can do.
Anyway, I have reading that I promised him I'd do. I should get back to it.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Freewrite 6/9: The Wringer
Okay, I've been really bad about updating this. That tends to happen when you go three weeks without your own internet, work allows only minimal 'Net access, and it's hard to find time to get to the nearest Library. But I have an awesome housemate who lets me use his internet as much as I like (and when I asked if he wanted me to reimburse him for the usage, he declined), so here I am again.
And not a moment too soon, based on how I'm feeling as of recently. Part of my sensitivity may be hormones, much of it isn't. I've reached out to others, now it's time to put it up here as well.
And yes, the ventage is about Justin. I don't care if this makes him unhappy or anything else. It's been too long held in.
In short, I am so very tired of feeling like I can't win with this guy. If everyone remembers back in February, he was complaining about not seeing me enough, about how he felt like I was a girlfriend 'in name only' how we should be Friends With Benefits...all that garbage. Apparently, I've since gone too far the other way (especially since moving down here to Fullerton) and now he's been complaining again, only this time that I always want to talk to him, that my wishful thinking shows I can't function without him, so on, so forth. He tells me to go out and meet people so he's not my 'sole' emotional support and all that nonsense. He's also essentially thrown a fit, telling me how 'unhappy' he is, how 'he doesn't feel the same way' anymore, and all that shit. Any attempt I've made to talk with him is met with him being passive-aggressive and trying to pin things wholly on me. ('I tried using my words. You don't listen.' Um, no, you threw a temper tantrum when you KNOW damn well that I don't give into tantrums. Dumbass.)
So I'm at a bit of a crossroads here. I'm trying to make improvements in my life that will make things easier for me, but his attitude is taking an emotional toll on me. I love the guy dearly, and I expect a great deal from him, as anyone else in his life will. (Seriously, if we did break up, what makes him think any other girl would put up with his behavior any better than I have? He'd be back at Square One again in no time.) I've always been taught that you should fight for something if you want it badly enough, and as such I don't plan on giving up on him until he shows me definitively that he's beyond hope.
What do I expect from him? Simple. I expect him to treat me with courtesy and respect, to not talk down to me, treat me like a child, or act like he knows better than I do how to run things in my life.
I expect that he talk with me when he feels there's an issue, so we can work together and try to find a middle ground we're both at least okay with. In a similar vein, I expect that he do so without resorting to throwing a grown-up equivalent of a temper tantrum.
I expect that, if an invitation from him must be rescinded, it be rescinded with a sincere apology and at least a query about spending time together in the near-future, without any false 'I'm sorry you're upset, but you have to accept...' crap. (Yes, he has used that line on me before, almost to the letter.)
I expect to be able to wish he could join me for things I'm doing (or here and there wishing to join him at events he's partaking in), without him getting pissy at me for wishing.
I expect to be able to turn to him for at least some emotional support, though certainly not ALL the support I need. If he feels overwhelmed, or that he can't help me, then he needs to tell me such in a courteous manner.
I expect to not be told for the millionth time that he 'doesn't see us getting married', even though I have NEVER brought up the subject with him, asides from telling him I'm not ready for it myself.
In short, I am to be treated with the courtesy and respect that I deserve, no matter what he thinks my perceived 'affronts' to his delicate ego are. It's the same way in which I regard him, after all. I may have my flaws, my shortcomings, and so on, but I wouldn't be me without them. As such, I will be DAMNED if I let some guy make me feel like shit for merely being human and being in transition in my life. After all, it isn't as though he's any more perfect than I am; if anything I'm better off since at least my issues don't piss off 2/3 of the people around me.
And not a moment too soon, based on how I'm feeling as of recently. Part of my sensitivity may be hormones, much of it isn't. I've reached out to others, now it's time to put it up here as well.
And yes, the ventage is about Justin. I don't care if this makes him unhappy or anything else. It's been too long held in.
In short, I am so very tired of feeling like I can't win with this guy. If everyone remembers back in February, he was complaining about not seeing me enough, about how he felt like I was a girlfriend 'in name only' how we should be Friends With Benefits...all that garbage. Apparently, I've since gone too far the other way (especially since moving down here to Fullerton) and now he's been complaining again, only this time that I always want to talk to him, that my wishful thinking shows I can't function without him, so on, so forth. He tells me to go out and meet people so he's not my 'sole' emotional support and all that nonsense. He's also essentially thrown a fit, telling me how 'unhappy' he is, how 'he doesn't feel the same way' anymore, and all that shit. Any attempt I've made to talk with him is met with him being passive-aggressive and trying to pin things wholly on me. ('I tried using my words. You don't listen.' Um, no, you threw a temper tantrum when you KNOW damn well that I don't give into tantrums. Dumbass.)
So I'm at a bit of a crossroads here. I'm trying to make improvements in my life that will make things easier for me, but his attitude is taking an emotional toll on me. I love the guy dearly, and I expect a great deal from him, as anyone else in his life will. (Seriously, if we did break up, what makes him think any other girl would put up with his behavior any better than I have? He'd be back at Square One again in no time.) I've always been taught that you should fight for something if you want it badly enough, and as such I don't plan on giving up on him until he shows me definitively that he's beyond hope.
What do I expect from him? Simple. I expect him to treat me with courtesy and respect, to not talk down to me, treat me like a child, or act like he knows better than I do how to run things in my life.
I expect that he talk with me when he feels there's an issue, so we can work together and try to find a middle ground we're both at least okay with. In a similar vein, I expect that he do so without resorting to throwing a grown-up equivalent of a temper tantrum.
I expect that, if an invitation from him must be rescinded, it be rescinded with a sincere apology and at least a query about spending time together in the near-future, without any false 'I'm sorry you're upset, but you have to accept...' crap. (Yes, he has used that line on me before, almost to the letter.)
I expect to be able to wish he could join me for things I'm doing (or here and there wishing to join him at events he's partaking in), without him getting pissy at me for wishing.
I expect to be able to turn to him for at least some emotional support, though certainly not ALL the support I need. If he feels overwhelmed, or that he can't help me, then he needs to tell me such in a courteous manner.
I expect to not be told for the millionth time that he 'doesn't see us getting married', even though I have NEVER brought up the subject with him, asides from telling him I'm not ready for it myself.
In short, I am to be treated with the courtesy and respect that I deserve, no matter what he thinks my perceived 'affronts' to his delicate ego are. It's the same way in which I regard him, after all. I may have my flaws, my shortcomings, and so on, but I wouldn't be me without them. As such, I will be DAMNED if I let some guy make me feel like shit for merely being human and being in transition in my life. After all, it isn't as though he's any more perfect than I am; if anything I'm better off since at least my issues don't piss off 2/3 of the people around me.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Freewrite 5/8: Unplugging
So, after playing the 'good daughter' and calling my mother for Mother's Day, I've come to a conclusion.
I really don't think I want to talk with her again for a while. At the very worst, a part of me isn't sure it wants anything to do with her.
It hurts to think about, really. She still has this idea in her head that I'd thought moving out would equal 'fun'. She actually asked me that when we were talking. She asked me if living on my own was still as 'fun' as I'd thought it would be. I had never said or hinted at anything that would indicate I thought of it in that manner. I always knew it would be work; true, I didn't know how much work it might entail, but I knew it would involve work. It's not like I sit up here partying and doing nothing with my life whatsoever (and no, that isn't part of my plan). Are portions of it fun? To a degree, yes. I get equal parts peace and enjoyment out of being on my own and away from them. Do I expect 24/7/365 fun? Um, even I'm not that delusional, thanks.
In talking about my upcoming move to Buena Park, she didn't have a lot of positive to say about my decision making. She kept questioning me about if the people I'll be renting from are trustworthy (yes), and questioning how I'd be safe on buses and en route to and from destinations if/when I get a bike to get me places. Seriously, I'm not asking for the moon here, a little faith from her would be rather beneficial. If she really taught me as she should have, she should sit back and let me figure out the world for myself, not question every move like a spectator at a chess match. I am not a pawn to be moved on a board, I am a person, thanks. My purpose here is not to be moved and to have those moves questioned (no matter how small and/or innocuous), it's to move myself and learn how to move more effectively.
It's hard. I've always been considered 'her' daughter, mainly by virtue of appearance. I literally resemble her to the point where people remark we could almost be twins were we the same age. I may look like her, but that doesn't make me her. If she wants to question my decisions and not show me the faith I feel she can show me, then screw it. I don't need to talk with her -in fact, I get a bit upset most times when I do- so maybe cutting her off for a while will help. She last heard from me back about this time in March, so maybe a few more months will help me out some.
Damn, what I wouldn't give to curl up with Justin and talk about random odds and ends -geeky or otherwise- so I don't have to think about her. At least I'm calmer than I was earlier, when a stray thought of somehow changing my appearance so I didn't resemble her so strongly came to mind. And no, I won't share what that stray thought included, as I prefer keeping this relatively horror-free. I need to keep pushing ahead, but it's hard at times when it feels like the person you want to have the most faith in you -and by extension in what she was supposed to teach you- really doesn't.
I admit, I just don't know what to do at this point. I hate cutting her out again, but what else am I supposed to do to keep my own sanity intact?
I really don't think I want to talk with her again for a while. At the very worst, a part of me isn't sure it wants anything to do with her.
It hurts to think about, really. She still has this idea in her head that I'd thought moving out would equal 'fun'. She actually asked me that when we were talking. She asked me if living on my own was still as 'fun' as I'd thought it would be. I had never said or hinted at anything that would indicate I thought of it in that manner. I always knew it would be work; true, I didn't know how much work it might entail, but I knew it would involve work. It's not like I sit up here partying and doing nothing with my life whatsoever (and no, that isn't part of my plan). Are portions of it fun? To a degree, yes. I get equal parts peace and enjoyment out of being on my own and away from them. Do I expect 24/7/365 fun? Um, even I'm not that delusional, thanks.
In talking about my upcoming move to Buena Park, she didn't have a lot of positive to say about my decision making. She kept questioning me about if the people I'll be renting from are trustworthy (yes), and questioning how I'd be safe on buses and en route to and from destinations if/when I get a bike to get me places. Seriously, I'm not asking for the moon here, a little faith from her would be rather beneficial. If she really taught me as she should have, she should sit back and let me figure out the world for myself, not question every move like a spectator at a chess match. I am not a pawn to be moved on a board, I am a person, thanks. My purpose here is not to be moved and to have those moves questioned (no matter how small and/or innocuous), it's to move myself and learn how to move more effectively.
It's hard. I've always been considered 'her' daughter, mainly by virtue of appearance. I literally resemble her to the point where people remark we could almost be twins were we the same age. I may look like her, but that doesn't make me her. If she wants to question my decisions and not show me the faith I feel she can show me, then screw it. I don't need to talk with her -in fact, I get a bit upset most times when I do- so maybe cutting her off for a while will help. She last heard from me back about this time in March, so maybe a few more months will help me out some.
Damn, what I wouldn't give to curl up with Justin and talk about random odds and ends -geeky or otherwise- so I don't have to think about her. At least I'm calmer than I was earlier, when a stray thought of somehow changing my appearance so I didn't resemble her so strongly came to mind. And no, I won't share what that stray thought included, as I prefer keeping this relatively horror-free. I need to keep pushing ahead, but it's hard at times when it feels like the person you want to have the most faith in you -and by extension in what she was supposed to teach you- really doesn't.
I admit, I just don't know what to do at this point. I hate cutting her out again, but what else am I supposed to do to keep my own sanity intact?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Freewrite 4/26: Whirlwind
How do I quantify this month? Let me use one word (okay, expression): ACK!
I have really kept myself going this month! In addition to school, I've had a few other projects and sidequests (geek chick FTW here) that have kept me rolling. I've been so busy that I haven't really thought to write in this for the month, yet I really haven't felt it affect me too badly. It's rather interesting how that works; I'd thought I'd need to write more frequently, yet I just went the majority of the month without a post. Weird.
So, what has this busy girl been busy with? At the most mundane, my usual life functions. Sleeping, eating, working, going to school, playing video games...real exciting stuff there. At the not-so-mundane? These:
~I've stepped up on the Podcast Justin and a couple friends of ours work on together. I was planning to be more involved from the revival, but life kept getting in the way. Now I can step in and do more. I've got more of a voice on the show itself, and I'm gradually getting into the audio and website editing. If this is my boyfriend's baby, I should help him nurture it whenever I can, shouldn't I? (In case anyone's curious, you can find the main website at http://scarlet-rhapsody.com/geekfm/. Take a listen!)
~I've been volunteering behind-the-scenes with the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade. For Episode 10 of the aforementioned GeekFM Podcast, we interviewed Ryan Omega, who is involved with the LoJ. While talking to him before the show and interview, I expressed a desire to volunteer to help out, and he has very awesomely kept me in the loop about shoots and othersuch. Monday of last week, I volunteered on the first video shoot for the LoJ, and if all goes well, I plan to do so again this Thursday for another shoot. It's going to be a LOT of fun! I really look forward to seeing Ryan, Shawn, Sasha, and everyone involved with LoJ again. (And who knows? Maybe I can go to this year's LoJ. I heard a friend talk about going last year, and I've wanted to go since then.)
So that's essentially been my free time in a nutshell. Nothing utterly fascinating (except to me), but still enough to keep me rolling and keep me happy. It's been a good -if not busy- month, and we'll see where things go from here.
(I do have other thoughts. Those I'll stick in a separate post, since they're long, slightly rambly, and could take a while to properly formulate.)
I have really kept myself going this month! In addition to school, I've had a few other projects and sidequests (geek chick FTW here) that have kept me rolling. I've been so busy that I haven't really thought to write in this for the month, yet I really haven't felt it affect me too badly. It's rather interesting how that works; I'd thought I'd need to write more frequently, yet I just went the majority of the month without a post. Weird.
So, what has this busy girl been busy with? At the most mundane, my usual life functions. Sleeping, eating, working, going to school, playing video games...real exciting stuff there. At the not-so-mundane? These:
~I've stepped up on the Podcast Justin and a couple friends of ours work on together. I was planning to be more involved from the revival, but life kept getting in the way. Now I can step in and do more. I've got more of a voice on the show itself, and I'm gradually getting into the audio and website editing. If this is my boyfriend's baby, I should help him nurture it whenever I can, shouldn't I? (In case anyone's curious, you can find the main website at http://scarlet-rhapsody.com/geekfm/. Take a listen!)
~I've been volunteering behind-the-scenes with the Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade. For Episode 10 of the aforementioned GeekFM Podcast, we interviewed Ryan Omega, who is involved with the LoJ. While talking to him before the show and interview, I expressed a desire to volunteer to help out, and he has very awesomely kept me in the loop about shoots and othersuch. Monday of last week, I volunteered on the first video shoot for the LoJ, and if all goes well, I plan to do so again this Thursday for another shoot. It's going to be a LOT of fun! I really look forward to seeing Ryan, Shawn, Sasha, and everyone involved with LoJ again. (And who knows? Maybe I can go to this year's LoJ. I heard a friend talk about going last year, and I've wanted to go since then.)
So that's essentially been my free time in a nutshell. Nothing utterly fascinating (except to me), but still enough to keep me rolling and keep me happy. It's been a good -if not busy- month, and we'll see where things go from here.
(I do have other thoughts. Those I'll stick in a separate post, since they're long, slightly rambly, and could take a while to properly formulate.)
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